Wankers of the Week: Mr. Drumpf goes to the UN


Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to the imaginary citizens of Nambia, who I’m sure are thrilled that Donnie the Dotard’s friends are coming to exploit them while his sons come to shoot all their wildlife into extinction. Proof positive that evolution works the other way, too, and that degeneracy is eating at the heart of whiteness. As are all of these other missing links, in no particular order:

1. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Well, well. Look who’s easy with the insults. Yeah. HER. Who sees no problem in “defending” the most insulting piece of shit in the world from a bit of mild ribbing at the Emmys. Sad!

2. Aaron Fucking Bernstine. Once more for the hard-of-comprehension dude at the back: HITTING PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR ON PURPOSE IS STILL A CRIMINAL OFFENCE, ASSHOLE. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with them politically or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re late for work. None of that shit matters. What matters is that YOU ARE TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE WITH YOUR CAR.

3. Chris Fucking Collins. Oh, so you think Donnie’s Nazi golfball retweet was funny? Maybe someone should bounce a golfball off your head for real. Now THAT would be hilarious!


4. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Going on Drumpf’s favorite platform, Bitefart, to promote crapitalized healthcare à la Drumpf — whom you promised to oppose? Yeah, that sounds super legit. But if you seriously believe you’re going to stop a march towards socialism, I have some bad news: Bernie’s single-payer plan is hugely popular. It’s gaining serious traction. And he’s about to walk all over your sorry ass.

5. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. You “can’t win” a defamation lawsuit? Even if you’re rich enough to afford a much better lawyer than those women you harassed? And when nobody believes harassed women anyway? I’m calling bullshit.

6. Randy Fucking Lowry. Who the fucking HELL decorates with cotton stalks? Those things aren’t even fucking pretty. And neither is serving stereotypical food to black students, motherfucker.


7. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Well, well. Look who’s a failed infiltrator/provocateur! How does it feel to get drummed out of DC by a bunch of people in clown makeup? Ha, ha.

8. Cammie Fucking Rone. Call yourself a teacher? Learn some history, bigot. And stop using that lame “I wuz hackt” excuse, too!

9. Roy Fucking Moore. Well, well. Look who finally let his racism off the leash…and it shat all over the park, which is to say, it trashed all his ambitions. PS: Ha, ha.


10. John Fucking Kennedy. No, not the beloved Democrat who was assassinated in 1963. This apparently unrelated namesake is a southern Repug, and he’s going against the established Repug party line by opposing states’ rights…at least, as far as single-payer healthcare is concerned. Something tells me he’s gonna have a lonely uphill battle there.

11. John Fucking Barrasso. And speaking of lonely uphill battles, there he is out there, twisting in the wind with his “pay up or go die” message. Something that I’m sure will resonate during next year’s midterm elections!

12. Margaret Fucking Court. Canada legalized same-sex marriage a dozen years ago. We still have Christmas. Your argument is invalid!


13. Jerrod Fucking Laber. Hey, it’s not progressives’ fault if conservatives are unlovable. Nobody owes you (a) dates, (b) relationships, (c) sex, or (d) marriage, kids, a house with a white picket fence, and a fucking dog. In fact, no one owes you (e) the time of fucking day, because Donnie Drumpf is on YOU. YOU VOTED FOR HIM. He is fucking with real people’s lives, and you expect to be accommodated by those whose lives he’s doing his damnedest to ruin? Fuck the hell off.

14. Lynne Fucking DiSanto. All Lives Splatter? Yeah, and so does your political career when you endorse vehicular homicide. Adios, idiota.

15. Dylann Fucking Roof. Gunning down nine black people in church because you want a racial “holy war”? That’s a racist murder. Demanding that your court-appointed attorneys be let go because one is Jewish and the other Indian? That’s a racist wank.


16. Gerry Fucking Ritz. He called the minister of the environment “Climate Barbie”? I would be shocked, but what does one really expect of someone whose surname rhymes with Ditz?

17. Mark Fucking Regnerus. Shhhhh, don’t anyone tell Mr. Ignorance that back in the “good” old days when God was everywhere, divorce wasn’t legal, reliable birth control was just a dream, abortions could and DID routinely kill women, and porn was still just a woman diddling a horse in a sepia-toned daguerrotype, men were already running around looking for cheap, meaningless sex. So much so that they were literally abandoning their wives (AND kids!) to run to the Klondike, where prostitution was a booming industry! And for those who couldn’t bear to abandon their burdensome missuses and thus risk looking like a bad spouse, there was always arsenic. But hey — why bring male behavior into it when the problem is, and always has been, the Sin of Eve, and now it’s her refusal to take her “punishment”?

