Crappy weekend, everyone! We’re getting down to the wire…it’s Christmas Eve Eve Eve, and you know what that means? Right: PANIC! No, I’m not talking about all you last-minute shoppers out there. I’m talking about these all-the-time shitheads, who are about to get nothing good from Santa…and who, as usual, are in no particular order:
1. Ann Fucking Coulter. Because if there’s one thing the Coultergeist despises, it’s anything that takes money and the public spotlight away from poor, poor, pitiful HER. Well, buck up, Little Orphan Annie…because if YOU die alone, it will be because you DESERVE to. No one else can stand you. Especially those of us who are single, but who do NOT lead “empty lives of quiet desperation”…like ME.
2. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Bad enough that Little Donnie retweets Juicebro Cernovich of all shitty people, but holy crap, a tweet of his defending pedophilia? That ought to get Juicebro fired, but let’s face it — he’s not employed, he’s just grifting. So let’s use it instead to shame both of them forevermore, eh?
3. Omarosa Fucking Manigault. Welp, there goes Donnie’s Aunt Jemima. Not only did she have to be “escorted” out of the White House (kicking and screaming!), she earned her ceremonious firing by alienating and cussing out members of the Congressional Black Caucus. And with her goes the last hope Donnie will ever have of credibly claiming he’s not racist. Omarosa was his beard, and she just about yanked herself off him.
4. Dennis Fucking Kearbey. Pro tip for all you conservative would-be comedians out there: If you want to get laughs, just tell a joke. And no, “telling a joke” does NOT involve toting a sawed-off shotgun into your workplace (where your predecessor ACTUALLY SHOT SOMEONE), pumping it, and then expecting people to laugh and not feel like their lives have just been threatened. Nobody finds lethal weapons fucking funny — least of all those who have actually seen someone get shot.
5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s still alive. No, she’s still not making sense. And this week, she’s all hopped up about the “freedom” to wear an ugly bracelet that looks like a shackle. Because that’s totally not racist, you guys.
6. Track Fucking Palin. And here’s why Mama Grizzly felt she had to speak up on behalf of the freedumb to wear ugly shackles as accessories. Yup, Sonnyboy fucked up again. Fine family you got there, you pious hypocrite!
7. Paul Fucking Nehlen. Heads up, Wisconsin, you’ve got an outright fascist running for the office Paul Fucking Ryan is about to vacate. It’s a dead giveaway that he supported Roy Fucking Child Molester Moore, too. You know what you all need to do about HIM, don’t you? PS: Uh, pretty sure what he’s advocating here is illegal. It is definitely a human rights violation. That alone ought to disqualify him from even running, but it IS the United States of Amnesia, where they looooove them some human-rights violators. PPS: Obvious antisemite is obvious. Twitter, are you gonna pull the plug on this piece of shit, already?
8. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. No, dear, your daddy is most assuredly NOT the first US president ever to openly talk about national security policy. It’s kind of part of the job. Don’t make me pull out a supercut of previous presidents doing it! PS: “America First” is a racist dog-whistle. And we all hear it loud and clear.
9. Charlie Fucking Nash. Damn right there are feminist witches cursing Donnie, the “alt”-right, and YOU. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to find my black candles and my hexing powder. And a cord to tie up this wax dummy, too.
10. George Fucking Zimmerman. Oh gawd, HIM AGAIN. George, do the world a favor and just feed yourself to an alligator, ‘kay?
11. Mark Fucking Taylor. Donnie’s not a scientist, but according to this clown, he’ll somehow work not one, but TWO scientific miracles before he’s out of office. O RLY? The only miracle I’d believe is if Jesus himself came to the White House with a cat-o’-nine-tails, and fucking DROVE him out.
12. Ben Fucking Carson. Bullshit, bullshit, bull-fucking-SHIT. That is all.
13. Kevin Fucking Jackson. There’s a plot afoot in the FBI to assassinate Donnie! Social media sez so! Uh, yeah. Pix or it didn’t happen, Kevvy.
14. Jim Fucking Bakker. No, Jimmeh’s not dead yet. Yes, he’s still on about Donnie being God’s supposedly chosen one. I wonder: when did God go bonkers? And since when has She been down with gerrymandering and blatant theft?
15. Adam Fucking Doucet. It’s been the Year of the Unhinged White Man, so here is one very unhinged white dude…who thought it a good idea to break into a black neighbor’s house and threaten to lynch him. PLOT TWIST: He’s not a Florida Man…he’s an Upstate New York Man! Because hey, why should the Crystal Meth Lab of the Deep South have all the fun?
