Wankers of the Week: A grab bag of grody

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And crappy almost-Halloween! Pro tip for all you trick-or-treaters out there: Do NOT go to the White House this year, because their “treats”…are TRICKS. And nasty tricks at that, like putting your hand in a punchbowl and pulling out a freshly laid turd. Like these little shits, in no particular order:

1. Richard Fucking Spencer. Oh gee, Dowdy Dickie’s security team turns out to be a gang of actual, piss-yellow Nazi terrorists! What were the odds? Oh, only about 100%.

2. Anthony Fucking Miskulin. How do you #MAGA? Well, this guy apparently thinks that harassing lesbian couples about hell is a perfect way to do it. Either that, or he’s looking for a two-girl threesome, and not having any luck at it.

3. Harvey Fucking Weinstein. Of all the women he sexually molested over the years, who does he talk back to when she goes public with her story? Yeah, that’s right, he picked on the black one. No, dude, you’re not a bit racist!

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4. Tom Fucking Keevers. So, dude, which is it: You didn’t write that awful death threat against congresswoman Frederica Wilson, or you did, but it was a joke? Either way, your excuse is shit. Remember, it doesn’t matter if you hump a goat in jest. You are still a goat-humper. And a racist one, at that.

5. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Never mind that there are actual recordings of him actually harassing women. Never mind that he’s been successfully sued (and divorced) over them. No, Billo thinks it was all a “hit job”. Yeah, Billo, it totally was. It was you, hitting on women who were only trying to do their job! PS: And leave God the fuck out of it, wankstain.

6. Alex Fucking Jones. Shhhh, don’t anyone tell him this, but the JFK files were due to be declassified this year, no matter who was president. And neither he nor Donnie can take credit for any of it.

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7. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how much audacity it takes for the likes of her to say words like “cheap” and “taint” about the media with a straight face in Donnie’s Dirty White House.

8. Carl Fucking Gallups. Women are “sexually assaulting” men…by wearing clothes? I bet this guy also thinks he’s somehow superior to all those Muslims because he hasn’t forced one into a burqa. How fucking noble he is…NOT. Dude, if you can’t control your horniness or put it into a healthy perspective (i.e. REALIZE THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACT ON IT), then do what the good book says and cut off the offending part(s) of you. Problem solved!

9. Jason Fucking Kenney. Don’t have any valid selling points for your own politics and ideology? Then just go around casually calling other people (including the very centrist Alberta NDP) communists. Hey, it’s worked since the Cold War, so why not now? Never mind that actual communism is gaining ground faster than you ever will, either!

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10. Rick Fucking Wiles. Yes, you are in a fascist police state. But it’s not one run by queers…it’s one run by sick, perverted, decidedly straight guys in suits. And you’re one of the Gestapo. So you don’t get to toss those words around. Sit down and shut up.

11. George Fucking Herbert-Herbert Fucking Bush. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how fucked up it is that this old dirty bastard is still alive. And that he thinks butt-grabbing young actresses while saying gross things to them is somehow supposed to be funny. Special brownie points to Babs for rolling her eyes but not slapping the shit out of his diaper-clad ass. And to Herbert-Herbert’s aide for the conditional nopology.

12. Scott Fucking Adams. Why?

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That’s why. Funny, but Colin Kaepernick doesn’t seem to be submitting to anyone yet, and he’s still taking a knee. Also, I dare Snotty Scotty to say this to the biggest, toughest Marine he sees taking a knee at a patriotic rally.

13. Jason Fucking Cooke. If you thought Florida Man was bad, trust and believe that Florida Cop is much, MUCH worse. How much worse? Robbing an elderly hurricane victim who later died of injuries sustained in a fall. Motherfucker, why couldn’t you just do bath salts and try to eat somebody else’s face off like all the rest of ‘em?

14. Gerry Fucking Ritz. As with #9, and once more, with feeling: If you have nothing of worth to offer the voters, just line up with the Nazis. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

15. Scott Fucking Brown. Diplomacy? What’s THAT? Oh, surely not anything he would know about, as he’s only Donnie Drumpf’s ambassador to New Zealand, after all.

