Crappy weekend, everyone! It’s now less than ten days till Xmas, and you know what I’m singing? That’s right…it’s the most blunderful time of the year! And here’s who bumbled their way onto my shitlist this week, in no particular order:
1. Donald Fucking Drumpf, Jr. Dude, do you really need to be told that you do NOT mess with Katniss Everdeen…or the denizens of the tweeter? Ha, ha.
2. Brian Fucking Pallister. He’s a tall man…and you know what that means, don’t you kiddies? Yup…he’s got a mighty big foot, and a mighty big mouth to stick it in. Ha, ha.
3. Jay Fucking Swingler. Sometimes, Teh Stoopid kills people. And sometimes, it just doesn’t come close enough. Especially when Teh Stoopid is the kind who’ll do anything for YouTube views. Maybe the next time we read his name, it will be on the Darwin Awards website? Let us pray…
4. David Fucking Clarke. Donnie is doing WHAT? Oh HELL no. Dude, go find some cattle to go with that hat, because right now, there is nothing but bullshit emanating from under it.
5. Mitch Fucking McConnell. Oh look, Yertle the Turtle is getting fractious! Guess who’s gonna be getting poop in his stocking when the next election day rolls around?
6. Cheryl Fucking Hall. No, Donnie isn’t God. And MAGA isn’t a religion. And you…are a delusional cultist idiot committing the sin of idolatry.
7. Danielle Fucking Bregoli. No, she didn’t get a full ride to Harvard. First off, she’s 14. Second, she’s a high-school dropout. And third, she’s a wanker whose sole claim to fame is mouthing off on the Dr. Phil show. Her 15 minutes were up an hour ago. Hahvud has admitted and even graduated more than its share of dubious people, but something tells me they draw the line at this.
8. Kayla Fucking Moore. Is this the new “Some of my best friends are black”? Congratulations, you have a Jewish lawyer. Big fucking deal. Doesn’t mean you’re not antisemitic, especially if you hired ‘em based on stereotypes about, you know, Jewish lawyers.
9. Kimberly Fucking Jones. It’s one thing to have a bullied kid. But to try to MONETIZE said kid and his suffering at the hands of others? And to go around bullying others yourself, and talking about “picking switches”, when you’re not being flat-out racist and bringing said kid up to do the same? Yeah…that makes you a disgusting fraud. Ain’t nobody going and funding YOU, lady, so sit your ass down. Take as many hard seats as you like. Hey, you said you were into “porch therapy”!
10. Nigel Fucking Farage. Shorter: Muslims from Pakistan trafficking child sex slaves? EVIL! Christians from Alabama doing the same? CRICKETS. No, ol’ Nige isn’t a bit biased. Why do you ask?
11. Franklin Fucking Graham. You prayed for the losing candidate to win? Better start praying for yourself to catch a clue…although, given that God is a black woman, She might take Her sweet time getting ‘round to you.
12. Roy Fucking Moore. Yes, that’s right, #8’s Dear Hubby also made the cut. In fact, it’s been a banner week for him, between picking up that Nazi endorsement for “quoting Hitler correctly”, the new “some of my best friends are black” canard, the “totally not a pervert because he accidentally-on-purpose visited a child brothel in Vietnam” bit of WTFery, and oh yeah: getting a little girl even younger than his former “dates” (read: VICTIMS) to “interview” him about all the constitutional amendments he wants to do away with — including, conveniently, the ones allowing women and minorities to vote. And given that women and minorities just handed him his ass in this election, I guess it’s not hard to see why!
13. Shawn Fucking White. And in case you thought #9 was a fluke, here’s her ex. A white supremacist, complete with the ugly haircut and tattoos. If anyone’s bullying that poor kid, I’d say it’s starting at home. Hello, Child Protection Services?
14. Jason Fucking Nixon. Meanwhile, in Alberta, we have this dear, DEAR friend of Jason Fucking Kenney’s…who proves that the two are peas in a pod, and not just in terms of first names. And yes, it just so figures that this one would join the Party of Female Oppression.
15. Mo Fucking Brooks. Karma’s a bitch, innit? And it looks like she’s got this one by the…no, not the balls. Think further in, and well up the ass. And then ask yourself what bad living practices he may have engaged in to deserve this. Surely not trying to kick people off of affordable health insurance, eh?
16. Mike Fucking Pence. You know you’ve failed as a Christian when the holy cryptkeeper of Jerusalem has sworn never to let you in. And really, it’s a no-brainer: Why bother claiming to follow the Prince of Peace when your real boss has pretty much just touched a lit match to the whole Middle East powder keg?
