Wankers of the Week: The Massacre of Bowling Green

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And hats off to whoever photoshopped that old book cover. It’s little wonder that the original is selling out all over the Internet, because President Gas is President Gas again. And nobody even likes Big Brother. And little wonder. With so many AlternativeFacts™ flying fast and furious, there’s no time even for a cup of Victory Coffee. But there is just enough time to poke one’s head above the cubicle wall and hurl something at the telescreen…and here’s who’s got me hurling this week, in no particular order:

1. Nick Fucking Kouvalis. Oh, look at who went around calling everybody else a “cuck”. It was only a matter of time before Kellie Fucking Leitch’s press flack showed his true, troglodytic, neo-fascist colors, eh? PS: Oh, looky here. Look who’s no longer her press flack! Whose press flack will he be next?

2. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. No, you don’t get to fire reporters. Especially when they actually do their JOBS. And no, their job is not to blow sugar up your lying assor your boss’s, either. PS: What’s this? Martyrdumb? Suck it up, buttercup, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet!

3. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. He’s actually proud of his apartheid wall. And he doesn’t care that anyone broke their Shabbat peace to criticize him for it. So much for Israel being a Jewish state with Jewish values, eh?

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4. Travis Fucking Kalanick. Work with Drumpf? Especially as scabs, when the taxi drivers’ union refused to do so? How about NO? In fact, how about HELL NO? Especially considering that Uber has been lobbying for industry deregulation for years now. Fuck that noise. Taxis forever, Uber never!

5. Stephen Fucking Miller. The Muslim ban was meant to “keep out bigotry” from the US? Doesn’t look like it’s doing that good a job. It’s actually exacerbating that from within…especially among the right-wing extremists of the border patrol. PS: Ha, ha. Looks like stereotypes hold true. This guy was the biggest dweeb in high school. And I’m not surprised! PPS: And what have we here? Correspondence with another known neo-Nazi on this list (#9, to be exact)? Yuppers!

6. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Why?

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That’s why. Parading in crumpled tinfoil while the world burns…and while refugees are struggling to survive. PS: Buhbye! Ha, ha.

7. Sean Fucking Spicer. He’s really on a roll this week, isn’t he? Defending the detention of 5-year-olds, because little kids scaaaary; claiming the majority of US-Americans agree with Drumpf’s Muslim ban, because those big protests aren’t happening; defending Boss Man Drumpf’s non-recognition of the Holocaust, because Jews so pesky; and most hilarious of all, retweeting the Onion and admitting that his job is to misinform you all. PS: And for a prime example of that misinfo-pimping, here you go. You piece of motherfucking shit, Sean. You’re using a white supremacist terrorist to push your boss’s Muslim ban? You can fuck right off. PPS: And fuck right off with this, too.

8. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Y’know, I’m really starting to believe that “Roosh V” ain’t nothin’ but a closet case. Because no one is so zealous about proving how truly-not-a-gay-guy he is…as a truly gay guy. Problem is, no one — gay guys or straight women — wants to sleep with this god-awful basement-dwelling troglodyte. EVER.

9. Richard Fucking Spencer. Why?

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Because Muslims have a right to live here, you fucking piece of shit. And if you want to get sucker-punched again, you just keep talking. The Internet is taking notes.

10. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. No, of course he’s not a rubber-stamper of foreclosure notices…except that he totally IS. For maximum profit, natch.

11. Philip Fucking Pizzo. Pardon me, Father, but aren’t Catholics supposed to be AGAINST suicide? Then why are you counselling people whose politics you dislike to commit it, even as a “joke” (which, by the way, is a lame excuse)? BTW, being politically involved with fascism is also a sin. Not that it stopped a lot of asshole priests in the Spanish Civil War and in Nazi Germany and Fascist Italy, but yeah, it’s a sin.

12. Ezra Fucking Levant. Doesn’t it just so figure that this putz would be trying to drum up cash using the Québec City terror attack? Only — ha, ha — the Internet won’t let him get away with it. Those meddling kids!

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13. Scott Fucking Baio. Would you like some ointment with your giant cup of Starbucks, Chachi? Because from where I’m sitting, those bruises on your ass look painful. Hahahahahahaha.

14. Ted Fucking Cruz. The chief obstructionist under Barack Obama is now kvetching about…wait for it…OBSTRUCTIONIST DEMOCRATS. Oh, the irony, how it doth BURN.

15. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Welp, guess Diaper Don (and that fucking asshole he retweeted) didn’t get his wish, because the Québec shooter turns out to have been a right-wing, white, sexist/racist/xenophobic fan of his old man (and probably also a listener to the same trash-talk radio the retweeted asshole babbles on). Maybe Junior would be better off staying off the tweeter…and that goes triple for his old man and the trash-radio hosts who love him.

