Wankers of the Week: Happy Amurrican Wanksgiving!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy one to all the turkeys Donnie pardoned…and I don’t mean the ones with feathers. If you thought the balloons at the Macy’s parade were full of hot air, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Here come the stars of this week’s shitshow, in no particular order:

1. Kay Fucking Ivey. She knows what Roy Fucking Moore is, but she’s voting for him anyway, because pious hypocrites who molest teens are needed to pick SCOTUS judges? Well, that’s loyalty for ya. And that’s also damn stupid for ya. And that’s gonna come back to bite her sooner than she knows, too.

2. Paul Fucking Golding. No, dopey, you and Jayda Fucking Franson were NOT arrested for “no bloody reason”. You were arrested for a damn good bloody reason, and that bloody reason is that you’re both fascists with ties to terrorists, if not in fact actual terrorists yourselves. And neither one of you should have the right to go around ginning up hate.

3. Tommy Fucking Robinson. Oh boo fucking hoo, you weren’t allowed to troll around a pool hall handing out hate-lit! Cry me a river, you fucking crock.

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4. Aric Fucking Frydberg. Because it wouldn’t be a wankapedia without Florida Man, here’s one who seriously thought his ol’ pal Donnie Fucking Drumpf was gonna get him off the hook for being an antisemitic pothead having a freakout while driving very much under the influence. Yes, really.

5. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Because why merely decorate for US Thanksgiving when you could do so without a shred of taste whatsoever? But hey, at least none of the pumpkins were big and orange, so they wouldn’t give her old man an inferiority complex.

6. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Not content to let his sister hog all the fatherly favor — ahem, wanks — he just had to pipe up too. I’m only six wanks into this list so far, and already I’ve exceeded my quota for vicarious embarrassment, y’all.

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7. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. You and #1 just come up with the most ringing endorsements ever for bad ideas, hon. Ever consider that you might just be a disgrace to your entire gender? PS: And also, you’re getting dragged into court. Ha, ha.

8. Janet Fucking Porter. And speaking of disgraces to one’s gender, there’s this one…who seems to be all in favor of throwing innocent girls to the wolves in the name of so-called Christianity. What the actual fucking FUCK, woman?

9. Kevin Fucking Swanson. Meanwhile, in other news of so-called Christianity, we have this thundering dunderhead…who seems to forget that Sodom wasn’t wiped out because of same-sex marriage, which that infamous mythical city in fact didn’t have. It was wiped out for something HE has for sure and certain: arrogance in spades and no compassion for those in need. How about criticizing “godly men” who molest girls, Kevvy?

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10. David Fucking Stephan. Oh gawd, HIM again with his anti-vaxxer bullshit that killed his son, STILL slagging people who understand medicine and health in ways that he can’t even begin to comprehend. Would someone stick a maple-syrup-coated sock in him, please?

11. Lena Fucking Dunham. Oh gawd, HER again, with her white “feminist” bullshit that’s giving feminism and white women alike a bad name. Fortunately, she’s having a no-good, very-bad week of it, and is still getting served. Ha, ha.

12. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how dumb and dorky it is to treat a White House press conference like a kindergarten Thanksgiving pageant. Everyone in the room is a fucking adult, so fucking treat them like it!

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13. Alex Fucking Jones. Ladies! Would YOU like to reproduce with an unstable man who snacks on lead paint chips — oh sorry, “male vitality supplements”? Hey…wait…where are you going, and why are you running so fast? Alex will have you know that he fucked over 150 grown women before he was 16, so he can totally cut the mustard! Stop laughing!

14. Mike Fucking Cernovich. Meanwhile, #13’s sidekick is trying weally, WEALLY hard to out-wack him. And with his contention that a batshit-bonkers general was ousted for “investigating pedophilia” (rather than simply being a corrupto who got compromised by Russia), he just might do it. Mikey, Pizzagate is over. Time to clean the shit out of your shorts.

15. Bryan Fucking Hammond. Never make accusations as a “joke” to mock serious accusers…because it could turn out that you are seriously going to lose your fucking job over it, and you seriously fucking deserve to. (Also, NO, silence is NOT consent. Some of us have been silent because of fear, repressed upbringings, threats…or just something of somebody’s in our mouths that we did not consent to having there.)

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16. Flip Fucking Benham. Oh sure, Roy Fucking Moore was looking for the “purity” of a teenager, all right…because he got off on violating it when he molested them. He was so predatory that he needed a cop to keep him away from the girls! And he even cast his eye on his now-wife when she was very much under-age, and he was very much assaulting his other victims. Oops! There goes THAT cockamamie theory.

