Crappy Labor Day weekend, everyone! So, how’s that jobless “recovery” been treating you? Like shit? No kidding. If it’s jobless, it’s not a recovery, no matter how the media spin it. And speaking of spinning, here are this week’s wankers, unspun, in no particular order:
1. Fucking Dubya. “Why didn’t we know this?” That’s all he’s got to say, after willfully ignoring a PDB on Hiroshima Day, 2001? Dubya, you DID know. And you LET it happen. Quit fucking lying. After ten years, this is just so goddamn disgusting, this endless disingenuous bullshitting.
2. Dick Fucking Cheney. Yes, he’s a heartless fucking cyborg. And he still thinks waterboarding is nothing but a harsh interrogation. I’d suggest we give him a taste of his own medicine, but let’s face it: a robot wouldn’t feel shit. PS: What Ron said. PPS: “Pinochet” him? That’s way too kind. I propose trying and jailing him BEFORE the bastard motherfucker croaks. PPPS: Not believing that drunkenness was just a youthful indiscretion, either.
3. Tony Fucking Blair. Yes, he really is Fucking Dubya’s fucking poodle. Used to be I thought he’d been dragged into it, but it seems he was willing. Yeah, a coalition of two. How fucking lovely! PS: Oh, UGH. With endorsements like that, a move to the True Crime section of the bookstore is all but inevitable.
4. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Somebody please take the Pigman’s OxyContin away, he’s hallucinating now. He seriously thinks Barack Obama wanted Hurricane Irene to be worse? You mean like KATRINA worse, Rushbo? PS: Ha, ha.
5. Pamela Fucking Geller. Rick Fucking Perry, Christian dominionist theocrat, is “the enemy”? Doesn’t this crazy wingnut bitch have any friends? Apparently, no…at least, not as long as insane ideological purity is the criterion of friendship. Or just plain fucking insanity. With her, it’s hard to tell.
6. Rick Fucking Santorum. While we’re on the subject of people who drool when bells ring, how about Icky Ricky Man-on-Dog, who barks whenever someone says “gay”, and thinks they’re out to get him? He’s now using the J-word, too. Someone inform #5… PS: Also, it’s “bigotry” to point out that a bigot is bigoted. Oh Ricky, your homophobia is so GAY.
7. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. We’ve been long overdue for another Billo sex scandal, so this one’s a real end-of-summer treat: His wife (allegedly) schtups the sheriff. How does Billo get back at the lovers? By getting the cop’s own police department to spy on the officer for him. Since when are cops private dicks to rich FUX Snooze dicks?
8. Bernard-Henri Fucking Lévy. A wanker on two counts: (1) Libya is NOT “liberated” yet, and (2) even if it were, he wouldn’t deserve a shred of credit for it. Nor, for that matter, does any other foreign imperialist. If you want a truer picture of what the French have been up to in North Africa, I suggest watching The Battle of Algiers.
9. Wayne Fucking Bell. Publishing (and defending) a grotesque 9-11 “coloring book” that glorifies violence and Islamophobia (as well as the long-debunked “Osama was hiding behind his wife’s skirts” myth)? Cue Wanker #5 to clap like a performing seal with zealous approval. As one of the ThinkProgress commenters put it: “You know, there seems to be an awful lot of text on the excerpted page, far more than is typical for coloring books, at least in my experience of them as father to a kindergartner. Honestly, any kid who can read and process that much text is probably not all that interested in coloring books anymore. Which strongly suggests that this was published as an attention-getting stunt.” Attention, and money. Not to mention ginning up irrational prejudice in impressionable kids. Disgusting on all counts.
10. Donald Fucking Rumsfeld. Another BushCo piece of shit who’s written a book to capitalize on all the nauseating publicity in the run-up to 9-11, the Tenth Fucking Anniversary. And who clearly doesn’t give a shit for the suicides his opportunistic, lie-based wars-for-profit have generated.
