Wankers of the Week: Here come the indictments!


Crappy weekend, everyone! Is it too early to start humming “Here Comes Santa Claus”? Maybe. But I’m doing it just the same, because it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Or the winter of somebody else’s discontent. A veritable blizzard of indictments and wank is coming. And look! Here comes a flurry of snowflakes now, in no particular order…

1. Roger Fucking Stone. Seems like it took forever and a day for him to finally get his saggy, wrinkled ass booted off the tweeter, but at long last, it’s happened. And it couldn’t happen to a nicer foul-mouthed abusive prick, either.

2. Ryan Fucking Zinke. The corruption is so bad, we can smell it all the way from Puerto Rico. But yeah, it’s the media that’s crooked and dishonest, when all they do is report on it.

3. Kevin Fucking Spacey. For years, he’d sue any tabloid that accused him of being gay. OR of inappropriateness with age-inappropriate young guys. Now he comes out…but only to excuse the fact that he climbed all over a 14-year-old. Dude, stop. You’re not helping with the separation of gay from kiddie-diddler. At ALL. PS: Oh shit, there are more? Ugh. Ugh. All the UGH.


4. John Fucking Kelly. Don’t worry, my good shitmuffin, Bob Mueller’s only getting started. And when your boss goes down — and he WILL — you’re going with him. The only things yet to be determined are the number and type of charges you’ll face.

5. Nigel Fucking Farage. And because this guy is one of Donnie’s most conspicuously clingy ass-barnacles, HE’s gonna go down with him, too. Ha, ha! PS: Well, well. Look who’s an antisemite! I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m not in the slightest.

6. Rupert Fucking Murdoch. And speaking of Donnie’s ass-barnacles, how about him? Yeah, tell me he’s not directly ordering the content of the crapaganda to distract from Donnie’s illicit shenanigans and all the strangely convenient boosts he got from Russia. And tell me too that ol’ Rupee isn’t directly invested, quite literally, in dirty business dealings too. At the end of the day, it’s all about the moolah with them. ALL OF THEM.


7. Pat Fucking Robertson. And of course, Patwa has a brilliant idea. One that would only make Donnie’s impeachment imperative. Gee, maybe God IS speaking through him after all…and She clearly has a wicked sense of humor.

8. Gayle Fucking Trotter. Meanwhile, in another dark and cobwebby corner of the Religious Reich, a different whackjob thinks Robert Mueller should be fired…for DOING his job.

9. Teresa Fucking Giudice. I don’t know who the hell you are either, lady. And my parents are immigrants too, as were yours (if your distinctly non-indigenous surname is anything to go by). Also, nobody owes you “nice”. So suck on that.


10. Michael Fucking Caputo. How does someone over 30 go from being a foreign policy advisor to just a “coffee boy”? Oh, simple: He sings to the feds like a nightingale!

11. Mike Fucking Cernovich. How humiliating is it when an entire school goes antifa just to get you the fuck off their campus? I’d suggest you ask Juicebro, but I’m pretty sure he’s not showing his pizza face to anyone anywhere right now. PS: And if you have to plant fake NAMBLA “protesters” to throw people off your Nazi scent, you just KNOW you stink. PPS: Nice “fake news” tweet at the end, Juicebro.

12. Brianna Fucking Brochu. Attention, everyone. We have now reached peak White Nonsense…at least, outside of actual tiki-torch parades and statue-based lynchings. Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear?


13. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. If you thought superior brains ran in that family, let Diaper Don himself disabuse you (and his boastful old man) of that notion. He’s dumber than a fourth-grader. And dear ol’ Dad makes boxes of rocks look downright bright. PS: This isn’t exactly helping any, either.

14. Stephen Fucking Harper. Like the bad penny he is, Harpo just keeps coming back…and leaving stinky green stains all over everybody’s hands. Ewwwwww.

15. Laura Fucking Loomer. Hey! How’s it feel to know you’re obnoxious, fanatical and shitty enough to be banned from using an entire fucking car service? At this rate, you’ll be lucky if a little kid gives you a lift on his tricycle. Ha, ha.


16. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Why didn’t the FBI warn Donnie about Paul Fucking Manafort? Simple: Because it’s not their job to vet his campaign managers — it’s HIS.

