Wankers of the Week, Special Holiday Edition

The weekend is here, and the bile is boiling. Here’s who gets a potful of what I got cooking, dumped on their oh-so-worthy heads this week…

1. Barbara Fucking Kay. Yes, folks, the National Pest’s resident Christianist culture warrior is hyping the “war on Christianity” meme, right in time for the holidays! Only, of course, she cleverly wraps it in fear of Marxists and Raelians, with a pinch of the standard islamophobia. And her brain-dead fans, who can also go fuck themselves, eat it up like candy canes. The fact that she’s hypocritical about “heritage”, however, did not go unnoticed by one perspicacious commenter:

So, when we try to teach children cultural relativism, we commit the sin of being anti-heritage. But when Québécois are pro-heritage, we are depicted in your columns as xenophobic anti-anglos.

You are hard to please, Ms Kay.

But seriously, I can’t believe a textbook would say that Raelians are 25,000 years in advance… I’d like to get the exact citation, page and book…

Heh. Rightard pwnage achieved.

2. Dana Fucking Perino. The Valley Girl of the White House, Moonunit Perino, thinks the US is not an occupier but a “guest” in Iraq. Like omigawd! Like tooootally! Since when are guests allowed to trash the house and beat up those who live there with impunity? That’s, like, totally grody.

The ORIGINAL Moonunit, on the other hand, is like totally bitchen.

3. Abitibi-Fucking-Bowater. Not only are they environmental poison, they’re also shameless. They shut down a plant in Newfoundland, costing hundreds of jobs, but they still want timber rights and the right to profit from a power generation plant in the town and province they fucked over? Premier Danny Williams (my new hero!) decided to make like Chavecito, and said “See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya, because we’re taking back everything you took from us and we’re leaving you with the same you left us–NOTHING. And if you try to sue, you’re in for a helluva fight, because WE make the laws around here, and you’ll lose even MORE money!” Happy New Year!

4. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Proof, if anyone ever needed it, that conservatives–big C or small–should not EVER get their fat little fingers on the purse strings of a nation. Flip-Flop Jimbo promised us a surplus shortly after the farce that was our last election; now he springs a deficit on us. Say what you will about Paul Martin (and I could say plenty), but he never gave us a holiday surprise of THAT nature. I say we take the lumps of coal out of Jimbo’s stocking, and lob them at his head like a pair of Iraqi shoes.

5. Whoever the fuck is in charge of Russia’s economy. One thing hasn’t changed since the Berlin Wall fell, and that’s the way reality keeps getting swept under the rug over there. Only now, the rug’s not red anymore. But maybe, once more, it soon will be, at the rate things are going. Conditions are about ripe for a second revolution, and maybe this time, it really WILL be communist:

…instead of more fucking state capitalism as usual.

6. Any Sarah Fucking Palin apologists out there (say, in Toronto) who think that it’s acceptable around here to change the subject to Barack Obama, instead of answering my perfectly reasonable and fact-based questions about her. Next time you try that, it’s this for YOU, my little fuglies:

…because what you’re doing is called trolling, and it stinks the joint up.

7. All you dumbfuck white supremacists who’d saddle your kid with a name like Adolf Hitler or Aryan Nation. It’s bad enough that you’re passing on your mentally defective genes and preaching perversion, but do you have to compound the curse with a monicker like that? What has your child done to deserve such abuse?

8. Human Rights Bee-yotch. No further pwnage necessary here, though, since better researchers than myself have already done the job rather nicely.

9. Rick Fucking Warren. Throw him under the bus NOW, Barack. I don’t care how much he tithes or who endorses him. Bigots, homophobes and right-wing hatemongers have all got to GO, if you are serious about change we can believe in. Never mind this “reaching out” crap. When have the Religious Reich-tards ever reached out to the gays, other than to hit them over the head with brickbats, or to try to convert them into something they are not? Fuck Warren–go with Barry Lynn, who doesn’t give away insane amounts of money because he doesn’t MAKE insane amounts of money. But he does walk his talk, and more importantly, his discourse is always sane and civilized. Can your theo-con megachurch leader do that?

10. All the Intelligent Fucking Design freaks out there. If there really IS an Intelligent Designer, then please explain to me why things like fetus in fetu tumors exist. Seems to me a REAL Intelligent Designer wouldn’t inflict weird shit like that on an unborn baby. I seem to recall all you theocons saying that the unborn are innocent and therefore must be “defended” from medico-surgical abortion. Well? What do you say to this, eh? You can’t hav
e it both ways!

11. Karl Fucking Rove. What are you, a shoe queen? Go join Auntie Condi in the closet, she needs help sorting out her Ferragamos. Maybe she can spare a few old pairs for me to hurl at Dubya’s gut–forget his head, I’m gonna aim too low for him to duck, and too high for him to jump.

12. Fucking Argentine human rights abusers. Otto and Lillie have the details of how several prominent pieces of shit have been let go by the lame-o Argentine “justice” system because their due process isn’t processing duly.

Auntie ‘Bina isn’t surprised, because she knows that a lot of judges from the bad old days are still around and still ordering their old brothers-in-abuse released, using every dumb-ass legal loophole and technicality you can imagine. If any of these fuckers actually DO get pinched, Auntie ‘Bina predicts they’ll pull a Mario Ferreyra and get lifelong impunity.

13. Sherry Fucking Johnston. What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? No, NOT lipstick. It’s OxyContin! No shit, they found a whackload of Rush Limbaugh’s drug of choice on Bristol Palin’s baby-daddy-momma, the woman who brought that self-confessed “fuckin’ redneck” into the world. Granted, it IS Wasilla, the meth capital of Alaska. And it became that way during Sarah Fucking Palin’s tenure as mayor. But still. Is there no shame anymore in a governor’s daughter getting first knocked up out of wedlock, and THEN shotgunned into marriage–to a drug-lord’s son? Or is that normal there, too?

Oh, BTW, if this is anything to go by, it’s possible that Palin’s own son was one of Johnston’s clients. Before he got shipped off to Iraq, of course.

14. Norm Fucking Coleman. Just concede, already.

15. And as always, anyone who spells things with asterisks. Fuck off!