Wankers of the Week: Death Stare edition

Crappy weekend, everybody! Doesn’t that video just say it all? I figured it was the perfect lead-in to this week’s wankapedia…which, of course, though still in no particular order, is led by you-know who…because this is about all the leadership quality he’s got left:

1. Stephen Fucking Harper. Oh lordy, where to start with this one? There is so much wank here, just this week alone. His whiny performance at the Tuesday evening leadership debate was a wank, as is the SupposiTories’ parliamentary obstruction manualall 200 pages of it. And how about that “plan” to move the media to a shoe store in the Sparks Street Mall in downtown Ottawa, safely away from Parliament Hill, so they can’t ask hard questions and ambush MPs at the doors of the Commons or in the parliamentary press gallery, as of old? Yeah, that’s a wank, too. And then there’s Internet espionage, and a big smelly fib about health transfer payments to the provinces. But wait! There’s even MORE despicable: The Auditor General, Sheila Fraser, is righteously pissed off at them. And why not? This is the most unaccountable government we’ve ever had, bar none–they even make Brian Mulroney look honest.

2. Donald Fucking Trump. No, nobody sees him as a serious presidential threat. His hair, on the other hand, looks like it could eat small children alive. PS: Oh, FUCK. It’s eaten his brain already! PPS: And can we honestly say we’re surprised to learn that he’s quite the racist, too?

3. Joseph Fucking Farah. Finally, FINALLY he admits it: WingNutDaily publishes misinformation! Now, what’s this “some” business? I haven’t seen a single story on there that wasn’t wall-to-wall crapaganda!

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4. Sam Fucking Brownback. Awwww, so touching how concerned he is about the (largely imagined, and totally unproven) pain of the fetus during an abortion. How about the suffering of the woman during a forced pregnancy? Or how she suffers giving birth to a child that’s fatally deformed? Oh that’s right…she’s not human; her life only matters insofar as she can be kept around to serve as an incubator. Doesn’t matter if she’s practically a cadaver, as long as she’s still circulating blood to the placenta. Only the fetus truly counts. And whether it’s healthy isn’t the real issue, either. As long as the far-right fetus fetishists are appeased, shit–who cares?

5. Bill Fucking Donohue. Yup, the biggest apologist for the Roman Catholic Church’s pedophiles is up and whining and blaming the victims…again. His line this time? Still the same old same old: Teh Ghey! Willing participants! Strangely absent: any mention of the fact that abusive priests–or “willing participants in cassocks”, if you will–were breaking their vows of celibacy. Awwwwkward.

6. PJ Fucking McDowell. Or whatever his real name is; that’s the pseudonym of a coward who blames everyone but himself (and his dim-witted penis) for the fact that he married the wrong woman for the wrong reasons, then had an affair (and got that woman pregnant as well) and ruined everything for not one but two families. And who’s the really selfish one? His poor cheated-on wife…for putting her injured feelings and sense of betrayal ahead of “won’t somebody think of the children”. How dare she, the hussy! Jezebel has the perfect takedown, if you’d care to read it.

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7. Sarah Fucking Palin. Enabling Wanker #2 in his birtherism isn’t going to improve your (already shitty) chances at the White House next year, dear.

8. Fucking Arifinto. If you’re gonna make something illegal in Indonesia, don’t do it with something you like to watch during slow times in parliament. Like, oh, say, PORN. Unless, of course, you’re just kinky that way.

9. Jack Fucking Schaap. So, this whited sepulchre is unrepentant about the shitty way he treated his parishioners, even after being exposed on national teevee? Well, all righty then. Maybe a mass walkout would teach him the error of his ways. Or better still, some jail time for mental cruelty.

10. Michael Fucking Sona. Looks like the SupposiTories up here are taking notes on vote-challenging from their Repug counterpigs in the US. This one, and a band of his fellow campus Conservative thugs, tried to hold up the democratic process in Guelph, Ontario, by claiming an advance polling station at the city’s eponymous university was illegal. It wasn’t. But I bet what the campus conservatards tried to do…WAS!

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PS: Special dishonorable mention to the fool who, first crack out of the comment box, claims it couldn’t have been an actual advance poll because those aren’t supposed to start until April 22. But since this was at a university, and the majority of the students would have cleared out by then as it was the end of their semester, the university got a special advance poll set up, as noted in the local newspaper. So, not only was Sona clearly in the wrong, but his would-be defender, too. One has to wonder if this troll got paid to spout such inanities–remember, the Calgary Craigslist site had a brief ad up calling for hirelings to do just that!

PPS: Looks like the Tory effort to make sure university votes didn’t stand…didn’t stand. Ha, ha.

11. The Fucking Lingerie Football League. It’s an inane enough idea, this demeaning concept of chicks in skimpy underwear and minimal padding running around after a pigskin, but talk about adding injury to insult–the league won’t pay for the medical treatments needed by injured ex-players, and league boss Mitchell Fucking Mortaza threatens legal action against anyone who tries to fight for it. And just think, people, Toronto is about to get its own franchise! Well, at least THOSE girls will have free medicare…for whatever that’s worth. Personally, I won’t watch football until they get guys in tiny Speedos doing what these girls are doing right now. And hell, I can just turn on competitive swimming and diving for the part of it that really interests me.

12. Amin Fucking Kassim. Talk about fucking chutzpah: He guns down his former common-law wife because he doesn’t want their young son’s mind “spoiled”–a dumbass move for any single father. Then, at the ensuing murder trial, he represents himself–a dumbass move for anyone other than a trained lawyer. But what really takes the biscuit is when he gets Juror #5, himself quite the sexist wanker, involved–a dumbass move, period. Clicky the linky, people, you really have to read it for yourselves.

