Wankers of the Week: Drumpf’s tinfoil is getting tighter

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the tinfoil hatter who’s still, inexplicably, squatting in the White House. I bet he’s feeling those walls closing in, judging by how many weeks in a row now he’s spent in Florida. But there is no escape from the public, and the adulation is getting weaker and fainter as the calls for impeachment grow louder and the evidence piles up. Prepare for the big meltdown, kiddies, it’s coming. And here’s who else melted down this week, in no particular order:

1. Mark Fucking Levin. All right. So. First cracker right out of the box, how about the guy who planted that ridiculous “Obama wiretap” idea in Donnie’s head? Now he’s saying he’s not fucking Nostradamus and has no fucking proof. Marky, why not just admit you lied?

2. Steve Fucking King. And while we’re on the subject of crapaganda and liars, how about him? “Not one morsel of dissent” during the entire eight years that a black man was in the White House, while Repukes like this one were actively obstructing him at every turn? That’s not just a lie, it’s a Big Lie. The kind you’d expect in a dictatorship, not a so-called democracy with so-called freedom of speech. But as usual in Repugnantcon Land, it’s all “free speech for me, and none for thee”.

3. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how grotesque it is to see her get hired on the basis of nepotism, just to polish that massive orange turd.

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4. Derek Fucking Fildebrant. No, little boy, a racist is NOT “somebody who’s winning an argument” (a position a right-wing Albertan wouldn’t know shit about anyway, since they’re used to having all their victories just handed to them on a hereditary basis). It’s an idiot who thinks that throwing out racism memes is a way to win an argument.

5. Kellie Fucking Leitch. And while we’re on the subject of racist ‘wingers from up here, how about her? She just revealed her list of “Canadian values” questions, and man, are they something else. And by “something else”, I mean they’re a fuckin’ JOKE. And by a fuckin’ joke, I mean they’re something that the majority of her own supporters wouldn’t pass.

6. Franklin Fucking Graham. Oh dears, someone sure has his panties in a bunch over a couple of harmless gay characters in Disneyland. Is that a whiff of mothballs I smell? Do I hear something tap-dancing in your closet, Frankie? I have so many questions.

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7. Roger Fucking Stone. You can run, but you can’t hide from the Wayback Machine…or from a public eye now sensitized to all forms of misogyny. Also, you DO know what libel is, apparently, or else you wouldn’t have tried to erase those embarrassing tweets. Innnnnnnteresting!

8. Steve Fucking Bannon. Holy crap, does this flyblown dung-eater ever harp on his awful taste in reading materials. And no, it’s not The Turner Diaries. It’s worse. It’s a stunningly ill-written French novel that the publisher of The Turner Diaries actually praised. Thus proving that pretty much ALL right-wingers have deplorable taste in reading materials, and that it gets worse the further right you go.

9. Alex Fucking Jones. Why is he still alive? And why is he still babbling? And most of all, why is he calling for mass murders based on political views he disagrees with? So much for this bullshit “free speech” contention of the far-right…AGAIN.

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10. Nathan Fucking Daniel Fucking Larson. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how blatantly unfit to run for office this scum-sucker is. He’s a felon, BTW, so he can’t vote himself, much less pronounce on depriving women of the franchise. Also, he has the most raging case of flibbertigibbertarian Backpfeifengesicht I’ve ever seen.

11. Rob Fucking Schaaf. And speaking of blatantly unfit for public office, how about him? He thinks that drug-overdose deaths are just a dandy way of cleansing the gene pool. Oh, and get this: He’s a fucking doctor. Of all the people who should know better…fuck. Maybe it would be better to revoke his medical licence, eh?

12. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. Meanwhile, the congressional turd-polisher-in-chief is busy lacquering over the shoddiness of the US healthcare system (which is now even worse than ever) by saying people should buy insurance, not iPhones. You can tell it’s been a while since he last priced the cost of his own coverage, eh? Well, there’s something you can do to raise his awareness, and that’s sign and share this.

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13. Daryush Fucking Valizadeh. Is it just my weak eyes and ears, or is Roosh looking and sounding more like the Taliban each day? Crikey, between his archaic “thoughts” (note the quotes, there for a reason) and that beard, all he needs is a turban. And a one-way ticket to Tora Bora. Certainly no western woman has any use for him, anyway.

14. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Trying to sell the indigenous peoples on the virtues of the residential school system is like trying to sell the children of Chernobyl on the virtues of nuclear meltdowns and fallout. That “well-intentioned” canard is what the road to hell is paved with. Give it a rest, already! PS: And BOOM. Romeo Saganash hits the nail on the head here. Mouthing platitudes about forgiveness and good intentions doesn’t undo the real, concrete damage that is still reverberating through the indigenous peoples today.

