Wankers of the Week: Breakfast of Chumpions


Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about that cereal-killer boycott by the Drumpfniks? As you can see by the title and the memes this week, it’s backfiring on them beautifully. Guaranteed that no one’s going to miss Bitefart’s measly readership by this time next week. And you know who else would never be missed if they dropped off the face of the Earth? These moldy cornflakes…in no particular order:

1. Theodore Fucking Beale. Riddle me this: How the hell does one become an author when one has so little reading comprehension? Well, it helps that he’s a fantasy author. Unfortunately, the majority of the fairy tales he writes aren’t about elves and gnomes and swords and sorcery, but just stupid racist misinterpretations of a company trying to prevent package fraud in Germany. PS: Also, “equalitarian” isn’t a word. You’re thinking of egalitarian, Teddy bozo. And you might want to stop sneering when you say it, too.

2. John Fucking Kilpatrick. Arghle dee blooble dee blop! What did I just say? Well, that was Tongues for “Good Gawd, this preacher is one helluva fucking charlatan. Just like Der Drumpf.”

3. Nick Fucking Cannon. Sez Planned Parenthood is responsible for “real genocide” and “eugenics”, with zero proof. And in related news, Nick Fucking Cannon is a tool, and now we all know why Mariah Carey dumped his ass. And we also have an inkling that his mother made the wrong choice when she decided to carry said ass to term.


4. Kristina Fucking Arriaga. Newsflash, religious liberty dumbbell: Your country is not the world’s policeman, your surgeon-general is not a fucking coroner, and you have no business to demand Fidel Castro’s death certificate. Mind your own beeswax, already. And get off the fucking TV.

5. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Well, well. Look who fell out with the “alt-right”, or should we say NEO-FUCKING-NAZIS? Yeah…the one, the only, the quite-gross-enough-on-his-own Roosh V. Only, alas, it didn’t last. Roosh needs eyeballs for his shitty blog, so he’ll sidle up to anyone who looks like they might be receptive, and tongue their earholes. Now he’s sucking Richard Fucking Spencer’s cocktail wienie again. Roosh, make up your fucking mind already. Oh…I see. You’ve made up your mind to be repugnant and repulsive to anyone with an ounce of humanity, but especially women? All right, carry on, then. Nothing makes me happier than the thought of you moaning about how forever alone and unlaid you are.

6. Cassandra Fucking Elizabeth Fucking Sutton. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid you have to be to believe there’s any black people whom it’s okay to call the n-word. And also how racist you’d have to be to call any of them that in the first place. And also how blind you’d have to be not to see white guys committing crimes, whether it’s on your street or in the boardrooms and office towers of the world. Oh, and did I mention RACIST? Yeah. RACIST.


7. Jennifer Fucking Boyle. Lady, nobody gives a rat’s ass who you voted for. And it doesn’t matter if he won. Nobody is “discriminating” against your lily-white ass. You still have to pay in full for things, same as everyone else, and you still have to respect others — again, same as everyone else. His so-called “win” isn’t a licence for you to be an entitled, racist piece of shit.

8. David Fucking Petraeus. Well, well, look who’s blasted back from the past. General Betrayus is being tapped for secretary of state by Der Drumpf! Yes, that’s right…a man who couldn’t even be trusted to keep his dick out of a woman not his wife, much less treat state secrets prudently with said woman, is now being tapped by the Adulterer-in-Chief. Honor? What the fuck is THAT? This so-called future administration is going to be leaker than a worn-out sieve before it even gets up and running.

9. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. Toughness on future presidents’ conflicts of interest? Well, I guess it depends on who’s president…and what letter is after their name. If it’s an R, apparently a huge pile of ‘em doesn’t matter a heap of beans. Yeah, tell me this one’s not crooked as fuck himself…


10. Gregg Fucking Jarrett. “Get Out of Jail Free” cards are for Monopoly. Nobody handed Hillary Clinton one. And insinuating that she’s lucky not to be in jail yet, just for demanding a full democratic accounting? That’s fucking dictatorial.

