Wankers of the Week: The stupid season begins

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to Donnie, whose growing legal woes are going to be even more painful to watch than his ass in tennis shorts. Know what isn’t painful, but ought to be? Teh Stoopid. And here’s who was so full of it this week that they ought to be doubled over in agony for the rest of their sorry lives, in no particular order:

1. Steve Fucking Scalise. Never mind that a gay black woman saved his worthless life. No, this guy still endorses the homophobic bigot in the Georgia special election! You know, the one who doesn’t believe in living wages? Suddenly, I’m not sorry he was shot.

2. Kayla Fucking Hart. Bawwww. Special Snowflake doesn’t like having her own bigotry thrown back at her. My heart, it bleedeth…NOT.

3. Steve Fucking Bannon. He called Sean Spicer fat? Uh, Ginblossoms…have you looked in a mirror lately? Because if you did, you’d see a pot that looks remarkably like a kettle!

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4. Richard Fucking Gear Fucking Evans. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how nasty he is. And because he’s the son of the guy who rented that terrorist in London the van he rammed into the crowd of Muslims gathered at the Finsbury Park Mosque. He, of all people, should know enough to keep his mouth shut and not make the old man look worse!

5. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Racist attorney general has to hire a lawyer, so he hires a racist that defended a racist “Christian” school that banned interracial dating. Could he possibly be more in character? Oh, only if he donned his hooded sheet and burned a cross on the courthouse lawn.

6. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. She thinks liberals can’t shoot straight? Big words coming from someone who can’t drive straight.

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7. Erick Fucking Erickson. Hey, stoopid…you do realize that while you’re so busy pointing the finger at the left, three more fingers are pointing right back at you…right?

8. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Oh dear. It’s not going at all well for Me-Me-MEgyn, is it? She thought she’d inject a little fake-news right-wing sensationalism (like she did at FUX Snooze) into regular news programming, and it all leapt up and bit her on the ass. Do you suppose she’ll learn from this? Or will she go on being a bullhorn for blowhards?

9. Shlomo Fucking Mlmad. In case any of you were wondering what Israel’s agenda for Palestine is, let him spell it out for you: He’s tired of trying to starve the Palestinians out, and is now trying to POISON them out. And yes, he’s trying to do it by poisoning the wells of the West Bank. I’m sure he’ll even find a scripture that says it’s okay, just as another of his ilk said it was okay for the IDF to rape “enemy” women.

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10. Rick Fucking Perry. Riddle me this: How the hell does a minister for energy get off being a climate-change denier? Answer: Donnie Dumbfuck appointed him. How else?

11. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Go ahead and gloat on the tweeter like your brainless boss, you fucking ghoul. But the midterm elections are now just a little over a year away, and your side is gonna get creamed when anger at Dumb Donnie finally hits critical mass. As it is, you’re passing no actual laws, and Obamacare is still in place. Who should be gloating? Not you, that’s for damn sure. You have nothing to boast about.

12. Kellie Fucking Leitch. Sit down and shut up about the eeeeevil Syrians, woman. Your own party rejected you as a leadership candidate based on that. Can’t you take a hint?

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13. Alex Fucking Jones. The Commies are coming! The Commies are coming! Actually, they’re already here. They have been for decades, and they’ve been absolutely no threat. This professional liar, on the other hand, would wreck your sanity if you let him. He’s already trashed his own.

14. Sean Fucking Spicer. And speaking of professional liars, how about him? He claims the major media want to become “snarky YouTube stars”. Is that a hint as to what your next gig will be, Spicey?

15. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Meanwhile, in the land of washed-up ex-mayors, we have another professional liar. And he’s actively promoting overt racism. Could he possibly embarrass himself any harder?

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16. Tom Fucking Cotton. Uh, dude? You might want to vet your future interns better. I guess it’s asking too much to say you too should resign, huh?

17. Pauline Fucking Hanson. Newsflash: Kids with autism often CAN integrate into a classroom full of neurotypicals. And perform just as well, if not better. Segregating them out is practically dooming them to fail, and it’s also dooming the other kids to be fearful, ignorant and segregationist…like YOU.