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16. Jean-Paul Fucking Braun. What the fuck does a rape victim’s appearance have to do with anything? NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING. Jesus.

17. Bill Fucking Handel. I know, you never heard of this cheesy, self-righteous garbage person till now. Me neither. And with any luck, neither of us will ever hear anything of, from, or out of him…ever again.

18. Steve Fucking King. And speaking of cheesy, self-righteous garbage people, this one just did it again. This time, with a bill to effectively ban all abortions. One that will probably not survive the test of practice, but then again…who ever wants to see it get that far?

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19. William La Fucking Fortune. How do you solve a problem like racist cops killing black people in a moment of so-called panic? Simple…sweep it under the rug with the hem of your judicial robe.

20. Stephen Fucking Strang. Donnie Drumpf, a “miracle”? Yeah, I believe in “miracles”…especially the kind achieved by electoral fraud.

21. Steve Fucking Bannon. Yeah, sure, dude, we believe you’re not a white supremacist. You only cut ties to Vilo Yeah-Nope because he became too much of an obvious embarrassment to you. But the truth is, you knew what he was all along…and your e-mails show that you were only too happy to work with him while he was flying below the public’s antifascist radar.

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22. Steve Fucking Doocy. When your bullshit gets called out even on FUX Snooze, it’s time to hang it up and go home.

23. Carla Fucking Bruni. There’s no sexual abuse in fashion? Lady, what drugs are you on? The industry has ALWAYS been lousy with it. Every place where women have to work under the eyes of men has always been lousy with it!

24. Margaret Fucking Wente. Oh look, it’s yet another tiresome iteration of #NotAllMen, from that most tiresome of iterators of clichéd right-wing bullshit. I would ask why she still has a job at the Grope and Flail when two other, and arguably somewhat better, female columnists have gotten the heave-ho, but that would then entail having to ask whom she did sexual favors for in order to get and keep that plummy job. Because let’s face it, her competence as a writer and thinker cannot possibly be what landed her where she still remains, after all this time and despite all the plagiarism she’s had exposed.

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25. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Hiding in Nigeria, are we? Well, say hi to that prince from there. You know, the one who keeps spamming me with offers of millions in direct deposits to my bank account.

26. Robert Fucking Scoble. Anyone surprised that an aggressive proponent of Google camera-glasses turns out to be aggressive in, er, OTHER areas, as well as just generally aggressively clueless? No? Well, all righty then.

27. Chrystia Fucking Freeland. Um, Chryssie? A colony IS what an imperialist oppressor looks like. That’s how they planted their permanent bastions of British white supremacy over here. Did you sleep through history class, or are you just trying to sweep something under the rug again, like you keep doing with your Nazi granddaddy?

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28. Steven Fucking Errante. Because Florida doesn’t have a monopoly on Florida Men, here’s one from Lawn Guyland…and he’s a dog-abusing horse molester.

29. Jessica Fucking Sanders. Yeah, sure, you’re not racist because you have X number of black folks in your life. And at the rate you can drop those N-bombs, you’ll be seeing a lot of them LEAVING your life.

30. Bob Fucking McNair. Excuse me, what was that you said? That NFL players are prisoners and your team is the jail? Uh-huh. That explains a lot now, doesn’t it.

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And finally, to the Fucking London Torygraph. Not only did they print fake news, they even posted an image of the black student who allegedly (not actually, just ALLEGEDLY) demanded that all white authors be removed from the curriculum. Except that she demanded no such thing, only an addition of post-colonial writings to the curriculum. Not only does this call the entire newspaper into question as a publication of record, it actually shoves it straight into GamerGate troll territory. The falsely accused woman is probably fielding death threats and crank calls and stalkers outside her residence already. I’d say all this shocks me, but it doesn’t even surprise me. When you’re actively invested in white male supremacy, you’ll work to maintain that at all costs…even the life and well-being of a falsely accused young black woman. And you won’t even bat an eye. For a publication that once claimed to stand against fascism, they suddenly sound an awful lot like Oswald Fucking Mosley.

Good night, and get fucked!

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