Wankers of the Week: Alt-Facts for the Alt-Right, Post-Truth Era!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a really crappy Holocaust Remembrance Day to all my friends. Damn, it’s becoming especially meaningful this year, isn’t it? Yeah. And that’s really saying something, considering what a post-meaning world we’re now suddenly living in. Lies are now “alternative facts”, as pushed by the “alt-right” (same old Nazi shit, wussy new Internet gloss). And here are this week’s lying liars — oh sorry, ALTERNATIVE FACTS PURVEYORS — in no particular order:

1. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Let’s just get this one out of the way, right away: “Alternative facts” are no facts at all. They are LIES. And they’re good for nothing except all kinds of jokes and memes this week…and rightly so. PS: What’s this? A ballroom brawl? How classy! PPS: And just for good measure, ha ha. PPPS: Oh yeah, and #CrookedKellyanne needs to become a meme NOW. Because guess who ALSO used a private server, against the law?

2. Sean Fucking Spicer. It really takes some kind of chutzpah to lie through one’s teeth as easily as Mr. Dippin’ Dots does. Or, as Dubya (remember him?) used to say, “catapult the propaganda”! PS: Unemployment is “just a feeling”? Let’s see how YOU feel when you’re no longer working as a professional manure spreader for DrumpfCo. PPS: Sign, sign, sign!

3. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. And speaking of chutzpah, how about Milo Yeah-Nope, lying through his teeth (while wearing a ‘60s toilet-seat cover around his neck!) about the Bernie Sanders supporter who was shot by one of Drumpf’s own thugs outside his venue? If there were ever a reason to choke off Milo’s bullshitting career (and revoke his book deal), surely an innocent guy fighting for his life after being shot by a fascist is it, no?

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4. Vicki Fucking Yohe. Oh look, White Racist Jesus is on his way back to the White House…to consort with an adulterer, a liar, a thief and an abuser of wives and children! Meanwhile, this self-righteous nobody is casting stones at those who know that the man has no legitimate claim to Jesus at all, much less the White House.

5. Dathan Fucking Paterno. “Vagina screechers”? Assuming that the women who marched against Drumpf didn’t vote? A chronic adversarial relationship with the facts? Gee. I can’t imagine why this one was forced to quit his school board post in disgrace, he seems like such a Nice Guy™! And just think, this one’s a psychologist, too. Maybe he needs a little anger management counselling?

6. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Oh look, a Nazified variation on the old “No Means Yes, Yes Means Anal” shit. Loverly.

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7. Tony Fucking Tinderholt. Yes, HIM again. Jared Loughner’s Evil Twin! And this time, he has some ideas about what to do with Texan women who have abortions (yes, even rape and incest victims): Jail them! And take away their voting rights! That’ll larn the irresponsible bitches! Yeah, tell me it’s all about the babies, T-bone. Smells like slut-shaming to me. At this rate, you can expect nothing except an awful lot of coat-hanger deaths. Which one would hope would teach him something about personal responsibility in lawmaking, but he’s not smart enough to grasp that.

8. Mike Fucking Pence. Hey Mikey, if “over half” of the women’s march were Drumpf supporters, as you insist, WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY BE MARCHING AGAINST HIM? Is rank stupidity now a requirement for the job of the man who is just one death certificate away from the presidency? FYI, the estimated total of marchers (who were not only women, but men and children as well) is remarkably similar to the number of votes by which Hillary Clinton actually beat him in the popular vote! PS: How about a HELL NO, Mikey?

9. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Dear White Supremacist Cheerleader: Your routine use of the word “snowflake” is awfully ironic. That word, it does not mean what you think it means. Also, you’re a fucking piece of shit. You know what shit does when exposed to the air and the light and the weather, don’t you? It smells. It dries out. It CRUMBLES. And when enough snowflakes hit it, it washes away. And so will you, before you know it. Love, A Canadian Blizzard.

