Wankers of the Week: Crappy Groundhog Day!


Crappy weekend,everyone! Hope you like the sound of clock-radios going off and “I Got You, Babe” coming on, because you’re going to be hearing that a lot today. Yes, the groundhog has poked his sleepy head out of his hibernation hole and seen wankers enough to last until spring. And here they are, in no particular order:

1. Sean Fucking Hannity. It’s been a hot minute since I’ve listed the Baby Jesus, but hey…I’m pretty sure that getting the facts wrong, being forced to backpedal, and then vanishing mysteriously from the tweeter counts as a wank, no?

2. Courtland Fucking Sykes. Oh dude, who the hell do you think you’re kidding? Everyone knows that your idea of a “radical feminist” is any woman who’s not lying face-down in front of you with WELCOME tattooed across her back.

3. Piers Fucking Morgan. Donnie Drumpf is not a feminist? I’m shocked, SHOCKED. Why, next thing you know, you’ll be telling me that bears do things in the woods!


4. Scott Fucking Baio. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi…I’m shocked at you! Well, actually…no, I’m not. I think this is par for the course, considering that your big break in showbiz was to play a smarmy little skirt-chasing molester. I’m only surprised that it’s taken this long for your own typecasting to finally catch up to you.

5. Bernie Fucking Marcus. Senile codger says what? Oh, I see…he’s just projecting. Lemme guess…he does this a lot? Uh-huh. Well, would someone please confiscate his cane, so he doesn’t end up hitting any nurses with it? Thanks awfully.

6. Rick Fucking Dykstra. Cue up that old Queen song, the one that starts with a riff: Ba da dump, bump, bump…yes, Another One Bites the Dust! Another pervert has been exposed. And given that the Ontario PCs knew what he was before they ran him as a candidate, they really have no excuses. Far’s I’m concerned, they broke this egg all over their own faces!


7. Tomi Fucking Lahren. Oh girl, who do you think you’re kidding? Everyone knows you’ve been dying to eat a Tide pod yourself, if you haven’t done so already. I mean, you ARE always frothing at the mouth…

8. Mike Fucking Pence. Yo, “Mother”? Could you slap your boy upside the head again? He’s talking like HE just ate a Tide pod, too.

9. T.J. Fucking Berry. Meanwhile, in Missouri, a village has lost its idiot…at the statehouse. Where he was found trying to violate the First Amendment in the name of Jeebus. Who is no doubt smacking his forehead in dismay at all the dim-witted nerds in his fan club who keep trying to redefine marriage so that only fan-club nerds can get married.


10. Matt Fucking Gaetz. Hey sparky, here’s a pro tip for you (not that you’re bright enough to actually USE it, but hey): If you don’t want people to think you’re a conspiracy kook, don’t have anything to do with InfoWars! Because that site is nothing but wall-to-wall conspiracy kookery. If any actual facts make it into there alive, trust me: it’s an accident.

11. Peter Fucking Beck. Launching a satellite that does absolutely nothing but sit up there giving off a glare? Yeah, that’s got a certain gosh-wow factor to it. Mostly of the “gosh, wow, that’s totally pointless and really fucking STUPID” kind, alas.

12. Taylor Fucking Weyeneth. So long, Donnie’s opioid “czar”, we barely knew ye. Don’t let the door hit ye where your mama done split ye.


13. Doug Fucking Ford. Oh yippee yi yay, yippee yi yo. Dougie has decided to throw his hat in the ring of the Ontario PC leadership circus! Like it already wasn’t enough of one with all the sexual harassment and assault scandals currently making the rounds. Ha, ha.

14. Julian Fucking Assange. Yeah, I’d say we’re way beyond done considering this guy a journalist anymore. You hop in bed with the Baby Jesus at FUX Snooze, you ain’t nothin’ but a right-wing hack. And one who’s easily tricked by fake tweeters, too. Nice egg you got on your face there, whitey.

15. Gus Fucking Eli Fucking Reinhardt. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s how disgraceful you have to be to strike ANY comparison between getting religion and getting RAPED. Although, now that I think about it, maybe becoming a fundie IS like getting raped in some ways: it fills you with all kinds of fucked-up and downright shameful notions about who’s at fault for what happened to you and why.


