Wankers of the Week: Tucson Massacre edition

What a week it’s been. It feels like longer, doesn’t it? Well, no wonder. The news has been full of the Tucson massacre from toppum to bottomus. And while the lessons it has to teach us are not lost on progressives, the other side is forever circling the drain in a short bus. And here’s who’s on it this week:

1. The Phucking Phelps KKKlan. Of course, they never miss an opportunity to thrust their hate into the eyes of anyone they can get to. And if that means disrupting funerals, they don’t care–they just do it. I concluded long ago that what they do is not about winning converts to Christianity, it’s about pure unmitigated sadism; otherwise it might have occurred to them that you catch more flies with honey than with vitriol. It’s very telling, isn’t it, that no one is threatening THEM with death, even though their ideology and their habits have made them into the sort of people you wouldn’t mind getting shut of by any means necessary. But you know what? Death’s too good for them; some other band of sickos will just take them up as martyrs. Just this once, can’t they be rounded up and thrown in jail for disturbing the peace? There has been enough hatred and inflammation thrown out already. The First Amendment was not written to protect THAT. (EDIT: Looks like there’s gonna be a Phelps-free zone at some of the funerals of the victims. Well, it’s a compromise, but it should at least afford the mourners some dignity. This, however, is just disgusting and shameless of them.)

2. Judson Fucking Phillips. Of course, the head of the Teabagger Party would say that the shooter was a, and I quote: “liberal lunatic. Emphasis on both words”. Never mind that there is no such thing as a liberal gun nut. All gun nuts, including registered independents like this one, have overwhelmingly conservative leanings. Since this mentally ill kid is obviously THEIR product, of course they have to project, deflect and hope the mud they throw sticks. And of course, it’s totally typical and par for the course that this wanker is trying to smear ALL liberals as lunatics. Too bad the truth is already out–not only was the far–from–liberal lunatic inspired by THEIR rhetoric, he was also directed by their crosshair-encrusted map. This kind of rhetoric only confirms what we already know: that teabaggers are by definition eliminationists and extremists, out to destroy anyone who gets in the way of their fucked-up agenda. That they are hypocrites who piously disclaim responsibility even as some deranged person (not helped, might I add, by a public mental-health system long starved of funding) gloms onto their rhetoric and does his best to make it real. And also that they are too cowardly to own their shit.

3. Sarah Fucking Palin. Speaking of too cowardly to own their shit, how about her? Suddenly, she’s gone from “don’t retreat, instead–RELOAD”…to scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing like Lady Macbeth. Too bad for her that the evidence has been preserved, and it is DAMNING:

Yeah, Sarah, we really believe that “survey” bullshit. And while you’re at it, would you mind explaining why TLC has just now cancelled your show? Please, make it a good one…I’m in dire need of a laugh lately. Especially after this, which is frankly fucking disgusting. Face it, Sarah, you have NO place in politics. You had an opportunity to smarten up, and instead, you used it to bunker down. You are nobody’s future president. You are not a leader. You aren’t even persecuted. You are just an idiotic narcissist who has quit every elected office she ever held, mid-term. You should be shunned and ignored. And after all this, I hope you finally are.

4. Howard Fucking Kurtz. The “lone nut” theory–where have we heard it before? Oh yeah: Dealey Plaza, Dallas, 1963. Some non-explanation “explanations” just never get old, for some people.

5. David Fucking Frum. Oh goody, I was wondering what the next stupid utterance out of him would be. And here it is: POT IS TO BLAME FOR THE TUCSON MASSACRE! Therefore, POT must be “regulated”. A baggie of weed is all it takes to turn a weird, confused kid into a psychotic assassin! Let’s go search the Loughner residence for a bong, shall we? After all, guns don’t kill people, BONGS do! Alas for Dave, there’s a problem with his pot theory: Jared Loughner went off the deep end long after he went off the pot.

PS: Also, low blow:

Stay classy, Dave.

6. Rand Fucking Paul. And of course, while we’re on the subject of guns-not-killing-people, it was high time our other pet idiot opened his piehole and emitted a few foolish noises, too. But hey! Perhaps he could summon up the spirit of Aqua Buddha and explain a few things about pot to Wanker #5, eh?

