Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all the creepy clowns congregating in the woods out there in advance of Halloween. Just standing there, lurking around and scaring the shit out of kiddies. And pissing off actual professional clowns, too. But you know what, guys? You’re fucking pikers. You wanna know who the really scary clowns are? These people…in no particular order:
1. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Oh look, it’s the Pigman! And he’s trying to keep himself relevant…by warning you not to “fall for” fact-checking! He thinks it’s just a disguise for “opinion journalism”. Which kind of stands to reason, seeing as his show has been fact-free from its very inception, and has been nothing but opinions…his own, which are half-baked and all wrong. But what else would you expect from the Least Reliable Man on Radio? PS: And speaking of half-baked and all wrong, how about this? Oy to the fucking VEY.
2. Jon Fucking Voight. Uh, bozo? Black people ARE educated. They know the meaning of words like racism and oppression. They learned those things in the School of Hard Knocks. And that’s why they’re NOT voting for Drumpf. Who the hell votes for someone who’d only piss on them and take their hard-won rights away?
3. Stephen Fucking Wojciehowski. No Florida Man? No problem! New Jersey Man would be only too happy to take his place. And he’ll even greet you at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap!
4. James Fucking Wiedmann. Nice fake Adidas ad you got there, Heartiste. Would be a shame if something happened to it…like, say, Adidas and their legal team suing the piss out of you.
5 and 6. Rudy Fucking Giuliani and Chris Fucking Christie. Figures that Tweedledum and Tweedledumber would think Der Drumpf’s tax evasion was a sign of genius. And if it turns out to be a sign that he is, in fact, only rich on paper…then what? Crickets, that’s what!
7. Eric Fucking Drumpf. No, shithead, it didn’t take any “courage” whatsoever on your old man’s part to keep from mentioning Bill Clinton’s zipper problems during the debate. This is the same cheating asshole who wanted to seat Gennifer Fucking Flowers in the front row in a pathetic attempt to throw his opponent off course, after all. The real reason he didn’t do it? Sheer cowardice, because the media would have been all over him and his two proven adulterous affairs like flies on dogshit.
8. Bud Fucking Pierce. Newsflash, dopey: Even powerful women get raped and abused. As do brave, strong women. It’s not punishment for a character flaw, after all.
9. Gary Fucking Johnson. Newsflash, super-duper-double-looper-dopey: Not knowing where a place is never stopped any dumbfuck in Washington from bombing it before. Remember, Dubya had no fucking clue where Afghanistan OR Iraq was, and he had absolutely no trouble sending the troops in to kill and be killed there. War doesn’t exactly demand that a commander-in-chief be an expert on geography!
10. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. And speaking of idiocy: Guess who thinks it’s a mark of cleverness to flush a billion dollars down the crapper to avoid paying taxes? Yup…THIS WOMAN. Whose old man, you may recall, thought of geography and war as a giant chess game. Um, what?
11. Jane Fucking Allen. She thinks Michelle Obama is a gorilla? And she wonders how Michelle is going to function once she and His Barackness leave the White House? Um, idiotess, Michelle has a law licence, which she can reactivate at any time, should she really need to hang out her shingle again and go into legal practice. But I have a sneaking suspicion she won’t be hurting too much for cash…because, unlike you, she isn’t being fired for being the dumbest fucking racist in the public school system of the state of Georgia.
12. Ted Fucking Falk. I never cease to be amazed at how these right-wingers value fetal life so much, and actually born human beings so little. Especially human beings who are black, indigenous, female, and/or L, G, B, and/or T. But yeah, go plant your cute little meaningless blue and pink flags. It won’t change a thing, because no government is willing to legislate a new anti-choice law. After all, the little pink flags that you didn’t plant (because those girls got born) would vote against any legislator that proposed such a thing — in much bigger numbers!
13. Alex Fucking Jones. My mind will not be won by wars. Much less ones “fought” by you posing shirtless à la Putin on a horse. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bleach my eyes.
14. Fabian Fucking Natoli. So, “cultural enrichment” entails dressing up as a fake Aborigine, holding the spout of a gasoline can to your nose in a blatant allusion to substance-abuse problems among the indigenous, and then uploading the racist shit to Instagram? And then “apologizing” by saying it was a “joke” and “no racism intended”. Oh, of course they never INTEND to be racist. It just pops out by accident during a moment of total fucking STOOPID!
15. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Oh noes, a most unmanly critic hated a documentary (?) that he forked out cash to finance! Time to impose his will on reality! Or, as we of the jet set call it, flip the fuck out in all his thin-skinned glory. And tell all his co-religionists in masculism that they need to hit the gym, too. Oh, and buy his testicle-boosting juice books, you guys! (Is he still selling that shit? Anybody know? Anybody care?)
16. Andrea Fucking Feldman. Need more proof that the US is still racist as fuck? All right then, how about this one: A school in the Bronx — IN THE BRONX! — refusing kids entry to kindergarten — KINDERGARTEN! — if they are black and/or Latin-American. Yeah…boggles the mind, don’t it?