11. Thomas Fucking Warda. Blaming a sex-abuse victim is bad enough. But saying that the girl, who is all of 14, will “eventually forget all about this”? And that the married, 52-year-old abuser somehow forgot that teenagers were off limits because he had cancer? I don’t know about you, but personally, I’d find such things awfully hard to forget at ANY age, even if I tried. Just as I’d have trouble forgetting that the slimy defence attorney of the scumbag is an unpardonable asshole for insinuating such things.
12. Eric Fucking Angell. Rape isn’t fucking funny. Neither is using it as the basis of a creepy “comedy” monologue. Especially not if you’re the shit-weaselly perp of the incident in question. Being warned, when you got to the bit about entering her hotel room uninvited, that there is a 5th Amendment, should have been a cue that this was not going to end well. And that “fishhook” bit? The women in the audience were booing and hissing for a reason, dude. “Take it to the next level”, in your own words, and turn your sorry, seventh-rate ass in.
13. Steven Fucking Seagal. What do you get when you take a washed-up action film star, the world’s worst fucking sheriff, a man accused of animal cruelty (cockfighting), and throw them together to shoot a so-called “reality” show? You get a tank driven by the washed-up action film star into the home of the man accused of animal cruelty, at the behest of the world’s worst sheriff. And you also get one dead puppy and a lot of dead roosters. Yeah, poser, talk to us again about how much you hate animal cruelty — when you finally stop doing it yourself.
14. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Cthulhu!!! Ahem. Abdul Alhazred has NOTHING on her. Swear.
16. and 17. The Fucking Brothers Ford. Public services and light rail transit for Torontonians are “gravy”…but Ferris wheels, extra shopping malls (in a city already inundated with shopping districts, and denizens growing ever shorter on cash to spend there thanks to the high cost of real estate), monorails and football stadiums are “essential”. You gotta hand it to Robbo and Dougie, they sure have vision. Unfortunately, it’s the kind that comes from drinking too much fucking rotgut. PS: Ha, ha. Looks like even the most rabidly right-wing cops don’t appreciate being lumped in with the “gravy”! Better pray the RIDE program doesn’t catch you at one of their roadblocks, either, Robbo.
18. Kirsty Fucking Lane. The next time you rob your boss blind to pay for your trying-too-hard “posh” wedding (which was also in exceedingly poor taste, BTW — Fugg boots, anyone?), you might want to think twice about inviting him. After all, he might connect the dots between you crying poor and all those embezzled quid, luv.
19. Christina Fucking Martin. Black or white, NO woman goes to her hairdresser for an anti-choice lecture. She goes to get her hair done. And no, abortion isn’t at all like slavery. (It isn’t the #1 killer of black people, either. But if you want to talk young black women who can’t afford a safe, LEGAL abortion, you might be kinda-sorta onto something there.)
20. Ahmed Fucking Hasnain. 9-1-1 is not the number of the Better Business Bureau. And really: ordering a hooker and then complaining when you get two? That’s just too fucking funny.
21. Angelo Fucking Persichilli. Yeah, try and tell me that this isn’t Stephen Fucking Harper’s way of flipping l’oiseau at les Québécois. The guy is his new communications director, doesn’t speak French, probably won’t learn how before his ass is canned, and already is on record as dissing la belle province. If this is Harpo’s way of trying to woo the (traditionally NDP/Liberal) “ethnic” vote, it’s already an Ethnic Fail.
22. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Italy is “shitty” and “sickens” him for not letting him get away with crime after crime after crime? Aside from the whining (unattractive coming from any man, undignified coming such an old one), that’s a major fucking case of projection there. Italy is sick of his shit, and so is everyone else who’s heard of it. And I’m sure they won’t be sorry to see him go…provided that he leaves what he owes in back taxes behind.
23. Xavier Fucking Thompson. Perhaps he and Rick Fucking Santorum should get a room. They both seem to have remarkably similar views on how bigoted it is to call bigots out on their bigotry!
24. Mike Fucking Stahl. Perhaps he and #23 should make it a threesome with Icky Ricky. Or, even better, let’s all us pagans, heathens and unbelievers start a registry for stupid fucking fundies, to let them know what stigma means.
