Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the dudes who claim their childhoods — which are all behind them now — have been taken from them by a female Time Lord, also named Dr. Who, just like the twelve other Doctors who went before her. Snowflake diddums. And here’s who else is getting no real pity from me this week:
1. Arron Fucking Banks. Who’s a Nazi? YOU’s a Nazi! And when even your own supporters are saying so (and alarmed at it), that might be a good time to shut the fuck up with the Nazi-talk.
2. Tzipi Fucking Hotoveli. And speaking of Nazis, even the Israeli parliament is apparently rife with them, if this one’s any indication. Whatever happened to “Never Again”? Oh yeah…it turned into “Never Again…Unless WE Do It!”
3. Candice Fucking Jackson. Le fucking SIGH. I knew that anybody associated with Betsy Fucking DeVos would be a piece of shit, but man, does this one’s grasp of sexual assault statistics ever STINK. PS: Ha, ha!
4. Todd Fucking Starnes. Relax, dopey. Nobody’s trying to have your beloved Diaper Don executed. Most decent people will be quite content if he’s jailed for treason…for life. Along with his brother and his dad.
5. Eric Fucking Drumpf. And speaking of Diaper Don’s douchey bro, guess who tried it with Keith Olbermann? Yeah…THIS GUY. Who promptly got his head mixed up with a punching bag.
6. Jeanine Fucking Pirro. Once more, the question must be asked: WHAT FUCKING DIPLOMA MILL GRANTED HER A LAW DEGREE? Just think, people, this one used to be a judge. I sure would hate to have gone up before her on any case, because probity is not even in her vocabulary.
7. Brit Fucking Hume. If covering people with pre-existing conditions “defeats the whole idea of insurance”, then maybe the whole idea of insurance needs to become a relic of the past. Because last time I looked, being born was a pre-existing condition. And in your case, so’s being born stupid as skunk shit.
8. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. If God has a plan for North Korea, why hasn’t he executed it yet? For that matter, why didn’t he do it decades ago, when North Korea became a thing? Also, did you know that you don’t get to decree things to supreme beings? Just putting that out there.
9. Gwyneth Fucking Paltrow. Hey there, Goopy Girl! I sure do hope you never need a real doctor when one of your personally endorsed snake oils ends up poisoning you. Because at the rate you’re going, you’re going to alienate everybody in the medical profession who actually has the knowledge that might help you.
10. David Fucking Brooks. No, complicated sandwich menus are not the problem. Back when Karl Marx first diagnosed it, there were NO sandwich menus. Would you care to try again, sir?
11. Cheryl Fucking Gallant. What is this — This Hour Has 22 Morons? No, wait, there’s just one of her, but she’s definitely dumb enough for 22. And being thus, she also hasn’t yet realized that her Make Canada Drumpflandia strategy didn’t work so well for Kellie Fucking Leitch, either.
12. Nigel Fucking Farage. Man, this FBI Russiagate investigation is the booby trap that just keeps on trappin’ them boobies…and whaddya know, here comes another one!
13. Laura Fucking Loomer. How do you say “fucking idiot” in Hebrew? I don’t know. But I have a strong feeling it involves simply saying this one’s name.
14. Tomi Fucking Lahren. “Liberty” is all very well and good, sweetie, but it doesn’t exactly pay one’s medical bills. I hear it’s a terrific way to die before one’s time, though! Especially if it involves a whole lotta stoopid…and guns.
15. Andrew Fucking Scheer. Oh dear. Looks like someone didn’t get the message that Omar Khadr is innocent and thus, entitled to every last dollar of that compensation he was awarded. Michelle, could you please set him straight, too, while you’re at it?
16. Caitlyn Fucking Jenner. Why no, dear, that won’t alienate the transgender women’s community at ALL! And neither, I’m sure, will your running as a Repug.
17. Grant Fucking Stinchfield. In case you were wondering if the NRA is really racist, here he is, laying it out for you in black and white: Yes. Yes, it is. So much so that it should change its name to the National Racist Association.
