Wankers of the Week: Black Friday White Fragility Special Snowflake Edition

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy Black Friday/US Thanksgiving to all you good folks who are belching turkey fumes as we speak. Hope none of you got trampled (or shot) by any sale-crazed psychos out there today. On the other hand, I think that fate is entirely too good for all of the following, in no particular order…

1. Tila Fucking Tequila. Between her and Michelle Fucking Malkin, I never cease to be amazed at all the Asian white supremacists in the woodwork. How DO these idiots square their Nazi sympathies with the fact that THEY. ARE. NOT. WHITE??? Do they think they’ll seriously get some kind of free pass just for singing off the same hymn sheet as the people who secretly hate their non-white guts? Newsflash, ladies…those ovens don’t care how ideologically in-line you are. Once you idiots cease to be useful to the cause, in you’ll go. And no one will haul your fat from the fire…literally.

2. Jedediah Fucking Bila. It doesn’t matter in what capacity he showed up to see the play. Veep-elect Mike Fucking Pence could not be LESS marginalized. He’s a WASP, remember? The traditional US ruling class, in other words? Oh, never mind. No use trying to educate the brain-dead…

3. David Fucking Sanguesa. Dude, you were not merely having a bad day. You are living a bad life. And no, you’re not mentally ill; you have rectocranial inversion, to be sure, but that’s easily cured by pulling your head out of your capacious ass. Don’t blame Starbucks for your own shittiness. You have a track record for rotten behavior, and it just went public. You lost business because YOU ACTED OUT. Nobody wants to do business with shitty people. Period. End of.

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4. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Fuck you, spokesdroid, I don’t need to watch a single word I say. I’m not the one in the business of lying for a desiccated tangerine who just dragged all the major media up on the carpet to either threaten or bribe them, I’m not sure which. I will say whatever I damn well please, and will disregard anything short of an actual set of legal papers served to me at home. Which, BTW, has NEVER happened no matter who has threatened me and/or had their widdle feelings hurt by my opinions. OR my marshalling of facts.

5. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. He’s trying to position himself as the Canadian anti-Drumpf, but he sounds far too much like him. Plus he’s belligerent and thin-skinned like him, too. He’s not ready for his close-up, Mr. DeMille.

6. Kellie Fucking Leitch. When you’re so far off the rails that the author of the book you’re telling everyone to read says you’re crazy, that’s also pretty damn bad. No author appreciates being misread, but being promoted on the basis of misreading, by a fascist with obvious aspirations? Kiss of DEATH. PS: And this isn’t helping you either, you evil toadstool. You are openly advocating CENSORSHIP in the name of capitalism. PPS: Ha, ha!

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7. Mark Fucking Downey. Well, looky here. The white supremacists are indeed emboldened, and this one so much so that he’s already taken the liberty of asking Drumpf to persecute the Jews…and make his fascism mainstream. If he tries, he’s gonna see that the shitstorm whirling around his head has only just begun to howl. Ha, ha.

8. Tom Fucking Price. Oh, so he thinks all women can easily afford birth control? Oh sure, we can buy it from a coin-op gum machine…except we totally can’t. Men like him have seen to that! We can only get the Pill by prescription, and for that, we need doctors and pharmacists, and those all cost. In the US, which unlike my home and native land has an arch-capitalist medical mess on its hands, that means you pay an arm and a leg. Yet somehow, old coots like this out-of-touch moron can always get their Viagra paid for by any existing drug plan. Maybe that should change, eh? And meanwhile, ladies of Georgia, perhaps you’d like to flood this man’s office with your prescription birth control bills, so he sees how many of you there really are!

9. Pat Fucking McCrory. Recount all you like, bubba, but you LOST, and the recount will show that. And frankly, I’m surprised it’s even that close, considering how badly you’ve dragged your state through the mud.

