Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, the verdict is in, and guess who TIME Magazine’s person of the year is? Yeah…Adolf Hitler all over again. Only this time without the tailored uniforms and the shiny boots. But everything else is the same, including the rallies of slack-jawed yokels with ugly haircuts, crooked teeth, and mean little piggy eyes. It’s enough to make a saint swear. And here’s who the saints are cussing out this week, in no particular order:
1. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Well, hello, Joe, whaddya know? Still not bloody much, by the sounds of it. This sleeping turtle has come out of his slumber just long enough to give the Dems the worst advice ever. The same gutless shit that helped him lose the 2000 election and roll over for Dubya thereafter. He’s been silent since Obama ate his lunch in the 2008 primaries (after which he fucked off in a snit as an “independent”), and one wishes he’d remained so. Go left, Dems, and keep going that way if you actually WANT to win. Because that’s where all the voters-who-never-voted are.
2. Fran Fucking Tarkenton. And speaking of old know-nothings we haven’t heard from in a dog’s age, how about HIM? And how deep IS his anus if he seriously thinks nobody’s boycotted Obama for the last eight years? Because that’s where he’s had his head all this time. But of course, he’s a Drumpfite, so fuckheaded ignorance is kind of a given there.
3. Eric Fucking Drumpf. If you’re so serious about saving children’s lives, and think it takes precedence over the rescue of democracy from a megalomaniac who would only take all that money and squander it on gold-plating the White House, Eric…how about selling all your 24-karat tchotchkes, paying your family’s taxes, and actually providing socialized medicine to all those kids, and their parents and grandparents too?
4. Chris Fucking Alexander. So, Alberta’s “hurting”? And just how is misogyny (and fascist copycatting) toward a popular, progressive premier supposed to ease the pain? Especially since your Conservative party is the actual AUTHOR of all that suffering, with all its decades of shitty, oil-dependent policymaking? (And, seriously: Do you think that showing up to one of Ezra Fucking Levant’s crapaganda rallies is a good look for a leadership candidate? The Doughy Pantload is the Breitbart of the North, you moron. Yes, you SHOULD be mortified.)
5. Nancy Fucking Pelosi. And here, like #1, is another useless idiot who will do everything in her power to ensure…that her party keeps on losing. Moving to the right won’t win you votes; there are left-leaning votes going begging, and those people didn’t vote. Why? Because they saw the Dems as nothing but Repugs Lite. And they weren’t wrong! And as long as Nancy’s around trying to claim the mushy middle ground or pick off loose right-wingers in typical out-of-touch elitist fashion, don’t expect those actual working-class voters to come lining up, either. PS: See why nobody thinks you’re effective? Ha, ha.
6. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Oh dear, someone hasn’t learned history’s lessons. One of these days, Andy-boy, you’re gonna find yourself hanging by your heels from a gas-station roof, just like another of your historic idols. Because that’s what fate has in store for those who don’t have the ‘nads to follow their leader and blow their brains out in a bunker like a good little Nazi coward. Ha, ha, just kidding, satire, Freeze Peach!
7. Anish Fucking Patel. How kind and generous of him to offer to drive people who don’t like Christmas to the airport, especially during this busy holiday travel season! And of course, there’s been no shortage of takers for that kind and generous offer. Happy Holidays, motherfucker. Ha, ha.
8. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. And speaking of early holiday gifts, how about them frozen peaches? Guess they don’t like ‘em in Iowa. Ha, ha. And of course, Widdle Milo has been reduced to whining about “slippery censorship tactics” because nobody wants to subsidize his hate-mongering. Gee, Milo, maybe if you dug into all that money you embezzled from your gullible supporters, or begged some off your Big Daddy Drumpf, you could pay for your own damn security and show some courage of your convictions, eh?
9. Brad Fucking Trost. It’s a day ending in “day”, and Bad Idea Brad has once again opened up with an idiotic opinion. And this time, it’s to support #4 in HIS wankery, and add that he would have chanted “Lock her up”, too. Keep scraping the bottom of that barrel, Brad…one day, you may just find yourself in China.
10. Neal Fucking Hancock. Meanwhile, another of Ezzy the Pantload’s little Con-stooges was calling for hacking and cyber-terrorism and sabotage. Uh, not-Bernard the non-Roughneck? You know all that’s ILLEGAL, right???
11. Nora Fucking Roth. Look, I know this has been a year of shit and hell, but an apocalypse? And on Jeebus’s birthday? How stupid do you think we all are? Unless all the Drumpfites, rapturists and other assorted wingnuts are going to be wiped out and the rest left alone, there will never be a single day of righteousness, much less a thousand years.
12. James Fucking Lyons. The way to “win hearts and minds” in the Middle East is to “kill them into submission”? Gramps, what do you think has been going on for the past several decades? And just look how well that’s worked out for you. How about just leaving them in peace and leaving their oil in the ground? No? Too obvious? Thought so.
13. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Oh dear. Someone is determined to learn absolutely nothing from what’s going on south of our border…except, of course, how to emulate the worst bits. Yeah, that fascism is gonna bite her on the ass. And I hope it does so sooner rather than later.
14. Brian Fucking Mulroney. And speaking of learning absolutely nothing from the BS going on to the south of us, how about HIM? Yeah, Lyin’ Brian decided to pull a Drumpf and glorify himself while making it look like he was doing others a charitable favor. There’s a reason we don’t care for personality cults here in Canada, and this is why: IT’S FUCKING NAUSEATING.
