News of the Restless

Crappy weekend, everyone! Yes, the Titanic catastrophe was real, and this week, it turned 100 years old. Yes, that’s right: for 100 years now, we’ve been hearing about the idiocy and arrogance of people who really, actually thought they could build such a thing as an unsinkable ship. I know, hard to believe, eh? And you know what else is hard to believe? The idiocy and arrogance of the following, in no particular order:

1. James O’Fucking Keefe. Yes, he’s at it again…trying to do “gotcha journalism” (note the quotes) that relies on manipulation, fabrication and outright LYING for its “gotcha”. How much longer before this pro-disenfranchisement sleaze-weasel comes to Canada to work for the Harper Government™, I wonder?

2. Rich Fucking Lowry. Took him long enough to fire Pervyshire over his lengthy racist screed (published elsewhere), which was egregious by National Review standards only because it failed to conceal its racism with enough dog-whistling and equivocation. This may provide some clues as to why Lowry had such a problem recognizing the problem adult he had on his hands for so long. After all, the National Revisionist was founded by a notable “polite” racist, and is “politely” racist through and through, throughout its decades-long history. In fact, institutionalized racism is its raison d’être. But it has to be polite, it has to be legalistic and scientistic, and it has to maintain a certain degree of Plausible Deniability…even though, as its head honcho’s own screed on the Trayvon Martin case has shown, there can be no denying that the entire rag IS still deeply and hideously bigoted. Through and fucking through. Little wonder, then, that they couldn’t recognize the Perv for what he was. They are all, in fact, the same. To admit that he is one is to admit that they are all one, and that would spell doom for the National Revisionist. Couldn’t have THAT, now, could we?

3. Peter Fucking MacKay. When will the Harper CONservatives finally admit that they cannot be trusted with a single red cent (soon to become obsolete, or so we’re told) of taxpayers’ money? Petey-boy here is dumb enough to think that a discrepancy of ten BILLION fucking dollars can be fobbed off on the public as a silly widdle “accounting error”. Let’s not forget that the penny-and-pound-foolish SupposiTories wangled their first minority government on a platform of “transparency and accountability”. And let’s finally have the courage to say that THEY FUCKING LIED TO US EVERY STEP OF THE WAY!

4. Mark Fucking Judge. He doesn’t know who stole his bike, but for some reason he’s awfully convinced that the thief was BLACK! And therefore, he feels entitled to “not feel bad for black people anymore”. I don’t know what’s more racist, his racist assumption about the race of the unknown bike-stealer, or his pulled-from-the-ass conclusion that he’s now entitled to be racist and “not feel bad” about it anymore. Maybe he WILL feel bad at being mercilessly made fun of because of his self-justifying racist fucking stupidity instead?

5. George Fucking Zimmerman. Yes, he has a website! Yes, he’s using it to raise cash for his legal defence! And no, it’s not a bit racist! Why do you ask? PS: And now he’s doing his own PR, too. Apparently against legal advice. This should be good…

6. John Fucking Derbyshire, again. Yes, please DO give up writing; you suck at it anyway. But no, do NOT become a butler. Your surly attitude, contrary to the old Wooster-and-Jeeves image of British butlers who are smarter than their masters, won’t stand you in good stead. You’re not smarter than anyone else; you’re just an elaborately self-justifying racist snob. And speaking of “hysterically deranged”, have you taken a good look in your own mirror yet? And yeah, why indeed read deranged people? That’s precisely why I don’t bother very much with you, when all’s said. PS: Ha, ha.

7. Mandolyna Fucking Theodoracopulos. Speaking of elaborately self-justifying racist snobs, here is #6’s new editor and BFF. Who, despite the fact that her “magazine” has a masthead full of vocal, obnoxious, and well-known racists, does not want to address the issue of his racism at all. But who DOES want us to feel sorry for her new protégé, because he has leukemia and all. Sorry, lady, but his blood cancer didn’t make him a racist, nor does it entitle him to be one. And it will not guilt-trip me into refraining from calling him one, because he IS one. And I happen to believe in calling things by their right names. And that’s why I’m going to call this disease by its own right name: KARMA.

