Wankers of the Week: The cream in the Keurig covfefe


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a super-duper-double-looper crappy one to all the feckin’ eejits out there who smashed their coffee machines in the name of protecting a pious hypocrite who never met a girl he couldn’t molest…unless she was over 18. I don’t want to know what you all put in your coffee, I’m just glad it’s not in the water up here. Because that shit’s toxic as hell…just like these people, listed here in no particular order:

1. Steve Fucking Bannon. Yeah, good luck trying to discredit Roy Fucking Moore’s accusers, Ginblossoms. I can hardly wait for the skeletons in your own vomit-reeking closet to come tumbling out.

2. Kellyanne Fucking Conway. Uh, sweetie…you DO realize that if what you said were actually done, then not only your own boss, but virtually every male elected official with an R after his name would have to step down, right?

3. Mercedes Fucking Colwin. Women lie all the time about sexual assault…for money? Huh. If that were the case, we’d all be as filthy stinking rich as you are, lying for money by defending rapists as part of your Biglaw job, dear. But we’re not. And we’re still sorely lacking in political clout, too. How ‘bout THEM apples? PS: Aaaand you’re fired. Ha, ha.


4. Mary Fucking Franson. No, a trans woman is not a “guy who thinks he’s a girl”, much less a “guy with a mental health condition”. And your God-bothering “apology” is NOT an apology, either. But you sure ARE a sorry excuse for a state representative. And with any luck, after the next election, you’ll be a sorry-ass incompetent who’s out of a cushy job. And then nobody will have to be kind and indulge YOUR fantasies any longer.

5. Sandy Fucking Rios. Yeah, most people DO have something sexual that they’re not proud of. But molesting a teenager is usually NOT it, because that’s not about sex…it’s about POWER, stupid. PS: And no, Jesus was not accused of molesting girls. Try comparing apples to apples, idiot.

6. Richard Fucking Keith. Bull-fucking-SHIT you didn’t know you were running over a Latino kid and not a garbage can. And also, bull-fucking-SHIT times two that you have a bright future ahead of you. Dude, you’re 50. For the average man, that’s over the hill. And no one gives a shit about your social life. Your mile-long rap sheet, on the other hand…


7. Brandon Fucking Moseley. What the hell does Barack Obama’s alleged prior cocaine use, or Bill Clinton’s alleged pot-smoking, have to do with anything? Hell if I know, but one of ol’ Roy Boy’s defenders seems to think it’s germane to the subject, and maybe even somehow worse than his guy molesting a string of teenage girls. Um, NO. No, it is NOT. PS: WTF even is this? Ugh.

8. Kayla Fucking Moore. So, I guess you and those 50 alleged pastors are all okay with your hubby-dear being a child molester too, eh? Well, one of you is…and it ain’t the pastors!

9. Mike Fucking Cernovich. No, dude, nobody hates you because you have a nuclear family (which, one day, when your wife and daughter find out just how much of an ass you really are, will fucking EXPLODE, with all the radioactive fallout, like your buddy Alex’s did). Everybody hates you because you’re a failed lawyer turned conspiracy-mongering dipshit who peddles stupid pickup artistry and fake health hacks, and who seriously thinks there’s a pedophile ring operating out of the basement of a pizza joint that doesn’t even HAVE a basement.


10. Liz Fucking Crokin. Never mind that Roy Fucking Moore actually used his lawyering as a means of grooming and isolating his young victims. No, let’s ban The Wizard of Oz, because that’s how the nonexistent Illuminati recruit their equally nonexistent child sex slaves!

11. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Lord only knows why the crapitalist “student” astroturf group Turning Point USA uses her to taunt so-called “liberal snowflakes”, because she’s made a career out of crying, screaming and tantrum-tossing over losing causes…and so have they. Oh wait, I guess that explains everything! As does the fact that their initials also stand for Toilet Paper — which, ironically, is just what their arguments are made of.

12. Mo Fucking Brooks. If ever you needed proof that conservatives stand for nothing and fall for everything, here you go. A living dinosaur for your fossil records!


13. Tom Fucking Sizemore. Who else is surprised that a madam-beating dirtbag actor turns out also to be a child-molesting dirtbag actor? No one? Thought as much. I guess we also shouldn’t be surprised that unlike the victims of his depredations, his career didn’t miss many beats, even though any one of the things he did should have been the end of it.

14. Bill Fucking Morneau. Please, please, please, don’t let him be misunderstood? Don’t worry, Bill, nobody “misunderstands” you. We all know quite well what’s going on. You’re not the first filthy stinking rich man in this country to hide his assets in tax havens, or to then turn around and pretend to be some breed of “underdog”!