25. Catherine Fucking Hakim. There’s a good reason she didn’t want to talk about her book, even though she went on the telly to flog it — it’s because it’s nothing but a compendium of all the utterly demeaning sexist drivel that’s been debunked over and over and fucking over again, and she knows it. It’s indefensible, and therefore all efforts at defending it would be wasted. But hey, maybe she should get together with this disgraced Korean politician, it sounds like they might actually hit it off. Spend that Erotic Capital, Cathy baby!
26. Sue Fucking Dvorsky. Instead of the Iowa Democrats being “embarrassed” by a progressive group that sounds like it’s actually doing their work for them, how about they get off their fucking duffs, quit kvetching about how “embarrassed” they are, and, you know, get progressive already?
27. Christopher Fucking Parker. Yup, I’d say he pegged himself just about right. He IS a dumbass white boy from Wisconsin. And he’s lucky that it was only the Chicago cops he had a run-in with there on the South Side, and not Leroy Brown. PS: That $100,000 bribe offer was a nice touch. Too bad that it, too, was an Epic Fail.
28. Matthew Fucking Vadum. Who the hell is this nobody, and why is he calling the late Jack Layton “a poser”? Oh yeah, I know: PROJECTION, yer Honor! PS: What he calls “un-American”, the rest of us call DEMOCRACY. Also, he looks like a fuckin’ cracker. Yes, the hashtag #MatthewVadumFuckFace does nicely for ME, thanks.
29. Joe Fucking Lieberman. I had no idea that Barack Obama was the least bit “concerned with offending Muslims”, but apparently Dubya’s bucket-boy thinks he is. And that it’s “hurting the war effort”. If Holy Joe were the least bit reality-based, he might realize that the war effort is hurting the war effort, and warhawks like him are the real ones to blame.
30. Victoria Fucking Jackson. She went on a cruise to Alaska with some like-minded (i.e. EQUALLY MINDLESS) teabags. She had some experiences that will last a lifetime. She saw a whale shoot “spray” from its blowhole, and a bear crossing the street. She saw salmon spawning, and an otter eating them. And she watched as some other teabag “confronted” a “liberal, biased” journalist with some corny, irrelevant story about a Republican who wasn’t a teabag! Amazing how she could do all that without once leaving the cozy echo chamber of fellow idiots, but I guess anything’s theoretically possible for a washed-up comedienne whose SNL schtick was to recite bad poetry (her own) while standing on her head.
31. Jane Fucking Cunningham. If you ever needed proof that right-wing women do NOT have other people’s best interests at heart (only their own, and those of the business ruling class for whom they front) here you go. She wants to repeal the ban on child labor. Great, let’s enslave her kids! Or THEIR kids! After all, fair’s fair! Give those little bastards a work ethic, dammit! Because they sure as hell aren’t going to inherit one from HER.
32. The Fucking Texas Police Chiefs Association. Thanks for confirming the whole world’s suspicion that your profession is just popping with racist rednecks, bigots and cheaters, ossifers.
33. David Fucking Bovino. Speaking of racist, how about shooting yourself in the arm to get some sympathy from the girlfriend who dumped you, and then blaming it on two black men? Yeah, just as you’d expect: Very effective. I’ll bet the ex is congratulating herself right now on making the correct decision.
34. Chris Fucking Jeon. Welcome to Jackass, the Libyan Revolution. The only thing that could possibly have made it “sicker” is if this college clown had gotten his thrill-seeking ass killed.
35. Dominique Fucking Strauss-Kahn. Because he got off. Because he got out. And because the criminal justice system blatantly fucking FAILED. Tristane Banon, I wish you all the luck in the world; you’re going to need it. Fucking wanker plans to sue you for “defamation”, i.e. telling the truth.
And finally, to everyone who’s been hyping the upcoming 10th anniversary of 9-11. Class and dignity (not to mention good fiscal sense) would dictate not continuing to make it a casus belli, but of course, islamophobia never sleeps. Neither does war profiteering. And neither do liars. And I’ll be watching you all very closely for more wankage in the week to come. Sadly, I don’t doubt that there will be plenty.
Good night, and get fucked!