8. and 9. Paul Fucking Madore and Mike Fucking Heath. “Same-sex marriage” is already a taboo term in the Religious Reich, as it’s much too neutral and reasonable-sounding. “Gay marriage”, which sounds more inflammatory, is now also passé. The term this pair of bollocks wants us all to use is “Sodomy Based Marriage”. They also consider being LGBT to be a “culture of death”! Someone please inform them that gay couples do nothing in their own bedrooms that straight couples have not also been doing for as long as heterosexuality has existed. So, by that token, ALL marriage could be sodomy-based. And yet, strangely, God hasn’t struck us all collectively dead! How about THEM apples?

10. Rebecca Fucking Silva. Friends don’t let friends drink and, um, breast-feed. That is all.

11. Judith Fucking Miller. You know you’re a shitty hack stenographer when you force Jon Stewart — the best fake newsman in the US — to illustrate his coverage of your shitty hack stenography with…a LOLcat.

I mean, just look at that face. Shameful!

12. Sam Fucking Brownback. What’s the matter with Kansas? Barbers don’t face even due regulatory burdens. Doctors, especially abortion clinic doctors, are another story. They have UNdue regulatory burdens coming out the wazoo.

13. Sean Fucking Hannity. Oh, of COURSE the Baby Jesus was “reaching out” to George Zimmerman in the hopes of telling “his side of the story”. That’s actually the ONLY side FUX Snooze was planning to tell, because they’re racist — er, I meant to say Fair and Balanced — that way.

14. Chris Fucking Christie. Considering his girth and the fact that his entire income consists of government cheques and paternalistic entitlements, I don’t think he’s a good one to be talking about couch potatoes living on gummint handouts.

15. Warren Fucking Kinsella. Insulting my friend Fern Hill (of Dammit Janet! fame), by insinuating that she hangs out with Nazis, is a big fat wank in the form of a tiny, but exceedingly stupid, little blog entry. Faking a comment (two, rather) in the name of my friend Antonia Zerbisias, who is definitely NOT obscure, or permitting someone else on your blog to do so? That’s like saving up your jizzum and using it as hand-lotion for the NEXT big fat wank. Congratulations, Warren, you da (slimy, stinky, crusty) MAN.

PS: In case the faked-comment link suddenly doesn’t work (oh, gee, now why would THAT be?), here’s one that does. It shows the original comment, which was then spoofed to insult the commenter. Yeah, Warren, you’re a real class act.

16. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Fiscal responsibility? Apparently NOT a conservative Republican thing. Anyone unfortunate enough to have sold campaign merch to Newty is still on the hook. Meanwhile, “frugal” Newty has yet to pay off his massive bling bill at Tiffany’s, or so I’ve heard. Draw your own conclusions…

17. Andrew Fucking Thomas. Sheriff Joe is the World’s Worst Sheriff. Guess who (among his cronies) is fast becoming a contender for the title of World’s Worst Public Prosecutor?

18. Bernard-Henri Fucking Lévy. You can tell the character of a man by the company he chooses (Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn, anyone?); also by whom he chooses to insult. (And, as Nabokov said, you can always tell a murderer by his elaborate prose style.) Never fear, Bernie, you’ll never win a literary Nobel for YOUR maunderings. Unlike the great Günter Grass, who I’m sure really couldn’t care less how “dead” you think he is.

19. Ciara Fucking Matthews. Well. SHE sure sounds like a charmer. And considering the charming Repugnican company she keeps, I’m sure that’s entirely par for the charming, CHARMING course!

20. Lou Fucking Engle. Dude, give it up…your “pro-woman” astroturf anti-choice “movement” isn’t fooling anyone. Well, other than the people who are dumb and doltish enough to follow YOU, anyway.

21. Foster Fucking Friess. Yes, the Big 3F is a wanker again this week. This time, for “hoping” that His Barackness’s teleprompters are bulletproof. Hey, Old Fart, I hope the same is true of your pretend cowboy hat.