15. Don Fucking Shooter. And down goes another Gropey Old Pervert who thought he’d waltz off with the same old immunity. And gee, I’m really starting to like this new climate of men being careful and scared. It’s a welcome change when you consider who has usually had to be that way!


16. Teresa Fucking Hawthorne. Gee, for a judge, you sure are awfully…what’s the word I’m looking for here? PREJUDICED, that’s it. And awfully unsympathetic to your fellow woman. And awfully eager to usurp the jury’s duty on behalf of that rapist you’re favoring. Maybe it’s time you looked for another job.

17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. And surprise surprise, another predator speaks out on behalf of ol’ Roy…with a dumbshit partisan defence that does nothing to explain why he did it. That’s cute, Rusty, real cute. Next time, remember, it’s not party politics that makes men predators, it’s the SEXISM, stupid.

18. Morgan Fucking Brandfors. Bull-fucking-SHIT you didn’t know what day it was when you planned your “it’s okay to be racist” rally, Nazi scum. It was the anniversary of a racist murder, and you KNEW it. And how typically Nazi, too, to excuse racism as “pride” through a system of dogwhistles that aren’t fooling anyone. As though being white was some kind of achievement, instead of a mere accident of biology. If that’s the thing you’re most proud of, it doesn’t say much for what you’ve done with your life.


19. Josh Fucking Fatzick. And speaking of racist dogwhistlers, here’s one who works for the Voice of America…as though it wasn’t already full to the rafters with far-right crapaganda. Let’s see how long before he’s out of a job, out of a girlfriend, and just plain OUT.

20. Troy Fucking Nehls. Fuck Donnie Drumpf, fuck whoever voted for him…and fuck anyone who’d bust somebody just for speaking their mind about it, too. Free speech isn’t just for right-wingers, you know!

21. Trenton Fucking Garmon. No, Muslims aren’t in favor of “dating” underage girls, or arranging “marriages” with them either. You’re thinking of your so-called Christian client, stupid.


22. Bob Fucking Coy. Well, looky here. Another pious hypocrite with mighty short eyes has been popped. This is getting to be something of a pattern with the southern Religious Reich, isn’t it?

23. Julie Fucking Banderas. No, dear, the Baby Jesus did NOT call for Roy Fucking Moore to step down. That would be everybody with a brain…which excludes him automatically.

24. Wes Fucking Goodman. Meanwhile, look who has a wide stance! Yes, another fucking “family values” hypocrite in the Gropey Old Party. And he wants “privacy” for his “family”, which is the product of his “natural marriage”? Uh, how about NO?


25. Brett Fucking Talley. You still have doubts as to whether Donnie Fucking Drumpf is mentally competent to be president? Feast your eyes on his latest federal judicial nominee. Not only has he never lawyered at a trial, he’s also dead stupid about adults and under-age teens, Roe v. Wade, and oh yeah…”the first KKK”.

26. Sarah Fucking Palin. She claims she’s “never been sexually harassed” because she’s “packing”? I’d say it’s more likely that she’s just too dumb to know when anyone’s been harassing her. Or — even more likely — so desperate for attention that she actually welcomes everything, including the inappropriate kind.

27. Roger Fucking Stone. Riddle me this: How does a batshit troll who’s been banned from Twitter not only manage to tweet, but apparently also have foreknowledge of Al Franken’s old lame jokes supposedly coming back to bite him? Answer: He’s a ratfucker. He has his little ways. And now Twitter has at least two more Stone accounts to ban.


28. Louie Fucking Gohmert. LOLwut? Um, nope. Although if the whole Roy Fucking Moore kerfuffle also takes down Steve Fucking Bannon somehow, even by accident, I won’t complain.

29. James Fucking Sears. Finally, FINALLY, some hate crime charges for Dimitri the Hater. Let it never be said that our human-rights laws aren’t good for something up here. Now, about those “seduction” classes…

30. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. Not that she’s wrong about ol’ Roy Boy, but…everything she says about him is equally applicable to her own old man, if not more so. Juuuuuust sayin’.


And finally, to Steve Fucking Mnuchin and Louise Fucking Linton, who just couldn’t resist rubbing the nation’s currency all over their wanking, stanking carcasses yet AGAIN. If you wonder why your greenbacks smell so bad, Yanks, now you know: ’tis the stench of utmost corruption, total lack of character, and complete disregard for humanity. And it’s a slap in the face for anyone who has to grub so hard for just a few of those lousy sheets of paper.

Good night, and get fucked!

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