Wankers of the Week: Gettin’ teed off


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Drumpfy himself, who’ll be golfing YET AGAIN this weekend. How do I know? Because that’s what he does every weekend, rather than working his fat ass off like he swore he’d do during the campaign. Let’s hope he gets permanently stuck in the sand trap. And let’s hope these people all get stuck with him, in no particular order:

1. Nigel Fucking Farage. Oh dear, look who’s had to apologize for getting it wrong. Ha, ha. Maybe next time, he won’t be so quick to tie a terrorist to immigration when there was no connection…oh, who am I kidding? This shameless opportunist won’t stop that until someone nails down a coffin lid over his silly twit face. PS: UK readers, sign, sign, sign — and wipe the grin off said twit-face.

2. Jeanine Fucking Pirro. Paul Ryan needs to step down…for not pushing through a bill nobody wanted? And just think, this brainless sycophant’s a former judge. How did she even get into law school?

3. Ezra Fucking Levant. Once more, Ezzy the Putz shows what the right wing’s real agenda is: Free speech for them, but none for thee. And especially not if thou art a journalist from a student newspaper, coming to report accurately on the bullshit that’s going down with the idiot boys’ club that is the Fucking Ryerson Campus Conservatives.


4. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. What fresh hell is this? Oh…it’s one of Drumpfy’s Wall Street cronies, gushing some weird and unscientific shit about eugenics. Which won’t save Cheeto Hitler’s life if he keeps eating the garbage we all know he’s so fond of. But yeah, Drumpf is constantly doing things, all right…like fucking off to his golf course when he’s supposed to be working, and sulking when things don’t go his way.

5. Glenn Fucking Beck. Well, now we know what Biff’s limit is: Blatant racism is perfectly fine, but anything smacking of feminism, even just a teeny tiny bit? Bye, Tomi Fucking Lahren!

6. Sean Fucking Hannity. Yes, Baby Jesus, you ARE bad for your country. You’re a fake newsman. And it took a real one, in the form of the venerable Ted Koppel, to point that out. And now you’re whining and kvetching about it! But hey, at least you finally admitted that you’re not even PRETENDING to be “Fair and Balanced”!


7. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Even as Alex Fucking Jones has finally backed off his insistence that Pizzagate was real, Juicebro — the world’s worst lawyer — is touchingly devoted to the Big Lie. Uncle Adolf would be proud of you, Mikey.

8. Rachel Fucking Dolezal. Newsflash: You can’t “identify as” black, you either are or you’re not. And you’re NOT. But kudos to whoever did your latest perm.

9. Lynn Fucking Beyak. No, privileged white senator, you haven’t suffered along with indigenous people. You haven’t been taken from your family and community. You haven’t been forced to attend a school whose whole purpose was to strip you of your language and cultural heritage. You haven’t been abused by clergy. You haven’t died or lost anyone to the residential school system. And yes, you DO need further education on it. You need it in the worst way, because you are still utterly clueless…and worse, arrogant about it. PS: Sign, sign, sign!


10. Sean Fucking Spicer. Awww, looky…the White House Easter Bunny haz a mad! When the fuck was a conservative EVER falsely accused of committing a hate crime? I can’t remember. Mainly because all the times I’ve ever heard one being accused of hate crimes, it turns out that the charges were TRUE. In fact, there’s never been a hate criminal who wasn’t a conservative on some level. Because conservatism is all about conserving the bigotries, didn’t you know?

11. John Fucking Lydon. Good ol’ Johnny Rotten, what a rebel. So rebellious, in fact, that he’s now rebelling against rebellion itself, and going right along with the establishment, all the way. Never mind that punk-rock bollocks, here’s the Sellout Pistol. Hey, God? Could you give us Joe Strummer back, and take this one instead? Kthxbai.

12. Maxime Fucking Bernier. Oh noes, impoverished refugees are crossing our border! Better call out the army. Wouldn’t want any abandoned baby strollers blocking our view of the disaster to the south of us, would we now?


13. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Maxine Waters is a dignified, intelligent, and much-loved congresswoman, but to Billo, she’s just the snake who snatched James Brown’s wig. Seriously, Billo? You need to get back in the shower and wank with your falafel some more. PS: Ha, ha!

14. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Why no, that suspiciously Nazi-like pistol you fired doesn’t make you look at all like a Nazified gun nut, Kellie! And neither is it doing anything to burnish your image within Tory ranks, fortunately. PS: And speaking to a Nazi-aligned group isn’t going to do it either, I’m sure.

