Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green, Part D’oh


Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to the ongoing terror that is the Massacre That Never Happened. But hey! Who needs facts when you’ve got “alternatives”, right? Better to go through life dumb, scared, and paranoid out of your skull than work with the Universe as it really is. And on that note, here’s who’s taking that creed to heart on every level, in no particular order:

1. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Hey, remember her? Yeah, that’s right…she criticized the Trudizzle for vacationing on the Aga Khan’s island. Well, guess where she was doing it from…a billionaire’s yacht, just off an island. What was that old saying again about glass houses?

2. Jim Fucking Bakker. Oh sure, all those “rotten little girls” who marched against Drumpf were possessed by a demon, all right…and its name is INTELLIGENCE.

3. Michael Fucking Wolff. Fact-checking Drumpf is somehow “making the media the story”? No, it’s making his lies the story. As it should be. So that the common folk can finally get their heads out from under the steady gush of brainwash, it’s absolutely vital. Which reminds me: Why DID you lick Bannon’s gin-blossomed ass, anyway?


4. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Let go of the Bowling Green Massacre? Why? When it’s such an inexhaustible source of comedic fodder, just like your Paddington Bear ensemble? And when you and your Alternative Facts™ are such consistent winners of the Flaming Pants Award? PS: Ha, ha! And a ha, ha, ha. How about NO?

5. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Girl, stop trying to sell shit on the White House website. In fact, stop trying to sell shit anywhere. You’re violating the Emoluments Clause something awful! PS: And nice of you to not show up to meet your Japanese counterpart, either. Do you want this job or not?

6. Nigel Fucking Farage. Does anyone besides me find it hinky that he’s still claiming to be happily married while spending all his time in a “bachelor pad”, with a much younger woman no less, and away from his German wife, who’s quite up-front about their marriage being over in all but the legal sense? No? Well, then, does anyone find it hilarious that he got pelted with eggs while helping his UKIP successor campaign? Because I sure as hell do.


7. Marco Fucking Rubio. Hey! Remember him? Promising to “check and balance” Der Drumpf? Well, guess what. He took a whopping wad of dinero from none other than Drumpf’s new secretary of miseducation, Betsy Fucking Bismarck DeVos — in exchange for confirming the unqualified idiotess. Well, I guess that cheque improved his bank balance considerably, but other than that, it’s making no fucking difference at ALL!

8. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Well, finally, someone admitted it. The whole “fake news!” mantra coming incessantly from the Orange Anus is nothing but a ploy to get the media to come on board and start kissing ass. Someone forgets that that is most certainly NOT their job — and that they won’t be cowed into doing otherwise! PS: And no, you are not an expert at anything, much less an expert witness.

9. Lance Fucking Wallnau. But hey! If it’s ass-kissers #8 wants, this one is more than happy to oblige. No doubt he’s hoping for a rain of money — oh sorry, MANNA — from “heaven”, where the God-Emperor sits on his throne in the Oval Office, tweeting illiterate drivel all day and scribbling his scribbles on whatever executive orders Herr Bannon has drawn up today!


10. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Meanwhile, in Arkansas, the most useless Fuckabee in the world is cracking humorless “jokes” about a brutally murdered trans man. Who, even in death, is a better and truer man than this sorry excuse for one.

11. Bernie Fucking Satrom. Spend Sunday mornings making Dear Hubby breakfast in bed, and then taking the kids out for a walk so he can eat it and have a wank undisturbed? Hey Bern, the Fifties called. Said they want their archaic values to stay right there in the past, thankyouveryfuckingmuch!

12. Vernon Fucking Laning. And while we’re on the subject of archaic values: does your wife appreciate you making unfunny “jokes” at her expense, Vern? And when did you stop beating her, if I may ask?


13. Michael Fucking Flynn. “Putting Iran on notice”? With empty threats? You sound like the scrawny kid in the schoolyard, waving his fists at the girls and threatning to beat them all up, just to impress the school bully. Knock it off, already.

14. Jim Fucking Jordan. The media fails to report acts of terrorism? No, they report them just fine. The problem is that they tend not to call them terrorism if the terrorist in question is white, home-grown, Christian, and possibly even a fascist. Then, they only report him as a “deranged gunman”. But that’s not what you’re talking about, is it? Nope, you were making with the Alternative Facts™ there again, eh sparky? I gotcha.

15. Thomas Fucking Massie. Ever wonder what the appointment of rich, one-woman wrecking ball Betsy Fucking DeVos was really meant to accomplish? This asshat spells it out loud and clear. It’s the destruction of the 37-year-old federal department of education…simple as that. They’ve been angling for this ever since Jimmy Carter instituted it.


