Wankers of the Week: Total Eclipse of the Fart

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to Donnie, who is once again MIA (and a cowardly fuck) as a disaster is about to strike the coast of Texas. It’s almost enough to make one nostalgic for Dubya and ol’ Drownie Brownie, isn’t it? Well, don’t be; remember Katrina? That’s what’s promising to happen to Texas too, now. And in the realm of not-so natural disasters, we have, in no particular order:

1. Bryan Fucking Zollinger. I’ve heard some real doozers when it comes to false-flag conspiracy theories around Charlottesville, but really — blaming Barack Obama? He was nowhere near the spot. How about blaming those who were actually responsible — far-right Drumpf supporters?

2. Allen Fucking Armentrout. Yeah, surprise: Confederate cosplay and saying Robert E. Lee was a “great American” has consequences! And getting flipped off by a woman is only the beginning. Good luck getting a job, BTW.

3. Keith Fucking Lipiec. Oh sure, fly a Confederate flag over a construction site in Hamilton…ONTARIO. For shits and giggles. Because racism and slavery are such a joke, amirite? And if you lose your job over it, no biggie, eh? Shits ’n’ giggles, right? Ha, ha.

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4. Jim Fucking Bakker. If God was so mad AT the Obama years, why wasn’t She mad DURING the Obama years? And how could Obama have “invented transgenderism” when it has existed as long as humanity itself has done? I have so many questions.

5. Jax Fucking Taylor. I have no idea who this dude is, but he sure smells like a two-bit gigolo to me. Dude, there are entire websites and Twitter hashtags dedicated to slut-shaming half-naked dudes. Has it ever occurred to you to, you know, NOT BE A DOUCHEBAG?

6. Malcolm Fucking Turnbull. Posters that lie about LGBT+ people are just part of a democratic debate? Nuh-unh, dude…nobody gets to “debate” away others’ basic human rights. Especially not with false statistics.

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7. Tiffany Fucking Drumpf. I don’t know how the hell one spends $100,000 (US) on car rentals in Italy, but apparently she does. And I have no words.

8. Ally Fucking Miller. Whatsamatter, snowflake? Can’t show your face in public since you’ve outed yourself as a white supremacist? So much for White Pride! I guess that imaginary white shame you were so busy denouncing is now a self-fulfilling prophecy. And ironic as all hell.

9. Katrina Fucking Pierson. Slavery is “good history”? Only if you’re on the side of the slavers. For everyone who was NOT a slave owner, however, it was an unmitigated disaster.

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10. Louise Fucking Linton. Who you callin’ “adorably out of touch”? As a matter of fact, honey, ordinary people HAVE given more to the US economy than you or your husband — or indeed, both of you leeches combined. They are the makers, you are the takers. Their unpaid wages and foreclosed mortgages paid for your collection of Birkin bags. Don’t fucking tell me you “earned” those overpriced trinkets by selling your self-published book-o-lies…or by sexually servicing Steve Fucking Mnuchin. (The latter, I’ll grant, is a self-sacrifice of sorts, but it’s hardly something to brag about.) PS: Too late, stupid, your damage is done. PPS: Care to explain this, Madame Antoinette? PPPS: Ha, ha, ha!

11. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Can you say “petty”, boys and girls? Good. Now say “More jail time for Pharma Bro.” Very good!

12. Pamela Fucking Geller. Bawww, is widdle snowflake upset that Paypal finally banned her? DIDDUMS! Also, those “leftists running amok” in pre-war Germany? A lot of them were Jews. But then again, this is the leading self-hating Jew we’re talking about here, so don’t expect much logic from her.

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13. Ayla Fucking Stewart. Bawww, is widdle snowflake upset that the Mormon church finally came out against racism? DIDDUMS! You can quit pretending now that you’re doing it for your kids, because everyone knows that racists are the most supremely selfish people there are. Why else would they hate anyone who didn’t look like them?

14. Rick Fucking Joyner. White supremacism is Obama’s fault? Uh, dude…learn some history. And learn exactly when the KKK was founded. You’ll notice that Obama wasn’t even born then.