15. Emily Fucking Youcis. Because you’re never too young to be a loud ’n’ proud Nazi princess, you’re also never too young to be wanklisted for it here. Good luck finding a new job, sweetie. Your reputation as an asshole is preceding you all the way.
16. Carol Fucking Fraley. Meanwhile, on the other end of the age scale, here’s proof that the passage of time doesn’t make everyone wiser. She claims she voted for Drumpf because Obama disappointed her by not getting rid of racism and poverty…so, presumably in protest, she voted for the biggest racist and poverty-pimp to run for office since George Lincoln Rockwell? Yeah, that’ll fix everything — and that’ll show all the hopey-changey people who’s boss!
17. Michael Fucking Flynn. If you thought his dad was bat-guano, wait’ll you see Junior. Yup, he’s a true believer in the whole bullshit that is PizzaGate…and he’s not backing down even though there’s all kinds of evidence to prove him wrong, starting with the fact that the picked-on pizza parlor doesn’t even have a basement, much less a dungeon full of child sex slaves down in it. Meanwhile, all the PizzaGits are blithely ignoring the very real child-sex-abuse scandal involving their own golden boy, Donnie, who actually threatened a 13-year-old victim with being “disappeared” like another one, who was only 12.
18. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Oh boy, a tweet that will live in infamy! Pro tip: If you want to know how NOT to commemorate the bombing of Pearl Harbor, just look at Newty and learn, kiddies.
9. Rick Fucking Santorum. It’s been a while since he was last listed here, but isn’t it nice to know that Icky Ricky Buttsploodge hasn’t lost his knack for alienating and disgustipating just about everyone — even fellow Republicans?
20. Kelly Fucking Osbourne. And speaking of alienating and disgustipating: No, LGBT people do NOT have to give Der Drumpf a chance. A chance to do what — ruin their lives completely, and everyone else’s too? Because, need I remind you, his VP pick alone is a guy who thinks that you can have Teh Ghey electroshocked out of you, and what’s more, that you should.
21. Alex Fucking Jones. Uh, stupid? You ARE aware, I hope, that what you’re doing there is slander? Because you have absolutely NO proof that Hillary Clinton has personally murdered, raped or cut up a single child, much less “children”, plural. And if you can’t prove that she did it, you really shouldn’t be saying that she did. Because it’s bullshit. And bullshit is not defensible in a court of law, and at the rate you’re going, you’re gonna get your hysterical ass sued right out from under you.
22. Kevin Fucking Campbell. What diploma mill graduated THIS so-called “doctor”? Because Drumpf isn’t going to make anyone but the worst and richest bastards “feel good”. Everyone else will be sick as dogs before long, unless he’s impeached and Mike Pence is arrested. Suicide is going to go UP, not down. And if you think opioid addiction is a problem now, it’s only going to get worse…unless, of course, the previously stated conditions are met.
23. Jim Fucking Buchy. Yes, this one’s a couple of years old. But I think his wank bears repeating because Ohio just got that “heartbeat” anti-choice bill that he and his fellow head-up-ass types have been lobbying for, for years. Here’s a fat clue-by-four for you, fellas: If you don’t have a uterus yourselves, you don’t get to make decisions that invade the uteri of others. See how that works?
24. Mike Fucking Cernovich. What do you get when you cross The Secret with a PUA manual, grind it all up, and then mix it with a toxic stew of racism? You get crap everywhere, especially inside your own unkempt head. In short, you get JuiceBro’s “Gorilla Mindset”, which all real gorillas would only shake their shaggy heads at.
26. Geert Fucking Wilders. Well, blondie, how do you like your Freeze Peach now? Aren’t you a fine one to whine about “haters”. Project much? And how’s it feel to get your big, twisted mouth slapped shut by a judge? Ha, ha.
27. Andy Fucking Puzder. And meanwhile, back in Drumpfolandia, Drumpfy’s new labor secretary likes him some women eating burgers in bikinis. Never mind that the women in the ads probably got those “bikini bodies” by throwing up every bite they take in. Or that women who work other jobs are being paid shit for doing things way more important to keeping the country running. As long as the Carl’s Jr. Burger models look like something you’d find draped around a brass pole in a seedy bar, all’s good, right?
28. Daniel Fucking Conversano. Punched out on national TV (in France!) for being a whiny white nationalist asshole? Sic semper imbecilis, inbred mofo. And now you know how popular your viewpoints REALLY are.
29. Mark Fucking Roberts. “I’m rubber, you’re glue, blah blah, bloo bloo.” Is that conduct becoming an officer? Guess the Bradenton Police Department didn’t think so. Ha, ha.
30. Sean Fucking Duffy. Madison, Wisconsin, is a communist city? Since when? And how? Oh, I see…you’re a Repug. And you can’t stand to see democracy working. And you’re also an idiot. But I repeat myself. And I repeat myself. Ha, ha.
And finally, to Nigel Fucking Farage. Hey UKIP voters and Brexit supporters, don’t you feel stupid now, knowing that your Dear Leader considers you “low-grade” and his fat salary as a come-down compared to what his rich bankster friends are making? He’s whining about all the luxuries he isn’t enjoying, thanks to having to lead a stupid fucking movement. Yeah, that’s right, you idiots got played. You really have nothing to feel smug about; you’re as racist and stupid as your Amurrican cousins who voted for Drumpf. After all, you voted for the equivalent on your side of the pond. PS: Ha, ha, looks good on ya, Nige.
Good night, and get fucked!