Wankers of the Week: There goes Irma, here comes José…


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to everyone in hurricane country, where the water is filthy and the suffering has no end in sight. May you soon get back on your feet again, and may nothing else afflict you, ever. Meanwhile, a pox on all of these wankers, in no particular order:

1. Yair Fucking Netanyahu. First cracker out of the box, and he’s Israeli. And not just ANY Israeli, but the son of Bibi himself. Waxing antisemitic on Facebook. WHILE HIS FAMILY IS UNDER CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION. Triple irony points for THAT, dude!

2. Luke Fucking Howard. Dude, please. She’s seen what she had with you. She didn’t want it. Stop trying to win back someone who didn’t want to be won in the first place. Have some dignity and do your post-relationship grieving in silence and obscurity, like the rest of us.

3. Alveda Fucking King. No, stupid, Donnie did NOT win the “War on Christmas” — BECAUSE THERE NEVER FUCKING WAS ONE, STUPID!


4. Kat Fucking Kerr. “Taking authority over Mother Nature” to stop Hurricane Irma from raining on you? Not with THAT cheesy theatrical prop, you ain’t! (And no, you’re not fooling anyone with your embarrassing backpedal, either!)

5. Elliot Fucking Martinez. Fired for insulting refugees as lousy tippers and cheapskates, and telling them to “go drown”? Golly, who’d of thunk it could have come to this? Tell ya what, kiddo: When YOU have to scavenge for food through floodwaters that reach higher than a rooftop, and risk getting shot for “looting”, let me know how much YOU are willing to tip your server if you’re lucky enough to have enough money to eat out somewhere…anywhere.

6. Kevin Fucking Swanson. If you think the SCOTUS is going to roll back LGBT+ and women’s rights for you, you can fuck right off. And no, dude, your ire doesn’t have the power to kick up a hurricane. So don’t go projecting it on God, dumbass.


7. Matt Fucking Colligan. Whatsamatter, widdle snowflake? Couldn’t take the heat of being outed as a tiki-torch Nazi, so you had to flee to Mexico — which is just about as un-homogeneous a society as you could possibly have racist nightmares about? Diddums!

8. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. How funny are you finding Hurricane Irma now that she’s blown your house away, you fucking twatwaffle? Me, I’m finding some humor in this bad situation after all…and by humor, I mean KARMA.

9. Felix Fucking Kjellberg. Oh surprise, Mr. “I’m not a Nazi, really I’m not” really IS a racist. And probably a Nazi, too. Dear YouTube, why are you still putting up with his shit on your platform? (And, dear Twitter, why are you putting up with his racist idiot supporters on yours?)


10. Louise Fucking Linton. Oh surprise! Looks like Muzungu McAngelhair and her newly-wedded husband DID use public money (and aircraft) for their charming eclipse-tourism jaunt, after all! And it looks like Hubby Dear also tried to do the same for their honeymoon. Hashtag THAT, you disingenuous clotheshorse.

11. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Is that a defensive bleat I hear in the Pigman’s oinkings? Why yes, it is! And a mosquito-like whine about being “witch-hunted”, too. This from the “man” who led the hordes baying for Sandra Fluke’s blood. Remember that? Rusty sure as hell doesn’t.

12. Alex Fucking Jones. Donnie’s being covertly drugged? Nuh-unh, I think he’s coking it up on his own, with no one’s help. And so’s Alex.


13. Ted Fucking Cruz. Who knew he was a porn-hound? Oh, everybody pretty much suspected. But his staff insist he wuz hacked! And the rest of the world is like, “Oh, surrrre. We believe you. (wink)”

14. Daniel Fucking Ehinger. Of course a man would be behind an attempt to get abortion categorized as first-degree murder in California, because of course someone who can’t get pregnant or suffer as a result of being pregnant simply MUST make all the rules as to how pregnant people comport themselves. And of course he also wants to ban effective birth control methods, too, so that unwanted pregnancies are just that much more likely to happen. Danny dear, how about you take it a bit further and tell us to pray for miscarriages being categorized as second-degree murder or manslaughter? Oh. Right. It’s because it would make you look like the utterly heartless, low-logic, sexist asswipe you are, wouldn’t it?

