Wankers of the Week: Year-End Yahoos of 2017

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Crappy weekend, everyone! And a crappy New Year to one and all. Welp, kiddies, it’s getting down to the wire…last wankapedia of what was, indubitably, a very shitty year. One I’ll be glad to see the back of. Along with these bozos, in no particular order:

1. Sam Fucking Haskell. Misogyny and general vileness, a mere “mistake of words”? I think not. You had ample time to consider the effect your words would have BEFORE you typed them out and hit SEND, you jackass. And now you know why I consider beauty pageants to be a piss-poor way to empower women, eh kids?

2. Danny Fucking McComas. You can’t remember dragging a lobbyist around your office by her hair? Funny, but she can’t seem to forget!

3. Orrin Fucking Hatch. Because you just know that Donnie couldn’t have dismantled all those national monuments and natural wonders on his own, here you go, folks — the longest-serving Repugnican senator from Utah, and the one who will be remembered forever as The Man Who Fucked His Own State For Thirty Shekels.

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4. Bibi Fucking Netanyahu. On behalf of absolutely no one with an ounce of intelligence, I’d like to thank Bibi for valiantly fighting the nonexistent War On Christmas…by making it part of his country’s official greetings. Shalom, alter kacker.

5. Steve Fucking Mnuchin. Someone sent him a load of what he’s been trying (to no avail) to sell to the people of the US of Amnesia, namely horseshit. Sadly, our hero got the address wrong and the bomb squad had to be called out. But hey! At least now someone who’s truly earned such a token of esteem knows how everyone REALLY feels about him!

6. Rick Fucking Santorum. Oh, Icky Ricky…I just don’t know how to quit you! Especially not when you whip it out to piss all over workers and their unions, who are the real heroes of the season.

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7. Ben Fucking Caspit. When all of Israel’s shitty Likudnik government and the IDF’s Torquemada-like command is vying with each other for the title of Most Vile, leave it to a local journo to top them all by suggesting a night-and-fog operation worthy of the Nazis. Problem is, the whole world is watching to see what happens to Ahed Tamimi and her family…and indeed, all of Palestine. And everyone is grimacing in disgust at their fascist media shitlickers, too. PS: Shitty mansplaining is mansplainy. Also shitty.

8. Paula Fucking White. Once more, with feeling: “Merry Christmas” was never banned, and Jesus was all over the White House for as long as there’s fucking BEEN a White House. Someone please give this woman a history book, because her bible just ain’t cuttin’ it.

9. Arielle La Fucking Jardinière. Dear vegan friends, please, if you say you’re doing it to “suck less”, just stop. Because this woman, like PETA, is living proof that vegans suck just as hard as any other boss in the crapitalist ruling class. They just happen to do it in a plant-based way.

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10. Francis Fucking Rooney. Something needs to be purged, but it’s not the FBI or the DOJ, and it’s not for the sake of Donnie. It’s the legislative branch, and every Repug and Repug-lite in it needs to go…for the sake of the PEOPLE.

11. Ann Fucking Coulter. Oh look, the Coultergeist got over her loneliness of singledom…just long enough to get Xmas terribly wrong. Ann, go back to bitching about how lonely and empty you are, because at least that much is true.

12. Rachael Fucking Ray. Rebranding Palestinian food as “Israeli” won’t make occupation kosher…or apartheid palatable. It will, however, make you a laughingstock to the rest of the world.

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13. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Holy fucking shit. When you even manage to be so god-awfully stupid that even you jolt Bill Fucking Kristol into actually telling the truth, that is indeed a rare feat of imbecility.

14. Corey Fucking Lewandowski. Surprise! Looks like having your boss-man in charge of the nation’s business (for how much longer, one wonders?) isn’t going to grant you legal immunity from prosecution. Especially not for sexual harassment. Doesn’t matter what sector you work in now, you are equally subject to prosecution either way!

15. Oren Fucking Hazan. Mang, has this been a week for shitty Israelis acting shitty, or what? This one was projecting his own insecurities onto the mother of a Palestinian prisoner, and it’s all down on video. He even promoted it on his own Facebook page, to boot. What a fuckass!

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16. Roy Fucking Moore. Yes, he’s still wanking. No, he won’t go away. Even though he hasn’t a hope in Hades of winning now.