16. Murat Fucking Bayaral. Meanwhile, in Turkey, we have the dumbest argument ever for men growing beards: Because a clean-shaven face apparently turns OTHER men gay by confusing them into thinking a man is a woman! Uh, NO. That’s not how this works. That’s not how anything works.
17. Wyatt Fucking Ingraham Fucking Koch. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how ridiculous this dude is. Not only is he a billionaire heir of the Kochtopus, he’s living proof that money can’t buy brains…OR taste.
18. Paul Fucking Ryan. He says he’s focused on “fixing Congress”? From where I sit, I can see that he’s done the opposite. It’s about as fucked up as it could ever be, short of being stacked wall-to-wall with handpicked cronies of Donnie Fucking Drumpf’s. This piece of shit is a bad joke, and sadly, women who’ve been sexually harassed and assaulted are the punchline.
19. Wes Fucking Goodman. Hey, bubba, nobody cares if you’re actually gay. No, we care that (a) you cheated on your wife while publicly promoting “natural marriage”, whatever the hell that is; (b) you did it with barely-legal dudes, some of whom didn’t actually consent to your touching, and (c) you also publicly championed vile fascist Freeze Peach on campus. And if you think that your hypocrisies won’t come back to bite you where it hurts, I have just four words for you: CHOMP FUCKING CHOMP, ASSHOLE.
20. Nikki Fucking Haley. Stomp and pout all you like, missy, but neither you nor your boss-man, Donnie Dollhands, are going to sway global opinion behind Apartheid Israel. The rest of the world has put both of you, and the US as well, on its shit-list first. So THERE.
21. W. Fucking Mitchell Nance. Merry Xmas, yeronner, you’re out of a job. Turns out that even in Kenfuckingtucky, being homophobic is no longer a safe meal ticket for a family court judge.
22. Steve Fucking Bannon. What a difference a year makes! Last year about this time, he was strutting and crowing about how his boy Donnie is gonna MAGA the fuck out of the world. Now, with everything crumbling and in tatters around him, and getting worse by the day for the rest of the world, he’s not only disavowing the Mafia Don, he’s actually planning a presidential run of his own. Which, given the track record of those he backed, should pan out just fucking boffo. PS: Hope you enjoy this coal you just got in your stocking, Ginblossoms. Merry Xmas from Robert Mueller! Ha, ha.
23. Sean Fucking Hannity. He wants NBC to take journalism lessons from itself? Looks like the Baby Jesus has fallen out of his manger for good, folks.
24. Mike Fucking Pence. He’s truly redefining what it means to be a vice-president of the US of Amnesia, is he not? What a pity that the definition has changed from “second in command” to “Fluffer in Chief”.
25. Steve Fucking Ecklund. Who the hell eats stir-fried cougar meat? This fucking barbarian, that’s who. And, really: When you even manage to get the normally quiet Laureen Harper to make salty remarks on Twitter about your penis size (!!!), you KNOW you’re overcompensating for one helluva lack in the sack.
26. Trey Fucking Gowdy. I’m sorry, Draco, were you saying something about Benghazi? I can’t hear you over the clank of the shackles that the FBI is making ready for you!
27. Mika Fucking Brzezinski. Why the hell should Mark Fucking Halperin’s harassment victims want to meet with him again, and who the hell cares if he’s “willing”? As I recall, it was them meeting with him and finding him “willing” that was the problem in the first place!
28. Pete Fucking Hoekstra. Welp, looks like the Netherlands are a no-go zone, all right. But only for Donnie’s bigoted ambassador, who is well on his way to being persona non grata!
29. E. Scott Fucking Lloyd. What’s the E stand for? Extremely Eediotic. Because what else could it be when you think an abortion for an underage refugee rape victim would only cause her to “experience an additional trauma”…as if giving birth to a criminal’s child that she never asked for would NOT?
30. John Fucking Kasich. And speaking of abortion and eejits, how about him? Exploiting disabled people to curtail women’s rights is not only downright cynical, it’s also illegal and unconstitutional. And it’s good for a whole stocking full of coal.
And finally, to all of Donnie’s fluffers, hanger-ons, dingleberries and butt-nuggets out there. If you think you’re gonna get anywhere with your sycophancy, chillax…you won’t. He’s just out for himself, and he doesn’t care about you. Sorry, NOT sorry to be the bearer of bad news…because if you’re dumb enough to still get behind him, you deserve the misery that’s coming for you, straight from the lords of Karma.
Good night, and get fucked!