15. Meghan Fucking McCain. Well, there goes that “Republican voice of reason” image that she worked so hard in the early days to cultivate. Ever since she’s been a talking head on FUX Snooze, her brain’s just been leaking out her ears, and her colon has been backing up into her mouth. Poor thing. I hope her gold-plated insurance plan covers the treatments for that, whatever she’s got.

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16. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Welp, didn’t take very long for the bigot in HIM to come slithering out, did it now? But of course, no one has greater respect for women than he does, not even Drumpf! And I really don’t want to see what HIS idea of “competence” is, since he ran his own businesses into the groundrepeatedly. Call me funny, but I think that bespeaks rather a LACK of competence on his part.

17. Lou Fucking Engle. Any doctor will tell you that fasting won’t keep any disease (other than maybe morbid obesity) from dogging you. And it’s absolutely powerless against witchcraft (take it from this Witch, she knows).

18. Maxime Fucking Bernier. Welp, looks like Cons can also scratch HIM off their list of “party leadership candidates who aren’t complete fuckheads like #5 and #16”. Bad news, guys, he’s just as fuckheaded as both of them…maybe even both of them combined!

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19. Zachary Fucking Gross. Scalping your girlfriend and setting your pitbull on her? That’s a crime. Mouthing off at a judge? That’s contempt of court…and one helluva wank. Also, that’s a paddlin’.

20. Nick Fucking Vedovi. Two rapes of underage girls? That’s a crime. Breaking out racist insults on an Asian women because she doesn’t text you back right away? That’s a wank…and it’ll get you kicked off your dating app.

21. Jim Fucking Jordan. Pro tip: NEVER spout Repug talking points about medicare to a Canadian reporter. And NEVER disparage our single-payer system. You will get a colonoscopy, free of charge…and also, free of anesthesia.

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22. John Fucking Shimkus. Yes, men SHOULD pay for prenatal care. After all, women don’t get pregnant by parthenogenesis. And if you’re going to talk them out of having abortions, as I suspect you would do since there’s an R after your name and you’re from the “heartbeat bill” state of Ohio, the least you CAN do is pay for it, you fucking doorknob.

23. Joey Fucking Hensley. “Christian family values” dictate that teachers should never even be allowed to say that homosexuality exists, according to him. And also, God’s will dictates that a four-times-divorced adulterer should have no qualms about boinking his own cousin. OR trying (twice!) to run over his most recent ex-wife with a car.

24. Carter Fucking Page. Is he as loony as he seems, or is Drumpf trotting him out on purpose as a red herring, to lend credence to his stupid “I wuz wiretapped” claims? Oh, I dunno…why not both?

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25. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Meanwhile, across the pond, we have someone else who, like Drumpf, should never tweet. Maybe spray those idiocies across the sides of buses instead?

26. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman thinks that the women who marched on the 8th are “self-medicating”, with “skulls full of mush”, who are “pretty much miserable”. Well, of course, the Pigman would know all about that. After all, he went deaf on Vicodin, OxyContin, et cetera, et cetera, and all the Viagra he takes for those whoremongering junkets to the Dominican Republic. Does that sound like a happy, stable, solid-brained person to YOU?

27. Sean Fucking Spicer. What is this, an unconscious cry for help? Flying, or in this case WEARING, your country’s flag upside down is traditionally regarded as a distress call. In which case, maybe this is not a minor wank, but just Spicey’s roundabout way of saying he’d rather go back to being the White House Easter Bunny again.

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28. Wayne Fucking Allyn Fucking Root. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine — and SCARY — it is to hear Drumpf and “making passionate love” mentioned in the same sentence by this doubleplusfuckingasshat. Still, I will give him points for one thing: Drumpf really IS screwing the public, “every day, seven days a week” — no doubt about that.

29. Mike Fucking Kelly. So, Barack Obama stayed in Washington to run a shadow government? Then who’s in his shadow cabinet? And why are they not passing any shadow laws? I have SO many questions…mainly concerning what this guy is smoking.

30. Bill Fucking Flores. So, that’s the whole Trumpcare plan, then? Pay extra if you come down with something unexpected? Pay through the nose, and if you’re not covered, you’re screwed? Funny, but that sounds so much like the situation that Obamacare was supposed to address!

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And finally, to all the fucking white supremacists out there. From the ones losing their shit over two of their own kind getting sent rightly to prison in Georgia for threatening a black kid’s birthday party with a loaded shotgun, to the ones plotting a cross-burning in North Carolina. And let’s not forget the ones in Arizona threatening a “liberal genocide”. Luckily, the antifascists are alert and ready to shut them down. And all this is gonna do, in the end, is not intimidate anyone, but energize and radicalize those who were on the fence before. Nazis and Klukers are gonna get punched, and they’re gonna find out the hard way that they’re not as macho as they believe they are. And I will be right here to drink their bitter, bitter tears.

Good night, and get fucked!

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