Crappy weekend, everyone! And how about “what happened last night in Sweden”? What do you mean, nothing happened? Oh yeah, that’s right…the Swedes actually said so themselves. Well, dang, at least it was good for some laughs and memes, right? And here’s who else is good for mockery this week, in no particular order…
1. Brian Fucking Mulroney. Yes, good ol’ Lyin’ Brian’s back! And he’s our national embarrassment once more. And once more, he became that way by crooning for a doddering incompetent of a US presidunce. Srsly, Brian? Why couldn’t you just have stayed quietly home in Baie Comeau with Mila, twiddling your thumbs?
2. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, the Pigman is back this week, too…and he made the cut by oinking about how white presidunces are at a disadvantage to their black predecessors, who spent the last eight years being obstructed by a whole lot of plain white dunces of congresscritters. In Limbaugh Land, you see, obstructions are somehow an advantage.
3. Sabrina Fucking Tavernise. Just think, people…the New York Times actually killed trees to let this schlocky crapagandist tell us that “moderate” Drumpf supporters exist, and that having their widdle fee-fees hurt by political opponents made them cwy and scweam and get weally angwy. So angwy, in fact, that they just HAD to trash their country. Fuck this noise, fuck the dreck-writer who wrote it, and FUCK ALL “MODERATE” DRUMPFITES’ FEELINGS, TOO.
4. Claude Fucking Patry. And back to Canada, for a moment. What do you suppose could possess a former NDP member of Parliament for Québec to switch to the right-wing Bloc Québécois? The same shit, no doubt, that would cause that same to go full Nazi and join a “wolf pack” of anti-Muslim extremists (they even call themselves “clans”!) now trying to expand into an actual party. The Québec NDP are all now mopping their brows in relief over the bullet they dodged with this one.
5. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Meanwhile, in another corner of the Nazi-sphere, the Alt-Reich’s own Ernst Röhm is down on videotape openly advocating for child sexual abuse. By priests, no less. Time for him to face the career-ruining music, yes? PS: And BOOM. Bye!
6. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Never mind that the peasants are spending millions in taxpayer dollars just so this princess can hole up in a penthouse and her Dear Hubby can collect the rent the Secret Service has to pay him (since it IS his building, and lord knows he’s making no sacrifices). She’s praying in public (which Jesus said not to do, onaccounta hypocrisy) and staying true to herself, you meanies!
7. Eric Fucking Shaw. Hey, swami, you wanna talk about cowards and self-righteous victimhood? You whining about women is a prime example of both, right there. Are you forgetting who brought you into the world? Or the fact that MEN have been shutting women out of equality and taking all the credit for their work since fucking forever? Of course you are. And now that you’ve been reminded, and you’re losing work as a result (because hey howdy, women do yoga!), you can finally STFU and relish your self-righteous victimhood…all alone.
8. Kayleigh Fucking McEnany. Stop making excuses for your dumbass boss and his dumbass followers who get their dumbassery from dumbass FUX Snooze, dumbass.
9. Matt Fucking Schlapp. Lie down with dogs, get up with fleas. And since at CPAC you chose to boogie with Wanker #5, who has bragged about attending rape parties where underage boys were on the menu, you’ll be getting up with mange, as well.
10. Bill Fucking Maher. And while we’re on the subject of lying down with Wanker #5: Hey Bill, are you itchy yet? Because his awfulness is sure as hell gonna rub off on you. PS: And no, you did NOT expose him. His fellow right-wing nutjobs did. Thank THEM, and stop trying to take credit for what you didn’t do. PPS: Sign, sign, sign!
11. Julian Fucking Assange. Yes, that’s right, he made the cut this week. By not thinking #5’s shit was so bad, either. And by confusing no-platforming with censorship. Wrong! No platform doesn’t mean no speech; it means NO AUDIENCE. And frankly, Milo wore out his welcome the instant he turned troll on Twitter.
12. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because the Coultergest never could resist the urge to wank, especially not where truly gross sexual shit is concerned. And because she’s motherfucking vermin excrement. Why else?
13. Rick Fucking Santorum. Meanwhile, Icky Ricky has emerged from his frothy, brown, sploodgy lair to blame all this recent antisemitism on…no, not the guy who actually whipped it up so he could lose the popular vote and yet still somehow win an election. And not the same guy, who took his sweet time admitting that it was WRONG. No, it’s all Obama’s fault, as usual! Thanks, Obama!
14. Paul Fucking Hewson. No, “Bono”, Mike Fucking Pence did not do great things about AIDS in Indiana. He did nothing about it but cut funding until it got out of hand, and then he finally got shamed into doing the bare minimum to restore funding and order. That’s nothing to praise him for!
