Wankers of the Week: No more reindeer games


Crappy weekend, everyone! And a very crappy December to one and all. It’s that time of year again…when the pre-holiday tensions start to mount, and the wanks and stupidity mount with them. And here’s who’s flying by the seat of their pants, which are caught on the antlers of Santa’s reindeer…in no particular order:

1. Chuck Fucking Grassley. First cracker out of the box, and boy howdy, is HE projecting! No, of course regular folks won’t spend tax cuts on “booze and women”…because what do you think the Repugs and their private-sector cronies and lobbyists need THAT money for?

2. Nigel Fucking Farage. And speaking of booze and women, shorter him: Britain First! Britain First! But first, give me my EU pension. After all, I deserve it for fucking up Britain’s economic prospects forever!

3. Marek Fucking Zakrocki. While we’re still on the subject of Britain First: Dude, you’re POLISH. You’re not even a Brit. Nevertheless, your touching, terroristic loyalty is duly noted. As is your overt neo-Nazism and your boring, banal machismo. It’s like you fucking clowns learned NOTHING from what happened to your country in World War II, eh?


4. Jack Fucking Hadfield. And speaking of overt neo-Nazis and other associated scum from Britain, we have him. Working for Bitefart with the rest of the usual suspects. And coming up with the same lame old Freeze Peach excuse for it all. If ever a website deserved to be shut down, this one and Stormfront both should be shuttered on the same day. Because it’s two different outhouses for the same damn shit.

5. Richard Fucking Spencer. Meanwhile, Dowdy Dickie couldn’t even file his legal paperwork for nonprofit fund-raising in a timely and proper manner. Whatever happened to that law-abiding “civic” nationalism? Who the hell cares, he doesn’t even need the money…his parents and their inherited slave-plantation fortune are footing all his legal bills, as well as his not-so-legal activities. Just more proof of how fit the so-called “Master Race” really is to run anything.

6. Sydney Fucking White. Man, we are on a neo-Nazi ROLL here, aren’t we, kiddies. And this lesser northern one is truly a sight to behold. Ironically, she likes to lecture on “Studies in Propaganda”. And of course, she would know, seeing as she’s full of it!


7. Pamela Fucking Anderson. It pains me to list her, kinda sorta. But seeing as she, a multiple victim of sexual assault and abuse, has decided to go the blame-the-victims route (and accuses anyone who disagrees with her of “groupthink”), well…let’s just say she’s brought this one on herself. Self-policing has never helped ANYONE who’s been sexually assaulted, and I know this one from personal experience. Until everything changes, NOTHING changes. And that means that society as a whole has got to do it…not just us little individual survivors. Because our “agency” does not exist.

8. Tomi Fucking Lahren. On the other hand, I’m not a bit pained to list her…because stupid opportunist is fucking STUPID. Especially when it comes to Venezuela, where she has never been and whose language (Spanish) she probably can’t speak a word of. Because if she did, she’d realize that the toilet-paper shortages there…are fake. Like FUX Snooze. And made in the US of Amnesia too…like you know what and you know who.

9. Brock Fucking Turner. He’s baa-aaack…and he’s trying to clear his not-so-good name, seeing as that sex-offender designation for “20 minutes of action” is about to follow him around for life and spoil his appetite for steaks. How about a HELL NO?


10. Lou Fucking Dobbs. Yes, he’s still alive. No, dementia hasn’t killed him yet. But it HAS eaten his brain. Sadly, though, not enough of it to make him stop moving his mouth.

11. John Fucking McCain. Yes, he’s still alive, too. No, brain cancer hasn’t killed him yet. And while that might make his “please clap” moment seem rather sad, may I take this moment to remind you that in one of the last votes of his career, he has taken all hope of treatment away from others in the same boat as he, which is entirely in keeping with the fact that he’s also a man who once referred to his own lovely wife as a “cunt”? In other words: Sorry, NOT sorry, John.

12. Walter Eugene Fucking Brazington, Jr. We are known by the company we keep…and in this pimp — oh sorry, preacher-man’s case, it’s the kind of company you can hire for pay, by the hour. And, bonus! She’s also a “proud” white supremacist…oh sorry, “Aryan”. (Wait till she learns that the word doesn’t mean what she thinks it means.)


13. Dustin Fucking Hoffman. It pains me to list him…a whole lot less than I once thought it would, to be honest. Mainly because he’s accusing John Oliver of doing to him what he’s been doing to himself since the dawn of his acting career, at the very least. Longer, in fact, if what he once told Playboy is any indication.

14. Elaine Fucking Chao. Thanks a lot…for a whole lotta NOTHING, Elaine. What do you think working women have been doing for fucking FOREVER? If that response (or non-repsonse, rather) is the best you’ve got, you’re not fit for the job you’re supposed to be doing.