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10. Dennis Fucking Scranton. You want to see gays hanging, old man? Like Matthew Shepard on that fence out in your state? Oh, NICE. How about we do the same to YOU, then? Don’t like that? Fine, then, keep your big mouth shut…and don’t open it again unless you’re planning to resign your post, because there has never been a bigger fucking disgrace to the horrendous, out-of-date Electoral College than YOU. I don’t give a shit how old you are or how you were raised. There are plenty of others who’ve reached your age without being so immoral as to call for the deaths of people who’ve never done a thing to them. Emulate their example, and if you can’t — go fuck yourself with a traffic cone.

11. Jeff Fucking Essmann. Same link, same old shit, different asshole. You’re refusing to be part of the solution? Then you are part of the problem. His remarks DO represent your party, thanks to the office you installed him in and refuse to remove him from. You, sir, are a goddamned ENABLER. You can fuck yourself with the same traffic cone after #10 is done with it.

12. Charlie Fucking Kirk. Oh, a “watchlist” for “liberal” profs. Cute. You must be another of those little Nazis-without-the-guts-to-say-their real name, then. Or maybe you’d prefer me to call you a McCarthyite? I’d rather just call you white trash, personally. And I’d like even more to see you taken to the curb, where you belong.

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13. John Fucking Primomo. Nobody cares who you voted or didn’t vote for. Telling people who they should get behind and support politically is NOT YOUR FUCKING JOB. If you want to do your job right, tell people to respect the laws, not the “presidency” (which, in any event, Der Drumpf is NOT)…and do so yourself, since you seem to have forgotten how.

14. Carl Fucking Higbie. Oh lordy, this guy again. Didn’t I list him last week? Still busy spinning, I see. Just as Boss Man Drumpf is busy chewing out the media for showing his extra chins and not making him look unrealistically good. He’s too busy seeking the biggest ego-boost ever. No wonder he has no time for denouncing all the racists hailing him.

15. Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow. Well, look who finally consciously uncoupled…from her own damn brain. No, a Drumpf presidency will not be fun for me…even though I’m Canadian, and this wanklist will practically write itself! And I don’t think it will be terribly entertaining for anyone else who doesn’t directly stand to profit from it financially, either. And no, I will NOT be “opening my mind” to this, because I’ve seen what it looks like when your brain plops out. It’s expensive, it’s gaudy as fuck…but it sure as hell is not pretty. Just like Gwynnie’s taste in everything, as luck would have it!

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16. Tim Fucking Allen. Isn’t it nice to know that Tool Time Timmy…is in fact quite the tool himself? Calls himself an “anarchist” while endorsing an oligarch. Yeah. Home Improvement? I wouldn’t trust this clown to improve a potting shed. And Tool Boy? If you hate showbiz and its liberals so much, just GTFO. You won’t be missed by anyone with a working brain.

17. Geert Fucking Wilders. Oh fuck, HIM again. And of course, Bleachbrains McNazifuck is gonna make his own trial an opportunity to masturbate publicly on the stand about how hate speech is “freedom of speech” and how he’s some kind of anti-PC hero, because OF COURSE HE FUCKING WOULD. Kudos to his prosecutor for the tersely worded smackdown, too. If only Gabby Geert could learn such verbal economy for himself.

18. James Fucking Oakley. Hey yeronner, “hanging judge” is only supposed to be a figure of speech. And it doesn’t speak well of your judicial impartiality if the sight of a black defendant’s photo is enough to turn you into the leader of a fucking lynch mob.

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19. Daniel Fucking Benjamin. No, you don’t get to call other people racists for calling out your racism. It’s racist to glorify drivers who deliberately run down black people — as YOU did. And it’s racist to make other people’s shitty driving about the Black Lives Matter movement — as YOU did. Try getting the hell out of the kindergarten playground before you enter politics, dude — the whole “I know you are, but what am I?” strategy is transparently idiotic and unoriginal, to say the least.

20. Alana Fucking Annette Fucking Savell. Why the double Fucking? Because it wouldn’t be a fucking wankapedia without a Fucking Florida Woman! And because this one is so gun-mad and stupid-drunk that she seriously can’t be arsed to just ASK her guests to leave, but thinks that shooting them in the leg will somehow make them hop to it. That’s why.

21. Jonathan Fucking Fortier. What is it, pray tell, that the Fraser Institute actually does for a living? Well, if this “senior fellow” is any indication, it churns out McCarthyite crapaganda…fifty-odd years past its expiration date!

