You know I do, baby.
Crappy weekend, everyone! By now it’s obvious just how bad a spot the US of Amnesia is in, with Donnie the Dictator at the increasingly unsteady helm. It’s obvious that he’s demented. It’s obvious that he’s a fascist (he even retweets OTHER fascists, for fucksakes). It’s obvious that something must be done, and sooner rather than later. And so, while we’re waiting for the indictments to roll down and the impeachments to begin, how about we do the thing Donnie hates most…laugh and point? And here’s who ELSE we’re ridiculing this week, in no particular order…
1. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Ever notice how much he looks like a peptic ulcer with legs? Surely not because he’s straining so damn hard to reach that perfect macho image, eh?
2. Jeanine Fucking Lawson. Yeah, I’m not surprised that lesbian moms don’t like her. I don’t either, and I’m neither gay NOR a mom.
3. Nigel Fucking Farage. He never met a fascist he didn’t like…or a democrat he couldn’t smear. Careful, Nige, your true colors are showing.
4. Katie Fucking Hopkins. Finally, a bridge too far…and good ol’ Hatey Katie has been “effectively” sacked by the cowardly, wussy Daily Fail. One would ask what took them so long, but this is the same paper that cheered for Oswald Fucking Mosley and his schlumpy British Fascists, back in the day. So, one doesn’t ask; one just laughs and points.
5. Joel Fucking Pollak. A Ringo Starr song written (by the Sherman Brothers) for teenage boys to woo their girlfriends (or wish them a happy Sweet Sixteenth) is suddenly an excuse for grown men to go chasing after children? Now I’ve truly heard everything.
6. Bill Fucking Morneau. Yes, I know, stinky source. But just this once, the Scum — sorry, SUN — actually printed something by an NDPer. And I agree with every word.
7. Brian Fucking Stamp. Not feeling so tough now, are you, Mr. Knuckle-duster Gloves Nazi? Ha, ha. Maybe, if you don’t want to hurt your tender widdle baby hands, you should just stop being a violent right-wing thug, eh?
8. Jaime Fucking Phillips. Yeah, surprise…another phony from the laughably-named Project Veritas has been unmasked. By FACT-CHECKERS. Dear mainstream media, do yourselves a huge favor, and start employing them again. It will be a lot harder for anyone to call you “fake news” when you manage to get to the bottom of things the way you used to. And you might just find yourselves gaining readership and relevance again, too!
9. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how embarrassing it is to watch her trying to cover Donnie’s increasingly capacious ass.
10. Melania Fucking Drumpf. Hey! Remember Otho, the douchey decorator from Beetlejuice? Well, apparently he’s real. And she hired him to turn the White House into a holiday house of horrors!
11. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Hucky, Hucky, Hucky…how many times have you been told? If you have to ask whether something is racist, then yes, it probably IS. And yes, the Disney fake version of Pocahontas IS racist, because white people stole and twisted her story to make other white people feel better about indigenous genocides. And the real Pocahontas had an absolutely terrible and unromantic and thoroughly racist ending.
12. Angela Fucking Lansbury. It pains me to list Dame Angela…really, it does. But when she says that “sometimes” women must take the blame for sexual assault, that IS a wank. How many times do I have to say that we are responsible for no one else’s behavior — just our own? And no, we do not rape or sexually assault or harass ourselves. MEN DO THAT TO US. Aaargh. Are we clear now?
13. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Why yes, he IS that fucking dumb. It’s hereditary!
14. Ajit Fucking Pai. Now here, unlike #12, is someone it doesn’t pain me to list in the slightest. Because the idea that having more fascists, hatemongers, and crapitalism stinking up the internets makes us more “free” is just so transparently laughable.
15. Alex Fucking Jones. And speaking of fascism, hatemongering, crapitalism, and transparently laughable shit, here we have HIM. Whom I couldn’t NOT list, either, because damn — the chutzpah of calling Buzzfeed “fake news” when you’re the guy who’s been specializing in it from the outset? It is off the fucking CHARTS, y’all. PS: Holy shit. Lay off the paint chips already, dude…you’re crumbling before our eyes!
16. Roy Fucking Moore. And oh yeah, while we’re on the subject of off-the-charts chutzpah crumbling before our eyes, how ‘bout HIM? First he knew all the women who accused him of molesting them as teenagers, and now he doesn’t? Either he’s got the world’s fastest case of dementia, or he’s a fucking liar. Either way, that makes him unfit to hold office. PS: Ha, ha.
