Wankers of the Week: Goin’ off the rails


Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about them Blue Jays…no, wait, it’s not baseball season yet. You know it’s a bad time for politics when even a sports agnostic like me has to go fishing around for THAT topic of conversation, eh? Yeah. Look, what I’m trying to say here is that the Trump Train™ has derailed, with no sign of getting back on track ever (not that it ever was to begin with). And Ozzy Osbourne, who was planning to bite the head off another live bat, just said “fuck it” and set the little bugger free. That’s how crazy the train is. And here’s who made it so this week, in no particular order:

1. Tom Fucking McClintock. Oh, look who’s a snowflake. A tea-bag congresscritter who can’t bear to be protested by his own constituents! Well, suck it up, critter…there’s plenty more to come, and midterm elections are still just under two years away!

2. Stephen Fucking Miller. No, no, little spox. Der Drumpf is NOT the Supreme Leader. And the judicial branch still matters, because it’s still a branch of government…and its job is to check and balance the office of the president, among others. PS: Snurk. That is all.

3. Fred Fucking Maroun. Hey idiot, being anti-Zionist is not “xenophobia”, and neither is the joking reference to Nazi-punching that’s making the rounds right now. Words mean things, and you are clearly ignorant of what they mean, because they do not mean what YOU think they mean.


4. Franklin Fucking Graham. If you ever wonder why I’m not of that stripe of so-called “radical feminists” who are really neither particularly radical NOR particularly feminist because they insist on shutting out an entire group of women from even being considered as women, just consider who they’re in league with. They’re in league with THIS GUY. If you ever want to know how close to the wrong side of history you are, just ask yourself if the Religious Reich agrees with you on a given point of your ideology. Simple, no?

5. Jay Fucking Linn. And while we’re on the subject of dudes whom actual radical feminists wouldn’t want to be in league with, how about him? Nothing like good ol’-fashioned bigotry and ignorance on a business sign to drive home the notion that some people are “evil” and “sick” for not conforming to the sex binary, eh? Oh, and nice nopology too. Know what that makes you, bub? An ASSHOLE. Something you’ll also see, maybe, if you just “pull down your pants and look”.

6. Ronald Fucking Coyne. Mama claims she didn’t raise him to burn money in front of homeless people, but it would appear that she did raise him, and he did burn a 20-pound note. Even babies raised by wolves don’t do that, lady.


7. Scott Fucking Baio. No, Chachi, “Never Again” is not a reference to shopping at Nordstrom. Would you like to try again?

8. Joy Fucking Villa. I’m sorry, WHO? Oh, just some Scientologist wearing the ugliest dress of the year. Figures that someone from a far-right cult would do that, eh?

9. Mark Fucking Coleridge. For the thousand millionth time…NO, ABORTION IS NOT LIKE NAZI GERMANY. Abortion was ILLEGAL in Nazi Germany, and forced breeding was the order of the day. Just as it is under Roman Catholicism. Which just so happens to have been Hitler’s own religion.


10. Christy Fucking Clark. Oh, dear me. Is someone having trouble admitting that she was wr-r-r…oh shit, that she LIED? Yup. C’mon, lady, open your mouth wider…after all, that’s how you got your foot in there in the first place!

11. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Not only is he NOT an expert on Islamist terrorism, he’s also NOT a Hungarian knight/hero/whatever that silly trinket he keeps wearing is supposed to mean. By the way, said silly trinket was also inordinately popular with Hungarian Nazi sympathizers. Which is, in fact, all it REALLY means. PS: And look who’s accusing his critics of antisemitism. Yeah, that’ll fly, coming from a Nazi-symp medal-wearer.

12. Richard Fucking DeAgazio. Is there any clearer indication of how you’d have to have way more money than brains to join Drumpf’s tacky-ass country club than this guy, who insisted on snapping a selfie with Gin Blossoms Bannon — AND the guy who totes the nuclear “football”, in clear violation of the laws governing national security? If you ever wondered what $200,000 US and a barely room-temperature IQ will buy you, wonder no longer.


