Wankers of the Week: Breakfast of Champions edition

Avid readers of Kurt Vonnegut may recognize the above as his self-portrait…or more specifically, his drawing of his own asshole, which can be found in Breakfast of Champions. What has that to do with this? Well, this week, I felt like illustrating my Wankapedia entry with Vonnegut’s art. And because I think he’d appreciate that. Kurt Vonnegut knew from assholes. So, with no further ado, here’s this week’s crop of sugar-puffed little shits:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Bawk, bawk, the sky is falling! Good, LET it. Maybe it’ll hit you on your fat head and squoosh it. And those of all your fucking NRA brownshirts, too. Then maybe, finally, we can get some peace and quiet. And maybe even no more stupid people running around with guns. But definitely peace and quiet, and better smelling air, too. PS: Bwahahaha. You were saying? PPS: No, really. Bwahahaha.

2. Brit Fucking Hume. If he doesn’t know where the oil spill is, maybe someone should dunk him in it. Preferably head first. He doesn’t know the first thing about nature, much less its capacity to absorb an oil spill (hint: it doesn’t have any.)

3. David Fucking Frum. Let’s face it, the US is ALWAYS going to be dependent on imported oil. More offshore drilling won’t help them a whit. They might as well learn to deal honestly and squarely with their suppliers for a change. But no, of course the originator of the odious “Axis of Evil” phrase can’t admit THAT!

4. Chris Fucking Oynes. Accountability? Oversight? What are those? When you’re supposed to be a watchdog but you’ve grown accustomed to the life of a lapdog, of course you quit when the shit (or the BP oil rig) has hit the fan.

5. Thomas Fucking Olmsted. No, of course a pregnancy is not a life-threatening illness. But pulmonary hypertension is (it is also currently treatable, but incurable). And pregnancy, which increases a woman’s blood volume considerably, can turn that treatable but incurable condition deadly. Clearly this bishop is clueless about those things (well, he’s not a doctor!), and just as clearly, his “pro-life” stand is pure hypocrisy. Since when is a woman’s life worth less than that of a fetus?

6. Bryan Fucking Adams. Believe it or not, his music used to NOT suck. And I used to like it. Like, back in the early 1980s. Now, he’s become the Bono of this side of the Atlantic. Or, sorry, the Paul Fucking Hewson–bigger on charity fundraising appearances than on actually doing the right thing. You can’t be a rebellious rocker challenging the powers that be when your lips are crazy-glued to their asses, fellas.

7. Woody Fucking Allen. Um, where has he been for the past 30-odd years? Hiding in Europe? No, wait, that was his buddy, Roman Polanski…who thus AVOIDED paying for what he did to that girl, contrary to Woody’s assertions. (And speaking of things done to girls, Woody, there’s the little matter of your former foster-daughter…could that be what prompted this bizarre outburst?)

8. Dale Fucking Peterson. Yeah, making like a crazy, gun-toting hillbilly is a great election strategy. When you can’t appeal to people’s intelligence, why not aim lower–much lower? Hey…it’s Alabama, you’re a Repug–go for it!

9. Sarah Fucking Palin. Racist d-baggin’ teabagger blows the dog whistle yet again. Meanwhile, Mexicans south of the border have a message for Sawah that I don’t think requires any translation. PS: Stay classy, Sarah.

10. Bristol Fucking Palin. Unlikely spokeschick for abstinence, or just the best paid Junior Anti-Sex League prostitute, like, ever? Gosh, it’s getting so hard to tell. What’s clear is that she’s a chip off the old easy-money block. Her mother, too, likes to take a lot of money without really putting it where her gooey-lipsticked mouth is.

11. Jonathan Fucking Katz. Riddle me this: How does a science-challenged, climate-change-denying, homophobic twat get a leading role (even temporarily) on Obama’s Gulf oil-spill cleanup crew? I thought putting right-wing incompetents in charge of disaster response co-ordination was the realm of Dubya and Brownie.