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16. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, much as it pains me to add our lovely and charming Trudizzle to this list, add him I must. Because he reneged on a rather important campaign promise, for one thing. And for another, because he’s not upping the number of refugees allowed in, even though there’s a crying need for it now that that fucking orange buffoon/behemoth (buffoonehemoth?) to the south of us has actually crammed through an actual fucking Muslim ban.

17. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Yes, by all means, dismiss all concerns that your big orange boss-man’s Muslim ban will turn into a brilliant recruiting tool for terrorists. I mean, it’s not like that’s ever happened before, right?

18. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Yeah, squawk your empty head off about the left being “fearful” of free speech. Seems they’re exercising theirs rather effectively against you, and YOU are hiding from them!

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19. Kellie Fucking Leitch. You want to call freedom of speech a Canadian value? Very well, then. Canadians are gonna stand up on their hind legs and use their Canadian values…AGAINST YOU.

20. Steve Fucking Bannon. What the actual fuck? Did he really just declare that Oceania has always been at war with Eastasia? Not quite…but it sure sounds to me like he just declared war against CHINA.

21. Myron Fucking Ebell. Right-wing stink tank says WHAT? Sounds to me like he’s lumping all environmentalists in with terrorists. Probably because that’s exactly what he’s doing, the little projecting shit.

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22. Cameron Fucking Bartkowski. So, what does an (apparently unvetted) Australian white-nationalist candidate do with his spare time? Wank like a demented ‘roo over all manner of racist, misogynist, and even trans-misogynist porn. Whatever else?

23. Matthew Fucking McConaughey. Finally, an out-of-touch Hollywood elitist has been located…and it’s one who thinks we should “embrace” the mad king-wannabe who has seized the White House. Matty, I liked you better when all you did was smoke pot, dance around in the buff and play the bongos all day. Could you go back to that again, please, and let the grownups talk impeachment?

24. Peter Fucking Roskam. How do you know a Repug is lying? His lips are moving. And how do you know he’s up to no good? When he bars the media who are there to report that his lips are moving.

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25. Jason Fucking Kenney. Do I smell an opportunist? Why yes, I do! Unfortunately for him, though, the internet doesn’t forget what he sounded like BEFORE those six Muslims got gunned down in Québec. And consequently, neither does this wanklist!

26. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Meanwhile, in another part of the Con-centration Camp, we have this piece of shit. Who thought it would be quite the lark to post a video of himself firing assault rifles on the day of the funeral for three of the six victims mentioned above. Arlene was right about him. He is a narcissist of the worst kind.

27. John Fucking Barrasso. Oh shit, man, stop shilly-shallying and just admit it: You right-wingers LOVE it when mentally unstable people get guns. Not only because it puts more money in your gun-lobbyists’ pockets (and by extension, yours), but also because it causes suicidal depressives to take themselves permanently off the welfare rolls, AND it enables the Nazified types to wreak havoc and keep anyone to the left of Hitler in a permanent state of terror!

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28. Dan Fucking Adamini. And speaking of guns and other awful things right-wingers love, how about this weasel-faced git? Yeah, he loves what the National Guard did at Kent State. Why? Because he thinks that Freeze Peach is more important than professional trolls taking responsibility for their words and their own damn security; he’d rather the state become a thug’s right arm than a servant of the people. And because he’s a fucking piece of shit with a trash-talk radio show, so OF COURSE he’s all about that Freeze Peach.

29. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Oh fuck, he’s styling himself a “comedian” now? When he’s only funny by accident, like if he tumbles drunkenly down some metal stairs, or maybe when someone lands a well-timed punch upside his head? Jayzus.

30. Neil Fucking Gorsuch. Okay, so neither of this fucker’s wanks happened this week, but they’re both pretty egregious. Take your pick: will it be the “juvenile” membership in the “Fascism Forever” club which he founded at prep school, or the not-so-youthful wankery of declaring a botched execution to be, and I quote, “innocent misadventure”? And just think, kiddies, this walking Backpfeifengesicht is Drumpf’s first SCOTUS pick. Let’s also make it his last. PS: And oh yeah, also there’s his university yearbook entry, showcasing said Gesicht:

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And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf. You know you’re a wanker when the Toronto Star has to dedicate an entire reporter to tallying your lies after entering office. Personally, I can’t believe they only add up to 33. I could have sworn it was hundreds. Every time this asshole sucks wind, he farts out another round of bullshit. When is the impeachment coming?

Good night, and get fucked!

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