17. Franklin Fucking Graham. No, Rosie O’Donnell doesn’t have the keys to hell…and neither, for that matter, do you. But then again, as Sartre said, hell is other people…and on the basis of how many he’s driven into instant misery, Paul Fucking Ryan is looking pretty damn satanic right now. And so are you for defending him, and having the audacity to attack those who rightly point out what a little shit he is.

18. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. Aaaand now we know why Simon & Schuster withdrew their quarter-million-dollar offer to publish his crappy book. When it’s just one big, dumb, trolly shitpost after another, even conservative editors don’t want to kill trees for it.

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19. Jeff Fucking Sessions. He wants to bring back debtors’ prisons for the most vulnerable? Land of the Free, my ASS.

20. Phil Fucking McGraw. Can we honestly be surprised to learn that a TV “doctor” has been plying addicted “patients” with drugs and alcohol to boost his ratings? Pretty sure that’s illegal. Absolutely fucking certain that it’s unethical!

21. Ivanka Fucking Drumpf. If you’re trying to wangle invites to the royal wedding, fuggedaboudit. Especially if you intend to take your Cheeto-dusted dad as your plus-one.

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22. Jack Fucking Breuer. Oh surprise! One of Donnie’s own oh-so-white interns was caught on camera, flashing the White Power sign. And he used to work with another notorious flasher of the same gang sign, too. Please note that it is STILL not okay…and not to be confused with an “OK”, either! PS: And of course he denies it. River in Egypt, Cleo!

23. Paul Fucking Hewson. Oh surprise! One of the biggest crapitalist wankers in the music industry (and one who became irrelevant two decades ago) decided to pipe up about how “girly” the music industry has become. Because the only anger that should ever make it to the charts is that of petulant white males like himself, don’tcha know?

24. Larry Fucking Kilgore. Sorry, but you don’t get to murder gay people, there are no legal bestiality brothels in Germany, and if you killed adulterers, you’d probably have to off yourself. Because if I know one thing about tough-talkin’ ‘winger guys like you, it’s that you have an awful lot of grotty little skeletons in your own closets.

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25. Jason Fucking Kenney. He’s going to raise the bar of decorum in the Alberta Legislature, you guys! You know what to do from now on, right? Every time he or one of his U-Cons has a wank, you take a drink. And try not to die of alcohol poisoning, y’hear?

26. Nick Fucking Kouvalis. Ding dong, Frod Nation is dead. And its leading strategist and crapagandist-in-chief is probably jonesing for a drink right about now, but he’s not going to get any where he’s headed. Ha, ha.

27. Scott Fucking Pruitt. So, “true environmentalism” means rape, pillage, and pissing all over the environment? Yeah, I guess that makes sense, in a fucked-up sort of way. It also explains why Donnie picked this bozo to head up the EPA, and why the EPA is literally swimming in shit right now.

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28. Gareth Fucking Gwyther. Hey, how’s it feel to have to pay compensation to one of those evil Muslims whom you accused of coming to steal your jobs? Maybe, in future, you’ll watch your mouth before you open it again.

29. Marco Fucking Rubio. Oh, NOW he admits that maybe giving tax cuts to big corporations wasn’t such a good idea? But at the same time, he thinks it’s “better than the current tax code”? I guess he thinks whatever they pay him to think, and beyond that, he doesn’t. At all.

30. Alex Fucking Jones. Of course he has a fucked-up conspiracy theory about the latest Star Wars episode, because of COURSE. Sun gotta rise, snow gotta fall, Alex gotta make no fucking sense at all.

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And finally, to the not-man of the year, dear ol’ Donnie himself. Who of course isn’t working right now, but golfing, and hilariously trying to cover up the fact that he’s golfing instead of working. When he’s not busy tweeting inanities from the shitter — which also isn’t working, natch. What will the New Year hold in store for him? Worse and more of the same, unless he’s finally impeached. Or otherwise removed from office. At this point, let’s just say I’m not too particular as to how his reign of fuckery will end. I’ll accept whatever it takes, even if it happens to be something as lowly as a cerebral artery in his own head that has simply decided it’s had enough of his lifestyle abuse.

Good night, and get fucked straight into next year!

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