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13. The Fucking Government of Japan. That’s right, the government. Rather than taking proper measures to protect the people, whom does it protect? TEPCO–the company running the nuclear reactor that blew at Fukushima, contaminating land, air and sea with radioactive particles. The people are not being adequately warned or evacuated, according to Greenpeace’s monitors at the scene. They’re receiving a year’s worth of radiation in the space of just a few weeks. While that may not be enough to kill them in the short term, it does mean a greatly elevated risk of dying from cancer over the long term. Shouldn’t the people’s needs be placed ahead of TEPCO’s reputation, such as it is? Or, more to the point, TEPCO’s cash?

14. Zeljko Fucking Zidaric. Oh, the things a single careless e-mail can reveal! For all those wondering if the SupposiTories really care about new (“ethnic”) Canadians beyond using them for self-aggrandizing photo ops, we now have a definitive answer: They don’t.

15. Orrin Fucking Hatch. This one joins Wanker #8 in the porn-disgrace corner. Only, alas, he has yet to be caught consuming it on the job; instead, his wank is that he’s claiming it to be responsible for a rise in crimes and other assorted social disgraces which have all actually fallen in the last several years. Boner.


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16. David Fucking Cameron. Xenophobe much? I know it’s hard to believe, but new immigrants DO make an effort to learn the language of their new country, and to integrate into society. It’s not their fault if others don’t understand that. Or the difference between integration and assimilation. But it’s absolutely inexcusable when those who don’t understand are running the country…into the fucking ground. And one of the ways they’re doing it is to blame the victims of good old English racism by suggesting, not so subtly, that they are bringing it onto themselves.

17. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. He’s in a league with Wanker #13 for not disclosing the fact that Ontario’s radiation levels are up since the TEPCO disaster in Japan. What’s he so afraid of–having to do his job, which entails informing the public and enabling them to protect themselves? Remember, he got elected in the wake of Walkerton–another big scandal involving contaminated water. He made environmental protection a major plank in his platform, and how he’s reneging? I think from now on, I may have to call him McWimpy.

18. Scott Fucking Walker. Finally, the inevitable happens: a criminal probe! Can a recall vote be far behind? The people of Wisconsin surely deserve better than this blatantly crooked, cross-eyed teabag. Let’s hope they get a real governor, and soon.


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Quod erat demonstrandum, baby.

19. Tim Fucking Hudak. Oh surprise! Ontario’s SupposiTory leader is an exact replica, in miniature, of Wanker #1. Which actually doesn’t surprise Ontarians a bit…we all knew he would turn out like this. After all, he’s a Mike Harris SupposiTory…and a lot of THOSE epic failures fell up to land straight in Harpo’s cabinet.

20. Roger Fucking Vangheluwe. How’s this for chutzpah? He’s a two-time incestuous child abuser, AND he has no intentions of leaving the priesthood. Stands to reason: Why leave the biggest pedophile-shielding closet on Earth, which also guarantees a steady stream of prospective victims to the abuser?

21. Chris Fucking Christie. I believe the words “gross misogynist fuck” just about cover it, no?

22. Rick Fucking Santorum. Ass sploodge says WHAT? He’s running for president? Ha, ha–oozing might be more like it. Or creeping.


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23. and 24. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly and Suzanne Fucking Venker. Isn’t it funny how those very same women who say the rest of us should go home, stay in the kitchen, and make babies, don’t take their own advice–and make a very lucrative cottage industry of being utter fucking hypocrites? If their shit didn’t do massive damage to women’s well-being in real life, it would be funny. But remember, Phyllis Fucking Schlafly is practically THE woman who got the Equal Rights Amendment scrapped, and has kept a second one from being tabled since. I guess it’s easy to fight tooth and nail against social justice if it deprives you of credibility and moolah–eh?

25. Scott Fucking Adams. In the entry that got eaten a couple of weeks ago, I slammed his balls to the wall for being a friggin’ misogynist AND, when called on it, dropping a string of comments (scroll down!) belittling the intelligence of his feminist critics (thus proving, backhandedly and cackhandedly, that the ladies had a damn good point). Now he’s back in the news again, for yet another egomaniacal, loserish wank: pretending to be someone else, a rabid superfan of–you guessed it–Scott Fucking Adams. Sock puppet on hand (or cock?), he trolled the Internets, using at least one fake identity to prove that dang, that Scott Fucking Adams is a damn good cartoonist. And a sooooooper-genius. Unfortunately, that was none too bright of him, since someone whose IQ probably didn’t test so high easily sussed him out…and now all the subgenii of the world are laughing at him. Me? Well, as a former Mensan with a 99th-percentile IQ of mine own, I just roll my big, brown eyes at the notion that a guy who does crude doodles of talking Machiavellian dogs and “Elbonians” could fancy himself so terribly, terribly much.

26. Linda Fucking Szczepanski. Driving drunk is a wank in and of itself, but when arrested for it, to tell the officer to go arrest pedophiles–and MEXICANS? That’s some triple-distilled industrial strength wankitude right there!

And finally, a special shout-out and Bronx cheer to these guys:

How do you suck? Let me count the ways…no, wait, on second thought, I don’t have all fucking night. Let’s just say that’s the most unhip hip-hop I’ve heard all week. And if you’re gonna get down on taxing and spending, better attack your own military-industrial complex first. You missed them in your word-salad of bad unrhyming verse. Kind of a major oversight, that.

Good night, and get fucked!

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