Wankers of the Week: Girth of a Nation

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, it’s been just over a year now since Donnie took office like a kid with his fat little fingers in the candy jar, and the verdict is in: He can’t president for shit! He lies chronically and pathologically, he cheats, and before you know it, Robert Mueller will have all the hard evidence (required for impeachment) that he also steals. The government has shut down as I begin this list, and the women are uppity again. And that, I’m sure, was just the fun part. The not-so-fun part follows, in no particular order:

1. Mike Fucking Pence. Yeah, remember him? Donnie’s second-in-command? If you ever wanted to know just how good a Christian he is NOT, check out how he reacted when criticized (with every right) by a gay figure skater who hasn’t forgotten when Mikey used to be all about that anti-gay conversion “therapy” (note the quotes, there for a reason). And then remember how Mikey is also all about covering Donnie’s lying, cheating, thieving ass, RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. PS: And this isn’t helping, either. PPS: And neither is this.

2. Patrick Fucking Meehan. Remember when the Repugs were all about those good ol’ family values, personal responsibility, fiscal responsibility, etc.? Yeah, I’m sure HE does, too. Why else use taxpayer money to pay off a sexual harassment settlement, i.e. HUSH MONEY? PS: Ew, ew, EW.

3. Diane Fucking Black. Blame Obama for something that happened a year after he left office, and more to the point, was done by the same band of obstructionist jackasses (including YOURSELF) who made his eight years in office so hellish? At long last, “lady”, find a new refrain to sing.

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4. John Fucking Gray. Single women are somehow lesser because of how we’re “walking”? Um, NO. How about teaching men to walk the husband walk, for a change, instead of the Perennial Bachelor Even When Married walk? (And no, Ciara, marrying is NOT “leveling up”. Because if, God forbid, your husband ever cheats on you…how is that “up”?)

5. Scott Fucking Simms. Once more, with feeling: CANADA IS NOT A THEOCRACY. YOU CAN HOLD ANY OPINION ON ABORTION YOU LIKE, BUT YOU DO NOT GET TAXPAYER FUNDING TO JAM YOUR OPINIONS DOWN OTHERS’ THROATS, OR FOR ANY SUMMER JOB WHERE YOU HAVE TO LIE TO OTHERS ABOUT A SAFE, LEGAL MEDICAL PROCEDURE. (Sorry for the ALL FUCKING CAPS SHOUTING, but some people really are hard of hearing.)

6. This fucking coward in the Pepe the Frog hoodie, who thought it was a cute idea to put up white-supremacist stickers during the Women’s March, but somehow his White Pride™ failed him when it came time to stand up and let his pudgy white face be identified. Sorry I couldn’t name him, but I can still shame him!

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7. Ryan Fucking Zinke. Is it too soon to start calling him Crooked Ryan and chanting “Lock Him Up”? No? Oh good, because from now on, that’s what we all should do.

8. Elle Fucking Darby. Yes, I’m aware that it’s the Age of Influencers™, that PR is king, and that paying is for peons. Nevertheless, your social media reach (which is really below mediocre) isn’t going to be paying anyone’s bills, as the hotelier you tried to hit up pointed out rather eloquently (along with his own social media reach, which somehow outstrips yours). You’re not entitled to anything free, other than maybe a kick in the ass. And no one cares if you’re young and just wanna have fun at someone else’s expense before you get all old and boring like the rest of the universe. Your schtick’s old already. And you might want to do your homework before deciding that someone else “needs” you to promote their place on your insipid Instagram.

9. Sue Fucking Peterson. Excuse me, but what part of the First Amendment do you not understand? Start again with the part about Congress making no laws respecting religion, and work from there. You are an elected official, and you have no excuses.

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10. Mark Fucking Neuhoff. Hey Virginia Tech, you gonna do something about this turd? Because he’s really starting to stink the joint up with his Nazified fumings. Flush the damn toilet already, and don’t forget to wash your hands! Nazism is not just gross, it’s fucking contagious.

11. Roger Fucking Wicker. The US gummint shutdown may be over now, but I bet the teenage girl pages of the House were not exactly happy to hear that news…not least of all because now they’d have to be dodging THIS guy all over again.

12. Kevin Fucking Swanson. If a fictional romance between a woman and a sea creature spells “the end of civilization as we know it”, your civilization is built upon SAND. Just sayin’.

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13. Tom Fucking Kawczynski. “Pro-white” is not racist? Au contraire, mon frère, it has never been anything BUT racist. And if you’re against bringing in people from other cultures to the US of Amnesia, you might want to go the fuck back to Poland, where YOUR ancestors came from. I mean, if you’re gonna be insular, be really fucking insular. Go big AND go home. Capisce? PS: Aaaand buhbye! Ha, ha.