15. Phil Fucking Jensen. For the thousand-millionth time: LGBT people are NOT pedophiles. No matter what #5 may have to say about the matter.
16. Lauren Fucking Southern. And back we go to #5 and his dick-suckers again. In this Lesser Northern Coultergeist’s case, they’re so hard up for anything to defend him with that they have to reach for the “it’s a conspiracy!!!1111elebentyhundredeleben!!!” gambit. Problem is, MILO REALLY DID SAY THAT IT’S OKAY FOR GROWN MEN TO FUCK 13-YEAR-OLD KIDS. And he has in fact done so repeatedly, on the record.
18. Mark Fucking Chelgren. Last I looked, ballots are supposed to be secret. And voter affiliation is not something you can hire (or fire) someone on the basis of. Not even in the name of some bogus “balance”. Not even in fuckassbackward Iowa.
19. Stephen Fucking Miller. Yes, he really did throw the “White Power” hand sign on camera. Why is this Nazi punk not yet in jail? Oh yeah, that’s right…because gangland hand-signs are only considered menacing when black people make ‘em. Well, Stevie, I’ve got a hand sign for you AND your boss. And it involves just one finger. Guess which.
20. Tony Fucking Clement. How NOT to function as an opposition critic: Hang up on the media when they come calling. If you can’t defend your stance before the press, either you’re inept, or your stance is indefensible. And if you’re an old HarpoCon, chances are that you are inept AND have an indefensible stance on…well, just about anything.
21. Dan Fucking Dopps. How NOT to help menstruating women: patent a yet-to-be-invented “feminine lip-stick” that glues their labia together until they urinate. Ouch, UGH…and oh yeah, don’t blame LGBT people for the backlash against the product, either. Or anyone else who’s got their shit together enough to realize what a dreadful, misogynous idea it is.
22. Jenna Fucking Jameson. Not that I ever had time for this fucking twatwaffle in the first place, but now I know I was right to never have bothered. She’s a bigot through and through…and worse, she’s proud of it.
23. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Yes, she’s still around. And still babbling Alternative Facts. This time, it’s all about feminism…and her “definition” rings suspiciously like that of Wanker #2, Rush “Pigman” Limbaugh, and every member of the Religious Reich ever. No more TV talk shows for you, Backwards Barbie.
24. Robin Fucking Camp. Yes, Hizzoner Keep-Yer-Knees-Together is still around, too. No, he hasn’t been deported back to South Africa, although he damn well should be. And worst of all, he’s still trying to hang onto his job, AND have taxpayers foot the bill for his ill-advised clinging, too. PS: Ha, ha.
25. Brendan Fucking Maguire. What the fuck is he on about? Hell if I know…but he seems to have taken his debating lessons from the Tangerine Tantrum Tosser who’s currently squatting in the White House.
26. Nigel Fucking Farage. Britain has friends? Where? And they speak English? If it’s the US of Amnesia you’re referring to, Nige, they just BARELY speak it. And with a “friend” like Drumpf (and all his yugely bigly good words), you don’t need any enemies.
27. Steve Fucking Bannon. Oh, you’re gonna make it worse for the media every day, are you? You and what army? Seems to me that the media are winning on this one…and all by simply doing their job: namely, reporting the facts. Not “alternative facts”. Just the facts, Ginblossoms.
28. Wayne La Fucking Pierre. Whoa, Nelly, someone is off his Geritol! Well, let’s give The Peter credit for getting a couple of things right, anyhow: Yes, the left IS angry (and with good reason, too, as it’s not every day that your democracy gets stolen by fascists). And yes, they ARE planning to fight back. And yes, they ARE going to be The Peter’s worst nightmare. Especially since none of them pay dues to the National Gun Lobbyists’ Association.
29. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Oh surprise, her child-care policy only benefits those rich enough to afford nannies! Actual working women of the actual working class? You’re (still) on your own. A fine feminist champion SHE is. All the more reason why her shit should stop selling…at Nordstrom or anywhere.
30. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. You want carte blanche power over Canada? How about a hearty OH HELL NO!? And an even heartier OH FUCK OFF!?
And finally, to all the conservative cowards out there who just can’t take the heat. From Der Drumpf banning the media at press conferences (except for Bitefart-Breitbart and FUX Snooze, which aren’t media but a steaming pile of fascist crapaganda), to all the Repugs running gormlessly away from their constituents and even locking them up in mental institutions (!!!), why don’t you bozos take Gabby Giffords’ advice, and grow a fucking spine already? Unless, of course, you WANT to be primaried and voted out of office in ’18, which can certainly be arranged…as can a boycott, right in the here and now.
Good night, and get fucked!