15. Andrew Fucking Anglin. Bawwwww, snowflake, diddums. Izzums unhappy that oo look like shit? Well, suck it up, buttercup…because you ARE a shit. A racist, fascist, NAZI shit. Fuck your feelings, snowflake.


16. Dylan Fucking Howard. Oh, I am so SHOCKED that a leading tabloid attack dog for Donnie & Co. turns out to be a sexual molester…said no woman EVER.

17. Jeff Fucking Fogg. You know you’re crooked when you can’t make one corruption court date…because you’ve been arrested for another such incident, this time in El Salvador. Ha, ha.

18. Bethany Fucking Sherman. Awww, wookit da widdle Nazi, whining and pouting when she’s been found out! Sad news, snowflake: Your “I’m just proud of being white” act ain’t fooling anyone. And you got fired for it? You had it coming. Once more, with feeling: If you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) f you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re spotted in the mob, and you lose your fuckin’ job, if you’re a Nazi and you’re fired, IT’S YOUR FAULT! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)


19. Daryl Fucking Metcalfe. Oh, you’re a heterosexual? Congratulations. It must be so hard for you not to catch the gay from all the men you only imagine must be after your ass. I, for one, fully expect to hear that one day, you’ve been busted for taking a wide stance in a public washroom.

20. Nick and Sarah Fucking Jensen. Let’s list them as a unit, shall we…because they are united in their homophobia, hypocrisy, dumbth…and oh yeah, despite their earlier promise to get divorced if same-sex marriage becomes legal in Australia, they’re also still legally a unit, too!

21. Heather Fucking Higgins. Lame excuse is LAME. Just because something was “not that unusual” in Alabama 40 years ago doesn’t mean it’s actually acceptable to do, EVER. Remember, they used to lynch black folks in Alabama not so long ago, too.


22. Ralph Fucking Shortey. And in other news of IOKIYAR, we have him…caught on camera with a teenage boy, and still claiming nothing’s wrong. Even though child sex trafficking is very wrong, and ol’ Shorteyes knows it. But the best part of all is his shirt: Ephesians 5:22, which tells women to “submit to their husbands”, coupled with the old “make me a sammitch” canard. Oddly enough, though, Ephesians is completely silent about letting your husband fuck prostituted children behind your back. Is boy-buggering also a “sacred Christian tradition”, along with those obscene shirts?

23. Erik Fucking Prince. And speaking of “sacred Christian traditions” that are really questionable…how about that one of running mercenary armies? Yeah. He went there.

24. Roy Fucking Moore. Have we listed ol’ Roy Boy again yet this week? No? Well, here he is, saying some absolutely incredibly fuckwitted things about the “family values”…of SLAVERY.


25. Trent Fucking Franks. I know it’s often been said that Repugs just see women as sex-dispensing machines and incubators, but it’s still kind of shocking (and gross) to see one of them being so damn literal about it and all. Dude, The Handmaid’s Tale is a cautionary fable, NOT an instruction manual!

26. Steve Fucking King. Haven’t listed him in a while, but hey. Here he is, showing that he’s still full fascist, and even quoting a Hungarian fascist (their embarrassingly awful prime monster), to boot. Iowa, just when ARE you planning on feeding this one to the Children of the Corn?

27. Ryan Fucking Zinke. Meanwhile, in Montana, All Hat And No Cattle decided that since there are no swamps in that state to be drained, he’s gonna just dig his own…and fill it with luxury air travel at taxpayers’ expense.


28. Bryan Fucking Singer. Of COURSE he’ll probably work with Kevin Fucking Spacey…that is, if either of them ever works again. After all, they not only share the same proclivities, they also went to the same parties, where the same awful shit went down…and Hollywood is starting to enter purge mode. In other words: Good luck finding work, fellas, you’re gonna need it!

29. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. Not that he’s not a wanker all the time, but dude, do not EVER open your mouth about trans kids. There is no way you can keep your foot out of it.

30. Yonatan Fucking Razel. If your extremist religiosity doesn’t permit you to look at women, and you thus can’t do so without having “impure” thoughts and needing to tape your eyes shut…why the hell are you even performing at a music festival specifically aimed AT women?


And finally, to Lauren Fucking Southern, Tara Fucking McCarthy, and all the other too-dumb-to-live Little Hitlerettes of the so-called “alt”-right. Yes, folks, they’re shocked, SHOCKED to find actual Nazi attitudes in their we-are-so-not-Nazis Nazi movement. And they’re shocked, SHOCKED to find that those Little Hitlers want them to shut up, go home, make sammitches, and start popping out the 14-words babies. Even dumber (and funnier) still, they want to think that those “low status anonymous trolls” who make up their entire fucking movement are leftist feminists trying to “cultivate gender infighting”. No, idiotesses, we’re not behind it…because we don’t need to be. Your side really IS that full of shit, always has been, and now it’s all over your faces. Even the Germans have noticed how awful you all smell. All we’re doing is holding our ribcages together as we keel over laughing and pointing at all of you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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