Wankers of the Week: The Great Witch Hunt of ’17


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Crooked Donnie, who’s looking more hunted by the minute. And he is, but not for witchcraft. No, it’s obstruction of justice they’re on him for, and that’s probably what will do his presiduncy in, when it finally comes down to it. And here’s who else is on my keeker this week, in no particular order:

1. Michael Fucking Williams. How stupid are Georgia state senators of the Repug persuasion? Stupid enough to think that white-supremacist anti-government “militia” goons are “patriots”. Um, dude? They’re against you, too. You’re the fucking GOVERNMENT!

2. Marilyn Fucking Gladu. I don’t know how to smoke pot with a toaster oven, but I bet she does. And I bet her oven’s gas-powered, too!

3. Andrew Fucking Snelling. Good feckin’ lard. Where did this guy get his geology doctorate, a diploma mill? No, wait, lemme guess…Liberty “University”, right?


4. Tommy Fucking Robinson. Riddle me this: How can you hold a “march against hate”…and end up doing all kinds of hateful shit yourself? Oh yeah, I forgot…it’s the EDL. Shit’s not supposed to be morally consistent. The only “hate” they can see is what they project on others.

5. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Awww, da widdle pwincess haz a sad. Sorry, honey, I’m all out of crocodile tears after seeing how vicious your entire fucking clan is. Especially that greedheaded prep school boy you married.

6. Mike Fucking Pence. And speaking of vicious: Dude, dafuq are you expecting? You really want Democrats to trash all the work they’ve done trying to make healthcare more affordable? Oh yeah, I forgot: You’re Dear Leader’s dumb henchman, so of course you do! PS: Ha, ha.


7. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Congrats, girl, you just found out what “no platform” means. A pity you couldn’t learn it BEFORE booking one of the biggest tinfoil-hatted hatemongers in the country!

8. Louie Fucking Gohmert. If justice is your idea of a “conspiracy”, you just might be a criminal. You might also be incredibly fucking stupid. In short, you might just be Gomer.

9. Dana Fucking Rohrabacher. If a terrorist attack in Tehran is your idea of a “good thing”, you just might be a criminal. You might also be a moral monster. In short, you might just be Taliban Dan, the mujahideen’s man in Washington.


10. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Amazing how he can suddenly forget everything, including his own name, right on cue. What do you suppose he’s hiding?

11. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Amazing how he’ll do just about anything to jockey for a job/try to stay relevant. Newty, you’ve been irrelevant for nearly 20 years now. Siddown and shuddup.

12. Matt Fucking Forney. Amazing how there is literally no depth to which he cannot shamelessly sink. And this week, it was slamming the victims of the Pulse massacre of one year ago…allegedly, for doing the very things that Matty, in his pickup artist days, would actually peddle as advice — shamelessly cribbing from other (unsuccessful) pickup artists to make money for himself. Of course, it’s different when snowflakey straight guys who hate women do it!


13. Marc Fucking Kasowitz. If I were you, bub, I wouldn’t go around bragging about getting Preet Bharara fired. He’s ten times the lawyer that you are, and he could sue your ass right out from under you, even if he’s not currently in a position to prosecute it out from under you.

14. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yes, that’s right. Diaper Don made the cut again this week…by wanking over a massacre that wasn’t. And politicizing it when he swore he’d stay out of politics. And railing against the New York elites, conveniently forgetting his own home address and socioeconomic status. Dude, you owe me a new irony meter.

15. Chris Fucking Collins. Aaand look who joined Diaper Don’s widdle circle jerk. “Tone down the rhetoric”, he says? Start with your own side, dude, that’s where the “alt”-right came from! In fact, start with your boss…he’s the one who told his supporters to beat up protesters.


16. Rand Fucking Paul. Oopsie! Is someone haunted by the shit he said? Buckle up, buttercup, you said a lot of dumb things…and all of them are gonna come back to bite you!

17. Rick Fucking Brattin. Sorry, dude, but gay people ARE human. What you said about them, however, is quite another story.

18. Dave Fucking Daubenmire. Lynching threats get an “amen” from this radio huckster? How about a sudden, precipitous loss of sponsors…can I get an amen to that?


19. Steve Fucking Scalise. Riddle me this: How does a Repug who professes to abhor white supremacism…find himself speaking at a white-supremacist event hosted by, of all people, David Fucking Duke? I don’t know how to square that circle, but I do know one thing: I’m not sorry he was shot anymore. PS: RESIGN. Or at least thank the queer black woman who saved your sorry, racist, homophobic ass.

20. Steve Fucking King. He’s been so busy blaming Obama for everything from hangnails to constipation for the last eight years. Hey, why stop now? Why not blame him for he had absolutely nothing to do with, simply because he’s black, and as we all know, black people are always to blame for everything?

21. Gene Fucking Simmons. He wants to trademark WHAT? Dude, every Italian in the world is casting a finger-hex on you as we speak. And BTW, I’m trademarking the middle-finger salute so you can’t have it!


22. Michael Fucking Weiner. Irrelevant angry codger says WHAT? Dude, be careful what you wish for. Breitbart is already as good as moved into the White House, and FUX Snooze, like you, has been in the pocket of Repug politicians for as long as they’ve been on air.

23. Patrick Fucking Neville. Profiteering off a mass shooting? That is oh, SO very Repugnican. PS: I hope you fucking LOSE, you bastard.

24. Mike Fucking Moon. Beheading a chicken on Facebook is “pro-life”? Oh yeah. What else can we expect from a gross fucking idiot who thinks abortion is somehow equivalent to slavery?


25. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Oh my, aren’t WE important all of a sudden? Don’t worry, dear, most of the Internet barely knows who you are. And fewer would care than you think.

26. Rex Fucking Tillerson. Uh oh, SOMEBODY doesn’t remember what happened the last time the US attempted régime change in Iran. Or the blowback that has been blowing back ever the fuck since.

27. Richard Fucking Spencer. When even the official religion of white supremacy finally, belatedly decides to come to Jesus, Dickie of course tries to point to a doctrine that didn’t come from Jesus, but from the most misguided apostle after Judas Iscariot. Perhaps more punches are in order until he, too, sees the light?


28. Michael Fucking Cohen. How crooked is Donnie Drumpf? So crooked that his own lawyer…had to hire a lawyer. You can’t make this shit up, folks.

29. Nick Fucking Hurd. And speaking of crooked, get a load what’s going on across the pond. The same Tory government that voted against fire code regulations to make cheap housing fit for human habitation…is full of slumlords. And one of them is this asshole, who is actually the minister responsible for fire safety. Off with his fucking head!

30. Theresa Fucking May. True, the British PM is a HUGE wanker at the best of times, and probably even in her sleep. But this week, she really outdid herself…by not doing something that any decent head of government SHOULD do. Namely, visiting with the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire. No doubt because they’d have blasted her with all sorts of questions she didn’t want to answer, and all sorts of demands that she definitely doesn’t want to take responsibility for…especially not since hers is a government of cheap, nasty slumlords, as noted above.


And finally, to Ezra Fucking Levant. He and his “Rebel Media” are throwing a little shindig tomorrow night, and it promises to be a real shitshow. And I think he knows it, too, because he didn’t want to let any actual, honest media in to cover all the flying antisemitism, racism, sexism and general xenophobic hatemongering. Well, the joke’s on him, because the same campaign that’s fighting Breitbart so successfully south of the border…is coming north of the border, and it’s only a matter of time before neither of these hate-sites can find any more advertisers willing to be seen there. Ha, ha!

Good night, and get fucked!

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