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22. Tommy Fucking Hilfiger. Hark, the voice of fashion medicrity speaketh! But hey, at least Tacky Onassis finally found someone with a Big Name™ to dress her. And his creations promise to be about as exciting as the canned vanilla pudding she already wears, too!

23. Joe Fucking Scarborough. Barack Obama didn’t “fail”, he was obstructed. And he didn’t come into office as “black Jesus”, he came in as a BLACK PRESIDENT. Which is actually WHY he got obstructed by all those racists from YOUR party, you fucking moron. Oh, and way to whitewash all those swastikas behind your boy Drumpf, too. Yes, I’m sure that pointing that out is really a bad strategy, unless you actually want to DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THE FUCKING NAZIS, duh.

24. Tony Fucking Blair. Yes, we do need to hear from current and former world leaders denouncing Der Drumpf and spreading fresh hope. But not you, Toady, not you. You were Dubya’s poodle, remember?

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25. John Fucking Tory. Tolls on the DVP and Gardiner? Uh, shouldn’t you take a look at how well that didn’t work out for Toronto’s OTHER toll road, the laughable 407? And why the hell is it so damn hard for you Cons to just TAX THE FUCKING RICH and BUILD PUBLIC TRANSIT, instead of dinging ordinary folks who have to commute because they can’t afford TO’s record high housing prices?

26. Nigel Fucking Farage. Get ready, USA…here comes yet another insufferable bomb-throwing twatwaffle with a plummy accent, across the pond to make you miserable. Wasn’t Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos enough hypocrisy and idiocy for you? Well, you can do something about it…call him the fuck out whenever you see his idiotically grinning face. You’ll probably recognize it from that time he appeared in Drumpfy’s tacky brass elevator.

27. Mike Fucking Yenni. Who’s got two thumbs, has been caught sexting a teenage boy, and still claims not to be gay (but only because to come out would cost him his job)? THIS GUY.

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28. June Fucking Pridmore. How does it feel to be your friendly local Racist of the Week? Ha, ha. Slavery is over, and so’s Jim Crow, honey. And so’s your job. Your “man” can’t buy anyone. Not even the new crooked WHITE president. And you wonder why nobody trusts banksters? They can’t even keep their facts straight, much less their figures.

29. Bill Fucking Schuette. Yes, folks, you read correctly: The Fucking Attorney General of Michigan thinks that schoolchildren have no fundamental right to literacy, and therefore, that their class-action suit against the crumbling school system of their crumbling state is without merit. I really have to ask where HE went to school, and what diploma mill (in a Third World country, no doubt) graduated him.

30. Michael Fucking Flynn. Well, there goes the “at least Drumpf isn’t an interventionist/imperialist/whateverist” argument, right out the window. His prospective national security advisor is not only a fucking crackbrain with a tinfoil helmet and a toy missile down his pants, he’s all set to fight the next (imperialist/inteventionist/whateverist) world war! Even wrote a book about it with Michael Fucking Ledeen. Gee. I can’t wait to hear how much worse Hillary Clinton would have been now!

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And finally, to all the fucking fake-news purveyors out there. From California to Macedonia. Congratulations, neckbeards…you’ve made your bundle. But at whose fucking expense? Don’t kid yourself that you only gamed Google and the advertisers who bought space on it. You also helped throw an election to someone who’s out to vacuum up all the profits for the 1%, and guess what? You may have made some money that might be impressive for some pizza-faced kids in the boondocks, but that ain’t nothin’ compared to the oligarchy that’s now poised to take over the White House and all the remaining branches of the US government, too. The world is about to go to shit, and guess who helped drag it into the toilet. Yes, YOU. But hey! Pat yourselves on your smug little backs. You just proved that casino capitalism works. And now it’s about to work for a bunch of assholes who already have too much, but who think that too much is never enough. And they are going to take it all away from you and leave you wishing you’d never written a single three-exclamation-point headline for your fake news sites. Feel proud of your “achievements” yet?

Good night, and get fucked!

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