Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy St. Patrick’s Day to all the Irish folks out there. Special shout-out to one of them whom the Irish are reluctant to claim, Kellyanne Fucking Conway, who as usual supplied all the (inadvertent) mirth and merriment of the week in the form of some truly nonsensical blarney about microwaves turning into cameras and spying on you. Thanks, Barrick O’Bama! And thanks to all these others, too — not necessarily Irish, and in no particular order:
1. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. Is that any way to talk to Trevor Noah, who is funnier in his sleep than you ever were while wide awake? And really, is that any way to talk for someone whose family came to the US (NOT America, just the US) on a boat?
2. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Newty, Newty, Newty…PLEASE stop angling for relevance. Or for positions within the Drumpf “administration” (note the quotes, there for a reason). That ship has sailed, and when it hits the inevitable iceberg and sinks, it will only take you down with it.
3. Fareed Fucking Zakaria. I haven’t trusted this two-bit shit pundit since he first came out in favor of Dubya’s wars. I can see that my good judgment still holds. There is literally NO comparison between Steve Fucking Bannon — an alcoholic Nazi crapagandist — and Howard Zinn, a beloved and rightly respected leftist historian. N-O-N-E. And how embarrassing IS it when professors and legal experts have to write to the Washington Post to set them straight on that?
4. Jason Fucking Kendall. White guy walks into Middle-Eastern restaurant, is shocked to see Middle Easterners working there, starts screaming and hitting one with a pipe? Hardly. This was a targeted attack, and now he’s in jail. Maybe he might want to think twice before taking it upon himself to be a one-man immigration and deportation department in future, hmmm?
5. Richard Fucking Lloyd. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here’s one who threw a complete shit-tantrum when an Indian convenience store owner, whom he mistook for an Arab Muslim, didn’t have the “right” kind of juice, and decided it was time to run all the Ay-rabs out of town (and country) for that.
6. Sean Fucking Hannity. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without the Baby Jesus, here’s him bawling his fool eyes out again and stirring up trolls into misgendering Chaz Bono in his flailing desperation to bitch-slap a liberal. You’re welcome.
7. Kayla Fucking Dee. Soooooo, if your own kids die of polio because you refused to vaccinate them, that’s just God’s plan? Well, then. I bet you won’t bother to cry when it happens. Because anyone who’s that blithe about contagious, lethal, preventable diseases is a certifiable sociopath. And anyone who’d think their own kids will be spared because God makes special plans for them is a certifiable idiot.
8. Steve Fucking King. Well, look who just went full fascist. Some jackass from Iowa who just endorsed Geert Fucking Wilders, and in turn had David Fucking Duke endorse him. I’m sure that will go down so well, ha ha. And I’m sure you won’t ever be primaried on account of THAT, either. PS: Ooooo, what have we here? Smells like a scandal. And massage oil. PPS: Ha, ha! PPPS: And holy shit, he is dafter than Charles Fucking Manson. Take a bobby pin and burn a swastika into your forehead, Stevie.
9. Sean Fucking Spicer. Because when questioned about his creeping fascism, the White House Easter Bunny responded in a creepy, fascist manner. Happily, the woman he insulted didn’t take it lying down. Or the insults she got for it from ‘wingers on the tweeter, either.
10. Alex Fucking Jones. Puddemup! Puddemup, I say! Careful, dude, that’s Alec Baldwin you’re challenging. Not only might he just take you up on your unkind offer; if he did, he would whup your pudgy redneck ass. Because he’s kind of used to doing that already.
11. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Surprise! Sometimes, a site that appeals to Nazis gets some ACTUAL ones to come out of the woodwork. Did Ezra Fucking Levant really think his islamophobia — oh sorry, anti-Muslim bigotry was somehow special and different? Nope. It’s the same old antisemitism, just aimed at yet another group of non-Christian people. But crank magnetism being what it is, someone who hates the one can just as easily hate the other, provided he’s not the other one himself. Confused yet? Don’t worry, I’m sure it all makes perfect sense over there in Nazi — oh sorry, Alt-Right country. (These fucking snowflakes. You gotta say things just so, or you’ll hurt their fragile feelings. And then they’ll get all triggered and demand an entire country as their safe space!)
12. Ezra Fucking Levant. And while we’re on the subject of #11 and his wankery, Ezzy should be feeling mighty foolish right now for having dragged him along to Israel in an effort to show how “not so bad” the “alt”-right is. Looks like that effort to de-Nazify The Rebel Media™’s image has backfired rather spectacularly. PS: Ha, ha.
13. Lauren Fucking Southern. While we’re still on The Rebel Media™ beat: Never mind that she’s NOT a real journalist, and what she worked for (until recently, when she decided to go full Nazi) was NOT FUCKING EVER a real media outlet. Damned if the little neofascist camp-follower didn’t wangle herself a slot in the White House “press room” (note the quotes, there for a reason). I’d ask who she had to blow (hopefully only in the metaphorical sense) to get in there, but I already have a fair idea. Oh well, at least she’s not stinking up my beautiful, multicultural country anymore with her bilious monotone vomit. Girl, BYE.
14. Joan Fucking Huffman. Did a microwave spy on her? Nope. She just forgot her mike was open before telling a trans man (who is also a doctor who treats trans people) that he was a “pervert”. For being trans. Funny, but the only perversion I could see was in her thought processes. But isn’t it just like a ‘winger to project their own problems onto others?
