Sorry, Roseanne.

Dear Roseanne Barr:

Sorry to hear you’re having such a bad time lately. I mean, your show’s been cancelled, you’ve been dumped by your talent agency, and your old show also got dumped by some channels specializing in nostalgic re-runs…and that was all just in one day! It sure must suck to be you right now. No wonder you’re reaching for the lame excuses, along with the sleeping pills.

Oh…wait. Sleeping pills ARE your lame excuse for saying something horrid and racist. I see.

I have a few questions for you, Roseanne.

First off: How the hell are you still awake to tweet all that racist shit when you’re on knockout pills? Because wouldn’t you have to be open-eyed and fully conscious in order to do all that? Wouldn’t an Ambien user typing in their sleep just type random butt-text garblish, instead of coherent racist “jokes”? And isn’t Ambien supposed to help you get some shut-eye and blessed, sweet unconsciousness? Either that sleeping pill isn’t living up to its stated purpose, or you’re lying.

Secondly: Since when does any drug turn someone who’s totally not a racist…into a flaming, raving, bigoted racist who spews hateful shit on Twitter? If that were legitimately one of Ambien’s side effects, it ought to have been yoinked from the market a decade ago, right around the time its other nasty side effects (such as sleep-eating, sleep-driving, and some rapey shit called “sexsomnia”) cropped up in the news. Because in a country with as long a history of systemic and casual racism (disguised, reprehensibly, as “free speech”) as the US of Amnesia, wouldn’t such a pill be considered detrimental to public mental health and the public peace? Either that sleeping pill is dangerous as hell, or you’re lying.

Thirdly: If you’re totally not a racist, and the pills made you do it, why is everyone around you — particularly your Roseanne castmates — backing away from you in abject horror at what you’re doing? Either the Ambien Effect is contagious as the plague, or you’re lying.

And finally: If Ambien made you do it, then why aren’t all the Ambien takers out there also flaming racists who can’t stop sleep-tweeting unfunny “jokes” about how black women look like apes and the Obamas are with Daesh, and shit like that? Because one of my friends was actually addicted to the stuff, and he says it only made him gain weight from sleep-eating, and bruise the hell out of his crotch from sleep-walking into everything. I’ve never seen a racist utterance out of him, either, and I’ve known him for several years. And he isn’t one for filtering his animosities and displeasures; when he tells someone to fuck off, you know he means it. Either Ambien has the wildest range of side effects ever, or…you’re lying.

And seeing how you’ve been defensively lashing out and backpedalling and even roping Donnie into defending your indefensible shit, I know which of these either-ors I’m going to go with.

And I’m also going to give you some good, solid advice, even though I doubt you’ll take it:

Stop lying. Don’t blame anyone or anything else for something YOU did.

Stop being a racist. Recognize that you are one, because you are the product of a racist society which rewards racist behavior, and then work on changing that.

Take the advice that you conservatives are always so eager to hand out to everyone else, and be responsible for your own fucking shit. You know, Personal Responsibility? It applies to you, too.

And if you’re looking for a decent substitute for Ambien, one that won’t turn you into a zombie, try Benadryl. Yes, it’s old-school; yes, it’s also an antihistamine. And yes, it will knock you cold, even at half strength (which is how I take it, for both my allergies and my insomnia). It doesn’t mess around. And it doesn’t make you eat, drive, or attempt to screw unwilling people in your sleep. I haven’t become addicted to it; I can sleep fine without it, and most of the time, I do. But when I need help falling asleep, I use that, and it works for me.

If you can’t take Benadryl, try melatonin. That also works, and it’s natural; your own brain produces it when falling asleep. I’ve never heard of anyone becoming addicted to it, or zombified by it, either.

But most of all, just work damn hard on not being a fucking racist anymore. And don’t blame drugs. Because there’s not a drug in the world that can turn you into one. At most, they can only bring out what’s already there.

And if that’s what’s in you, then I feel very sorry for you. But not sorry enough to buy your excuses.

Sorry, Roseanne.

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