Crappy weekend, everyone! Here, have a nice big cup of covfefe. Yes, it’s lukewarm and mucky, and full of floating black gritty things. But trust me and drink up. You’re gonna need it to get through this week’s wankers. And here they are, in no particular order:
1. Michael Fucking Fallon. Oh dear, looks like someone’s partisan hackery has caught up to him! Yeah, how embarrassing it is to think you’re slamming Jeremy Corbyn when in fact it was your fellow Tory, Boris Fucking Johnson, who said all that upsetting stuff! The comedy just writes itself, doesn’t it?
2. Boris Fucking Johnson. And here’s the other side of the embarrassing coin: He, too, criticized Jeremy Corbyn. And now he looks even more like a perambulating haystack than ever. Ha, ha.
3. Tony Fucking Blair. And sticking with British politiicans for the time being: How about Toady Bliar? He was warned that becoming Dubya’s poodle would lead to more terrorism in Merry Old England, and he ignored it. And now, the blowback has arrived. And Toady thinks he should make a comeback? How about HELL NO!?
4. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. How many times do you need to be told, girl? If you cannot tweet responsibly, never tweet at all! (And gimme that champagne. You’ve had more than enough. In fact, at the rate things are going for you business-wise, you can’t afford it anyway.)
5. Tiger Fucking Woods. And speaking of irresponsibility (and alcohol), look who became a Florida Man statistic this week! Yes, the former winningest (and wealthiest) golfer ever…whose game has fallen off since his wife dumped him over his insatiable demons. Come to think of it, didn’t he crash a car under the influence then, too? Yup.
6. Mick Fucking Mulvaney. Dude, are you angling for a permanent place on this list? Because that can certainly be arranged…and especially by saying that it’s okay to deprive people who are already hurting, here and now, just so that bankers can get their pound of flesh. Which future generations will also be forced to give them, but that’s the part you’re NOT mentioning, is it? Here’s a truly radical thought, not that you’re likely to think it: HOW ABOUT CUTTING THE MILITARY BUDGET INSTEAD, and TAXING THE RICH FOR THEIR SHARE? Oh wait…gotta think of all the unborn cannon fodder who will make the rich richer again. Gotcha.
7. Matt Fucking Rinaldi. When you can’t handle challenges to your bullshit or demonstrations against it, reach for your gun and call La Migra. It’s the Texas Repugnican thing to do!
9. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. And, not content to let the Alt-Reich steal all the limelight, we have THIS yutz, doing his bit for the Religious Reich and claiming THEY need to be thuggy for Jesus, too. If you want “violent Christianity”, Dave, just remember: You’re exactly like those moneychangers you-know-who drove out of the Temple with a cat-o’-nine-tails. And your boy Drumpf is the one that got whipped at the summit, by a little Frenchman who crushed his hand on purpose. He wasn’t “walking in authority”, he was riding in a golf cart, complaining that he needed his binky. Dude,Jesus doesn’t like it when you lie!
10. Anne Fucking Graham Fucking Lotz. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how stupid you have to be to think that God hates trans people and evolution as much as you do, and would send terrorists to show it — which might be what YOU would do, but certainly isn’t God’s way of handling anything. In other words: It’s the projection, stupid!
11. Jaden Fucking Smith. You hope the Four Seasons Toronto puts you on the no-stay list? You’ll probably get your wish. Or you could just learn to read a menu, like the rest of us peons.
12. Noel Fucking Hilliam. Look out, they got a badass down there in New Zealand! And he’s out to prove that the real first settlers weren’t the indigenous Maori, but a bunch of white schmoes who look remarkably like something out of a 1970s ad! And he’s not gonna let anyone stand in his way, be it the local government or, you know, anyone who actually knows how to do archeology!
13. Cory Fucking Booker. How’s that old saying go? Lie down with dogs, get up with…oh, help me out here!
14. Christy Fucking Clark. For fuck’s sake, woman — BC had an election, the NDP and Greens won, they’re forming a coalition. IT’S OVER. It’s time for you to leave. Now pack your things and go dry your eyes as the well-paid oil-and-gas lobbyist you always hoped you’d be.
15. Andy Fucking Petrowski. Inappropriate images (read: PORN) in a reply-all email on an iPad that’s government property? Idiotic remarks all the damn time? “Pro-MAGA” in CANADA? What do you bet he’s also one of those guys who think women are too hormonal to be trusted in politics?
