Wankers of the Week: Big Bigot’s Big Headache

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Donald J. Fucking Drumpf himself. Dude, when you fail, you do it bigly. You had the White House, the House, the Senate…and yet, Obamacare still lives and you failed to replace it with anything, much less the death-on-a-grand-scale you promised. You’re an epic fail, Donnie. And here’s who else was an epic fail this week, in no particular order:

1. Tim Fucking Allen. Talentless hack says what? Oh, something about how being a wingnut in Hollywood is like Nazi Germany in the ‘30s. Yeah, Timmy, it so is. And you’re clearly on side with the Gestapo. So quit that “I’m so oppressed” whining and face facts: You’re a one-note wonder who’s only ever played one character, over and over, all his life, and made megabucks at it. You’re a special fucking snowflake. You couldn’t be less like a German Jew in the 1930s if you really fucking TRIED.

2. Neil Fucking Gorsuch. Oh, so he doesn’t believe there’s any right to privacy? Well, good, because all the dirt on him is about to be dug up and turned over. And all the worms are coming OUT, Fascism Forever Boy!

3. Ren Fucking Bostelaar. Guess who’s a fake body-positive feminist and real slut-shaming 4chan /b/-turd? Yup. THIS GUY. And he’s married with kids, too. Way to bring shame on your family, bozo.

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4. Scott Fucking Perry. God is polluting Chesapeake Bay? Dude, what drugs are you on? All those nitrates and crap in the water didn’t come from the woods. THEY CAME FROM PEOPLE. And yes, you DO need the EPA. You need it more now than ever. You don’t need a wall, you need regulation. (Also, YOU need counselling.)

5. David Fucking Trott. Oh dear, look who got caught trying to falsify the news about people booing him. Yes, that’s right, kiddies…right-wing politicians don’t just lie to you themselves, they try to make the media do it too. Except — oops! — when a hot mike catches them in the act. Then the media has to report that he was caught lying. Ha, ha.

6. Jim Fucking Sharkey. Pro tip (not that Coach Dumbass here is gonna take it or anything): If you coach a high-school team of any kind, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, put your penis in a hot-dog bun and show it to a student. Even if you only did it as a joke, you’re still really, truly exposing yourself to kids, you fuckin’ perv.

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7. Lance Fucking Wallnau. Yes, by all means, call Milo Fucking Yeah-Nope over from the “Alt-Right” (read: NAZIS) to the Religious Reich. Because there’s nothing like the weirdest fucking bromance ever to convince the world that Jesus is on your side, just helping you pray away Teh Ghey. PS: And maybe you can bake him a gay little cake while you’re at it, too!

8. Jason Fucking Kenney. “Normal” is really just a setting on the washing machine. But even if it meant something more than that, this smarmy little bastard wouldn’t qualify as such…let alone “severely” so. Which is an awfully odd thing to call Closet Boy, anyway.

9. Steven Fucking Curtis. At long last, evidence of Drump’s illegal voting has been found! Unfortunately, as has been more than once the case in this past election, it came from his own side.

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10. Mike Fucking Adams. Oh noes, the Lizard People are trying to normalize autism in the name of MASS VACCINATION! And they’re using a little girl muppet on SESAME STREET to do it! If that didn’t sound totally stupid to you, you might just be brain-dead already. Stop reading conspiracy websites run by crackpots with right-wing bullshit (and other shit) to sell you, you ablist fuckin’ dweeb. And learn some actual facts about vaccines, while you’re at it.

11. Kevin Fucking Goudreau. Sure, dude, you really scored a coup with your tiny-ass white supremacist rally in Peterborough. So big, in fact, that there’s an awful lot of laughter coming at your expense. And that of your idiot supporters, too. WHO hates white people, again? Sounds like you guys do.

12. Jonathan Fucking Stern. Meanwhile, look who’s making common cause with actual Nazis. Yup…THIS GUY. And a bunch of other dumbass Kahanists, too. Wise up, dudes…”white nationalist” is nothing but a dog-whistle for Nazis. And as soon as they’re done using you as their useful idiots, it’s back under the bus you go. Good for the Jews you ain’t.

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13. Malcolm Fucking Roberts. Some women like sexual harassment? Who the hell are these mythical “some women”? Because I’ve never met one, and I’ve sure as hell never BEEN one. Smiling doesn’t always mean someone actually likes something, you know — sometimes we smile just to be polite and get out as quickly as we can, because a fight isn’t worth it when you’re historically always on the losing end anyhow. And maybe, also, because the next time we bare our teeth, it will be to rip a motherfucker’s throat out. Like this fucking idiot, who hasn’t even READ the laws he thinks are “going too far”…no doubt because they merely exist, like women.

14. Ted Fucking Cruz. Because there is nothing this Reverse Midas can touch without it turning to shit, now he’s ruined the Hitchhiker’s Guide for us all, forever. Fuck you very much, Ted.