16. Sean Fucking Duffy. White terrorists are “different”? Yeah, they’re different, all right. The law and the media both seem to be far more willing to indulge them, coddle them, even pity them as just isolated, “one-off” offenders (even when they clearly aren’t). And Repug congresscritters and their orange thug president, too. Why is that, I wonder? PS: Ha, ha!

17. Rahm Fucking Emanuel. Wanna know why the Dems keep losing, Rahm? Well, your “strategy” is a big part of that. Now is not the time to “take a chill pill”. The fascists are in the henhouse, and they’re already killing the chickens right and left. And the reason it took so long to get this low is because this losing strategy has been in place long enough to let it. Time to chuck it…and YOU.

18. Sean Fucking Spicer. Again with the “unreported” terrorism! And this time, it happened in Atlanta. No, it’s not the Olympic park bombing, or the bombings of the gay nightclubs and women’s clinics by Eric Fucking Rudolph. No, it’s some other figment of white supremacy’s overactive imagination. AGAIN.


19. Joe Fucking Manchin. Why did he vote for the most racist attorney-general candidate ever? Because his daughter is currently being investigated by the Justice Department. And Jeff Fucking Sessions will have the power to stop that. And now you know why his Wikipedia entry reads TRAITOR.

20. John Fucking Cornyn. And while we’re on the subject of Jeff Fucking Sessions — did you ever hear an oilier, oozier beatdown of an upstanding woman in your life? UGH.

21. Lindsey Fucking Graham. And sticking to the same subject, and the shameful way Elizabeth Warren was treated for challenging it…there’s this little shit, who thinks she was “long overdue” for silencing. Because apparently, being a woman and speaking out against racist idiocy is a crime against humanity!


22. Orrin Fucking Hatch. And still we persist on this topic, because there’s just so much wankery attached to it. This time from the “think of his wife” crowd-of-one. His wife is probably just as much of an inbred racist shitweasel as Jeff Fucking Sessions himself. Why would she bear thinking of, while the widow of Martin Luther King does not? And what the fuck does “being a gentleman” have to do with ANYTHING?

23. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Okay, enough of Shithead Sessions. How about Illumnati Jewish Lizard People conspiracies, and a nobody who thinks this is a great way to give Alex Fucking Jones a run for his money…and competition for the tinfoil-hat sector?

24. Suzanne Fucking Venker. No, the “natural state of woman” is NOT to “be the beta in marriage”. Marriage isn’t natural, you fucking idiotess!


25. Donald Fucking Royce. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man…showing #24 and all the world how being the “alpha” in a marriage is realllllly done.

26. Randy Fucking Stoker. No, social media did NOT rape that 14-year-old girl. A pedophile who thought he was entitled to sex with underage girls did. And it doesn’t matter if he has Internet access or not — he’s going to find victims regardless! Fucksakes, Judge, do you need to be hit on the head with your own gavel before you see sense? Oh wait, I see you DO.

27. Briscoe Fucking Cain. Trans women are NOT “dudes walking around in dresses”…and the reason that was “not a problem” when you were younger is because you come from a hick village where everyone is related. Now fuck off back under your rock.


28. Paul Fucking Dirks. Speaking of people who don’t understand trans women and should fuck off back under their rocks, how about this preacher-man from BC? He thinks he can tell women who real women are, and feminists what real feminism is? Dude, stop trying to rebrand your hate as “love”. That shit didn’t go well for the KKK, and it will not work any better for YOU. Face facts: Trans women are using female washrooms, and will continue to do so. The only people who molest women in the toilets, as it turns out, are cis men. Like YOU.

29. Mike Fucking Erwin. And speaking of hate that can’t be rebranded as “love”, how about Hizzoner here, with his Jim Crow manners and his explicit use of the N-word? Just how long HAS it been since Rosa Parks sat in the white-folks’ section of the bus, anyhow?

30. Marine Le Fucking Pen. Anyone buying her “non-European country” excuse? Everyone knows she just wants to ban JEWS.


And finally, to Donald Fucking Drumpf, again. I hear that the whole business of being in office is starting to wear on him. Good, because I don’t want him to get comfortable in there, EVER. I don’t want him to get off scot-free from questions about his loyalties, his integrity, or his business interests. I hope the shitstorm doesn’t stop until he gets carted out of there in restraints, or he rage-quits…whichever makes the “alt”-Reich cry harder in their Coors. Frankly, at this point, I don’t care which, as long as he’s fucking GONE, and SOON.

Good night, and get fucked!

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