Wankers of the Week: The Year That Couldn’t End Soon Enough

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy New Year to one and all. Looks like 2017 is, indeed, going to be at least as crappy as 2016 has been. Let’s hope it’s not as full of death, at least not for people we actually like. But if we’re gonna talk people we dislike and wouldn’t miss, well…let’s just say all of these are on MY list, in no particular order:

1. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Uh, Newty? You may want to NOT use the blow-up doll metaphor when speaking of Der Drumpf. We really don’t need that image in our heads, much less with regard to his trophy wives.

2. Lana Fucking Sprayberry. Pro tip to all the white trash out there: Never tell innocent black people how to comport themselves before police. They already KNOW there’s no “right” way to avoid getting arrested, handcuffed, beaten or even killed. Even if YOU don’t.

3. Nigel Fucking Farage. Why?

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Never mind that Christian bollocks, here’s the Drecks Pistol. And even the atheists are like “fuck this noise”. PS: OMG, is it true that he’s trying for German citizenship, of all places, after all his railing against the EU? It would appear so. And THAT would make him one helluva hypocrite. Brexit really is the grift that keeps in giving, innit?

4. Carl Fucking Paladino. When your own son thinks you’re shit, you’re SHIT. Especially when he comes out and says so on Christmas Eve. PS: And BOOM. Buhbye!

5. Wilbur Fucking Ross. Well, now we know why Der Drumpf was so bullish about Brexit — his commerce secretary-to-be thinks it’s a golden opportunity to steal business away from the UK! What a blow this must be for all those poor idiots who voted for him on the grounds of xenophobia and racism. Or, as they would call them, “principles”.

6. Sean Fucking Spicer. Bad enough that Reince Fucking Priebus decided to announce the “birth of a new king” in concert with Drumpf’s soon-to-be accession to the US throne; now the RNC spokesdroid is referring to journalism as an “attack on Christ”. And he also had the nerve to accuse Buzzfeed of “politicizing Christ” when it’s what Repugs have been doing all along, especially with their messianic marketing this election year. Yeah, that’ll really convince people that you were talking about Jeebus, and not Drumpf, who is notoriously thin-skinned when it comes to journalists.

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7. Hussam Fucking Ayloush. He’s sad that there weren’t MORE “military personnel” aboard the TU-154 that crashed in Russia? Considering that most of the “military personnel” in question were a famous and much-loved choir, and the civilians aboard included a famous and much-loved humanitarian doctor, that’s just unconscionable. And sickening.

8. Tucker Fucking Carlson. So, how’s it feel to get your dick punched in by a girl who writes for Teen Vogue, Bowtie Boy? Ha, ha.

9. Chris Fucking Corley. Hey. Remember him? Last year, about this time, he was waxing all holy and self-righteous on his Xmas cards about the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina statehouse, and earning a place on this list for doing so. This year, he’s been arrested for beating his wife, who caught him cheating. And he only paused a moment when he heard his own kids holler stop. Bless his heart!

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10. Boris Fucking Epshteyn. An “overwhelming” number of women actually support pussy-grabbing misogyny? Will wonders never cease! And here I thought the actual case was that they voted against all that, and it was only the white male vote that carried Drumpf. Goes to show I can’t trust popular votes OR my lying lady eyes.

11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. I don’t recall anyone asking Fuckabee what he thought should be done about the UN. And I’m pretty confident that his “advice” won’t be taken. Go fuck yourself, Hucky Fudd…all the way back to obscurity in Arkansas.

12. Michael Fucking Weiner. Never mind that child enslavement, let alone of white children, was NEVER on the agenda for anyone in the Obama administration. The Savage Whiner thinks it was, and he will not be persuaded otherwise. After all, this IS the post-truth era! And he’s entitled to his own opinion, as fact-free and idiotic as it is!

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13. Dov Fucking Katz. Pro tip for all would-be johns: When offered the sexual services of a 15-year-old girl, with or without condoms, ACCEPT. And most definitely DO show up with hundreds of dollars in hand at an agreed-on location, so that the cops can arrest your perverted ass in a most unceremonious fashion.

14. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Not content to merely sell bogus muscle-boosting juice anymore, Juicebro is now undergoing an extreme fascist makeover. Only, as is somewhat predictable with such things, his Little Hitlerization isn’t going so well. Instead of taking over the world, he’s finding that all the other wannabe Little Hitlers are hellbent on doing dictatorship THEIR way. Or ways, rather. Which kind of bodes ill for the “alt-right” Nazi movement, but not so badly for life in general…or lulz in particular.

15. Tim Fucking Treadstone. And here’s the other half of the DeploraBRAWL with #14, who was shocked — SHOCKED! — to find actual Nazis in his totally-not-a-Nazi Nazi party! We see you, “Baked Alaska”. And we strongly suggest you name yourself for a different dessert, too. Preferably one made of sewage, to match your ideology.

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16. Scott Fucking Walker. There are an awful lot of things Simple Scotty doesn’t understand, and global warming is just one of them…but this week, that’s what lands him on this list. Because trying to scrub it from official Wisconsin government web pages won’t stop it from happening…or counteract the need to do something about it besides incinerate facts in the Memory Hole.