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Because it wouldn’t be a week unless she wanked, here she is, yattering stupidities about Colin Kaepernick’s latest badass good-guy move. (You’re welcome.)

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16. Lena Fucking Dunham. No, cafeteria sushi is NOT “cultural appropriation” — everybody knows and acknowledges that the Japanese invented that dish and still make it best. Nobody is trying to pass it off as something a white Anglo-American created or deserves credit for “discovering”. THAT would be appropriation. And there are bigger things to worry about in a university cafeteria, anyway. The main one being how to prepare food that is nutritionally complete and won’t give anybody food poisoning. And that is a point on which any Japanese sushi chef would say the same.

17. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Oh lord, HIM again? Yup. And his explanation for Drumpf’s nonsensical babblings about nonexistent wiretaps allegedly laid by Obama? “He’s speaking Americanese.” Since WHEN is that a separate language? And why not just admit that HE IS FUCKING LYING?

18. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Nice to see that the shit doesn’t fall far from the asshole. Or the douche from the bag. And how soon the little shit has forgotten 9-11, too! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha.

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19. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Oh yay, Hatey Katie is ba-ack! And now she’s on FUX Snooze with Fucker Carlson. (How predictable.) And claiming that all of London is scared and cowed and on lockdown and definitely not united. Speak for yourself, bozo. When you’re done getting your arse handed back to you on a platter, that is.

20. George Fucking Faught. Rape or incest is the “will of God”? If that’s your god, I don’t need your stinkin’ devil. Get the hell out of women’s uteri, you evil fucking moron!

21. Wayne Fucking Allyn Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb it is for him to assume that (a) there are that many millionaires with gold-plated health insurance plans in the US, and (b) that they were all dumb enough to vote for Drumpf. Oh, and (c) that it’s a good idea to ignore the vast masses of poor schmoes out there across the Fruited Plain. A lot of them are now regretting voting for him, and learning belatedly that voting for a Repugnican rich guy won’t make them one themselves.

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22. Roger Fucking Stone. You’re going to do WHAT? Ha, ha, ha. You and what army? Face it, old man, your days of dirty trickery and ratfucking are over. From now on, the only rodents you’ll be having intercourse with are the kind that crawl up from the floor drains of prison cells. And occasionally eat people’s faces off. Ha, ha.

23. Pat Fucking Roberts. He didn’t want his mammograms taken away, but now they’re gone, and so are his wife’s, too. And those of every woman who can’t afford to go out of pocket for them. Yeah, dude, NOW you’re sorry. You stupid motherfucker. Better hope no cancer takes up residence in your saggy old man-boobs, eh?

24. Rex Fucking Tillerson. He didn’t want the job (of US Secretary of State, in case you wonder) — but God told him to take it? Dude, you really MUST stop hanging out with imaginary friends. You and your boss both clearly don’t want your jobs, and you’re both absolutely shit at them, so I’m sure God won’t mind if you both RESIGN, DAMMIT.

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25. Andrew Fucking Anglin. The racist murder of a black man by a white guy who set out to kill blacks in New York “doesn’t represent white supremacy”? Au contraire, mon frère…it represents it perfectly. As does the image of a crowd of white people under a hanging black man at a lynching party. They used to make picture postcards of those, back in what your kind calls the Good Old Days, and what everyone else calls the Jim Crow era. And since when is white supremacy a religion, much less “a religion of peace”? I don’t expect you to apologize. So just fuck off, because society is sure as hell NEVER going to rally around YOUR pimply, pustulent ass.

26. Sean Fucking Hannity. The Baby Jesus DEMANDS that the Repugnican party SERVE Drumpf! DAMMIT! All right, why not serve him? As long as it’s a shit sandwich, it’s all good. And hey! They’ve had eight years of practice making those, so…PERFECT!

27. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. A Brit born in Britain somehow justifies Drumpf’s Muslim ban, says he. Box of rocks, or bag of hammers? You decide.

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28. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Newty, Newty, Newty. Did you fall asleep in school, or something? Because there is no right way to “be American”, much less anyone teaching it. There never fucking WAS!

29. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Kevvy, Kevvy, Kevvy. Stop projecting your own idiocies onto the Premier of Alberta. Everybody knows that if you’d been in charge, Fort Mac would still be on fire. And Alberta would be run into the ground, just like your past businesses.

30. Nigel Fucking Farage. Nigel, Nigel, NIGEL. You’re no longer the UKIP leader. You fucked off after the Brexit vote. You are no longer an enitity in British politics anywhere. That should be your cue to SHUT YOUR FUCKING GOB, YOU SHITE.

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And finally, to the fucking losers on board the so-called Free Speech Bus. Freeze Peach? Yeah, looks like you frosted some peaches…and got a small taste of other people’s free speech in the form of some well-earned embarrassment. What you really deserve is to get run off the fucking road for good, just like your bigoted boss did today. Don’t worry, assholes, you’ll get yours yet. And when you do, you’ll wish you’d never opened your big arrogant yaps.

Good night, and get fucked!

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