Wankers of the Week: Crappy Unpresidented Holidays!


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy holiday season to all and sundry, with a special note of Fuck Your Feelings to all the Deplorables who wore THOSE shirts, and who will soon be feeling the fuckery. Oh yes, very soon, and with everyone wishing them happy holidays and not caring a fuck for their Merry Christmas, because it’s not the only holiday going on during this time of year. (There’s also Yule, Hanukkah, and New Year’s Eve and Day, to name just four.) So, Gods bless us, every one…except for the Deplorables. And these execrable motherfuckers, in no particular order:

1. Richard Fucking Spencer. You want an all-white colony on the Moon, Nazi-boy? That could be arranged. But the oxygen will cost you extra. A LOT extra. Also, your German pronunciation sucks. Stop trying to appropriate my language, you poorly-dressed creep with a weak chin and an ugly haircut.

2. Philip Fucking Davies. No, of course he doesn’t want there to be violence against women and girls, oh heavens no. And yet there he is, filibustering to try to stop debate on (and passage of) a law that would do something about that very problem. His political career, at this rate, is bound to be very nasty, brutish and short, just like Der Drumpf’s fingers.

3. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why?


That’s why. In his haste to burnish his Muslim-bashing credentials, the Putz decided to lift a page from #1’s book and go straight for the Nazi terminology to vilify all the media that aren’t in (goose-) step with his own views. But hey! At least he wrote what could just as easily be his own warning label. Because there really isn’t a single thing he and his so-called “Rebel Media” aren’t capable of lying about.

4. Tom Fucking DeLay. Watch out, folks, the Bugman’s been huffing Parathion again! Either that, or he has a really, REALLY strange idea of “clean”, because Der Drumpf’s administration promises to be dirtier than a mile-high manure pile, with conflicts of interest out the fucking wazoo.

5. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Just like #2, this whitewashed (heh) fucking sepulchre is claiming he doesn’t want any murder or mayhem. This even as he’s calling for a massive trollstorm against Jews. Does the man even read his own shit?

6. Tony Fucking Perkins. Ahem. ‘Scuse me while I shut my gaydar off, he trips it every time…there. Oh, how I wish he would just come out of the closet already. Nobody will want him, but at least he’d no longer be babbling about how all the LGBT+ folks should be persecuted more.


7. Bill Fucking Huizenga. Maybe a guy who let his own small son suffer all night with a broken arm before finally taking the kid to a doctor…ISN’T the best person to be making decsions, or even idle comments, on health insurance. Especially since he also can’t tell the difference between an X-ray, a CAT scan, and an MRI — all three of which I have had, and not paid a cent for thanks to our superior Canadian system, and which I can attest are very different from each other. Also, I paid nothing for my tubal ligation OR my lumpectomy. I guess that just makes me overly reliant on our health system, eh?

8. Alex Fucking Jones. And the Flaming Pants Award goes to…THIS GUY! Who, as usual, offers up not a shred of proof for any of his cockamamie assertions. But he HAS been known to quietly (well, as quietly as he can) take down ones that have managed to cast him in a really, REALLY bad light. Like the light generated by his own pants going up in smoke. Ha, ha.

9. Katie Fucking Hopkins. And speaking of taking down things that cast one in a bad light, how about HER? She “apologized”, over the tweeter, to a Muslim family she vilified in her column…IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT. Cowardly, cowardly custard…can’t cut the mustard.


10. Nigel Fucking Farage. How pathetic are you when the husband of a murdered MP has to smack you down and remind you of just how slippery a slope you’re standing on? And how much more pathetic are you when the combination of slippery slope and smackdown becomes too much for you, and you just plunge headlong down that hill, with everybody else laughing and pointing? PS: This is not going to help rebuild your fucked credibility, either.

11. Sarah Fucking Palin. Drunk again, tweeting again, bouncing off the walls again. And a fist comes down like a hammer on a drum, hammer on a drum. See, I can quote and paraphrase song lyrics too, but I can do it better.

12. Newt Fucking Gingrich. “Technically, under the constitution”, Der Drumpf has the authority to commit nepotism and insider trading, and pardon all the relatives who did it for him? Nuh-unh, Newty. That would make him a criminal, subject to impeachment and trial, and his “pardons” null and void. What diploma mill graduated you, again?


13. Ted Fucking Cruz. Obstruction? It’s only wrong when the other side does it! Yes, really. Siddown, Ted, and shush.

14. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Put on the conical hat, Fuckabee, and join #12 in the corner with your idiotic and asinine calls for dictatorship. Especially that galling dumbth about fetuses being “deprived of life or liberty without due process”. Uh, how about the lives and liberties of WOMEN? You know, HALF THE HUMAN RACE? Don’t THEY count for anything???

15. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Welp. Now we KNOW Billo is not only drinking, but humping a falafel in the shower again. And no doubt shouting racist epithets while he’s at it, too.


16. Brandon Fucking Coe. Sexually assaulting a 7-year-old is a heinous crime, but claiming she wanted it, when the average 7-year old doesn’t even know what sex is, and isn’t legally able to give consent, regardless? Yup, that’s a wank. And it’s one that didn’t fool the cops, and won’t fool a judge or jury, either. PS: His dad, Ronny, is also a wanker…for claiming it would be a “waste of time” to report a child rape to police. And just think, he’s an auxiliary officer! Hope he doesn’t stay one, because he’s clearly fucking incompetent.