11. Sam Fucking Oosterhoff. Barely off his by-election, and already Little Big Man not only wants to throw a rager to celebrate the dumbest victory ever, he’s also trying to boss the adults around when he’s not even sworn in as an MPP. Kid, you’re a rookie. You’re barely old enough to vote in an election, much less oppose your own party’s declared stance. Sit down and let the grown-ups talk. PS: And nooooo, of course you’re not a homophobe. You just happen to think that granting same-sex parents equal rights is a terrible idea. Nothing at all homophobic about that, that’s just bigoted and hateful, is all!

12. Rick Fucking Joyner. Der Drumpf, compassionate? Honest? A disciple of Jesus? Oh stop. My leg is hurting from all the pulling!


13. Jim Fucking Bakker. And speaking of Jesus-freakery: Buy Jimmeh’s buckets-o-crap! Yeah, they’re crap, and there’s no fucking way they have a shelf life of 20 years, but at least by selling these, he’s making a more honest living than he was when he was just selling prayers.

14. Alex Fucking Jones. And speaking of peddling buckets-o-crap: How about him? He’s the one responsible for Der Drumpf’s claims of ballot-stuffing. Meanwhile, actual ballot-stuffing HAS taken place…and it’s all on his side! Oops, so much for THAT conspiracy-theory smokescreen…

15. Mike Fucking Cernovich. And MOAR buckets-o-crap! Yes, that’s right, folks…it’s Juicebro! And this time, he’s made a documentary. Or something approximating one, anyhow. It’s even been reviewed by Milo Fucking Yeah-Nope, of all people. And his praise is so faint that it’s about to pass out.


16. Brad Fucking Trost. He doesn’t believe man-made global warming is real. He’s a fundie out the wazoo. And yet, he considers himself a “scientist”. Reminder: This moron is actually in the running for Conservative Party of Canada leader!

17. Caleb Joseph Fucking Illig. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without at least one Florida Man. And he couldn’t be a wanker without a backwards baseball cap, xenophobic racism, and oh yeah, Drumpfism.

18. David Fucking Clarke. He wants to send a million people to Gitmo when people are dying inside his own county jails? Frankly, he shouldn’t be picked for dogcatcher, never mind head of Homeland Security (an office that should have been abolished when Dubya left office anyway). And oh yeah, Cuba? Now would be a good time to kick the gringos out of Guantánamo Bay for good, eh? PS: LGBT+ people also say fuck you. Fuck you very much. And take off that cowboy hat; you’re not from Texas, cheeseball.


19. Andrea Fucking Hardie. Newsflash: Nazis are antisemitic! ‘Nother newsflash: The so-called “alt-right” are Nazis! Also: Water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and you’ll never guess what bears do in the woods. Goodness gracious me, this fucking fool is getting blinded by all these newsflashes! So much so that she can’t even tell if the hate is “justified”. Here’s a broad hint: If it’s directed at an entire group of people for no reason other than that Those People are not of your own group, it’s NEVER FUCKING JUSTIFIED. And if you have to go fishing for reasons why it might be “justified”, you just might be a Nazi yourself. And you can go fuck yourself for that.

20. Tim Fucking Wildmon. Remember that old saying about how you can’t serve both God and Mammon? Well, in case you hadn’t heard the news, the televangelical lobby threw down for the latter a long, LONG time ago. And they’re still doing it, and claiming to be “persecuted” because they’re “Christians”, too. (Note the quotes, there for a reason.)

21. Pat Fucking Robertson. And speaking of the televangelical lobby. Patwa badly needs a little sex-ed. Correction: He needs A LOT.