15. Nathan Fucking Cooper. Why?

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Because dental care and abortion care are not interchangeable, as much as he’d like to switch their places. They are both healthcare, and both should be paid for by taxes. There is nothing crazy about that. THAT’s why. But trust an Alberta conservative to get it all mixed up. If these guys were bright, they wouldn’t be conservative!

16. Phil Fucking Ryan. A Confederate statue is not private property. Nobody is justified in using force to prevent it being torn down. It is a public monument, and if the public decides it should no longer be there, it should no longer be there. See how simple that is? And see how wrong you are?

17. Graham Fucking Carlise. If you’re going to ram protesters with a car, ram them with your OWN damn car, you big-mouthed coward.

18. Heather Fucking Taylor. Any teenage girl larger than a size 2 looks “fat” if she wears leggings? Um, NO. Internalized misogyny much? Or are you trying to give them all eating disorders?

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19. Jerry Fucking Travone. See what happens when you let your hate flag fly? You lose a lot more than just your shit.

20. Mike Fucking Duffy. It’s been a while since I listed Puffy, but lo and behold, he’s wanking again. And this time, it’s all about how unfairly he was treated in the Senate spending scandal. Unfair, Mikey? No, I’ll tell you what’s unfair: Regular Canadians being on the hook for all your exercises in creative accounting!

21. Andrew Fucking Dodson. Oh, so you think any guy who wears khakis can’t be that bad, eh? Well, Hitler wore ‘em. And he was also big on chants of “Blood and Soil” and blaming the Jews for trying to destroy and replace white people, which you were apparently able to do without batting an eyelash and wondering if you were one of the racists. (Spoiler: You totally were, and still are.)

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22. James Fucking Cameron. “Sarah Connor wasn’t a beauty icon”? Tell that to all the women who knocked themselves out trying to get Linda Hamilton’s impressive arms and chiseled jawline for themselves, you old fool. And thanks so much for the macho “character” standards, too.

23. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi. Why are you and your thin-skinned wife such disingenuous shit-asses? PS: Ha, ha.

24. James Fucking Cobo. Threatening vehicular homicide on Facebook? That’s a paddlin’. Or in your case, a job down the drain. Whining about how no one can take a joke, though? That’s fucking hilarious.

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25. Jason Fucking Kenney. No, dear, Teh Ghey is not contagious. But coming out of the closet just might be. So it’s no wonder he won’t be showing up at Calgary Pride to talk LGBT+ rights.

26. Rob Fucking Tracy. So, who’s to blame if you can’t read a clearly posted price list on an ice-cream truck? Certainly not the vendor who threw the cone that hit you in the back, no matter how much you kvetch about how it could have blinded you if the pointy end of it hit you in the face…which it didn’t. Nope, you were apparently blind already. Can’t blame the ice-cream man for that!

27. Michael James Fucking Holt. No, killing people won’t get you laid. At ALL. Nobody loves a gun-obsessed white supremacist kiddie-porn creeper, duh.

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28. Kimberly Fucking Stidham. Racist memes are vile enough, but Toby Fucking Keith’s crap lyrics on top of it all? That’s a motherfuckin’ wank. A school principal should know better. (And should have better taste, too.)

29. Nick Fucking Wadien. Well, finally. A Nazi who admits (however briefly) that he is one! Too bad that’s about as honest as he gets. I’m willing to bet that the Muslim family he called “turbaners” did nothing to him at all, except appear within his line of sight. That’s apparently all it takes to set off a xenophobe.

30. Theodore Fucking Beale. A busted ass smear campaign that “communicates truth without necessarily being literally truthful in the details”? Sounds to me like lying…or, in the case of Teddy Boy, no doubt, it’s just “alt-truth”.

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And finally, to the fucking Texas senators who voted against aid for victims of Hurricane Sandy, but who are awfully quick off the mark requesting funds ahead of the imminent arrival of Hurricane Harvey. Funny how your compassion only rears its puny little head when your voting constitutents’ necks are on the line. Calling you hypocrites would be a terrible insult to hypocrisy.

Good night, and get fucked!

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