16. Raheem Fucking Kassam. He asks if the US is not a “mafia state” now, but he asks it not about Donnie, but OBAMA? Dude, Obama’s not in power anymore, and Donnie’s mobbed-up as fuck. For that matter, Breitbart too has ALWAYS been shady. And when even Frank Fucking Gaffney tells you it’s not, and he’s a racist who HATES Obama, doesn’t that tell you something? If you can’t say anything honest or intelligent (and you can’t), hold your damn tongue already.

17. Neil Fucking Portnow. “Women artists need to step up”? Um, they DID. HUGELY. And given that the top prize went to some schmuck who drones about how he’s totally superficially horny for some chick he saw at a club, I’d say it’s the other gender that needs to do some stepping. PS: What Pink said.

18. Tim Fucking Allen. Waaaa, snowflake, you sound triggered. Need a safe space? Well, I guess your right-wing echo chamber movie will provide THAT, all right.


19. Paul Fucking Nehlen. And in other snowflake news, look who made a list of “Jews”! (Note the quotes, there for a reason…reason being, he doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.)

20. Cory Fucking Carnley. New verse on the old song: If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (clap clap) If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (stomp stomp) If you’re fascist and a fool, they can kick you out of school. If you’re a Nazi and you’re outed, it’s your fault! (clap clap, stomp stomp, YEE-HAW!)

21. Spencer Fucking Brown. Kinda hard to play tennis in a KKK robe, innit? Ha, ha.


22. Brenda Fucking Fitzgerald. Why no, buying tobacco stocks while working for the Centres for Disease Control doesn’t represent any conflict of interest at ALL!

23. Paul Fucking Gosar. Arresting undocumented immigrants attending the SOTU address as plus-ones? Way to uphold the First Amendment, bubba gump.

24. Diane Fucking Keaton. So, Woody Fucking Allen’s lying-ass old interview is more to be believed than the legions of women who are pointing out just how urpy, ooky, and downright rapey he’s been over the years? Welp. I guess somebody is now officially cancelled. Besides HIM, of course.


25. Hillary Fucking Clinton. And speaking of cancelled, yup, SHE made the cut this week. Guess her feminism goes no deeper than the fabric of her pantsuit. Sorry, NOT sorry.

26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. On the other hand, THIS one is cancelled for all time. And God has already spoken. Just wait till she calls off her next run once the very negative polls start to roll on in. In 3…2…1…

27. Gloria Fucking Copeland. And further to the subject of pious frauds and idiots, how about HER? Yep, she’s still preaching antivaxxer bullshit, mixed with an unhealthy dose of fake-healing. You’d think a measles outbreak in her own congregation would have been enough of a wake-up call from God, but ohhhh noooooo.


28. Alex Fucking Jones. Because he just can’t let a week go by without jerking off a gigantic wad of bullshit (awwww, he loves my list and just can’t resist!), heeeere’s Alex, proving once again just what a trashy trainwreck he and his right-wing conspiracy coffeehouse really are.

29. Jared Fucking Wyand. Because #19, who’s somewhere to the right of Mussolini, “isn’t going far enough” by calling for stochastic terrorism against (alleged) Jews. Yes, really.

30. Jerome Fucking Corsi. Yaaaaaay, more trashy trainwreck from the Swiftboat Right! Aaaand back under your rock you go, Jerry.


And finally, to these fucking imbecilesses at Davos, who thought Donnie had somehow done something to merit their admiration. Mesdames, he has done nothing of the sort, unless you actually LIKE getting your pure, moralistic, evangelical, bible-thumpin’ pussies groped by some reeking vulgarian with stubby orange fingers covered in stale burger grease. Has all that blond hair dye eaten your brains? Well, I’ve got news for you: Jesus is not going to give your presidunce, or YOU, any “mulligans”. He’s going to give you all the same treatment he gave the moneychangers in the temple. For your collective sakes, I sure hope you like cats-o’-nine-tails!

Good night, and get fucked!

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