22. Alexander Fucking Marlow. Isn’t it rich all of a sudden to hear the far fascist right acting all concerned about female sexuality, and telling us to #BoycottKelloggs on the tweeter? Yeah. Almost as rich as hearing Bitefart’s current honcho claim that his company’s neo-Nazi horseshit is “mainstream American ideas”. Never mind that about a century ago, these flag-humping freaks would all have been fanatical adherents of John Harvey Kellogg and his erroneous notions about “passions”, which by the way also influenced the “thought” (and dietary fanaticism) of Adolf Hitler.

23. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid it is to say that something is “an idea of an opinion”. And also that there is “no such thing as facts”, and to assert that Der Drumpf’s bullshit tweets “are truth”. Idiocies like that are how you end up with a moron as your candidate…one who will sure and soon enough be impeached for conflict of interest, just as you will be laughed at for conflicting with facts.

24. Joseph Fucking Schmitz. Hey Nazi-apologist dumbass, did you sleep through history class in high school? Because if you hadn’t, you’d have learned that the ovens at Auschwitz were not used for killing, but for cremation. The gas chambers were for killing. As was the Nazi habit of working prisoners to death on meagre rations (also known as STARVATION), and contagious diseases such as typhus, and firing squads that buried their victims in mass graves out in the woods, and oh yeah, Dr. Mengele’s chamber of horrors, too. But of course, what can we expect when there’s no such thing as facts anymore, and opinions are all that exists in the world?


25. Chris Fucking Bosgraaf. How’s it feel to be roasted all over the Internet for your racism? Yeah, surprise…your boy may have gotten some states in the election, but it doesn’t mean you suddenly get away with saying all the racist shit you’ve been holding in for the last 8 years.

26. Tomi Fucking Lahren. If you have to go around constantly TELLING people that you’re not a racist, guess what? YOU ARE A RACIST. OWN IT. And then, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT — other than whining how totally-not-a-racist you are, natch.

27. Michelle Fucking Herren. And speaking of totally-not-a-racist: Yeah, here’s another one in denial. When you compare black women to monkeys, and describe their perfectly enunciated English as “poor ebonics”, YOU ARE TOTALLY A RACIST. Sure am glad that you were never a doctor of mine.


28. Cheryl Fucking Sullenger. Whatsamatter, TERRORIST, don’t you like being called a TERRORIST? Because plotting to bomb women’s health clinics makes you one, whether you shout your slogans in Arabic or not. Killing doctors and nurses is not “pro-life”, and under no circumstances does it “aid pregnant women” who want and/or need to terminate a pregnancy. It only scares the shit out of them, and you know that perfectly well. That’s what makes you a TERRORIST. And if you don’t like being called that, tough toenails…TERRORIST, TERRORIST, TER-ROR-IST!!!

29. James Fucking Delingpole. Well, well, look who writes for Bitefart. This fucking idiot, who’s been wrong ever since he first put pen to paper in grade school. And who just got dissed (albeit indirectly) by the Bern. Ha, ha.

30. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Your fucking boss is no longer a “private citizen”, and hasn’t been since he declared his precandidacy as a Republican. He HAS to release his taxes, and if he won’t, someone else will do it for him. And that someone else MUST be the media, because that’s THEIR job. And you should be fired from yours. All of them, since you’re clearly too ignorant and incompetent to hold any.


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf himself. Yes, the big DD has truly outdone himself this week by recognizing the Kuomintang government of Taiwan, which should make China so happy that they’ll quit manufacturing all his #MAGA kitsch. And by running a “victory lap” that was poorly attended in the Rust Belt, which supposedly gave him his “victory” in the first place…mainly by refusing to vote at all. At this rate, buyer’s remorse is not just an inevitability, it’s a fait accompli before he even gets within hollering distance of the Oval Office. Little wonder he’d rather hole up in his ugly tower and not have to deal with the nation’s business at all. Well, dude, you bought it, and you’ve already broken it. Might as well grab that broom and dustpan, that shit’s not going to sweep itself. Your trophy wife can’t do it because she’s too busy trying to track down someone tacky enough to dress her, and you’re deporting all the undocumented immigrants who used to do your dirtywork for you…remember?

Good night, and get fucked!

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