15. Ann Coulter. Why?


That’s why. It’s easy to tweet complete bullshit about Miami when you evacuated to New York well beforehand.

16. Robert Fucking Ritchie. Remind me again why this person is even being allowed to run? Because I’m pretty sure he deserves to be disqualified on any number of grounds…not least of which is he’s a petty, vindictive, trashy, homophobic, RACIST piece of shit.

17. Scott Fucking Pruitt. And just when WOULD be a good time to talk about climate change? After our planet and everything on it has burned to a crisp? Thought so.

18. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Bawwww, snowflake. Triggered into yet another incoherent rant by the mere mention of climate change, were you? Well, don’t worry. When our planet boils to death in its own juices, so too will you. And no amount of FUX-bux can save you. Bwahahahaha.


19. Taylor Fucking Ragg. Oh look, a schoolyard bully is trying to make his never-great country “great again” by bullying a fellow student. Maybe a little deep doo-doo is in order for Donnie’s little ass-barnacle, eh?

20. Jennifer Fucking Bush. No, dear, of COURSE you’re not racist. You just seem to have an awful lot of trouble distinguishing between a Sikh and a Muslim. Has nothing to do with either of them being a brown guy in a turban at all!

21. Richard Fucking Geisenheyner. And again with the “I’m not racist, even when I’m exhibiting all the signs” shit. In this case, the sign was an actual sign offering slaves for sale, as though the Confederate loserwank flag wasn’t sign enough all on its own!


22. Lisa Fucking Kauffman. How the hell does someone working in an addiction-recovery centre for teens manage to mistake a 13-year-old for someone five years older? Oh, simple: Just hire a defence attorney who slurs juvenile rape victims as “temptresses”, that’s how!

23. Martin Fucking Shkreli. Finally, FINALLY, PharmaBro has gone to jail. But, alas, NOT for ripping off deathly ill people. Nope…for threatening to harm the hairs of Hillary Clinton’s head. I have run out of irony meters yet again, folks.

24. Pat Fucking Garofalo. Advocating prison rape is slimy enough on its own, but to do it when the prisoners are anti-fascists? Yeah, dude, that puts you in the Mussolini league.


25. Jim Fucking Bakker. Yup, he’s still peddling those buckets of inedible slop. And he’s using Hurricanes Harvey and Irma to drum up business, too. But don’t you worry, Jimmeh…we’re STILL laughing at you. Because that shit’s still not fit to eat, even if you’re fucking desperate enough to scavenge from a flooded store! (And bull-fucking SHIT you just came from the flood zone, too…I’m betting you never left your air-conditioned doghouse!)

26. Sonny Fucking Hernandez. Meanwhile, the USAF is also under the spell of the Jesus-pushers. And that spells bad news for freedom of religion. Especially if you’ve got drug-lords like this one, who claims that the place is “under Satan” if it’s not under the likes of him.

27. Michael Fucking Gordon Fucking Hamill. Why the double Fucking?


That’s why. He’s a cop, AND an unrepentant antisemite. And no, he’s NOT fucking hot.

28. Conrad Fucking Black. What? He’s a racist hack and a writer of drivel, as well as a chronic, pathological fraud? Golly, who’d of thunk…

29. Steve Fucking Bannon. And speaking of racist hacks and writers of drivel, as well as chronic, pathological frauds — yeah, HIM. Claiming to have gone to an “integrated” school when it was all white. But what do we expect of someone who “adapted” both Coriolanus and Titus Andronicus as absolute fucking DRECK?

30. Lynn Fucking Beyak. Yeah. HER again. And this time, she might actually get kicked out of the upper chamber for her flagrant racist idiocy.


And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf and his good buddy, Rick Fucking Scott. The latter for failing to respond to calls for help from seniors who died when their nursing home lost power (and air conditioning); the former, for even suggesting that this incompetent asshat run for the senate. And also for minimizing the deaths of those same helpless seniors. Impeachment can’t come soon enough for either of them.

Good night, and get fucked!

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