17. Ann Fucking Coulter. When you’re a Coultergeist, you don’t need to wear a sheet to scare people. You just attend the Vdare holiday “gala” for white supremacy with your mean, scowly face hanging out there for all the world to see.

18. James Fucking Wiedmann. Looks like “Heartiste” still ain’t gettin’ any. And he’s pissed as hell that people of other colors than his own (white, natch) are apparently not only doing so, but making more of themselves. So much so that he’s now referring to Barack Obama as “the Gay Mulatto” (with no evidence as to his sexuality, and archaic terms for his racial composition) and fuming about his imaginary “treason”. Bawwww, diddums!


19. Ken Fucking Ham. Speaking of “bawwwww, diddums”: Looks like he haz a sad because Teh Gheyz are better at using the symbolism of the rainbow than his imaginary friend is. And now he’s lighting up his fake ark in the gay colors, just to show THEM! But shhhh, don’t anyone tell him that it didn’t start out as a Christian symbol. And especially don’t tell him about Iris, the Greek Goddess of the Rainbow!

20. Rick Fucking Bell. Trust the Calgary Sun and its hacks to stoop to just about anything to smear Premier Notley, even a bogus charge of hypocrisy. And to do it all fact-free, as usual!

21. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. I don’t doubt that Repug men in politics have mistresses and play golf a lot, but Jesus H. Christ, those are NOT the reasons they don’t spend much time with their kids. The real reason, as usual, is good old-fashioned SEXISM…which is what has them expecting their wives to do all the domestic shit while they’re out playing golf and schtupping their secretaries. Including her own boss, who she claims isn’t doing that…as though it would convince anyone who watched what he did to Wives #1 and 2 (and 3, too).


22. Gersh Fucking Kuntzman. Think “journalists” can’t cause diplomatic incidents? They sure as hell can. And this one did. How? By pissing on the coffin of Andrey Karlov, the late Russian ambassador to Turkey, in the form of a completely bullshit op-ed about him. The Russian Foreign Ministry is now seeking a formal apology from the New York Daily News, which for some odd reason didn’t think it was completely irresponsible to run that article without so much as a fact check. What’s all this about fake news again, Mainstream Media?

23. Dan Fucking Patrick. Barring trans women from using women’s washrooms, but not doing the same with trans men using the men’s john? I smell the stench of sexism.

24. Scott Fucking Adams. And speaking of stinky sexism, the dilbert behind Dilbert has had yet another brain-fart. This time to the effect that Goebbels and Karl Fucking Rove were both right about that whole Big Lie thing. Keep repeating it, keep making it bigger, and it magically converts into truthiness! Only, of course, it doesn’t. And it doesn’t even really fool anyone who’s not a god-awful fool to begin with, either.


25. James Fucking Delingpole. When are we allowed to say that the grieving widower of a politically-assassinated woman is an arse, he wonders. The answer is NEVER. But it’s always permissible to say that James Fucking Delingpole is one, because that’s just a simple statement of fact.

26. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Oh, so single-stall washrooms are “special rights”, now? Well, if trans people were granted the same rights as cis people, and were regarded as normal like cis people, no one would need anything special, would they now?

27. David Fucking Horowitz. He’s not racist — BLACK PEOPLE are! And he’s only been singing this refrain for what…the last 25 years, or so? At long last, Dave, give it up. Everyone knows it’s bullshit, and it doesn’t even ring on key.


28. Carl Fucking Paladino. Good feckin’ lard, what have we here? Racism, transphobia, and a persistent ignorance of the backgrounds and genders of the First Couple of the US? Yup. How about we drop HIM in Africa to die of mad-cow disease, instead? Seems he’s already halfway there. Oh, and he works for Drumpf…which I guess explains everything.

29. Harold Fucking Bornstein. Good gawd, he’s alive! And he’s a quack! And now we can see why he rubber-stamped Der Drumpf’s health check.

30. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. So, whose idea was it to sell access to Dear Ol’ Dad — for “charity”? Uh, that would be Butt-Head. Meanwhile, brother Beavis Drumpf is looking for temporary foreign workers to staff the family plonk brewery — grossly underpaid, of course.


And finally, to Donald J. Fucking Drumpf himself. Just when you think he couldn’t get any worse, he does: Trying (unsuccessfully) to force the Radio City Rockettes to dance at his inauguration (and no doubt stick around for a pussy-groping behind the scenes), hiring an ‘80s cover band called The Reagan Years (yes, really!) and scariest of all, resurrecting the worst chapter of the real Reagan years by talking of ramping up a nuclear arms race against…well, let’s just say that now, nobody can really call him Pooty-Poot’s puppet with a straight face anymore. We’re all too busy watching Dr. Strangelove and The Day After on endless loop…and practicing our ducking and covering, and trying desperately to budget for fallout shelters in our backyards. Yes, this has truly been an unpresidented week…and sadly, it doesn’t look any better for the coming year.

Good night, and fergawdsakes, don’t let us get fucked!

This entry was posted in Wankers of the Week. Bookmark the permalink.