7. Lamar Fucking Alexander. No, no, don’t let’s talk about Sarah Fucking Palin’s connections to the massacre. Even if the connections are so fucking obvious. That would just be so rude and indelicate! After all, she’s the real victim here!

8. Aaron Fucking Klein. Here’s a new twist on a stupid old saying: Guns don’t kill people, and neither do deranged gun nuts. Bill Ayers does!

9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. The Pigman is just about as deranged as the shooter. Just because someone smiles in his mug shot doesn’t mean he has “the full support of the Democratic Party”–it’s the schizophrenia, stupid! And since the Pigman apparently forgets, the shooter’s victims were probably all Democrats (with the obvious exception of the 9-year-old, who was too young to vote.) How can anyone “support” their own would-be killer? Only a brain thoroughly fried on OxyContin could produce such cracked ramblings. Time to pull the plug on the Pigman. He’s too toxic for radio anymore.

10. Virginia Fucking Foxx. Violent Republican teatard shooter blahblah isn’t responsible for violent shooters’ behavior. But communist literature is! Therefore the shooter is “the liberal of liberals”, even though no liberal espouses shooting as a “remedy” for “socialism”! Y’know, Gin, you can get surgery to uncross those beady little eyes of yours. But it’s gonna take more than that to help you see straight.

11. Glenn Fucking Beck. He claims that everybody wants him dead. Actually, it’s the other way ’round. Remember him wanting to kill Michael Moore? The more I hear from this cartoon clown, the more I think he’s paranoid schizophrenic himself…he’s gaga for gold, everyone wants him dead, and in reality he’s the one hearing voices telling him to kill, kill, kill.

12. Mike Fucking Huckabee. The truth hurts, and guess who’s screaming in pain? Yup, yet another right-wing nutter who I’m glad never made it to the Oval Office.

13. Rebecca Fucking Mansour. Oh sure, your widdle crosshairs map had nothing to do with it. And neither did your boss’s posing with a rifle, or her use of the words “reload” and “bullseye”. Nothing, nothing at all! We’ll just ignore the fact that Gabby Giffords was in the crosshairs, and that they were NOT those of a surveyor’s scope. Gosh, don’t we all feel silly now?

14. Michelle Fucking Malkin. False equivalence? She haz it. Unfortunately for her, it’s the best she’s got. After that, it all degenerates in to the usual flying-monkey screeching, poo-flinging and name-slanging. Which ties into false equivalence rather nicely, and also makes our point for us–that the right is nothing but an Augean stable of violent rhetoric when all’s said. Thanks, Michelle!

15. Glenn Fucking Reynolds. If you’re wondering who’s responsible for the Paliness’s “blood libel” stupidity, look no further. Instapissant is your man. And just think…this jackass is a law professor. One would think he’d be more cautious in his choice of words. But no. Since he’s also a wingnut, of course he’ll fly straight for the jugular, every fucking time. Just like the least educated of the myriad flying monkeys that cluster around his hemorrhoids.

16. Alan Fucking Dershowitz. Another law professor who doesn’t get it. What’s more shocking is that he’s Jewish. He, of all people, should be decrying this “blood libel” idiocy, not supporting it. But what did we expect? This is Dershowitz we’re talking about–the man who thinks torture is an acceptable interrogation method. He long ago forfeited any right to pronounce on what is appropriate in any given context.

17. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Well, of course he would be cool with the “blood libel” smear. Doesn’t affect him; he’s not Jewish. Also, Hitler.

18. John Fucking Boehner. Money, money, über alles…and of course, an opportunity to schmooze for cash over drinky-poos matters more than the dead in Tucson. What else does one expect of the second most self-pitying, thin-skinned Repug in the land?

Oh crap. I just insulted Howdy Doody, who has done nothing to merit such an odious comparison!

19. Trent Fucking Humphries. Blaming the victim, in this case Gabby Giffords, for getting shot? I don’t suppose any of you will be surprised, dear readers, to hear that Mr. Humphries is the head of the local Teabag Party. It may surprise him, though, to know that Gabby is a Blue Dog who not only supports gun ownership for self-defence, but practises it herself. Is she to blame for not believing she’d need to pack a pistol for an informal meet-‘n’-greet? And if so, what does that say about the political culture in Arizona?