15. William Fucking Happer. Why no, your suspiciously wankish views don’t make you look at all like an unscientific whackjob, dude. And your sexism doesn’t make you look at all like a pig, either!


16. Ryan Fucking Zinke. Oh, you’re going to confiscate the Rio Bravo, AND the lands immediately adjoining it? Better get set for the Mexicans to tear up the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, because that’s what’s next if you try it, pendejo del gran cabrón.

17. Eric Fucking Drumpf. “No better patriot” than Wanker #6? An awful lot of military vets are going to be pissed as hell with Beavis for saying that. Especially since #6 never served.

18. Jack Fucking McLaren. If having no tolerance for sexually-abusive doctors makes me “intolerant”, then I’m proud to be intolerant. Just as I’m proud to be intolerant towards dumbass conservatives who make excuses and apologies for people who don’t deserve any.


19. Joe Fucking Walsh. The bar was lowered for Barack Obama because he was black? Asshole…do you have any idea what country you’re living in, and how they actually treat black people? This guy had to wrestle for years with idiots demanding his fucking birth certificate, ferfucksakes. And one of them is the asswipe who’s currently squatting in the Oval Office (when he’s not fucking off to Mar-a-Lago to sulk). Now THERE’s a guy for whom the bar got lowered…because he was motherfucking WHITE.

20. Pat Fucking Robertson. No, multiple sclerosis is NOT caused by demons, and scolding them (that’s what rebuke means, look it up) won’t make it go away. It is an autoimmune disorder, and medical science will find a cure sooner or later. In fact, the FDA just approved a new treatment. Pray that they succeed, if you like, but for God’s sake, QUIT FUCKING SCOLDING.

21. Jason Fucking Kenney. He thinks kids in gay-straight alliances should be outed? I think he should be too, then. And apparently, so does k.d. lang. Ha, ha.


22. Neil Fucking Hamilton. If you think Internet troll-culture has no real-world repercussions, better think again. This fucking UKIP wanker just thought that “kill yourself”, or something to the general effect, was an acceptable thing to utter in the Welsh parliament. Where the fuck did he get that idea? Oh, probably from some dweeb on the internet. If you wonder why I don’t suffer trolls, let alone gladly, there you fucking go.

23. Anuar Fucking González. It’s not rape if the rapist didn’t enjoy it? WTF??? Who the hell cares if he “enjoyed” it or not? The victim felt like hell and still does. And that’s because rape isn’t about anyone’s pleasure, unless it’s the perverse kind a pervert gets from gaining power over someone less powerful. Rape isn’t a form of sex, it’s a form of ASSAULT. Funny how THAT never seems to get called into question by judges. But — ha, ha — it looks like this judge, at least, won’t have the pleasure of getting to talk like that from the bench anymore.

24. Ernest Fucking Angley. “Yore healed, boy!” How’s that for a blast from the past? Only nobody’s been healed here. Try “Yore ripped off, boy!” instead.


25. Shannon Fucking Lundgren. How “pro-life” is she? So much so that she thinks even dead fetuses will miraculously come to life if carried to term. Never mind if their mothers die. Which is generally what happens when late-term abortions are denied. No, “life” includes dead fetuses (which are somehow “persons”) but not living women (who are somehow not)!

26. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. #9 is merely “embarrassing”? Is that the best you got, Kevvy? That was weak sauce. You don’t belong in the PMO.

27. Fergus Fucking Wilson. You know what smells worse than carpets full of curry? Racist rental property owners. Ughhhhh.


28. Paul Fucking Elam. You guys, I just saw the back of my own skull! And you know who made it possible? Yup…Paulie did. By finding out that his Amazon Echo device (also known as “Alexa”) was a feminist. He screamed like an opera singer shattering a glass. Which is fragile, but not as fragile as Paulie’s masculinity, ha ha.

29. Betsy Fucking DeVos. Uneducated billionairess says WHAT? Schools are not like fucking cab companies, stupid. Public education exists for a reason, and that reason is that nobody’s kid should grow up to be a dumbass like YOU.

30. Jodey Fucking Arrington. If you’re going to throw out biblical phraseology, O whited sepulchre, be sure that you yourself are actually working, and not just preaching. Otherwise, YOU might end up having to starve, too.


And finally, to all the fucking sellouts of the US House and Senate, who this week decided it was a great idea to do their lobbyist masters’ bidding and let Internet service providers sell out their users’ data — every last bit of it, including private searches. Hope you all enjoy the shitstorm as your own privacy gets the exact same treatment as everyone else’s, ha ha.

Good night, and get fucked!

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