17. Lucian Fucking Wintrich. Oh Luuuuucy, you got some ‘splainin’ to do! And please, make it a good one. Your writing and your speeches are soooooo boooooring.
18. Jayda Fucking Fransen. And of course, no wanklist would be complete without at least one fascist from across the pond. Whom Donnie thought it worthwhile to retweet. I believe a yoinking of her Twitter account is in order, no? (And why the fuck does she have that blue checkmark, anyway? She’s not worthy.) PS: No, dear, you may NOT have a Get Out Of Jail Free card from Donnie. He holds no power in the UK, remember?
19. Tom Fucking Friedman. Been a while since I’ve listed him, so what the hey. I think that singing the praises of a power-mad Saudi prince as an “Arab Spring, Saudi style” more than qualifies him for inclusion here, no?
20. Matt Fucking Lauer. Welcome to unemployment, Ratty. And welcome to Karma, too. Now every douchey thing you said to women on air, ever, is under the microscope…thanks to shit you did to women OFF air. Hope your boner has a permanent sad.
21. Denise Fucking McAllister. Who? Oh, just some “federalist” bonehead who literally thinks it’s God’s will to elect a racist child-molester instead of a man who convicted a racist child-KILLER. Nobody special, in other words. Unless, of course, you’re talking the “kind of stupid” species of special.
22. Anthony Fucking Scaramucci. Hey, remember Donnie’s disgraced buddy, who tried to out-Donnie Donnie? I’m not surprised that he resigned his post to an advisory board at Tufts. What does surprise me is that he was even on such a board in the first place. Even with as little as such boards generally do, he was blatantly underqualified. And his assault on the student newspaper (no doubt for telling the truth about him) is just one more strike against him.
23. Pat Fucking Robertson. How touching of Patwa to be so concerned about the careers of “terrific” men who are constantly letching around behind the scenes. Remind me again why anyone considers this old creep to be any kind of moral authority?
24. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. It just so figures that he’d defend #20’s extreme douchebaggery. I’m just waiting for the skeletons to come tumbling out of ol’ Gerry Rivers’ closet, you guys. And look! Here comes one now!
25. Franklin Fucking Graham. Add one more name to the list of Roy Fucking Moore’s enablers. And chalk this up as a prime example of the devil quoting scripture to serve his own ends.
26. Morgan Fucking Casper. Bawww, looky — a Drumpfite’s feelings are hurt! What a pity that he’s not in the shoes of his disabled neighbor, who hurt his feelings by (correctly) pointing out how dumb he was for voting for Gropey McHatemonger. After all, it’s not HIS life at stake. Just his feelings. Well, dude, as your fellow Drumpf voters have so often said: FUCK YOUR FEELINGS. If you can’t see that it’s not about your feelings but your neighbor’s right to exist, you really are too dumb to vote. Just as Donnie — a racist egomaniac who’s constantly on about HIS feelings while blatantly disregarding all else — is too dumb to president.
27. Tom Fucking McBroom. And speaking of feelings in need of a good fucking, how about this racist, who thinks that a murdered man’s girlfriend only wants that settlement money so that she can buy crack? Something tells me he wouldn’t be so “concerned” about how she spent the money if she and her late boyfriend were white, and if the murderer were not a cop.
28. Marsha Fucking Blackburn. #14 said something incredibly stupid, so she, of course, had to say “Me too!” And no, we’re not referring to the sexual misconduct hashtag.
29. Tony Fucking Hovater. Once more, with feeling: If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re spotted in the mob, and you lose your fuckin’ job, if you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap stomp stomp YEE-HAW!)
30. Blake Fucking Richards. Heckling so much in the House of Commons that the Speaker himself has to call you out by name…and when you don’t shut up, he has you thrown out? How rude. How undignified. In short: How CONSERVATIVE!
And finally, to the lovely, LOVELY losers of the “alt”-right, who are also having a no-good, very-bad week of their own. Special shout-out to Jack Fucking Posobiec, who’s probably gonna be getting a knock from the FBI on his own door for libelling them all over the Internets. And to Gavin Fucking McInnes, whose nasty, icky sexual past has resurfaced to bite him. Good folks of the Wayback Machine, you may want to archive Gavvy’s not-so-proud pre-proudboy history, in which he wanked daily on the job in a circle jerk with his fellow Viceniks, and rubbed dicks inside a condom with another man during a very faily threesome attempt (no homo, though!)…in case it gets expunged by Peter Fucking Thiel’s attempts, so far unsuccessful, to buy up Gawker just so he can drive a stake through it for good.
Good night, and get fucked!