12. Marc Fucking Ouellet. Is it fair to say he’s pro-death, pro-rape and pro-incest? Hell, why not–he thinks it’s fair to say abortion is murder even if it’s to save a woman’s life, or to expunge the products of rape and incest from her womb.

13. Isabelle Fucking Bégin-O’Connor. Hey, what a brilliant idea–instead of relying on birth control to prevent unwanted pregnancy, let’s just all really stress the fuck out! And if we find ourselves pregnant? Let’s just worry ourselves good and sick, and that should take care of everything. Why not–it’s worked great for women down the ages, right? That’s why no one ever resorted to poison potions, back-alley butchers, coathangers or knitting needles…right?

14. Pat Fucking Buchanan. We always knew he was a Nazi-symp and an antisemite. The fact that he’s still on the airwaves is what’s truly shocking. Is it just because he kvetches so much about imaginary commies that he still gets a free
pass to be a public voice of fascism? Whatever the reason, this Father Coughlin shit is old and putrid–and so is he.

15. Tim Fucking Hudak. I’m sorry, did someone say something? Oh–YOU did. And who might YOU be? The Ontario Tory party leader, eh? Well, isn’t that special. Accusing a Liberal premier of being a “nanny” for not further destroying the public services your buddy Mike Harris decimated back in the day? Gosh, it’s like 1995 all over again. Only it’s not, since decimated public services killed seven people and sickened over two thousand in Walkerton. Remember that? It was ten years ago this week. I’ll bet you don’t recall any of that, Timmy-boy, but Walkertonians sure do. A lot of them are still ill, and some are on the waiting list for new kidneys, thanks to Tories like you trying to “get government out of our lives”. (And things look no better at the federal level, either.)

16. and 17. Mark Fucking Souder and Tracy Fucking Jackson. In this case, the Fucking is absolutely literal. And they made a video promoting abstinence…TOGETHER. In both cases, they should have abstained.

18. Stockwell Fucking Day. If you want to be taken seriously by your bureaucratic underlings, here’s a little tip, Stock: Try not being so goddamn fucking STUPID. Leave out the folksy crap and start e-mailing individual people more substantively and specifically on key points, so that they get the feeling that you actually know what you’re talking about, and they understand that you’re talking to THEM. Yeah, I know…not as flashy as showing up in a wetsuit on a jet-ski for a photo-op. But it sure would beat being ridiculed for not knowing which way the Niagara River flows, eh?

19. Thomas Fucking Friedman. Proof, in case anyone needed it, that the New York Times is NOT a meritocracy. Why else would someone so elaborately idiotic get a regular gig in that place, and keep it (and all its attendant caviar) in a time of cutbacks and job losses?

20. Sara Fucking Landriault. How pathetic it must be to be so out of touch with reality that you’re going to boycott Robert Munsch’s delightful children’s books just because the author has admitted that he suffered from drug and mental-health problems, and is now undergoing therapy for them. Sure must suck to be you, Sara…but I bet it sucks even harder to be your kid. I guess they won’t be learning much about mental health from you, other than how to ostracize and stigmatize those who aren’t “perfect”. Precisely the kind of lesson NO kid should be learning!

21. Naomi Fucking Lakritz. Yep, second time wank-listed (or is it third? Been a while. I don’t read her very often, for reasons good: Stopped clock, two seconds a day, yadda yadda.) She starts out sensibly enough, criticizing Wanker #20, but then she fucks it all up by yapping nonsense about Robert Munsch, too. Her angle? She’s offended that he would bare his soul. She makes out that he’s part of some unwholesome new trend in public nudity-of-the-soul. Well, who held a gun to her head and forced her to look at that stark-nekkid soul and all its purplish dangly bits? Nobody. But she still felt she had to pontificate and stigmatize and ostracize Munsch too, which makes me wonder about her unwritten motives.

