Wankers of the Week: Open mouth wide, insert foot (or gun) edition

Perhaps a cup of STFU would be better for the following people. Too late now! Now, there’s nothing left but to tell them to fuck off…

1. David Fucking Feherty. Look, I dislike that military-industrial moron, Nancy Pelosi, as much as anyone–for taking impeachment off the table, for yelling “Oh, you BRUTE!” at my man Chavecito, and for other reasons too numerous to mention (suffice to say she’s a DINO and a low-down disgrace.) And I’m no fonder of Harry Reid (wimp), and a lot less fond of Osama (probably dead, if Beni Bhutto is anyone to go by.) But to advocate shooting the former and strangling the latter two, is just fucking stupid. One expects better of a CBS commentator, although at this point, one doesn’t expect much better anymore.

2. Brian Fucking Mulroney. So, just “all of the sudden, out of the blue”, our worst-ever former PM (before Harpo) is a criminal because he took corruption money from Karlheinz Schreiber? No, Lyin’ Cryin’ Brian, you became a crook a long time ago…by taking corruption money from Karlheinz Schreiber. You did it not once, but several times! If you were an honest man, you wouldn’t have taken so much time and care to salt that money secretively away, either. Stop blaming the media and the Mounties. Man up and admit your guilt. Because everyone else BUT you can see it, and your crocodile tears aren’t fooling anyone.

3. Harvie Fucking Andre. Pushing nuclear energy in the tar sands at the expense of public health? Pushing Dr. Helen Caldicott and the general public out of all “public” consultations, just because they would offer a contradictory opinion or, worse, contradictory facts? Someone deserves a push…right out the ol’ door. Preferably applied by the sole of a foot to the seat of a pair of pants.

4. Jacques Fucking Chaoulli. This so-called doctor’s been a wanker pretty much consistently everytime his mug appeared in the media, advocating for two-tier healthcare in Canada. His “reasoning”: Private-for-profit clinics will “ease the strain” on the overcrowded public emergency rooms by draining off the not-so-urgent care patients who can afford to pay extra for the privilege of being fast-tracked at a private-for-profit facility, thus ultimately saving lives. In actual fact, Chaoulli’s own clinic ended up causing the death of a man who came there for the urgent care Chaoulli himself boasted that said clinic was capable of providing. What did the emergency service actually consist of? Forcing a 77-year-old man in obvious respiratory distress (due to a pulmonary embolism) to sit down and wait instead of wheeling him immediately into the ER ahead of the rest of the triage line, thus easing the strain on the public system. In the words of Dr. Don McCanne,

Dr. Chaoulli’s patient did not die while on a waiting list for an elective orthopedic procedure. He collapsed and died in Dr. Chaoulli’s private waiting room. Dr. Chaoulli withheld cardiopulmonary resuscitation – a standard of care that surely would have been provided in any public health care facility – with questions over whether or not he had adequately trained staff and appropriate equipment to initiate such care. Dr. Chaoulli then asked his nurse to call 911 (to have the body removed), and he returned to his work. Only after the ambulance team arrived was cardiopulmonary resuscitation instituted.

Yeah, private-for-profit is so much more caring and efficient than non-profit publicly-funded, QED. But wait, the fun doesn’t end there: Chaoulli’s grandiloquent efforts involved copying Gandhi’s hunger strikes (for more money to buy more filet mignon?), and he claimed also to be right up there with Tommy Douglas–the father of Canada’s single-payer, non-profit system of health insurance. Chaoulli makes Wankers of the Week this time ’round because that’s when this particularly egregious item crossed my screen, but he could easily be on there every week if I didn’t find him just incredibly tiresome. Well, perhaps with all the profits he’s raking in, he can hire a part-timer to blush, squirm and be heartsick in his stead. Because I can easily foresee the patient who died in his care having a lot of company before long, if this wankery keeps up.

5. The Big Fucking Dick. Here, read the pictures:

From wanker to war criminal in four easy steps. Impressive in a grotesque sort of way.

6. Jeff Fucking Sessions. See above and add callous indifference and wanton stupidity.

7. Alberto Fucking Gonzales. Who the hell is HE to lecture anyone on “rewriting the law”, much less to make it unequivocally clear that torture is illegal and unacceptable? Oh yeah, that’s right…he’s Dubya’s little Tejano enabler. Niiiiiiice.

8. Juan Fucking Forero. For being such a predictably, consistently awful reporter on all things LatAm.

9. Sarah Fucking Litigious Palin. Get a sense of humor, and learn the Internet meaning of “redirect”. It’s not a hijack unless they make YOUR page redirect to “crackho.com”, stoopid.

And speaking of fucking litigious, how about 10. and 11.–Larry Fucking Klayman and Ricardo Fucking Guaripa. Talk about yer frivolous lawsuits. Talk about yer shysters who should be disbarred. And talk about yer Radio Marti crapaganda whores whom no one in Venezuela misses (especially for smearing the good name of that great anti-imperialist, José Martí). If you’re talking about that, you’re talking about these two losers, who had best stop talking if they don’t want to make bigger laughingstocks of themselves.

12. Rory Fucking Carroll. While we’re on the topic of laughingstocks and Venezuela, it is SO nice to see the UK Guardian’s resident snooty snotball eat a little crow and admit that the name of the new (and very popular) Vergatario cellphone is NOT in fact vulgar (it actually means “top quality”). The same could not be said about Rory Fucking Carroll and his gutter-ball brain. (Or those other UK geniuses at the Daily Fucking Mirror, who have since withdrawn their laughably titled “Hugo Chavez cocky over rude own-brand phone”. It’s now a 404 page, boo fucking hoo.)

And finally, anyone who claims I don’t know how to be credible, but who won’t elaborate as to how one goes about doing that because he’s only here to troll and pull his impotent pud. (Yes, LARRY, I mean YOU.) Y’all fuck off now, with all due respect (i.e. NONE).