18. Bruce Fucking Gilley. No, the Belgians should NOT go back to the Congo. Their presence there in the first place was likely to blame for the current AIDS pandemic. And shame on the editors of Third World Quarterly for even considering this piece of peer-rejected dreck for publication!


19. Sean Fucking Spicer. You don’t think you’ve ever lied to anyone? Srsly? Dude, your entire JOB was to lie to the US public and the entire world about what Donnie Fucking Drumpf was up to. What you “think” is kind of beside the point, at this point.

20. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because it’s a day ending in -day, of course you just knew that the Coultergeist was going to wank in yet another of her increasingly desperate attempts to become relevant. And of course, you also just knew she would do it by advocating death squads. A “solution” that anyone who endorses it should go to the wall for first, themselves. Hey, fair’s fair, and she’s foul, so nothing of value would be lost!

21. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Yes, Bowtie Boy, we Witches are, indeed, allowed to cast curses on anyoldone we think deserves to be stopped by any means necessary. It’s called freedom of religion, you dumb overpaid yutz. Now begone before somebody drops a house on you!


22. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Surely I can’t be the only one who has noted, in passing, the extreme irony of the so-called FLOTUS being married to the world’s #1 cyberbully…and yet somehow still having the nerve to get up in front of the United Fucking Nations to condemn cyberbullying? Oh good, I’m not.

23. Jeb Fucking Hensarling. And speaking of irony, how about this dude? He’s from Texas — a state well known to be battered not only by hurricanes along the coast, as well as tornadoes further inland — and he claims disastrous weather is “God’s way of telling you to move”? Damn right it is, asshole…it’s God’s way of telling you to move away from superstitious beliefs, such as the idea that weather is being sent by a deity, just to tell you to pull up sticks, pack everything you own, and run like hell from the weather. In fact, it’s nature’s way of telling you that you can’t just pour concrete all over everything and keep heating up the globe like tomorrow doesn’t matter, because it does. It fucking DOES.

24. Mark Fucking Bertolini. Hey, dicksmack? Come on up to Canada before you shoot off your big mouth about single-payer healthcare again. Because we have it, we love it, and we don’t mind paying extra in taxes for it. Oh wait — on second thought, don’t come. We don’t want your kind. You’re not only a mouthy, ignorant piece of shit, you’re exactly the kind of exploiter Tommy Douglas broomed out when he brought in our famous single-payer system, the one you think is “lousy” because it won’t turn any profits for you!


25. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. I can’t believe he’s still showing his ass in public, but god damn if he isn’t. Thankfully, though, his shit keeps flying right back and hitting him in his highly unfabulous face. Ha, ha.

26. Leyla Fucking Aliyeva. And while we’re on the subject of people who shouldn’t be showing any part of themselves in public, here’s the daughter of the dictator of Azerbaijan, mugging it up for her own iPhone at the UN. As though anyone fucking cared.

27. Mike Fucking Pence. When at a loss for words to sell shit that nobody wants, dredge up a fake quote attributed by dumbass flibbertigibbertarians to a long-dead president? Yeah, that’ll work.


28. Gregory Fucking Logan. The Mounties don’t always get their man, but this one apparently always got his narwhal tusks. Which he then smuggled to the US under a false bottom in the trunk of his car. And he would have gotten away with it, too, had it not been for those pesky kids.

29. Frank Fucking Scurlock. Because it wouldn’t be a proper wankapedia without an actual proper wanker, here you go. This one did it in the backseat of an Uber car. Well, I guess that IS one way to “Make New Orleans Fun Again”, but for whom, exactly?

30. Betsy De Fucking Vos. Because favoring the rapist over the victim is and has always been “fairness”. And because protecting victims of sexual assault on campus is soooooo unfair.


And finally, to all the people who think actors should have no political opinions, that country singers should just “shut up and sing” rather than challenge illegal wars, and that comedians can’t possibly understand healthcare. You voted for the buffoon who used to host a crappy glorified game show, and who can’t even keep his African countries straight. And who thinks that threatening will somehow lead to bargaining, instead of a brand new Cold War that’s not looking so cool right now. And the really stupid part is, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE, SO HE SHOULDN’T EVEN BE IN OFFICE. When, oh when, will YOU finally shut up and accept your collective disgrace? When the earth all around you is scorched by a nuclear holocaust? That’ll be too fucking late. At long last, have you no shame?

Good night, and get fucked!

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