Wankers of the Week: Hurricane Donnie hits Houston


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to the unlucky folks in Houston, who are treading water right now, STILL. Hang tight, y’all, you haven’t been forgotten, even if your presidunce HAS decided to turn your misfortune into one big, dumb egoboo session. And here’s who else is doggy-paddling in a sea of doo-doo this week, in no particular order:

1. Joel Fucking Osteen. If you need a good reason why megachurches should be taxed, look no further. This preacher-man is all too happy to milk that ol’ cash cow during fair weather, but during foul, is he practicing what he preaches? NOOOOOOOO! Instead, he’s busy schmoozing for even MORE dinero he doesn’t actually need, and won’t be using to help anyone who DOES need it. PS: Lame excuse is limping awfully hard, dude.

2. Cathy Fucking Miller. And while we’re on the subject of whited sepulchres preaching one thing and practicing another, how about her? She doesn’t “condone” same-sex weddings…which will happen whether or not she’s there to approve. And whether or not she’s willing to make any money furnishing them a cake.

3. Bobby Fucking Ritter. Aren’t tattoos cool? Not only do they make you look badass (sometimes), they also make you look like a plain ol’ ass when people recognize yours in a neo-Nazi march where your face is covered. Busted!


4. Paul Fucking LePage. Hey Maine, you might want to look into impeaching your hateful-ass governor and barring him from politics for life. Just sayin’.

5. Renee Fucking Baio. No, you know whose ugliness knows no bounds, lady? YOURS. Don’t bother praying, because if there IS a God, I’m pretty sure she’s sick and tired of you and your husband’s conspiracy-theorist filth.

6. Theodore Fucking Beale. Guy who writes crap fiction (including far-right manuals on How to Alpha Male, in which he glorifies rape) calls leftists “liars”, smears them with a proven-false channer campaign claiming that they support domestic violence (read: woman abuse), then demands that someone read his shitty book that no one in their right mind would. And he thinks he’s on a level with Aristotle, too. I would charge him for the new irony meter he owes me, but even the manufacturer is fresh out.


7. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Oh, what a shame. Wile E. Nazi is out of the White House! He may be gone, but he is far from forgotten. And he’s making sure that everyone can hear him whining about it for miles around, too. PS: Hey, Sooper Genius…did you also get your driver’s licence from a Hungarian diploma mill? Ha, ha.

8. Jillian Fucking Mele. Riddle me this: Why do police need tanks and grenades to handle protests? Answer: They don’t. Unless, of course, you’re looking to generate excuses for a fascist police state, as all of FUX Snooze apparently is.

9. Joshua Fucking Witt. Some people are too dumb to boil toast. Others, too stupid to get a knife out of its packaging without stabbing themselves and then blaming it on Antifa and their own dumb fashy haircuts.


10. Peter Fucking Cvjetanovic. Oh looky, the Angry Snowflake Boy is still mad. But he wants PEACE, you guys! Meaning, he wants you to forget all about the fact that he joined a racist hate group on a racist hate march to protect a racist hate statue. He just wants to get his poli-sci degree without being frowned at! How about FUCK NO!?

11. Tom Fucking Llamas. PSA for journos who don’t get it: People taking food from supermarkets that can’t sell it aren’t “looting”, they are HUNGRY. And they are cleaning up what would only get thrown away afterwards anyway. Didn’t Katrina teach you anything? And BTW: What color were those “looting” people, anyway? Betcha they were black! PS: Sign, sign, sign!

12. Richard Fucking Preston. And speaking of racist blame-assigners: Get a load of who fired off a gun while yelling “nigger-nigger-nigger” at a black man. Yeah. This fucking Kluker. Who thinks the authorities in Charlottesville were responsible for letting violence break out. I guess, in a way, the dumbfuck is right. I mean, who else granted all these Klukers and neo-Nazis and other assorted “alt”-righturds a permit to be there, anyway?


13. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. While Donnie Tinyhands is busy bragging about the crowds he drew in Houston (without actually meeting with any flood victims!), she’s peddling “alternative facts” to Patwa on his crapaganda show. And they’re so “alternative” that she’s managed to somehow magically turn him into the essence of humility and Higher Callings. Irony meter sales are off the charts, folks.

14. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because there is literally nothing that the Coultergeist, with her reverse Midas touch, can’t turn into a mountain of horseshit, how about blaming the former mayor of Houston, who happened to be a gay woman, for the hurricane? Never mind that the current mayor is a black man who is not, to my knowledge, gay. And of course, she had to throw climate-change denialism into the mix, too. Because like #13, she’s a bleach-brained wank whose bread and butter is “alternative facts”!