13. Chadwick Fucking Moore. Bull-fucking-SHIT you turned con after the (thoroughly deserved) backlash to your fluffy BJ piece on Milo Fucking Yeah-Nope. You and he are both just trying to win the approval of your respective abusive right-wing fathers. And you’re no doubt also trying to rationalize your respective racisms and sexisms, too. Forget it; that’ll never happen. Right-wing daddies hate gay boys, period. And racism and sexism are not rational and can never be rationalized, either.

14. David Fucking Duke. When you get pwned by one of those “dumb actors” you’re out to slam, it’s time to close your Twitter account and go hide under your hooded sheets. Or a rock. Actually, a rock would be preferable. I mean, isn’t that what you crawled out from under in the first place?

15. Felix Fucking Kjellberg. Finally, FINALLY someone gets the concept that antisemitism on YouTube shouldn’t pay. Too bad it’s not THIS guy, who still also doesn’t understand that even if you fuck a goat “ironically”, you’re still quite ironically-unironically a goat-fucker.


16. Ella Fucking Rose. Oh, your critics can “go die in a hole”? Well, aren’t you just a peach…PIT. And of course, you’re a hasbaratchik. Figures!

17. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, Patwa, you know what’s revolting — to God and humanity both? YOU. You, running interference for a greedy, slothful, violent, adulterous walking sack of human waste, and daring to condemn his critics. Who died and gave you the right to judge? NO ONE.

18. Tom Fucking Brady. It’s a “privilege” to visit a greedy, slothful, violent, adulterous walking sack of human excrement just because that sack of shit happens to be squatting in Mar-a-Lago — oh sorry, the White House? The ultimate in white privilege is to take an inherently political act and claim it was never political, even as your black teammates are boycotting the racist squatter. Fuck your privilege, fuck your politics, and fuck YOU.


19. Rick Fucking Wiles. No, Prick, you know who forced Michael Fucking Flynn out of his job? MICHAEL FUCKING FLYNN. By being an unstable, corruptible whackjob who isn’t to be trusted in public office, duh. No pizza-parlor pedophile network needed. Motherfucker tripped himself up, motherfucker fell down and went boom. That is all.

20. Mike Fucking Cernovich. No, Juicebro, you can’t manipulate reality with your ridiculous mind. Or your silly crayon scribblings. How about you try manipulating your mind to accept reality for a change?

21. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. Being inaccessible to your own constitutents is “democracy”, while their demanding access (which you as a public servant are obliged to provide) is “thuggery”? Someone please hand this dinosaur a dictionary. And his marching papers too, while you’re at it.


22. Steve Fucking Bannon. Yes, Drumpf’s Nazi-in-Chief made the cut this week, by insulting reporters and calling them “the opposition party“. I guess that means that his days with Breitbart — Bitefart, rather — can now definitively be called FAKE NEWS. Because who but a fake-newser calls real newsers the opposition?

23. Kellie Fucking Leitch. I have no idea what “severely normal people” are, but if they’re anything like the actual fucking Nazis who actually fucking Nazi-saluted this whackjob, I’m more than proud to be severely “abnormal”, by her dim lights.

24. James Fucking Wiedmann. No, “Heartiste” who is not an artiste and has no discernible heart, that’s not how Valentine’s Day works now, nor how it ever has (or ever will). I would urge you to try again, but I’m sure you’d only come up with yet another treatise that is equally cockamamie, so I’m just gonna counsel you to hang up your scrotum for good, and face the sad fact that nobody fucking wants you, and it’s no fucking wonder why.

25. Erin O’Fucking Toole. Why?


That’s why. A little late for Flag Day, and way too early for Canada Day. What IS February 20, anyway? Not a Canadian holiday, for sure. O’Erin, you’re such a Toole.

26. James Fucking Charles. Uh, Cover Girl? Seems to me your Cover Boy is not ready for the big time. He’s still tweeting like a dipshit high-schooler with a lot of prejudices and not much life experience. Is this who you really want to be the face of your brand?

