Wankers of the Week: The suspense is killing me

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And so it begins…the long and torturous wait for this election to finally be over, and for the ineligible tortoise to be pulled down from the post where he got left, God only knows how. The Post Tortoise promised to keep us in suspense, and by God, he has. But the suspense is killing me. And you know who I wish it would kill for real? These people…in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Pence. Not to let Drumpfy totally hog the limelight here, but his running mate is also a real piece of shit, as anyone from Indiana can attest (and I have friends there who do). And if you wonder just how shitty he is, get this: He doesn’t even understand how Michelle Obama could dare to denounce his running mate for grabbing women by the crotch. Which I guess stands to reason, given that Not-Worth-Tuppence is also a genital-grabber in the sense that he never met an anti-choice law he couldn’t force on women, much the same as Drumpf and his crotch-grabbing.

2. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Ladies! Have you ever been groped by a really handsy guy and described him as being like an octopus? Then JuiceBro thinks you’re lying! Not that his opinion matters for a hill of beans in this world, much less that it has any bearing on your experiences or your memory thereof. But he has it, and that’s why he’s a wanker.

3. David Fucking Clarke. Uh, sheriff? You ARE aware, I hope, that pitchfork-and-torch lynchings are illegal, right? RIGHT???

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4. Jon Fucking Girodes. Hey! Remember this guy? Last week he was a wanker for playing to racist food stereotypes in Harlem. This week, he’s in JAIL! For a rental scam. Imagine that!

5. Matt Fucking Bevin. What does an ideological fight look like? As it happens, an awful lot like rioting and terrorism. And this doofus is apparently calling for both. What do you bet he’ll play dumb when he actually GETS them?

6. Thomas Fucking Walkom. Wow, I never thought I’d have to wank-list him, but here we are, and here it is. Donald Drumpf “may be” dangerous and awful? Um, what’s “may” about it? He IS dangerous and awful. No ifs, ands or buts. He doesn’t make sense even “sometimes”! And what plan does he have for dealing with Syria? So far I haven’t seen any, much less a better one than his opponent. You call this analysis? I could eat a bowl of Alpha-Bits and shit a better one.

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7. Devin Fucking Saucier. Would it surprise you greatly that the guy who held up a sign saying it was “better to grab a pussy than to be one” is actually a Nazi? No? Oh good. Because he sure as fuck IS. And he has a very punchable face, too.

8. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. So, who said you couldn’t serve two masters? Looks like someone is having no trouble answering both to Der Drumpf AND the Chicken Noodle Network at the same time…

9. W. Tucker Fucking Keene. What’s the W stand for? Wrong, Wuss, Wimp, Warped? Your guess is as good as mine. But those fliers he sent out are most definitely illegal. As is voter intimidation, which is what they’re full of.

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10. Carl Fucking Unger. He’s worried about Hillary and her period. Touching! But seeing as she’s in her late 60s and has surely been postmenopausal for quite some time, I don’t think he needs to worry. Maybe he should worry more about Drumpf, who can’t seem to keep his hands off of things where they don’t belong.

11. Howard Fucking Stern. Yeah, surprise…the man who likes to play the bongos on women’s butts won’t replay his notorious interviews with Der Drumpf because — and I quote — “it would be a betrayal”. Howie, Howie, Howie…you run a sexist shitshow. Would it kill you to betray a fellow sexist, just this once?

12. Dan Fucking Bowman. Someone please remind this redneck thug that assassination threats are not protected speech under the First Amendment, and attempting to make good on them doesn’t fall under the Second Amendment, either. PS: And he’s a repeat offender! He told the Boston Globe that he wanted to attempt a coup. That’s not how democracy works. And that’s not “patriotism”, either. Jail for him, NOW.

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13. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Can you say BRAINWASHED, kiddies? That’s right, that’s what she is. Apparently now she thinks the whole brag about sexual assault was Billy Fucking Bush’s doing, and that he was just “egging” Der Drumpf on. Oh, and that it was just “boy talk”. Psst, lady…wanna buy a bridge in Brooklyn? PS: Ha, ha.

14. Ezra Fucking Levant. First he goes around calling Pierre Trudeau a slut. Now he wants the “slut’s” son to intervene so his shitty little blog can get credentials to cover the UN climate conference from its pro-oil, anti-environmental, anti-UN slant? Oh Ezzy, whatever happened to your free-market freedumb of screech? Now hear this, Putz: FREEDOM OF SPEECH DOESN’T MEAN FREEDOM FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF THE DUMB-ASS SHIT YOU SAY. Also, didn’t you admit you were not a journalist? And doesn’t that mean that your “media” outlet…isn’t one at all? And therefore, NOT entitled to credentials anywhere? Consequences, me boyo.

15. Ryan Fucking Williams. Isn’t it sad when you reach the ripe old age of 19 and still don’t understand how women’s bodies work? Or go on thinking, despite women in your life who could enlighten you otherwise, that women should go on paying taxes on tampons and shut up about it, because they can supposedly hold their period till they get to a toilet? Spoiler: We can’t. We really, REALLY can’t. It’s not PEE, you moron. Oh, and guess what: He’s pro-Brexit, too. See what happens when you don’t have adequate public education, Britain?