20. and 21. Trent Fucking Franks and Steve Fucking King. Two rock-filled heads I would like to knock together for both thinking the same fucked-up thing. More guns in Tucson would have meant more DEATH, not more lives saved, you fucking imbeciles.

22. Rex Fucking Murphy. Why?

That’s why. Canada’s most sanctimonious asshat just beshat himself royally yet again, trying to tell the rest of us what idiots we are for drawing the most blindingly obvious of conclusions, based upon a profusion of evidence. Sarah Palin and the teabaggers–slandered! The “definitive” Jared Loughner–apolitical! Right-wingers–off the hook! Rex Fucking Murphy–as usual, far to the right, and as usual, DEAD WRONG!

23. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. People are getting shot because of the hate he and his fellow FUXers whip up. Remember “Tiller the Killer”? Billo doesn’t. Which is shocking, because HE SAID IT. And now he claims that “the problem is MSNBC”? And they exist strictly to persecute poor, innocent Billo? Yeah, right. I don’t hear of that network telling people to go out and buy Glocks to defend themselves from the abortion doctors, the socialists and the Kenyans which are lurking under every bed, just waiting for Saul Alinsky to give the attack signal from beyond the grave. But I hear it all the time from FUX Snooze…which, ahem, is where Billo plies his obnoxious, sanctimonious trade.

24. P.J. O’Fucking Rourke. Obtuse much? The problem is not liberals seeking equal rights for the insane, you idiot, it’s right-wingers pushing the insane (whom they have done NOTHING to help, what with funding cuts to mental health programs and all) over the edge. And the idea that the tea-tards are latter-day Tom Paines strains all credibility. They are not revolutionary geniuses, they are reactionary idiots with more guns than functional brain cells. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like this guy even in his relatively benign, if lame, attempts to be funny, and now I know why: He really isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. And to be truly funny, you have to be able to cut something besides warm butter.

25. Vincent Fucking McCrudden. Crud in the name, dirty the game. And yeah, gun nut culture is so pervasive now that even commodities traders are getting in on the act. Especially the crooked ones.

26. Jim Fucking Hoft. Dude, don’t put words in Obama’s mouth. Or on his Jumbotron. It’s called CAPTIONING…perhaps you’ve heard of it? Don’t worry, you’ll be needing it yourself ere long, if your hearing is as poor as your reading comprehension.

27. And that goes double for the idiots at the Fucking Barracuda Brigade. Feeding frenzy of foolishness, anyone? Oh wait, they’re Palinites. That explains it all!

28. and 29. Make it a triple for Pamela Fucking Idiot Geller and Doug Fucking Ross. People, be careful–Teh Stoopid is contagious!

30. All the fucking asshats who dissed Dr. Carlos Gonzales…who is not only an actual physician (and professor of medicine), but also a Native shaman and oh yeah, a practising Catholic. For shame. I guess this is just another example of that fabled right-wing civility I keep hearing so much about, usually from wingnuts coming here to chide me on my bad fucking language. But here’s the thing, you twats…neither the good doctor’s particular style of prayer, nor my imprecations, has ever resulted in a single death. Your hate speech? Well…

…it all kind of speaks for itself, no?

And finally, by special request, Mike Fucking Lee. While this is not Tucson-related, it still speaks to the level of insanity the Teabagger Party suffers, and may go a ways toward explaining just how twisted and regressive their minds really are. It may, also, explain why civil discourse is lost on them, and why they will never do anything about the festering problem of gun violence in the US. It’s because they cannot be induced to walk forward, and think there should be no laws to assure progress! Mike Lee thinks child labor laws are “unconstitutional”. I bet he’s probably yearning for the “good” old days of the 3/5 compromise, too. And it wouldn’t surprise me to hear him defend “states’ rights”, which is just a dog-whistle for slavery. There’s a special place on my wank-list for that kind of idiocy, and it’s this one–last, but not least in terms of Teh Stoopid. Mike, ol’ son, here’s your badge. Wear it with…well, you know.

Good night, and get fucked!