14. Tony Fucking Perkins. When the hell were you ever “kicked around” by Barack Obama and his so-called leftists? Other than at the ballot box, which is fair and square in a democracy? I think you’re giving Donnie a lot of leeway because he caters to all your bigotries, including the racist one that dares not squeak its name. Otherwise, why forgive him for fucking a porn star and paying her hush money?

15. Lamar Fucking Alexander. Throwing a talking stick across the Senate chamber because you don’t like being told to wait your turn? What are you in, kindergarten?

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16. Terrie Fucking Butcher. Look, I get it…not everybody likes Tupac Shakur. I’m not a fan either. But I don’t whip out any racist slurs at him, or his music. Then again, I don’t live in Alabama, where shit like this is apparently still considered normal.

17. Sarah Fucking Huckabee Fucking Sanders. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how awful you have to be to make Rosie O’Donnell’s list of the damned. Congrats, Sarah, and keep up the (cough) good work.

18. Natalia Fucking Martinez. Oh look, another cute little white girl saying “nigger-nigger-nigger” on her fake Instagram account. And she thought no one would find out, or exact any consequences, like, oh, say, ostracizing her at school. That’s so cute, Nat! You’re out, Nat! Don’t let the door hit your little white ass, Nat!

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19. Credell Fucking Calhoun. And again, as with #9: What part of the First Amendment don’t you understand? Yeah, I know it’s Mississippi, and sometimes a black Democrat’s gotta go along to get along, but this is fucking ridiculous. And UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

20. Lara Fucking Drumpf. Honey, you’re a fine one to go calling other women dumb. You married a hideous idiot for his old man’s money. Don’t go throwing rocks at what you don’t understand. Remember, pussy grabs back. And you are just one small part of what they’re marching against.

21. Larry Fucking Nassar, AGAIN. No, dude, those young women who denounced you aren’t “scorned”. And they’re not after any “attention” OR “rewards”. They don’t want you, and they don’t care if you wanted them or not. All they care about is seeing your lying, molesting, rapey ass go to jail and stay there, where it fucking belongs. Capisce?

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22. Jack Fucking Posobiec. Oh surprise, Nazi Jacky Boy is also looking to cheat on his wife! These far-right-wingers and their wholesome Family Values are, as always, the biggest hypocrites. As for what’s smallest about them, it’s a toss-up between their hearts, their brains, and in the case of the cis males, their gonads.

23. Trey Fucking Gowdy. Oh lord. Remember how, last week, I jokingly wondered what he was doing for an encore since “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi” is now over, over, OVER? Well, it appears we have an answer, and that answer is: He found a whole ’nother way to make an ass of himself. Figures, figures, FIGURES!

24. Michael Fucking Oren. You think Ahed Tamimi is an actress? And you think we’ll think she’s an actress, too? Oh dude, you’ve been eating Tide-pod sammitches, haven’t you?

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25. Courtland Fucking Sykes. You want to come home to a home-cooked dinner every night, eh? Well, dude, instead of expecting women to do it for you, how’s about you learn to work a crockpot and a bread machine? That’s home cookin’ too. Oh, and do us all a favor while you’re at it, and DON’T FUCKING BREED. The last thing any girl child needs is an oaf like you for a father.

26. Ron Fucking Johnson. Sir, please put on this conical cap and go join #23 in Dumbass Corner. Thanks.

27. Jason Fucking Kenney. Oh, so you say you’ve learned from your mistakes as a member of Harpo’s government? Funny, but all those anti-choicers circling around your UCP table for scraps and bones would put the lie to THAT contention.

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28. Patrick Fucking Brown. Meanwhile, in Ontario, THIS happened. And just think, he can’t even use the old “I was drunk and didn’t know what I was doing” excuse! Who says there’s no God?

29. Kent Fucking Hehr. And while we’re at it, score one more for #MeToo on a federal level…and strike one major douchebag from Cabinet. (Jesus, he even looks like the kind of guy who you’d most suspect WOULD do that.)

30. Gavin Fucking McInnes. Racist said a racist thing, referring to a racist book? And the conservative channel he said it on tried to cover it up for him because it would make THEM look bad, too? BUSTED! The Internets never forget. Ha, ha.

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And finally, to dear ol’ Donnie himself. Does anyone seriously believe he’s all of six-three and only 239 pounds? Does anyone seriously believe he’s not a racist, not a Nazi, not stupid, or not a cheater, not a crook, or really not anything that he’s gone out of his way, time and again, to show that he is? If you believe a word that comes out of his mouth, you are complicit in what he’s doing. And there’s just one thing I have to say to you:

Good night, and get fucked!

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