Wankers of the Week: Andrew Jackson is angry!


Crappy weekend, everyone! Hey, did you know that Andrew Fucking Jackson saw the Civil War coming, even though he died sixteen years before it began, and was mad about it? True story! I know because Der Drumpf told me so. Unfortunately, he was full of shit, as usual. Sad! And here’s who else was full of it this week, in no particular order:

1. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. $12 million from unnamed fascist donors in the name of Freeze Peach? Yeah, NOPE. Vilo would probably make more real cash if he just pawned those fake pearls he loves to clutch all the time, as he whines that he’s being censored like a good professional victim. He also forgets that we know it’s not his first rodeo. If he really got $12 mil, it would already be gone to all the people he stiffed in his past trolling “ventures”. Or all those rubes he tricked into contributing to his “privilege fund”, which privileged no one but himself.

2. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. So long, farewell, auf Nimmerseh’n, adieu. Unfortunately, he’s not back in Hungary yet. But maybe he and #1 will both end up getting reported to ICE shortly, eh?

3. Tony Fucking Blair. Here’s your “bucket of wotsit”, Toady Bliar. Nobody wants you back in British politics, and not just because you’ll always and forever be known as Dubya’s Poodle. It’s also because you, like the Tories and UKIPpers who created Brexit, thought nothing of selling out your own people to private interests for a fistful of shit.


4. Josh Fucking Duggar. If he doesn’t get the special right to oppress others, he’s being oppressed! Well, at least this sister-molesting bigot is up-front about his intentions. But he’s still projecting like some lowly schmuck in the backroom of the Cineplex Odeon. And he doesn’t understand the meaning of ascribe, either. (The word you’re looking for is subscribe, you moron.)

5. Benny Fucking Hinn. And while we’re on the subject of special oppressors, how about him? He finally got a taste of what it feels like on the other end of the stick…as the IRS raided his offices last week. Ha, ha.

6. Alex Fucking Jones. Hot on the heels of his child-custody loss, the “performance actor” who really believes every line he spouts decided to give a press conf on the courthouse steps. And it sounded remarkably like that gibberish he spouts on all his podcasts.


7. Mike Fucking Martin. Looks like YouTube’s infamous “DaddyOFive” is now DaddyOThree. As the oldest of six kids, I have to say that if my parents had exploited us the way he did his, they’d have been pilloried. I’m just wondering why it took so long to get those kids removed from this greedy, abusive piece of shit and his complicit (second) wife. And why he still has access to any of his kids at all, because he seems to treat all of them pretty damn horribly.

8. Joe Fucking Walsh. Deadbeat dad slags caring dad for promoting universal healthcare following a life-saving surgery on the latter’s newborn son. There really isn’t much to say to this guy other than YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, is there?

9. Kim Fucking Davis. Two years ago, she was derelict in her duties…and today, she’s being sued for that. Shoulda done your job, Kim.


10. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Special snowflakes don’t get any specialer or snowier than Jeffy-poo, who is apparently so very thin of skin that he can’t even brook someone involuntarily laughing at him.

11. Kristopher Fucking Allan. He can’t even spell his own name right, it seems…he keeps tacking on an h at the end of his surname, where one clearly sees an n actually is. Oh yeah, must be because he’s a projecting fucking perverted hypocrite, eh?

12. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Oh, White Grievance Cheerleader. Your mission in life is to make white people less afraid of offending black folks, is it? Well, it looks like the neo-Nazis are indeed emboldened, no thanks to you. Pat yourself on the back, and don’t forget to strap on your swastika and your hooded bedsheet.


13. Ben Fucking Carson. Since when have homeless shelters EVER been comfortable, never mind “too comfortable”? You do realize that the only thing less comfortable would be a grate over a sewer vent or a box under a bridge, right?

14. Steve Fucking Muñoz. Would it surprise you greatly to learn that Gropey McBabyhands has appointed another molester to the State Dept.? NO? Well, good, because he HAS. Ugh.

15. Nancy Fucking Pelosi. While Bernie Sanders takes the flak for endorsing a candidate who is personally anti-abortion but publicly pro-choice, guess what Nancy’s up to? Yeah, that’s right: defending anti-choicers while letting Bernie twist in the wind for no good reason at all. And saying that abortion is “kind of fading as an issue”, even as the Repugnicans are preparing a full-out assault on women’s reproductive rights, right down to birth control. How feminist of her!