15. Eric Fucking Hauser. Just think, kiddies, this racist — oh sorry, “alt-right” — numpty nincompoop used to be an assistant principal of an actual school. And now he’s a copyright-infringer who’s on the hook for stealing a cartoon frog who was stolen countless times already to justify racism, fascism, Islamophobia, and Bog only knows what all else. And he wrote what sounds like the world’s shittiest children’s book around said frog, too. But hey! At least he’s paying for it. And all the proceeds are going to CAIR. Ha, ha!


16. Christopher Fucking Cantwell. Boo-hoo, Crying Nazi doesn’t like his new nickname! Well, suck it up, buttercup. And fuck yo’ feelings!

17. Tomi Fucking Lahren. And this week, in Most Unsurprising News Ever, White Grievance Cheerleader gets new gig at FUX Snooze, Home of the Racist Old Poop Leg Cam! Yaaaaaaay…snzzzzzzzzzz.

18. Warren Fucking Love. Lynching those who “vandalize” statues that should never have been erected (during the Jim Crow era, for obvious reasons) in the first place? Why no, that’s not at all related to the wrongs that statue removal is trying to redress!


19. Roger Fucking Grigsby. I don’t know what disgusts me more about this now-unmasked white supremacist: The fact that he contributed to a known Kluker leader’s political campaign, or that for nearly 40 years, he used to run a Chinese restaurant whose name might as well have been “Ah So”. No, dude, you’re not being persecuted for being white, you’re being exposed and criticized for being a fucking idiot. And it sure looks good on you that you’ll have less money to throw at the KKK from now on.

20. Chris Fucking Hedges. False equivalence much? Read up on Nazi Germany again, bucko. You’ll see that nowhere in history was Hitler inspired to create the Third Reich while getting bopped upside the head by leftists, nor were “both sides” to blame for what he did to the Jews. That fallacy is doubly disgusting coming from a supposed progressive. But please, keep playing right into Donnie’s tiny hands. He can use all the help he can get right now, with his popularity swirling so close to the bottom of the bowl.

21. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Why?


That’s why. Also, that “FLOTUS” hat. Tacky Onassis, you sure put the ass in “class”.

22. Sarah Fucking Palin. Too bad, so sad, Screech got laughed out of court. Diddums!

23. Jason Fucking Spencer. Thanks so much for that creepy “warning” to LaDawn Jones, dude. I’m sure she’ll totally take it to heart! #HaHaNOPE

24. Marc Fucking Theissen. And again with the false “Antifa is as bad as fascists, if not worse” narrative. People punching Nazis are as bad as Augusto Pinochet, who had leftists thrown from helicopters over the Pacific ocean? Allllll righty then, stupid. And surprise, surprise: he used to work for Dubya, and now works for the AEI, too. One of the stinkiest right-wing stink tanks, in other words. No wonder he loves him some Pinochetists. Free markets and enslaved people, y’all!


25. Mark Fucking Taylor. I’m sorry, but as soon as I hear someone prattling about “Illuminati” doing anything — even walking a dog — I automatically know that nothing they say is to be taken seriously, but only pointed and laughed at.

26. Kris Fucking Kobach. Oh, look who’s now writing for Bitefart! As if running Kansas into the ground wasn’t lucrative enough. Yeah, bubba, that’s not gonna hurt your reputation one bit…but only because it’s already in the shitter!

27. Rolando Fucking Pablos. Send prayer instead of aid? Yeah, that’ll help. Dude, it’s not God air-dropping parcels of relief supplies out of the sky. Even if your cargo-cult mentality would hold that it is.


28. David Fucking Clarke. While Milwaukee is breathing a huge sigh of relief at losing the Cowboy Fascist Idiot, Washington is bracing itself for a veritable hurricane of stoopid…and it’s not like they don’t have the perfect storm of idiocy already going on over there.

29. Patsy Fucking Capshaw Fucking Skipper. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how disgraceful it is to be both a sore loser AND a stinking racist. And claiming that a White House only “honors God” when the resident is a white right-winger, too.

30. Paul Fucking Joseph Fucking Watson. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how jaw-droppingly idiotic he is for saying that George Orwell, who joined the POUM militia in Catalonia during the Spanish Civil War, would have “hated” Antifa. Dude, the POUM were Antifa. Books: Do you know what they are, and can you even read them? Or are you just doubleplusdumb?


And finally, to all the idiots who think Obama golfed during Hurricane Katrina while his wife went shopping. No, dumbasses, you’re thinking of Dubya and his Auntie Condi (who bought Ferragamo shoes). Obama wasn’t president then, but he did meet with evacuees from Katrina as a senator from Illinois. And when there WAS a hurricane on his White House watch, he was actually presidenting. Unlike you-know-who and his trophy, who barely got their shoes wet.

Good night, and get fucked!

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