Crappy weekend, everyone! And an especially crappy one to all the folks from what Donnie has characterized, in his quaint and charming, oh-so-refined colloquial way, as “shithole countries”. Coming from someone who heads up a country most famous, recently, for the number of its people heading to the emergency room after ingesting detergent on a dare, that’s downright rich, eh? And here’s who else is frothing at the mouth (no Tide Pods necessary) this week, in no particular order:
1. Trey Fucking Gowdy. Hey, remember him? The Dollar Store Draco Malfoy? Well, he finally quit yelling “Benghazi!” this week. Wonder what he’ll do for an encore…said no one ever.
2. Rachel Fucking Campos-Duffy. “Who among us hasn’t said an un-PC thing”, she asks? Well, given that it’s FUX Snooze, I’m guessing that if you limit it strictly to that channel and its imbecilic audience, the answer is NOBODY. But out here in the real world, you’d be surprised how…wait for it…OUTNUMBERED you racist fucking idiots actually are. And if you’re worried about someone making your country look bad, how about starting with yourselves and your presidunce, and stopping with the partisan finger-pointing?
3. Tom Fucking Cotton. He was there. He heard what Donnie said. But, like a good head-up-ass Repug, he denies it. Dude, that’s Donnie’s job. PS: So, writing and calling your office to get answers is now “harassment”? Oh, dude. You are so fucked!
4. Don Fucking Shooter. Nice fucking nopology you got there, dude. Oh wait, you think you did nothing wrong? Well, there’s a shocker. It’s like what other people do or don’t want doesn’t matter to you because they’re not the ones that really count, eh?
5. Timothy Fucking Brennan. Damn straight, those dickpix you snapchatted to a 14-year-old could ruin your marriage and your job. Have you ever thought of what they (and you) are doing to her life, you fucking pervert?
6. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Hawaii had a missile threat? SQUIRREL! And in this case, the squirrel was Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate…which was released years ago, and which conclusively showed that he was born not in Kenya, but in Hawaii.
7. Peter Fucking Bone. He used to say that same-sex marriage would destroy the sanctity of marriage. But even though he left his wife for a much younger woman two years ago, he’s still referring to “Mrs. Bone” in his parliamentary speechifications. Next up: The Internet destroys the sanctity of marriage.
8. James Fucking Sears. Yes, Dimitri the Hater is at it again. And it seems he never learns. Even though nobody wants to read his shitty Nazi rag, he still insists on wasting time and money producing and distributing it…and even more on defending himself against the inevitable libel lawsuits it generates. I hope you go bankrupt, Dim.
10. David Fucking Perdue. He denied that Donnie said what he said, even though he was there to hear him say it…and Donnie later bragged about it to all his cronies. I guess he also denies having prayed for Barack Obama’s death, even though we all heard him say that?
11. Kevin Fucking McCarthy. Everybody sing! Who sucks up to Donnie/Nose all brown with poo/Butters up the POTUS with a Starburst fruity chew?/The Candy Man!/The Candy Man can!/The Candy Man can, because he hasn’t any shame, and makes the US look bad!
12. John Fucking Kelly. Bipartisanship? Who needs it? Not this guy, and apparently, not Donnie either, because both of them share a common agenda: Wrecking anything that might be even the least little bit constructive for anyone.
13. Stephen Fucking Moore. What black people has this clown talked to, ever? Other than to maybe yell a racial slur on the street at them, or slip them some cash for dope? Bull-fucking-SHIT they’re praising Donnie. Unless they’re being paid to, ain’t none of them got a good word to say about him. And rightly so.
14. Milo Fucking Yiannopoulos. I’m not a bit surprised to hear that he fell for a fake news story from a satire site and did an entire YouTube rant on it (here, if he hasn’t removed it yet — and yes, he looks and sounds as inebriated as you imagine he would). What does surprise me is that he’s not dead of alcohol poisoning yet. PS to YouTube: Why are you still allowing this prat to upload, anyway? Shouldn’t you be taking some cues from the tweeter, and cracking down on Nazis instead?
15. Casey Fucking Fisher. Ohhhh, so it was “a bad idea” to give women the right to vote, eh? Well, doggie. Guess who’s going to be losing his next election, on the backs of a lot of pissed-off women voters? Yeah…THIS guy. Special dishonorable mention to Teena Fucking Horlacher: Why are you still working for him? He just basically told you you don’t even deserve to vote because you’re female! And you’re all up in arms because he’s being “harassed”? He should be thankful nobody’s bludgeoned him with a rolling pin!