22. Allen Fucking West. I’ve heard it said that he is either certifiably insane, but I think he may in fact be possessed by the spirit of Ol’ Tailgunner Joe. Who else’s voice do you suppose could be telling him to resurrect the anticommunist witch-hunts of the 1950s? Please, somebody, call an exorcist!

23. Herman Fucking Cain. And while we’re on the subject of certifiable insanity, WTF is up with all those chickens???

24. Jan Fucking Brewer. Sheriff Joe is the World’s Worst Sheriff, his buddy is on the fast track for World’s Worst Public Prosecutor, and now this mangy cur-woman has become the World’s Worst Governor. Arizona, you are three for fucking three. I guess that makes you the World’s Worst Place To Be Human. Congrats!

25. Axl Fucking Rose. Bitch, PLEASE.

26. Ann Fucking Romney. I hate to think what was served at her birthday party. Especially if it was barbecued. And no, I don’t believe she worked an honest day in her life, either.

27. Tim Fucking Tebow. Shut up and sing. And get up off your fucking knees, already.

28. Rick Fucking Santorum. He’s out of the running, but the wanks are still coming. And this time, it’s really a doozer. We all know that he’s not exactly shy about using his severely disabled daughter, Bella, to score cheap political points when his own record comes up short (as it so often does); now, he’s actually made her a lifetime member of the Fucking NRA. How “pro-life” of him! I hereby give him a lifetime membership on my wank-list.

29. Samantha Fucking Brick. Still wanking on about her looks. Gawd, woman, get a life already! You’re not the only narcissist out there, after all.

30. Mike Fucking Eiskant. Oh, show me those big, beautiful…hey, is this thing on? Yes, it is. And it caught you wanking on the job. Literally. Which is why you landed up here on my weekly wankapedia, even though you could just as easily have made it under Cops Behaving Badly — Officer #69.

31. Ralph Fucking Shortey. His justification for open-carry laws in Oklahoma is a load of gobbledygook. But what else would one expect of such a dumb fucking turkey?

32. Lawrence Fucking Sekara. Selling shirts saying you believe George Zimmerman isn’t just questionable taste; it’s an outright endorsement of the racism of a killer who muttered “fucking coons” before he moved in for the kill on Trayvon Martin. As for the “right to trial by jury” bullshit, the man wasn’t even charged until black community leaders raised hell. He would have gotten away with murder if people hadn’t raised awareness. And now he’s gonna GET his trial by jury. So stop fucking babbling about other people’s double standards, and acknowledge your own, dude.

33. Keith Fucking Ablow. Yay, FUX Snooze’s favorite fucked-up gender theorist has theorized again about gender. And pulled a doozer out of his ass again. This is getting to be something of a habit with him.

34. Jake Fucking England. Yeah, sure, some of his best friends are black. Where have I heard THAT before? And why do I always (and only ever) hear it out of the mouths of racist bottom-feeders? Next thing you know, he’ll slip up and say some of his best friends are niggers. Or that it’s not really a racist word, or that only the bad ones are, or whatever other permutation of racism is “acceptable” to closet racists who find themselves suddenly outed.

35. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Looks like Falafel Dude has a long history of hanging out with topless women. Now why would FUX Snooze want to conceal THAT? It’s not as if they don’t deal in naked boobage all the time…as witness Billo himself.

And the answer, with Billo, is ALL THE FREAKIN’ TIME.

And finally, to Scott Fucking Tribe. I found out recently just how welcome real progressives actually are on the Prog Blog, and the answer, to no one’s surprise, is NOT AT ALL. And judging by the speed of the Facebook unfriending (he got me before I could get him), some people there are a weeny bit touchy about being called on that. Oh well — their loss. The majority of my traffic here is international anyway, and that’s the way I like it; I would never want to be a parochial “progressive” (note the quotes). Also, most of my regular Canadian visitors also happen to still be friends of mine, on Facebook AND in realtime. I just needed one last wanker to round out this list, and we may now consider that one to be duly noted.

Also, GOOD FUCKING RIDDANCE. And GOOD-FUCKING-BYE.

Good night, and get fucked!