18. Jeffrey Fucking Dillon. Oh gee, what a shame that you live in progressive ol’ Left Coast California and not one of those states with the mow-‘em-down laws, eh? And what a shame that you tried to pull your little White Privilege Club stunt in San Francisco…a city with a long and loud tradition of leftist protest, and where even the cops have zero patience for far-right shit. But you’re totally not racist, even though you called your mail-order bride a “slant eye import”! Little wonder no white woman would have you, not even a racist one.

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19. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh, how the mighty have fallen…oh, wait. You’re the half-term governor, Quitbull of Alaska.You hang out with pants-shitting, kid-diddling draft dodgers who wet themselves all over again when they see what their rhetoric has begotten. Of course you’d sink to this level. You were never far above it anyhow! (Also, you’re an incredibly shitty writer!)

20. James Fucking Sears. And speaking of incredibly shitty writers: Look, you guys! Dimitri the Hater is getting sued again! And this time, it’s for stochastic terrorism against someone who’s gone toe to toe with him in court before. Here’s a broad hint for all you skeevy racists and other assorted scumbags out there: Do not, EVER, even obliquely, express the wish that someone would kill your enemies. Because it’s still you who will be going to jail for it…or losing a bundle in legal fees trying to stay out of there.

21. Marc Fucking Emery. “If you’ve got a dick, you’re not a woman. Period.”? Well, by that token: If you are a dick, you’re not a man…OR a woman. You’re a wanker. Period.

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22. Rick Fucking Wiles. Suddenly, Russia isn’t the Evil Empire anymore. What changed? Well, certainly not the Religious Reich; it’s as incomprehensibly fucked-up and devil-happy as ever. But now it’s taken to burning the flag, probably because there’s been a black man in the White House for the last eight years, and somebody’s got to exorcise the place somehow!

23. Bill Fucking Cosby. Fresh off the hook for drugging and rape, and what is he planning on doing with the rest of his life, such as it is? Why, more speaking at colleges…about what a great aphrodisiac Quaaludes are, no doubt. Isn’t that kind of a violation of their date-rape-prevention measures? Special (dis)credit to ol’ Bill’s publicists, Andrew Fucking Wyatt and Ebonee Fucking Benson, for heaping the insults on top of the injuries!

24. Nikki Fucking Samuel. Oh surprise! Our white-grievance Mom of the Year, who was caught demanding a white doctor for her kid at a walk-in clinic, has a non-white partner…and her son is not so white, either! If it weren’t so commonplace, this kind of hypocrisy would be gob-smacking. The real question is, what makes HER such a special snowflake?

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25. Anthony Fucking Furey. No, we do NOT owe Kellie Fucking Leitch an apology. She owes us. And so do you, for writing this drivel in defence of her dog-whistling racism (and pretending you didn’t hear what we all know you damn well DID).

26. Don Fucking Rae. Wow. Racist much? Sexist much? Trans- and homophobe much? Unfunny sense of humor much? And just think, people…this guy is the president of an oil-field drilling company. Let it never be said that the scum doesn’t rise. In the oil patch, it goes straight to the top!

27. Brian Fucking Pallister. A “reconciliation” tour where he doesn’t actually meet with any indigenous people to, you know, RECONCILE? But he always has time for Tory fundraisers. Priorities!

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28. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. What does Da Berluscoglioni like about Donnie Drumpf? What else: His trophy wife. Probably wants to invite her to one of his bunga-bunga parties, too.

29. Brooke Fucking Goldstein. Shorter: “Palestinians don’t exist, and I say we wipe them off the map!” Yeah…she seems nice.

30. Kevin Fucking Johnston. What the fuck was the self-styled “Talkmaster” doing outside a Peel Region school? Calling Muslim schoolkids “rapists”, causing a public nuisance, and getting away with it…oh sorry, “exercizing his right to Freeze Peach”. Sign the petition and share widely, folks.

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And finally, to all the fucking paid protesters of the far right who disrupted a free performance of Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. For people who are so hellbent on saving Western Civilization™ from the “barbarians” (note the quotes, there for a reason), you sure are a cultureless bunch of brain-dead baboons. But we see you, and now that we know what you’re about, nobody’s gonna be fooled by your fauxtest. You’re gonna have to find some other way to get our attention (and our mockery, which you richly deserve) from now on.

Good night, and get fucked!

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