17. Blake Fucking Farenthold. Know that saying about how even if you only hump a goat in jest, you’re still a goat-humper in all earnest? Well, guess who just screwed the goat…yup, THIS guy. And no, he wasn’t kidding!
18. Sean Fucking Hannity. Sorry, Baby Jesus, but you can’t get away from the fact that you plunked for the pedophile. And now you’re tripping over your own clodhoppers in your haste to distance yourself, because your dick’s not big enough.
19. Alex Fucking Jones. And speaking of clodhoppers and small dicks, here he is, making predictably lame excuses for why his pedophile candidate lost in Alabama. Hey Alex, your “research” is crap. It’s done by the same people who insist that eating lead is good for your brain!
20. Steve Fucking Bannon. Yes, the Wall Street Urinal is Captain Obvious here when it calls him and his handpicked candidates losers. But remember, there was a time when literally anything with an R after its name — or a swastika tattooed on its forehead — got a free pass from them. This guy is so bad that they’re no longer doing that, which is…good?
21. Jerry Fucking Moore. Yup, that’s right, Judge Dreadful’s own brother got in on the stoopid. Because the one getting his ass kicked just wasn’t butthurt enough, apparently. But God just called, and wants to make a couple of things clear: (a) She’s a black woman, and (b) you don’t speak for Her, so keep Her name out of your mouth.
22. Bill Fucking Mitchell. And right on cue, out come the disinfo trolls to try to discredit a fair-and-square victory for a candidate who would have been a shoo-in anywhere BUT the deep fucking south. Typical!
23. Kirk Fucking Humphreys. Oh shit, and here comes the “being gay is the same as being a pedophile” canard, too. Right on schedule! I wonder, though: Is being straight also the same as being a pedophile? Because there are an awful lot of men who can’t seem to lay off the girls…
24. Jon Fucking Ritzheimer. He’s a convicted felon who can’t vote in elections, as well as being a big weepy fascist fuckhead who illegally occupied government property and trashed a bird sanctuary…but he CAN run for office? Something here just doesn’t smell right.
25. Paul Fucking Ryan. You want women to have more babies? Try giving them reasons not to dread bringing more hungry mouths into this world…like more and better paying jobs, a cleaner environment, healthcare for all, net neutrality, birth control and abortion for their daughters…you know, BASIC HUMAN NECESSITIES? But knock it off with this whole “make (white) babies for the state” bullshit…because unless the future depends on them for something beyond cannon fodder, you’re just yelling down a dry well. PS: Well, look who just fucked off as the water was starting to boil around him. How convenient…YOU FUCKING COWARD!
26. Carl Fucking Benjamin. Well, finally…Carl of Swindon, otherwise known as not-Sargon of definitely-not-Akkad, has come out of the fash-trash closet. What took you so long, you equivocating coward?
27. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Because hey, if dear ol’ Dad could insinuate that a female Democratic senator is some kind of prostitute, why not just follow in his bumbling footsteps?
28. Andrew Fucking Leonie. No, every man is NOT a victim of sexual discrimination, harassment, or assault. The overwhelming majority of them are not victimized in the slightest, and a large number of them are, in fact, perpetrators. And their entire gender is the beneficiary of the unlevel playing field that’s been created by that. But hey! Nice to see you victimizing yourself out a job, asswipe.
29. Matthew Fucking Spencer Fucking Petersen. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how predictably absurd it is that one of Donnie’s so-called judicial nominees…has zero understanding of the laws he’s supposed to be interpreting from the bench!
30. Pete Fucking Besserer. Once more, with feeling: If you can’t afford to pay your workers a living wage, you don’t belong in business! And that said: Good fucking riddance to bad fucking rubbish. That’s YOU, sir. And good luck with your future job search…you’re gonna need it!
And finally, to Ajit Fucking Pai. It wasn’t enough for this former employee of a major telecom (whose hand is still apparently up his ass) to kill net neutrality. No, he just had to go dancing on its grave…with an idiotess from the Daily Caller, the very one who promoted the phony Pizzagate story and nearly got a bunch of kids killed while they were eating pizza. And when he was done doing that, he pissed on the grave with a fidget spinner whirling at the end of his dong while the Harlem Shuffle played in the background. And of course, the creator of the Harlem Shuffle song has now sued him…and come out in favor of net neutrality. Merry Christmas, Ajit…you filthy fucking animal.
Good night, and get fucked!