17. Michelle Fucking Edmisten. And while we’re on the subject of racism and education: Waaaaa, somebody’s daughter was not kept in ignorance about religions other than her own! Yes, heaven forfend that Christian kids actually learn to understand what Islam is, instead of just taking their bigoted parents’ word for it!
18. Carl Fucking Ferrer. Can you believe the nerve of him? He pimps out teenage kids to sexual abusers via the ludicrously named “adult classfieds” of Backpage.com, and still claims it’s okay in the name of Freeze Peach? There really isn’t a jail term long enough for this kind of chutzpah.
19. Brady Fucking Garrett. “Research Holocaust Revisionism”? I did, and found it to be bullshit. Also neo-Nazism. And denial of the blindingly obvious, which is that THE HOLOCAUST REALLY FUCKING HAPPENED. Not surprisingly, this is what passes for “informed discourse” at a Drumpf rally. And to this guy’s fellow Drumpfites, I have to say: This guy IS the average Drumpf supporter. Feel proud yet?
20. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, that’s right, the Trudizzle made the cut this week…for proving, indeed, to be just Harper Lite with a better hairdo and a nicer fashion sense. And also for going back on a major, MAJOR campaign promise. Does he seriously think we’d forget the one about renegotiating health accords with the provinces? Or, to put it another way: Does he seriously think that we’d just put off getting sick until he finally gets around to it, or until he’s dragged around to it, whichever comes first?
21. Scott Fucking Lattin. Texas Man, you’re putting Florida Man to shame this week…both for racism, and for general shooting-self-in-foot wankery. Whatever will you do for an encore?
22. Ann Fucking Coulter. It’s a day ending in “day”, and so the Coultergeist is out there, shooting her big hideous mouth off and being a perfect example of internalized sexism. As usual.
23. Mary Fucking Fallin. A day of prayer for the Oklahoma oil industry? On October 13? Great, I’ll save the date…and pray for that fucker to collapse completely so that the state can finally go renewable!
24. Kelly Fucking Forostiak. Her (former) students are “11 going on 18” (her words!), and she is presumably well over 18, but acting well under 11. Lovely! Let’s hope she never teaches a single class again.
25. Andrew Fucking Bieszad. God is supposedly punishing Florida for Teh Ghey with Hurricane Matthew? Shhhh, don’t anyone tell him that we Canadians have had same-sex marriage since 2005, and nobody has died in a hurricane here in all that time. The last time anyone here did die in a hurricane was during Hazel, in the 1950s. When LGBT people were still getting arrested for “deviance” or some such. Gee, do you think God might have been punishing us for persecuting queerfolks, back then?
26. Theresa Fucking May. When the most obnoxious man in not-so-great-anymore Britain says you’ve stolen his schtick, that’s when it’s time to change yours. But I guess that Brexit vote has emboldened the very worst…and swept the flotsam and jetsam all the way into No. 10 Downing.
27. Pat Fucking McCrory. And speaking of flotsam and jetsam, look what Hurricane Matthew has blown into North Carolina! Yup, Gubnor Patwa is at it again, and using monies earmarked for disaster relief…to cause brand-new disasters in the wake of an already disastrous toilet law. God, if you’re real, please smite this motherfucker but GOOD.
28. Sean Fucking Hannity. Baby Jesus is obsessed with Hillary Clinton’s underwear! I always knew he was a pervert — you practically HAVE to be one to get hired as a male on-air personality at FUX Snooze…but wow. Just WOW.
29. Matt Fucking Drudge. Ohhhh, Teh Stoopid. It not only burns, it KILLS. And if he thinks Hurricane Matthew is “looks ragged” because it didn’t hit Florida so hard, and that man-made climate change isn’t real, he really should talk to the people of Haiti. They are its prime victims!
30. Shawn Fucking Barber. Anyone buying that “I got accidental cocaine residue from kissing” excuse? Because I’m not. And I’m not buying the notion that the “drug-free professional” woman he solicited via Craigslist wasn’t being pimped by her so-called “boyfriend at the time”, either. He really should have been suspended from competition for the prescribed length of time. Good thing he didn’t get anywhere near the Olympic podium, because this is even more embarrassing than Lyin’ Lochte drunkenly trashing that gas station.
And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf. Holy fucking shit, people, he ADMITTED to being a pervert and a probable rapist. On tape. And he’s sorry “if anyone was offended”, of course. Meaning, NOT SORRY AT ALL, because he really believes he did nothing wrong. Even though he’s done nothing BUT wrong. That anyone would actually vote for this rapey-ass bozo even so is what makes him one scary clown. And one clown who really ought to be disqualified from ever running in the first place. He’s not worthy to be a Cheeto-dust puke-stain on that custom-made carpet in the Oval Office. And anyone who thinks otherwise is too fucking stupid to live.
Good night, and get fucked!