15. Theresa Fucking May. Yes, that’s satire…but it’s funny because it’s true. She really does have zero sense of irony. Ha, ha.
16. Jon Fucking Jafari. Well, well. Look who’s a Nazi apologist. Yup. THIS guy. And he’s carrying water for #8, of all the stupid-ass motherfuckers. Talk about giving online gamers a bad name…as if the GamerGits hadn’t already done nearly enough on that front. And given that this guy is half Iranian, there’s also a huge fucking shitload of irony in his apologia. Because his dad came from one of the seven countries Drumpf is trying to ban Muslims from entering from, natch. And that makes HIM one of the “other people’s babies” that #8 wants to ban.
17. Felix Fucking Kjellberg. And while we’re on the subject of Nazi apologia that gives gamers a bad name, how about HIM? Yeah, he’s learned nothing from his last brush with negative public opinion. And that’s why he gets no quarter here. The “sorry you didn’t get my lame sense of humor” thing is so fucking old already. Except, of course, to meatspace Beavises and Buttheads who chuckle at every fart joke as if it were the witticisms of Noel Coward.
18. Larry Fucking Klayman. Is it just my eyes, or does he look like he’s in the last stages of liver disease? Certainly this fucking whackjob talks like he never could put a bottle down, so it wouldn’t surprise me.
19. Ralph Fucking Shortey. Dude, just change your name to Ralph Fucking Shorteyes. It fits. And how many right-wing, anti-LGBT politicians does this make now who were caught at motels with underage kids? I’ve lost count. PS: Aaaand BOOM. Yeah, tell us again about how trans women in bathrooms are so dangerous, but right-wing politicians prostituting someone else’s kids aren’t.
20. Pat Fucking McCrory. So your stupid anti-LGBT legislation has made you unemployable, has it? Well, boo fucking hoo. Now you know how LGBT people feel when people like you treat THEM as pariahs.
21. Kevin O’Fucking Leary. Liar, liar, pants on fire — plane got caught in a telephone wire? Nope. Kevvy was just caught fibbing to Winnipeggers about a flight out of TO that didn’t get cancelled due to bad weather.
22. Allison Fucking Pearson. “Off with Nicola Sturgeon’s head”? What fucking century is this, again? And coming not long after Jo Cox’s murder for opposing the Brexit, how fucking irresponsible can one get?
23. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Cutting Meals on Wheels is “compassionate”? In what bizarre parallel universe is it even remotely that? I have a better idea: How about we cut HIS salary, along with security for all of Drumpf’s trips to Florida AND his fucking border wall, and save seniors and the disabled who need that food?
24. Arthur Fucking Orr. And sticking with the uncompassionate conservative theme for a moment, how about him? How are working poor people supposed to get to their jobs (and bring home the food-stamp bacon) if they can’t even own a car? I say we cut HIM off, too.
25. Rex Fucking Tillerson. Duck and cover, kiddies, Exxon’s secretary of state has just declared war on North Korea. Which may or may not have nukes capable of reaching North America. Feelin’ screwed yet? Please, whoever’s in charge of that nuclear football — HIDE IT FROM HIM AND DONNIE, Y’HEAR?
26. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Oh Lord, HER again. Senator Stupid Shit just doesn’t know when to stop fucking talking. And now she’s pulling the “fake news” card. Resign, you useless, racist eater.
27. Charla Fucking McComic. No, teabagger, Drumpfcare hasn’t taken effect yet. In fact, it hasn’t even been agreed upon, much less enacted. What you’re talking about there is that evil, wicked Obamacare you hated so much. Feel embarrassed yet? Don’t worry, you will…when you get stuck with bills you’ll never be able to pay.
28. Pamela Fucking Geller. What the hell is this professional troll doing in getting all worked up over a school board in Brampton? As usual, mixing herself in where she doesn’t belong, and stirring up hate where none was before. In other words: Cooking up the All-Amurrican grilled bullshit sandwiches, same as she always does.
29. Mike Fucking Pence. Who the hell says “Top of the morning” in Ireland, ever? Literally no one. And that wasn’t even the most cringeworthy part of today’s visit. Poor Enda Kenny had to sit through an awful lot of guff. But hey! At least he got in a fine dig at Drumpf…one so fine that the latter isn’t going to realize what it was until Mr. Kenny is back on Irish turf.
30. John Fucking Rivello. Sending a flashing graphic to a journalist you know to be epileptic, with an eye to provoking a seizure (which of course it did)? That’s attempted murder. Telling him he deserved it, and being just one of a flock of trolls all doing the same? Yeah. That’s a fucking wank. Hope you enjoy jail, asshole.
And finally, to Der Fucking Drumpf himself. From his failure to shake Angela Merkel’s hand to his idiot followers urging a boycott of Hawaii (which is slated to fail spectacularly!), there is literally nothing he and his didn’t wank at this week. And we all know where he’ll be sulking over it yet again this weekend, for the umpth straight weekend in a row. Hey! All those useless seniors, disabled folks and schoolkids aren’t entitled to free meals, but the World’s Biggest Manbaby is still, inexplicably, under Secret Service protection. As is Trophy Wife #3, who is understandably reluctant to be in the same time zone with him. For how much longer? Nobody knows. Pardon me while I consult my spycrowave.
Good night, and get fucked!