16. Alex Fucking Gardega. Hooboy, are men and their egos ever fragile. The Wall Street bull was actually placed there illegally, without so much as a permit issued in advance. And now this crap sculptor is so upset that he’s literally sending out the dogs to piss on the legs of a little girl who’s facing that illegal installation down? Crapitalism sure makes for bad public art, and masculism only makes it worse.
17. David Fucking Green. So, guess what the “generous”, religious CEO of the Hobby Lobby store chain thinks of birth control? That’s right, the company insurance plan won’t cover it. And if you get pregnant? No abortion for you! And maternity leave? Nope, none of that for you, either. Basically, if you’re preggers, you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle…and eventually, without a job or a means to support yourself and your brand-new sprog. Because FAMILY VALUES, y’all.
18. Brian Fucking Lilley. And again with the Family Values. Because a gestating woman can’t be merely “expecting” or “pregnant”, much less carrying a fetus. No, she has to actually say that she’s WITH CHILD. Barf!
19. Thomas Michael Fucking Marks. And while we’re still on the subject of right-wing Family Values™, how about him? Can you believe anyone married him, or hired him as a teacher, when he’s a child molester AND a Nazi? Because I’m fucking FLOORED that anyone did.
20. Sean Fucking Spicer. Well, I’m glad SOMEBODY knows the true meaning of covfefe, because it sure as hell ain’t the true meaning of Christmas. Glad we cleared THAT up! PS: Quack quack quack quack QUACK.
21. Paul Fucking Elam. Because if there’s one person whose opinion everybody is just DYING to hear regarding the Portland stabbing Nazi terrorist incident, it’s that of Mr. All Ears For Abusive Men. And yes, it’s every bit as gross and disgusting as you’d come to expect from Paulie, who is every bit as much a man-hater as he is a woman-hater.
22. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Far-right fake-news fucklehead (and author of the “Rape Melania” fake-leftist protest sign) just HAD to protest an all-female showing of a movie he’ll never see. Or, to phrase it just slightly differently, shitbirds gonna shitbird. But — ha, ha — NOT at The Rebel!
23. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Meanwhile, Billo’s replacement on FUX Snooze — in short, another far-right fake-news fucklehead — is pushing really hard on the “oh look, the Portland terrorist wasn’t a white supremacist, because he was really a Bernie Bro!” line of bullshit. He’s right about one thing, and one thing only: that murderous fucking ratbastard isn’t coherent in any way, shape or form. Just like Bowtie Boy himself, come to think of it.
24. Eric Fucking Prince. An “American viceroy” for Afghanistan? An “East India Company” corporate rule? Yeah, that shouldn’t be a problem. After all, it’s not like empires have repeatedly gone there to die or anything.
25. Matt Fucking Bevin. Roving prayer squads walking around the block to praise and/or bother the Sky Pixie, instead of tackling Louisville’s violence problems on a more concrete level? Yeah, that’ll work great, too.
26. Richard Fucking Ameduri. I really can’t do better at responding to this troll’s misogynous inanity than the Mayor of Austin himself, so please read his open letter and enjoy.
27. Andrew Fucking Scheer. What’s this? A memory hole? In the Conservative Party of Canada? And on your personal website, of all places? Oh myyyyyy. What do you suppose Andy Boy is trying to hide, folks?
28. Rick Fucking Santorum. Yes, folks, Icky Ricky Buttsploodge is still out there. Still bloviating. And still trying to stay relevant by claiming that the Sun — which rises and sets daily, without fail — is “unreliable” as a source of renewable energy.
29. Steve Fucking Moore. And then there’s THIS putz, who thinks that old windmills are “proof” that windpower is passé. How much is Big Fossil paying you and Ricky to say those dumb things, Steve?
And finally, to all the idiotic fucking Drumpfites who think that their “God-Emperor” (yes, really) was saying something about “standing up” in Arabic when he made the hilarious typo that broke the Internets. And that it had something to do with Afghanistan. Where Arabic is not an official language, but Indo-Persian tongues such as Pashtu and Dari are. I thought you guys hated Arabic! I thought you believed it was the devil’s own language. Well, it’s obvious to me that you still don’t know the first thing about it, because covfefe isn’t even a word (or a phrase) in it. In fact, I’m not even convinced that you fuckin’ ass-barnacles are proficient in English.
Good night, and get fucked!