18. Steve Fucking Bannon. Oh, Nazi Ginblossoms…you got some ’splainin’ to do. To the tune of a good $2 million.
19. O.J. Fucking Simpson. Because it just wouldn’t be a wankapedia without an actual wanker whacking off for reals, here you go. Guess who caught jerkin’ it by a female prison guard? Yup. THIS guy. And now we know what his next “If I Did It” book is gonna be about. Brace yourselves, folks. PS: Oh gawd, he’s still getting parole. Most definitely brace yourselves!
20. Michael Fucking Vick. Colin Kaepernick should do WHAT? Um, no. If that’s the price of returning to football, fuck it. The man has integrity. What have YOU done with YOUR life?
21. Matt Fucking Boyle. Hate to disappoint you, fucko, but the mainstream media aren’t going anywhere. Unlike Breitbart, they’re not losing advertisers. And they’re not reliant on rich, idiotic patrons being willing to flush away money on them, either.
22. Joffre Fucking McCleary. I never heard of him before this week, and after this week, I hope never to hear of him again. Because damn, that is some urghly racism he’s got going on there. Not to mention an awful lot of white mythology. Dear folks at the Barrie Examiner, why do you give this drivel any column inches? It doesn’t reflect well on you. Hire some actual talent, why don’t you?
23. Paul Fucking Congemi. “Go Back to Africa”? That’s so original. What part of the world did YOUR ancestors come from again, mister? Because I think you should go back there, too.
24. David Fucking Narramore. Oh looky. Another “family values” Repug with a wide stance! Why do these guys all try to pass legislation against trans women in public washrooms? Because that’s where they, the most cis of cisgendered males, do THEIR dirty dancing.
25. Sam Fucking Clovis. Riddle me this: How does one become a “chief scientist” with no scientific background whatsofuckingever? Simple: Be a crony of Donnie Fucking Drumpf, and you’re a made man…particularly in any field where you intend to leave a trail of wreckage.
26. John K. Fucking Bush. And again, riddle me this: How does one become a powerful appeals court judge? Simple: Be a right-wing shit-blogger who posts lots of homophobia and pretends it’s just a joke. So funny, I forgot to laugh, ha ha.
27. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because nepotism and stupidity, that’s why. But again: What else do you expect of Donnie Fucking Drumpf? He loves nepotism! AND he loves uneducated people!
28. Cory Fucking Booker. Just a gentle reminder to all this guy’s Democratic-voting fans that he is not a progressive. And that he’s a knee-jerk Zionist, to boot. Okay, you can go back to sleep now.
29. Paul Fucking Ryan. How’s it feel to be protested by every living former director of the Congressional Budgetary Office for not knowing how to work the legislative process? Ha, ha.
30. Justin Fucking Trudeau. Yes, that’s right, our lovely, sunny-wayed PM made the cut again this week! And this time, he did it by fiddling with marshmallows in Nova Scotia while BC burned. But hey! He’s a feminist marshmallow-fiddler, you guys!
And finally, to two imbecilesses who think they know what’s best for kids but they don’t, they really REALLY don’t. Betsy Fucking DeVos, who knows nothing about education except how to wreck it, decided to insult everyone who actually gave a damn if kids were learning (a thing which “school choice” does nothing to guarantee, and everything to undermine). And Elizabeth Fucking Johnston, who’s burning copies of Teen Vogue because they dared to print an article giving all the facts on (gasp!) anal sex. It may or may not interest her to know that this is nothing new under the Sun; when I was last in Germany, around the age of 18 or 20, I saw magazines aimed at teen girls that were giving comprehensive info on how to have all kinds of sex. And when I was 17, I had a secondhand copy of Cosmopolitan that also had a pull-out how-to guide to all kinds of sex, including THAT one. Know what I did with all that scandalous info? Filed it for future reference, since I didn’t have a boyfriend and knew I wasn’t ready to have any kind of sex yet. And made up my mind about which sexual practices I’d rather not engage in, too. But hey! You do you, “Christian” ladies. Just don’t do it around any impressionable children! You are living proof that it’s not just the overly open-minded whose brains are falling out; the closed-minded seem to have closed their minds off after the fact.
Good night, and get fucked!