Crappy weekend, everyone! Jesus, Mary and Joseph, aren’t you sick of all the winning yet? Yeah, me neither. Just as I’m not sick of all the massacres, blatant hypocrisy, criminality and stupidity. And here’s who was perpetrating it all this week, in no particular order:
1. Wayne La Fucking Pierre. Another day, another shooting, another shitty bit of messaging from the NRA. Zero sympathy for victims, families, or traumatized onlookers. But hey, at least we now know the difference between a fucking clip and a fucking magazine. Tomayto, tomahto. Whoopdefuckingdoo!
2. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Another week, another publication dropping Vilo Yeah-Nope because he wrote some shitty fucking shit. And of course, he’s kvetching about it. Boo fucking hoo!
3. Scott Fucking Allen. It’s a day ending in day, and a wanker in Wanksconsin has wanked. And this time, he’s blaming abortion for, of all things, worker shortages. Um, no…actually, the problem is a JOB shortage, and abortion hasn’t got shit to do with that. The problem is that the so-called job creators aren’t creating shit, and aren’t paying shit for what jobs they do offer. Consequently, no one is working and no one even wants to work for them. But thanks, again, for blaming women for all the social ills that you can’t be arsed to fix, dude.
4. Jamie Fucking Kilstein. An “ex-male feminist”? Nuh-unh, dude…you were NEVER a feminist to begin with. You were an asshole, and you were masquerading as a cool dude. And now that your cover is blown, you’ve gone full MRA so you can finally say all those shitty things you couldn’t before? Color me so shocked.
5. Paul Fucking Ryan. Yes, by all means, pray for the victims of gun crime…quietly, in your own little closet, as Jesus said. Because if you make a point of doing it publicly, you will be called out for the hypocrite you are.
6. Gene Fucking Simmons. You may look forward to the death of rap all you like, old man, but it won’t happen in your lifetime. The form is almost as old as you are, and I’d say its longevity is proven.
7. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Hey! Remember how all you righturds are always saying not to “politicize a tragedy” everytime one of yours decides that a gun is a hammer, and every problem is a nail? Yeah. How about YOU take your own advice for a change, Diaper Don?
8. Ted Fucking Cruz. And that goes double for you, Teddy Boy, you disgusting opportunistic vulture.
9. Hans Fucking Fiene. God was “answering people’s prayers” by sending a shooter to fucking MURDER them? How the hell does this even make sense, and how fucking far out of your mind do you have to be to believe anything of the sort??? PS: Jesus says to go fuck yourself. Looks like one of MY prayers has just been answered!
10. Robert Fucking Phalen. The air is too clean for “optimum health”? Not around YOUR gassy ass, that’s for damn sure.
11. Richard Fucking Spencer. Meanwhile, in other “too stupid to wipe his own ass” news, Dowdy Dickie got trounced by a black Brit who sheared through all his white-supremacist bullshit like a warm knife through whipped butter. Ha, ha. PS: And look who’s apparently insolvent, too. Double ha-ha!
12. Kim Fucking Davis. Running for re-election to a position you shouldn’t be in, even though it entails a job you won’t do? Fuck right off, woman.
13. Sarah Fucking Palin. Because every time a gun goes off somewhere, her mouth does the same…with every bit as much devastating stupidity.
14. Bob Fucking Marshall. So…how does it feel to lose to the woman you kept misgendering and trying to force to use the men’s washroom? Ha, ha.
15. Tom Fucking Coyne. See what happens when you back a bigmouthed braggart just because you think he’s a winner who has mobilized what you thought was your base? You end up with egg on your face, and a progressive independent eating your lunch. Ha, ha.
16. Fergus Fucking Wilson. Meanwhile, across the pond, it seems that crapistalist racism isn’t doing too well THERE, either. Ha, ha.
17. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. First he has amnesia, then he doesn’t, then he does, then he doesn’t. How the hell is it possible for someone not to remember someone he worked with as closely as he did with Carter Fucking Page? I can hardly wait for the next round of indictments, because I have strong suspicions as to who’s gonna be in it.
18. Gay Fucking Talese. “10 minutes of indiscretion 10 or more years ago”? Fucking hell, isn’t that just like Brock Turner’s dad, kvetching about the “20 minutes of action” that were all his son got before two meddling foreign students stopped him and his ass landed (all too briefly) in jail? And, BTW: It’s more than just a few minutes of “indiscretion”, and it wasn’t just “10 or more years ago”. Kevin Fucking Spacey has been a missing stair in the industry for a lot longer, and a lot more recently, than that.
19. John Fucking Carman. Well, well. Look who’s eating his words now. Yet another Repugnican loser! Want a little pink pussyhat for all that crow you’re eating now, John?
20. Jim Fucking Bakker. If Donnie’s impeached, real Christians won’t be rioting in the streets…they’ll be cheering, along with the rest of the decent folks. You, on the other hand, would do well to bunker down with your buckets-o-crap and say nothing, lest you be busted for scamming your viewers yet again.
21. James O’Fucking Keefe. Oh dear. Someone doesn’t know how the insurance business really works. Fortunately, there’s always the School of Hard Knocks to teach him!
22. Alex Fucking Jones. Well, well. What have we here? A conspiracy? Yup. And tinfoil on top of tinfoil, too!
23. Roy Fucking Moore. Is anyone besides me NOT surprised to find that he’s a hypocrite whose transphobic piety is just a whitewash for having sexually abused a 14-year-old girl decades ago, when he was a mere stripling of 32? NO? Thought so. PS: God’s gonna smite you for this, too, Roy!
24. Kayla Fucking Moore. Is anyone besides me NOT surprised to find that she’s complicit in her husband’s hypocrisy, and oh-so-touchingly bound and determined to stand by her (shitty) man? NO? Thought so.
25. Patrick Fucking Brown. Meanwhile, here in Ontario, the Religious Reich has once again demonstrated that it — and its candidates — have zero originality. And they’re not above cribbing a leftist meme to prove it, either. In fact, they’ll even go all the way to New Brunswick to steal one!
26. Jim Fucking Ziegler. If you don’t see what’s wrong with #23 taking advantage of a girl too young and inexperienced to consent, you’re part of the problem. And yes, your religious “values” ARE the problem.
28. Ed Fucking Henry. Four women, backed up by 30 other sources, and he still thinks #23’s accusers are lying? This is what hardcore right-wing stoopid looks like, folks.
29. Steve Fucking Bannon. I have a better idea, Ginblossoms: Instead of “MAGA” Day, how about HELL TO THE NOPE Day? Or Indictment Day? Or Impeachment Day? Or maybe even You in Handcuffs Being Frogmarched Off to Jail Day? Any of those things would work just fine for me.
30. Jordan Fucking Peterson. How the hell does this hideous professional troll masquerading as an academic intellectual still have a job? He can’t very well whine about being persecuted by the politically correct when he’s the one DOING the persecuting, and he’s still being protected by U of T in the process. Maybe a taste of his own damn medicine should be in store for him, hmmmmm?
And finally, to all the fucking fuckheads making excuses for good ol’ #23, Roy Fucking Moore. Fucking stop it, because the mud you’re trying to drag his victims through…is gonna wind up sticking to you. Especially those of you on the “alt”-right, who were dead convinced that a pizza parlor was running a child-trafficking ring out of its nonexistent basement. But hey! On second thought, maybe keep it up. All of your political and journalistic careers deserve to go down in discredit for what you’re doing there. It’s not like any of you were any damn good at it anyway.
Good night, and get fucked!