16. Sean Fucking Spicer. Spare us your crocodile tears over Jimmy Kimmel’s son, Easter Bunny Boy. Everybody knows that if they had a kid with the same condition, Drumpfcare would have them paying through the nose for treatment…or letting the kid die. Some fucking choice that would be!

17. Sharon Fucking Armke. Oh you poor widdle thing, getting beaten up by intolerant human rights supporters who won’t respect your “religious” persecution of LGBT folks! And your persecution of LGBT folks who happen to be kids, more specifically. Who’s the child abuser again? Y-O-U.

18. Jeffrey Fucking Lord. Dude, your bossman’s in a hole already. Stop digging…oh wait, is that dirt falling down on both of you? Keep digging! Ha, ha.


19. Joel Fucking Richardson. Drumpf isn’t God, you sacrilegious fucking imbecile. And he’s not God’s “anointed”, either. God does not anoint groping adulterers — sinners do!

20. Roy Fucking Moore. Oh you poor widdle snowflake baby, you’re being “persecuted” for “telling the truth”. I.e., people are telling the truth about YOU, and you THINK that makes you persecuted. And now I’m going to pile on and “persecute” you, too. Shut the fuck up and go the hell away already, Ten Commandments Asshole.

21. John Fucking Natale. And speaking of poor persecuted snowflakes who get so offended by anyone who’s not hateful like them: Hey hater, how’s it feel to be schooled on sensitivity and citizenship by a little seventh-grader? Ha, ha.


22. William Fucking Shatner. And sticking with the persecuted-snowflakes theme, since it seems to be everywhere this week: MISANDRY! Only, you know, that’s not an actual thing. Unless you’re an oversensitive dude stewing in his own unexamined toxic masculinity who thinks that anything women do that isn’t all about pleasing and placating him is somehow “hateful”.

23. Doug Fucking Collins. And MOAR snowflake baby boys! This one thinks that Sheila Jackson Lee is “hysterical” just because she, a black woman Democrat, invoked God — which, as everyone knows, is something only white male Republicans who are also preachers get to do without being deemed “hysterical” for it!

24. Conrad Fucking Black. Oh look, Lord Blah-Blah has something to say about Der Drumpf. It’s all laudatory and normalizing, so of course it’s bullshit. STFU, Lord Blah-Blah. And why are you not STILL in prison, come to think of it?


25. Kevin Fucking Swanson. No, public school does NOT turn kids into “transgender communists”. I should know, because I’m a proud public school alumna, and I’m still as cis and just plain socialist as ever. And even if it did turn kids into what he says it does — so what? There’s nothing wrong with trans people, OR communists. There is, however, plenty wrong with being a pig-ignorant, religiofascist, capitalist BIGOT. And he’s all of the above.

26. David Fucking Eastman. Women get abortions just so they can travel? WHERE? Oh, I see…WASILLA. Sarah Fucking Palin’s bailiwick. Crystal-meth capital of Alaska. Nothing going on there except maybe when one of the Quitbull’s brood gets into trouble with the law for the kajillionth time. And then there’s every time this dude runs his shit-ignorant mouth. Yeah, I can see how one might want to get an abortion just to get away from THAT!

27. David Fucking Wilson. And speaking of Wasilla snowbillies, there’s also this guy. Another thing to want to get away from, especially if you’re a local journalist.


28. Jason Fucking Chaffetz. Obamacare for me, none for thee. Print that on a bumper sticker and slap it on your scooter, boy, so everyone will know who to come for with a baseball bat when their kid dies of a “pre-existing condition”.

29. Carmen Fucking Rios. What the hell kind of “feminist” wishes for the death of Bernie Sanders, who is more progressive (and ultimately, better for ALL women) than Hillary Clinton? Uh, this one. Curb your enthusiasm, sister, he’s still got plenty of life in him. But I can see that your political career is bound for an early grave.

30. Scottie Fucking Nell Fucking Hughes. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how asinine she is for saying “Mazel Tov cocktail”…and then for getting on Samantha Bee’s case when the latter made fun of her for it, demanding a “sincere apology”, which I somehow doubt she’ll get. If anything, she’ll get more mockery…and she’ll deserve it. Drumpf’s minions are all clearly as thin-skinned as their idiot boss.


And finally, to the 217 fucking Repugs in the US house of representatives who voted for Drumpfcare. You are all vile and unforgivable, and you are all going to lose in the next electoin. May you all be struck with impotence in the meantime, and may none of your free prescription drugs help. In fact, may all of your dicks dry up and fall off. You smirky, beer-guzzling pieces of shit.

Good night, and get fucked!

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