17. John Fucking Schnatter. Hey bozo, maybe spend less time slagging women, Obamacare, LGBT people and blacks, and more time making an actual quality pizza, and maybe you wouldn’t have to worry and kvetch so much about lost fortunes, eh?

18. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Maybe next Halloween, try not desecrating a flag to make your stupid costume, eh?


19. Frank Fucking Nucera, Jr. Surprise! Being a top cop doesn’t give you a Get Out of Jail Free card when it comes to murderous racist utterances. What it WILL get you is a metric shit-tonne of criminal charges, all well earned.

20. Paul Fucking Manafort. Dude. You are so NOT James Bond. You really shouldn’t use any reference to him as your password, not even ironically.

21. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Why?


Dude, you are neither brilliant nor important enough for that ridiculous vanity plate. Also, LEARN HOW TO PARK, YOU FUCKING JACKASS.

22. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Oh look, there goes your funding. And Bitefart’s, too! Looks like the Mercers are too embarrassed to keep financing your drinking habits. Ha, ha.

23. Ralph Fucking Northam. Yeah, why SHOULD undocumented immigrants and refugees be given sanctuary? Why, next thing you know, they’ll demand to be treated as human, too! Can’t have that, can we?

24. Steve Fucking Reick. Thanks for basically admitting that you’re a sexual harasser who doesn’t want to change, because MASCULINITY. Next stop for you: the political toilet.


25. Ezra Fucking Levant. No credentials for YOU! Ha, ha. Now, if only everyone would do what the UN just did. Ezzy the Putz would finally be relegated to “reporting” on the Podunk Sons of Odin’s two-man tea dance, and the “alt”-right would finally implode up here.

26. Cherith Fucking Telford. Instead of telling schoolgirls to wear longer skirts to “create a good work environment” for male staff and “stop boys from getting ideas”, how about hiring men who don’t look at teenage girls (who are, incidentally, too young to consent) as sex objects? Or better still, how about just telling the boys and men alike to keep their eyes on their work and their hands to themselves? Or just making pants the school uniform across the board, and leaving skirts out of it altogether? Too obvious, I guess. No, better just slut-shame a bunch of girls who probably haven’t even kissed anyone yet.

27. Carter Fucking Page. Welp, I know one Drumpfite who’s about to go to the big house for obstruction of justice, because the famous Fifth does NOT provide for covering your boss’s ass, only your own. I just wonder how many more of these obscene seppuku performances we’re going to have to sit through before Donnie is impeached.


28. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Meanwhile, we have Beauregard here…who lied numerous times under oath. No doubt with a mouthful of marbles, too. Pretty sure that the Fifth doesn’t cover that either. Nor does the First.

29. Nabih Fucking al-Wahsh. If sexually harassing and raping women in distressed jeans is a “national, patriotic duty”, as this so-called lawyer says, then it’s only fair that castrating men who do so — with one’s own bare hands, if need be — is an international act of humanitarianism! And stop, stop, STOP with this fucking “girls must respect themselves” shit. We already do respect ourselves, no matter what we wear. It is not our job to try to make others do it with clothing alone; it is THEIR job to do what we are doing already. Srsly, dude, #26 and you really do both need to put on the dunce cap and go sit in the same damn corner.

30. Rick Fucking Perry. You can always rely on Crotch Goodhair to come up with some truly inane and cockamamie connection between things that have no connection whatsoever, and as usual, he doesn’t disappoint. This week, it was how fossil fuels and “righteousness” can prevent sexual assault. Only, of course, they fucking can’t.


And finally, to the fucking “alt”-right morons who think there’s going to be some major antifa coup tomorrow. I dunno about you, but THIS antifa plans nothing more strenuous for this weekend than attending a cousin-in-law’s baby shower. Dudes, maybe quit tweaking so damn much. And more to the point: QUIT FOMENTING TREASON ON YOUR OWN DAMN SOIL. Christ, for people who chant so much about blood and soil, you sure have a strange idea of loyalty. And it’s gonna land you on the wrong side of history so fast that you’re going to wonder what hit you. It’s called KARMA, you little shits, and it’s a motherfucker…and a bigger one than all of your sorry asses combined.

Good night, and get fucked!

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