27. Alex Fucking Jones. “Top 3 presidents of all time”? Uh, no. Aside from the extreme prematurity of that, I’d say Worst President Ever is more like it.


28. Mike Fucking Flynn. When you get shade thrown at you by a grandma in a pantsuit, that’s bad. When that grandma is none other than Hillary Clinton, that’s fucking hilarious. And once you’re done getting over the ignominy of it all, I’d like a large deluxe with extra bacon and hot peppers, please.

29. Steven Fucking Anderson. What? He hasn’t blown an artery yet? No…but give him time, and maybe a college education. As it is, he’s sounding perilously close to the edge!

30. William Fucking Happer. So, 99.99999% of the world’s climate scientists are a Hare Krishna cult? Gee, and all this time we thought they were people who knew how to interpret and analyze data. Which, unlike this glassy-eyed cultist of non-science, they ARE.


31. Justin Fucking Humphrey. Men are people, but women are merely “hosts” to a pregnancy, so they have to seek the real-person’s permission to get an abortion because “they invited that in”? How about a big ol’ OklaHELLNO to that legislative cowflop of yours, Little Big Man?

32. Charles Fucking Schwertner. And while we’re on the subject of Little Big Men attempting to silence women and cow them into giving up control of their own bodies, how about HIM? He even broke a glass table trying to shut up anyone who disagreed with him.

33. Jared Fucking Kushner. And still going with the Little Big Man theme: How about Drumpf’s son-in-law trying to tell CNN how to do their jobs? Yeah, dude, that’s not your job. And I’m pretty sure you know it, too.


34. Betsy DeFucking Vos. Need more proof that she’s not qualified for the job she was appointed to? Here you go. She wants to literally destroy public education. Proof enough for ya?

35. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Yes, she’s still around, even after campaign’s end. After all, Drumpf needed someone to replace Kellyanne Con-Job on all those TV channels that won’t let her on anymore. And she’s just as big a weasel with the “alternative facts”, too, by the looks of things.

36. David Fucking Anderson. Islamophobia is “undefined”, all right…but not in M-103. It’s only in your dense, CONservative head, dude. Everywhere else, it’s clear as daylight.

37. Jacob Fucking Waller. Face it, Drumpfite shitferbrains…you and your cookie-cutter girlfriend are just not cute. I’m glad those “big fat lesbians” walloped your bigoted ass.


38. Ken Fucking Ham. I’m beginning to see where the phrase “go ham” (meaning go nuts) came from. Truly!

39. James Fucking Green. Oh look, another “sorry IF you were offended” nopology. Don’t nopologize for maybe-offending-someone with your Randomly Capitalized Letter of Dumbth — apologize for being a “traditionally” sexist fucking idiot who is way out of step with the times, and learn from your mistake!

40. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. Yes, that’s right, ignore the elephant in the living room. Keep beating that dead horse, and slap lotsa lipstick on that pig! (Sorry for the clichés, but this truly begs them.


And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf himself. Obviously. He’s taken three vacations in as many weeks (and no, a golf resort is NOT the “winter White House”, no matter what that asshole says), costing the public at least $10 million in taxpayer dollars for all the security. And for what? So some asshole could take selfies with the unlucky soul who has to schlep the nuclear briefcase everywhere the fucking POTUS goes. And so that security could be compromised while North Korea was conducting ballistic missile tests and the Japanese prime minister was probably having a mini heart attack at every moment. So that the media could be banished to a basement room with covered windows during what was supposed to be a press junket. Why? Was Drumpf offering the Japanese PM a bribe? A prostitute? WHAT? Whatever, it was creepy as fuck. As was his dancing around the question of all the obvious antisemites he’s obviously emboldened. And that’s not even touching his latest presser, in which he childishly berated everyone and stroked his own widdle cock in full view of the world, while praising the biggest dirty joke of the media world, FUX Snooze. Just so you know, I’ll be holding him criminally responsible if Shep Smith is fired, or blows a gasket from the sheer lunacy of it all, whichever comes first.

Good night, Drumpf, and get fucked!

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