As for Munsch, he’s not a wanker. He is to Kiddie Lit what Kurt Vonnegut is to adult readers–a treasure trove of wild wit and wisdom and slapstick humor. He’s also painfully, endearingly human. He has freedom of speech, and he has chosen to exercise it to a good end. His recent gut-spill should be taken as proof that it’s possible to be mentally ill and hooked on drugs, and yet still be productive, creative, and deep-down decent in spite of it. (Stephen King, as I recall, did something similar a few years back. As did Kurt Vonnegut in several of his own essays and novels!) Yeah, I know–too complex for the simple minds of conservatards to process. But that’s the way it is. And hey, if it encourages even just one mentally ill or drug-addicted parent or child to get help, it will have done its job. It will have saved a life, and a soul, from the torments of the damned. No thanks to the harpyish maunderings of Ms. Lackwits, of course.

22. Mark Fucking Williams. Oh nice, he likened Muslims to monkeys. Not a bit racist, is he? Oh noes, not at ALL! Way to go, insulting Lord Hanuman. Wrong religion, fuck-ass.

UPDATE: He’s now apologized to the Hindus, and gone right out and insulted you-know-who all over again. Fine words for someone whose own religion is most definitely a death cult.

23. Rand Fucking Paul. Epic fail, named after the pseudonym of the worst US writer of all time. And that’s no coincidence–every “libertarian” is really a Nazi, just a scratch below the surface. Let the free market take care of racism? Brilliant. Segregated lunch counters (plus guns) forever! Also, his former spokesman was apparently in Deathtöngue. Along with the KKK. And other fun shit.

24. Satoshi Fucking Kanazawa. So, feminism is to blame for modern women’s unhappiness, with capitalism and sexism and all those other unhappy-making isms left (as usual) completely out of the equation? So says the “scientist”, and he would “know”, of course, sitting as he does in a narrow little cubicle in a narrow little room in a narrow little universe, smirking his narrow little face off and congratulating himself on the virtues of his narrow little mind. I was
going to wipe that stupid smirk away with my trusty aluminum Louisville Slugger, but then Regina Barreca very happily, very funnily kicked the piss out of him on the same website for me. And then, by even happier coincidence, I also found this article at Salon.com and this one at Cracked.com, explaining to my complete satisfaction why what’s being marketed to women as “happiness” is totally fucking overrated anyway. Being pwned by Cracked sure must hurt, eh Satoshi? But wait, it gets better: The Globe and Mail has an excellent piece demonstrating–scientifically–how being politically active is good for you. Feminism is as political an activity as it gets. And I know for a fact that I’ve been a lot happier–and guys have liked me better–whenever I let my feminist flag fly. So I’m putting my aluminum bat away now, as my work here (“here” being Satoshi’s groin) is done.

25. Katilyn Fucking Grishan. Already pwned at the link, but if you like the smell of hasbara burning late into the Victoria Weekend night, by all means, enjoy. I did promise her she’d be wank-listed, and I always keep my word.

PS: Stupid twat got in a parting shot. I decided to let it pass, so you could all laugh at her with me. Katie, I’m rubber, you’re glue. What you wished will bounce off of me…and stick to you. Your anger makes me happy.

And finally, to John Fucking Josephs. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a wanker commit hyperbolic onanism on my site, and I can’t say I’ve missed the experience of being accused of supporting “child murder” very much. For the record, I consider a child to be someone already born, not a fetus in utero. Also for the record, I don’t believe anything is murder without malice aforethought. Neither does English common law. Surely you’re familiar with that, living in London as you do, eh John?

But if you insist on using such odious terms, you may want to think about the number of abortions your Sky Pixie does, John. (Yes, miscarriages count. So do blighted ova.) Or merely contemplate that lovely little phrase, “The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away”; it refers also to abortion. Visit your local cemetery, and make note of how many gravestones you see for persons under 18. Then note how many you see for persons under 9 months’ gestation (including miscarriages and blighted ova). And think that one over. I’m sure the correct interpretation will come to you by and by.

Good night, and get fucked.