17. Alex Fucking Jones. No, Carrie Fisher (and now, her mother Debbie Reynolds, too) was NOT killed by “starkillers”. She died of heart disease, which can affect virtually anyone…famous folks and common peons alike. At long last, shut up, you fucking moron!

18. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Why?

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That’s why. Talent: it gets you further in life than being a professional piece of shit. And trust me, no one’s gonna miss this turd when she’s flushed down the toilet of Eternity.

19. Howard Fucking Caplan. Oh joy, oh bliss, another Pizzagate nimnul. Guess he doesn’t yet know that #17 has been quietly scrubbing that incendiary bullshit off his site, realizing (however belatedly) that it made him look bad.

20. Jim Fucking Bakker. Drumpf is for bible reading in schools and says “Merry Christmas” instead of Happy Holidays? Wow. That has got to be the LOWEST bar for holiness and righteous purity ever. But what do we expect from a guy who raped his own church secretary and bilked his viewers so he could buy his dog a climate-controlled kennel that’s fancier than most humans’ master bedrooms?

21. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. A quarter-million book deal for a professional troll? Bad move, Simon & Schuster, to reward him for blatant racism and misogyny. And a bad bargain, too, as it’s going to end up in the remainder bin before the new year is out. After all, Drumpfites and GamerGits are all functionally illiterate. They’re not going to buy some gay guy’s book, much less READ it.

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22. Bristol Fucking Palin. Remember her? She was on Dancing With the Stars, despite not being a star at all, in any sense. And now she’s pissy that no one wants to perform for Der Drumpf’s inauguration…well, no REAL stars, anyhow. Hey, Bristol, what’s stopping you…other than your complete lack of talent for being anything but an utter fucking asshole?

23. Paula Fucking White. Some say that the Prosperity Gospel is heresy. I say it’s just par for the Drumpfite course. If you’re gonna make a mockery of the inauguration for this monster, why not go all the fuck IN?

24. Bob Fucking Vander Plaats. God “intervened” to elect Drumpf? So, God is an Internet-trolling plutocrat with a sick sense of humor, zero competence, and an absolute loathing for women? Got it.

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25. Kurt Fucking Schlichter. Trivializing the Holocaust just to make your boy look better? That’s a paddlin’.

26. Sarah Fucking Palin. Don’t talk about “national sovereignty” when it’s clear that you have zero understanding of the concept, Quitbull. And fergawdsakes stop waving those pom-poms for Drumpf; he’s not going to give you any jobs, so don’t make an even bigger fool of yourself than you already are.

27. Jennifer Fucking Boyle. What, YOU again, lady? Can’t you talk to any non-white person without making a fucking scene? Oh, I see…you can’t. No wonder you voted for Drumpf. Hey, maybe if you scream loudly enough, he’ll hire you as his press secretary, or some such.

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28. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Well, look who joined the meninist bowel movement. Yup, it’s that jackwagon from the Daily Stormer, and he, too, is having feeeeeemale trouble! As in, no girls want to fuck his pimply Nazi ass, and he’s gonna cwy. Bawwwww, diddums.

29. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. All that bluster at the UN won’t do him any good…Bibi is under criminal investigation for bribery and fraud. You’re next, Drumpf!

30. Todd Fucking Starnes. A lone member of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir resigns rather than sing for Drumpf, because her conscience will not let her? And you think that’s “repulsive”? Dude, you should look at your own face in the fucking mirror, already. Oh wait, I forgot…you vampires don’t have reflections, do you? And don’t worry…if you think Drumpf won’t duplicate and even exceed Hitler’s feats, just give it time. Four years from now, you’ll be begging for deliverance from him. Assuming you haven’t been reduced to radioactive obsidian in the meantime.

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And finallly, to the so-called mainstream fucking media of the United States of Amnesia. Especially the Chicken Noodle Network. Holy crap bubbles, you people think Drumpf is the national embarrassment? Well, he is, but he’s in a lot of company…and that company is YOU. While it’s easy enough to laugh at him for sucking up to Pooty-Poot (and I sure as hell am laughing), you have to admit that he’s right about one thing: That wily Russki is a smart man. Smarter than Drumpf, for sure. And smarter than all of you combined with Drumpf, too. And he’s eating your lunch and snurking while you’re busy pointing fingers in all the wrong directions and leading the unexamined life. You’re still so sure you have a functioning democracy while the evidence is staring you all in the face that you don’t. You of the press aren’t watchdogs; you’ve been lapdogs ever since Operation Mockingbird began (and never ended). He didn’t need hackers to make the US look stupid, in short; all he had to do is sit back and let you all chase your tails and bark at phantoms. At long last, have you idiots no shame? Or the spine to defy your corporate and CIA masters and just fucking report, instead of spinning endless crapaganda? Because it’s your epic failures that have enabled Drumpf to flourish and get away with everything he has.

Good night, and get fucked straight into next year!

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