17. Mark Fucking Bauerlein. Waaaa, Wanksgiving is ruined because you still support Donnie Drumpf and no one else in your family (or faculty) does! Poor widdle snowflake, my heart bleeds for you and your “30-year discouragement”. During which period, for the record, I majored in English lit and journalism, and found nothing from dead white men to have been “discouraged” in the slightest. Quite the opposite, actually. And if you seriously think your beloved so-called Western Canon is one of “unsuppressed creativity”, you need to get out more…and start talking to women and non-white authors. Because there HAS been suppression of creativity on their part, and lots of it. Mostly from men who look (and “think”) a lot like you. But of course, you’re not going to call THAT particular species of blinkered clannishness “identity politics”…ARE you?

18. David Fucking Bossie. Good feckin’ lard. You know you’re backing a bad horse when even FUX Snooze and its slavish idiots are hemming and hawing at you!

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19. Brett Fucking Doster. Well, happy Wanksgiving to you, too. And please feel free to enjoy your candidate’s falling poll numbers, and the rising ones of his rival!

20. Mike Fucking Hughes. You guys, I’m torn. On the one hand, I think his idea is a terrible one and it’s bound to blow up on him if he ever raises enough money to carry it through. On the other hand, he IS a flat-Earther who doesn’t believe in science, so…

21. Joe Fucking Barton. Well, here’s a switcheroo. All the other times I’ve listed him here, it was for his bad political decisions and anti-science wanking. Now, he’s this week’s LITERAL wanker as well. And yes, he’s just as disgusting about it as you might have guessed he was. Right down to sending photos and VIDEOS of himself in flagrante, to women who I’m sure were oh, SO impressed…and by “impressed”, I mean they must have needed Gravol to get through it all. (I know I would have.) PS: And just for extra ewww, there’s this. Because he’s not just a dirty old man, he’s a vengeful one.

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22. Peter Fucking Kent. Fentanyl deaths on the street? Pfffff, that’s greasy kid stuff. Petey thinks pot is the real problem. Yes, POT. And once more, I must reiterate: What a pity for him that his little brother got all the looks AND all the brains in the family.

23. Richard Fucking Spencer. Is that a mosquito-like whine I hear? Yes, it is. And it’s coming from Dickie. Who’s kvetching because he’s been trounced from more than one location now, and is working on yet another. Man, what an obnoxious little fucker he is. No wonder Europe doesn’t want him!

24. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Yes, he’s in the mix, too. And Billy Baldwin has mopped the floor with his ass. Ha, ha. PS: And don’t go poking Bob Mueller, either, Diapers. He BITES.

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25. Pamela Fucking Geller. What’s that nonsensical gobbling I hear? A turkey? Oh, it’s a turkey, all right…but not the avian kind. It’s her, pitching a hissyfit because Butterball turkeys are now apparently certified halal, so Muslims can give thanks too. Shhhh, nobody tell Pammy that Allah is the same god as hers, just going by another name. She might blow an artery!

26. David Fucking Leyonhjelm. By now, Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos is persona non grata in any self-respecting place, but I guess somebody Down Under didn’t get the message…YET.

27. Jenni Fucking Weinman. Hello? 2017 calling. Just wanted to inform you that yes, boyfriends CAN rape girlfriends. Having a relationship going doesn’t make it not-rape. This has been your wake-up call. Please hang up now, and do not wank again. BEEP!

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28. Tiger Fucking Woods. How low could he go? Playing golf with Donnie low. Better watch it, dude, I hear HE cheats, too!

29. Drew Fucking Barnes. Well, so much for the KenneyCons and their attempt to distance themselves from the “alt”-Nazis of their base from Heritage Front days. Anyone who’d be dumb enough to pay $80 to see this one behind The (so-called) Rebel’s paywall isn’t gonna be bright enough to know the difference anyway, and is probably more than happy to see them palling around together. But the rest of us? Yeah, we’re avoiding these guys like the weeping gummas they are.

30. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Have I listed her yet this week? NO? Well, now I have. You’re welcome!

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And finally, to all the fucking idiots who swarmed the shopping malls today. From rabid shoppers who just had to trample others to death for that not-so-hot deal, to the neo-Nazis who tried (and failed) to hang a white-pride banner at the Mall of America, I salute you…with one finger.

Good night, and get fucked!

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