16. Carl Fucking Higbie. Imagine that! Saying a whole slew of bigoted, judgmental shit has actual, real-world repercussions! White supremacists, take note…the clock is now ticking on you.
17. Eric Fucking Drumpf. Daesh is a thing of the past? I’m sure that’s news to Iraq and Syria! And if indeed it’s true, rest assured that your pudgy old man had NOTHING to do with it. PS: And bull-fucking-SHIT that green, as in money, is the only color he sees, either.
18. Matt Fucking Gaetz. And here’s another Haiti-hatey kind of guy. Sucks to be you, Matty…and if I were you, I’d keep a close eye on my fingernail clippings and hair trimmings, if you know what I mean.
19. Sebastian Fucking Gorka. Not content to insult our prime minister over a matter that concerns him not in the least, Wile E. Pickle, Suuuuuper-Genius, doubled down on the dumbth this week by picking on Alyssa Milano…and scoring a whopping own goal. PS: Aaaand now we know why Gormless Gorka hasn’t gone back to Hungary yet. He’s wanted there on gun charges! Figures. He doesn’t look like he could punch his way out of a wet paper bag.
21. Jeff Fucking Sessions. Illiterate immigrants are unfortunate souls indeed, but you know what’s truly tragic? A semiliterate, totally racist US attorney general opening his Kluker piehole to opine on the subject, and get Canada totally wrong in the process!
22. Kirstjen Fucking Nielsen. And speaking of semiliterates in public office who really should think twice before opening their mouths even once, how about HER? Yes, she’s so poorly informed that she doesn’t even know what color the vast majority of Norwegian citizens are! Somebody please send her some recent Norwegian census data, wouldja? Meanwhile, Norway’s offer of asylum to persons from a REAL shithole country still stands.
23. Bob Fucking Massi. Hey! Did you know that there’s a racism against ORANGE people? This dude claims that everyone opposing Donnie Drumpf has it. Orange Lives Matter!
24. Larry Fucking Nassar. Can’t handle four days of victim-impact statements? Gee, what a shocker. I’d have thought a gymnastics team doctor who sexually molested his under-age patients for years would be less of a fragile snowflake than THAT!
25. Scott Fucking Perry. Who’s got a cockamamie terrorist conspiracy theory? THIS guy. Because clearly, the idea that a home-grown, right-wing, white male mass shooter could actually exist is just too damn hard to believe. No, better just make up some shit about Daesh coming in through Mexico!
26. Matthew Fucking Heimbach. And speaking of home-grown, right-wing, white male terrorists…how about him? He and his “Traditionalist Workers Party” (a bullshit name if ever there was one) are planning to protest against the women’s march, and in favor of anti-choicers. Because nothing’s going to attract women to your nasty Nazi cause like just straight out saying that all you ever want them to be is your household slaves and your baby factories.
27. Jack Fucking Robison. What kind of judge makes a snap decision based on “God told me to”? A judge who shouldn’t be on the bench anymore listening to human trafficking stories and exonerating the traffickers. That’s who.
28. Michael Fucking Douglas. Am I a bit surprised that a man who was pretty much typecast as an arrogant, unlikable jerk all through the ‘80s and ‘90s turns out to be a wanker, quite literally, in real life? Why no, I’m not! I’m only surprised that this didn’t come out sooner, frankly.
29. Robert Fucking Litzinger. If anyone wonders what I have against purity culture and the “Christian premarital counseling” that goes with it, you can stop wondering any more. THIS GUY. This pervert and others like him are what I have against purity culture.
30. Mark Fucking Steyn. So, white supremacists are okay because they’re “American citizens”, but the people they persecute are “illegal”, so that makes all the cross-burnings and terrorist murders okay, does it, Shit-Steyn? Special dishonorable mention to Tucker Fucking Carlson, who also finally showed HIS true colors. Next time I see both of you together, I hope you two chickenshit racists just wear your hooded sheets and swastika armbands on the air, and let fly with the n-words like I know you’re both dying to do.
And finally, to Donnie Fucking Drumpf again. Everytime I think he can’t possibly outdo himself for shittiness, he does it. Unprotected sex with women not his wife (new baby in the house and all!), idiotic expectations of his wife post-pregnancy (!), even more idiotic pronouncements on pregnancy and abortion (at least that’s what it appears they are)…yeesh. He’s disintegrating before our very eyes. Would somebody, for the love of all that’s holy, PLEASE impeach the motherfucker and institutionalize him already? He’s clearly not fit to be in any office, including the ones at Drumpf Tower. And I’m seriously afraid for the safety of the entire world, what with his finger on the nuclear button and all.
Good night, and (please don’t let our whole entire planet) get fucked!