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16. Pat Fucking McCrory. Boo fucking hoo, he and his wife are now being shunned because North Carolina has become synonymous with anti-LGBT hate. Well, dude, now you know how it feels to be an outsider in your own state. At least a little bit. And if you don’t like it, you know what to do. But will you do it? NOOOOOO! So, no pity from me. PS: And that goes double after seeing this. Nobody FORCED you to do it, Paddy…you did it out of your own spite, nothing else. Take some fucking responsibility already!

17. Brad Fucking Salzberg. Oh yay, Canada now has an “official” racist “party”. Only on the ballot in BC, but no doubt in reaction to all the local Asian immigrants, especially the Chinese. It’s the bastard offspring of Drumpf and PEGIDA. And guess who’s at the head of this anti-immigrant “party”? Yeah. A guy with a non-Anglo, non-French name. Irony, thy name is Brad.

18. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Newsflash: Bernie Sanders is not an “extremist” candidate. And Der Drumpf’s supporters aren’t “hurting”. They’re not suffering from anything other than their own stupidity, which is what’s keeping them in blind thrall to capitalism and the very elite that’s ripping them off. If they were smart — or at least better educated — they’d recognize him as their class enemy. And recognize that the only problem with the Bern is that he isn’t anywhere NEAR radical enough to deal consquently with the problem.

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19. Scott Fucking Adams. Who but the mediocre mind that gave us Dilbert could make minor Twitter glitches out to be…gasp…TREASON? Because, as everyone knows, the fate of the United States and its democratic republican freedumbs totally hinges on what some silly, boring menzer cartoonist has to say! Except that no, nobody’s paying attention at all, and nobody cares. You’re just not that relevant. Maybe try getting robbed in Paris, Scotty.

20. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Well, let’s give Drumpf’s flack credit for one thing: She doesn’t give up. Even when it’s clear that he’s gonna lose, she still acts like he’s winning. Who says the system isn’t rigged? Ha, ha.

21. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Oh, so becoming president would be a “step down” for Big Daddy Drumpf, would it? A step down from WHAT? Because last I looked, I saw that there was literally nothing beneath him. He’s already about as low as you can go, short of tearing the heads off live kittens.

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22. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. How do Repugs ever get elected? By rigging elections! Remember Florida, 2000? Classic case.

23. Sarah Fucking Palin. And once more, with feeling: Remember Florida, 2000. Are you gonna kill Dubya and his FUX Snooze cousin too, Screech?

24. Stefce Fucking Kutlesovski. Via Aussie friends, I found out that this one had the chutzpah to illegally demolish a historic Irish pub in Melbourne for some obscene future profit, and has now been ordered to rebuild it, brick by fucking brick. I hope it breaks him.

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25. Peggy Fucking Mast. Hitler’s words are “profound”? Yes…profoundly stupid and profoundly WRONG. Just like YOU.

26. Brad Fucking Trost. No, human rights laws are NOT “big government run amok”. They’re human rights laws, and they stand even in the face of Big Conservative Governments like Harpo’s, which routinely ran roughshod over human rights in every part of Canada. This, idiot, is why you and your party are failing. You actually think that people don’t deserve to have their rights protected from business interests and bigots who oppose them. You pitiful, pathetic fucking FOOL.

27. Jason Fucking Kenney. And while we’re on the subject of pitiful, pathetic fucking fools, how about him? He seriously thinks that extending human-rights protections to LGBT people — many of whom are of school-going age — is some kind of “social experiment”. Well, if it is, it’s been a raving success in every country that’s ever tried it. Time Alberta caught up, eh?

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28. Jim Fucking Moseley. Meanwhile, on the other side of the border, another kind of culture war is being waged…and it is racist as fuck. Stupid as fuck, too, if the “Christian soldiers” like this one are anything to go by.

29. Jacques Fucking Frémont. So, no investigation for an obscene “pub crawl” at the U of O? What message are we to draw from this? “Boys will be boys, and the old boys will excuse them, because they did the same when they themselves were boys”? Is that it?

30. Brian Fucking Babin. Oh, so sometimes, “a lady needs to be told she’s nasty”? Well, then, “genteel Southerner”, I guess you won’t mind if I call you a sexist old piece of shit. Because sometimes, “gentlemen” need to be told off, too!

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And finally, to all the fucking idiot women who support Drumpf and Pence, despite the former’s habit of groping everything within reach, and the latter’s habit of taking away women’s rights at every turn. At long last, have you no shame? Does your face bother you so much that you’d really cut off your noses to spite it? And if it’s “feminazis” that bother you, just remember…you’re dissing the women who won you the right to throw your votes down the crapper. And you don’t have any right to complain at the end of the day, when they flush it. If you really hate feminism so damn much, why not just live your beliefs and NOT FUCKING VOTE? That way, you may still be a fucking idiot, but at least you’ll be a consistent fucking idiot.

Good night, and get fucked!

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