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10. Lamar Fucking Smith. Get “unvarnished truth” from Der Drumpf himself? No thanks. That’s too much like buying raw sewage straight from the pig farm.

11. Bruce Fucking Jones. With Facebook “friends” like this useless oaf, who needs enemies? Certainly not the woman to whom he mansplained the March on Washington. And whom he gaslighted and called mentally ill because she couldn’t “recognize” that “equality is all around” her when in fact it’s NOT. Remember that in ’19, West Chester, Ohio folks (especially female folks), because this oaf is up for re-election then. And surely you do NOT want to see anything of him but his back, right?

12. Ken Fucking Kiriakos Fucking Panagopoulos. Why the double Fucking?

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That’s why. Gee, Kenny, your Olive seems unhappy. Maybe she needs you to get a Fleshlight! Oh wait, I don’t think they make them in mosquito-dick size. No wonder you’re so testy!

13. Joel Fucking LaPierre. If you’re going to start talking about shipping people back to where you think they came from — go back to France, tas de merde!

14. Piers Fucking Morgan. How’s it feel to be smacked for your sexism by none less than Ewan McGregor, you snaggle-toothed lump of stale bean curd? He may be “just an actor”, but he’s a better man than you, who are paid to spout shite without even a script as pretext.

15. Chuck Fucking Schumer. Let’s play the Name Game! Ready? I’ll start: Chuck Chuck bo buck, banana fanna fo fuck, what rhymes with “useless schmuck”? CHU-UCK!

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16. Steve Fucking Bannon. Finally! We have found evidence of illegal voting…and guess who’s guilty? Yup, Drumpf’s own neo-Nazi, woman-abusing, drunk-off-his-ass advisor! He’s registered in two states. Probably helped with the rigging in several others too. Betcha.

17. Gregg Fucking Phillips. Meanwhile, the author of Alex Fucking Jones’s favorite cockamamie conspiracy theory claims he has the names of the three — or is it FIVE? — million illegal voters. Funny how that number keeps growing, but actual proof of it doesn’t exist. Well? Ante the fuck up, you cowardly shitstain. Why didn’t you do that BEFORE the election? Oh yeah: YOU HAVE NOTHING. And you’re going to go to jail for false accusations and electoral fraud, too, eventually. PS: Ha, ha. Don’t even bother trying to fabricate your evidence!

18. Donna Fucking Hinderer. Talk about an apt surname, eh? This twatwaffle tried to arrange a bus breakdown so a few dozen women couldn’t get to the march in Washington. But she was also dumb enough to publicize her intent on her Facebook page, leading riders to realize that she was not safe to ride with. You had one job, lady: TO DRIVE THE FUCKING BUS. If you can’t do it because you’re a political idiot, just say so and let someone else take the wheel.

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19. Bill Fucking Kintner. He used state computers to have “cybersex” (read: wanking online), and insinuated that women’s rights marchers are too ugly to rape by retweeting Larry Fucking Elder. He also thinks no one understands women, least of all themselves. Is anyone surprised to know he’s a Drumpfite? I’m frankly surprised that the fucker quit his post. It’s probably the only smart thing he’s ever done in his 56 years of life.

20. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Being a nanny is a real job. Raising your three brats is real work. PAY YOUR FUCKING TAXES, ASSHOLE.

21. Dean Fucking Lapierre. What are women protesting anyway, asks this gross slob? YOU, shithead. We’re protesting YOU. You’re just like Drumpf in every way except one: You don’t have his money, and you’re not an illegitimate POTUS. You’re some minor-league meathead who thinks he can tell others what to do, but shouldn’t be held accountable because of what a great guy he thinks he is. No, asshole…you SUCK. Now STFU and resign. And stuff your “if I offended anyone” nopologies right back up your unattractive ass.

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22. Mark Fucking Rutte. Look who’s trying to out-Wilders Wilders. Is somebody scared that the bleach-haired Nazi is gonna take his job if he doesn’t act all Nazified, too? How embarrassing for Holland.

23. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Yes, she’s still around. Yes, she’s still babbling inanities. No, I don’t know how to make it stop. Has anyone tried rolled-up sweatsocks and duct tape yet?

24. Steve Fucking Bannon. The media should keep their mouths shut? Uh, that’s not their job. Their job is to see things and say things. And this is awfully rich coming from the former CEO of a crapaganda fake-news outlet. But you go right ahead and keep your own big yap flappin’, Ginblossoms McFathead. The sooner you’re humiliated and hounded out of office, the better. Even better if you’re dragged out in handcuffs. PS: Ha, ha. How’s it feel to be slapped by Jake Tapper?

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25. Joyce Fucking Krawiec. Women’s brains are “like lard”? Uh, no. Just yours, dear. And since you’re apparently short on brain matter yourself, some thoughtful constituents have sent you some. Ha, ha.

26. Daniel Fucking Dropik. Once more, with feeling: THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING THING AS “ANTI-WHITE RACISM”. RACISM WORKS ONE WAY ONLY, AND THAT’S IN FAVOR OF WHITES. Also, shouldn’t “alt-right” student groups be illegal, seeing as the term means FASCIST? In any free democratic country, they ought to be. Especially since this would-be founder of one is a two-time racially-motivated arsonist.

27. Jon Fucking Jafari. No, gamer neckbeard boy, “sexist” does not mean what you think it means. You do not get to define words by your own whims. And there’s more than one kind of sexist oppression in this world. Interestingly, women in hijabs do get oppressed for being female — over here. They also get oppressed for being Muslims. But don’t take my word for it; ask Linda Sarsour. Oh wait — for that, you’d have to come out of your game room first!

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28. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. It’s a day ending in “day”, and the worst Dragon in the Den has decided to wank again. And this time, he got it all over his co-star, Arlene Dickinson…who always struck me as the most rational of all the Dragons. Which makes his calling her “emotional” all the more ironic, no? Especially given his habit of getting cockamamie notions and flying off the handle. He’s especially volatile where women are concerned. Maybe someone should slip him a Portuguese Midol.

29. James Fucking Wiedmann. Awww, look who else is emotional and needs a chill pill! A guy whom no woman wants, and whose semen is going staler by the hour, waxing all bitter about the women’s march, and projecting it (as usual) on the women marching against the likes of him. Wanna cookie, snookie?

30. Brian Fucking Pallister. Sure is easy to be a racist prick when you’re hiding out for the winter in Costa Rica. Alas, your stupidity follows you everywhere, and so does the outrage. And just think, you’re supposed to be the premier of Manitoba. Why aren’t you doing your job?

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And finally, to all the deplorables who just NOW got buyers’ remorse. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you not even listen critically to your candidates before you pick one? Or are you all just so blinded with petty vengefulness, racism, sexism, LGBTphobia, and whatever other shit you call “political incorrectness”, that you’ll literally swallow any gross shit that comes out of Der Drumpfler’s schlong, only to be surprised when it all comes up immediately afterwards as vomit? Well, you wanted a change and you voted for a deranged man, so, like you’re so fond of saying to your opponents — suck it up, buttercup! He’s actually letting a neo-Nazi drunkard draft his executive orders and tell the media to shut up, for fucksakes. About the only things he’s not delivering are the actual improvements. But boy oh boy, is he gonna stick YOU with the bill…and you’ll deserve it. But your neighbors who voted against him won’t be thanking you for that, because they’re stuck with it too.

And oh yeah, a special dishonorable mention to all the hypocritical fake Christians who are insisting now that the whole world unite behind him and stop the hating. When he was so fucking divisive and hateful the whole fucking time, and you lapped it all up? Fuck out of here with that shit. Nobody’s listening to your imbecilic sermons anymore. Go hang your head in shame. And pray that you won’t be judged the way you’re insisting on judging others right now.

In short: FUCK YOUR FEELINGS, DEPLORABLES.

Good night, and get fucked!

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