Wankers of the Week: Crass Warfare, Too

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Crappy weekend, everyone! Well, how about that occupation of Wall St.? It’s still going on, despite today’s police raid. And it looks like it’s going to go on…how long? Indefinitely? Or just until crapitalism finally crapitulates? Well, that’ll probably be never, so indefinitely it must be. Oh, oh, what a lovely class war. And speaking of wars, here are some of our enemies for the week. In no particular order…

1. Tony Fucking Blair. Now we all know why he was Dubya’s poodle. When a request to the UN for recognition of Palestine as a state is too “confrontational” for his liking, you know he’s still bent over in you-know-whose woodshed. The embarrassing thing is, he can’t seem to wipe that inane grin off his face. Even the current stodgepodge squatting in Number 10 isn’t so fascistic towards Palestine, or so stupid. One rather gets the impression Toady LIKES playing the fool on the world stage.

2. Tony Fucking Clement. Apparently, NONE of the fat the SupposiTories are promising to cut will come off the pork from HIS barrel. Nice to see they have their spending priorities in order, eh? PS: The euphemism of the week is “unorthodox funding arrangements”. Means CORRUPTION and TORY PORK. (You’re welcome!)

3. John Fucking Baird. A hundred years from now, our great-grandchildren will be shaking their heads at the idiocy of those who let these babbling, unCanadian barbarians into office. I’m doing it already, and I don’t even have any kids. STFU, Squealer!

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4. Anthony Fucking Bologna. When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail…and when all you have is a can of pepper spray, every innocent protester looks like a rioter. I know his nickname is probably Tony Baloney, but I have a better one. From now on, let’s call him Officer Mace-Face. He’s done it more than once this week, so the handle fits!

5. Tiffany Fucking Alston. Marriage equality for all? Fuck it. Let’s just embezzle money from the public purse to pay for our own tacky “dream wedding” instead, shall we?

6. Dakota Fucking Ary. And while we’re on the subject of gay-bashers, how about this one? Just 14, and already he has a track record for it! Yeah, that’ll win you brownie points from Jesus…a guy who hung out with twelve other men, at least one of whom got jealous whenever he kissed Mary Magdalene. So much so that the jealous one betrayed him for thirty silver shekels to the Roman authorities. Yes, there IS a moral in here. Can anyone tell me what it might be? Bueller?

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7. Dick Fucking Cheney. Yes, he was in my home and native land. And no, he wasn’t arrested for war crimes. But hey, at least he got the “welcome” he deserved. Bonus: The private club where he attended the swank reception has a reputation for harboring pedophiles!

8. Mark Fucking Zuckerberg. Sharing implies active participation, not passive submission, Fuckerberg. And in case you haven’t yet heard, your brand of it is called privacy invasion. And there are federal and provincial privacy commissioners up here who are none too happy with it, either.

9. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Yup, she’s back, with more toxic blatchings. This time, about the audacity of a woman whom the police left tied up naked (by Russell Williams, the now infamous pervert-burglar and murderer) for five hours while they went scrounging for their cameras. Apparently it’s “brave but wrong-headed” of Lori Massicotte to sue the OPP for being a bunch of bumbling dicks and contributing to her pain, humiliation and anguish at the hands of her tormentor. Only in Blatchville, where pigs wear lipstick and fly…

10. María Corina Fucking Machado. Why?

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That’s why. “Responsibility” is a noun, not a verb. But she still squandered 9 whole hours asking herself (and tweeting about) how Chavecito would conjugate it. And just think, SHE wants HIS job — and seriously thinks she stands a chance of getting it. Hey MariCori, conjugate this: ¡IDIOTA!

PS: No, this does not apply in her case. Her profile pic is unaltered; the hacked profiles all wore red berets and had an “N33” on them. Trust me, this is MariCori’s own dimwittedness shining through. I’ve seen unedited videos of her in action. She really IS that fucking stupid.

11. Jeffrey Fucking Servos. If you wonder why black kids are always yelling “Fuck da Police”, consider this: They bust black kids, and more than a few poor and unconnected white ones as well, for having just a crumb of marijuana in their pockets. And then some of them are busted themselves, for crack cocaine possession AND snorting ground-up OxyContin in their cruisers. AND when expelled from the force for being a menace to society, they have the nerve to go before the Human Rights Tribunal and demand their jobs and a hefty cash settlement back! What’s truly funny about all this, though, is that it’s being reported by the Toronto Sun, the most cop-hugging right-wing rag in the city. They hate the provincial Human Rights Tribunals with a passion, because the Human Rights Tribunals tend to tackle (among other things) matters of racism. And their “reporting” (note quotation marks) is centred around the one hand around glorifying cops and the other around denigrating civilian human rights authorities, and making small-time drug users out to be the worst people in the world. So this must have made the managing editor’s head damn near explode. Enjoy it, kiddies — it’s a cheaper laugh than pot.

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12. Sarah Fucking Palin. Hey everybodyyyyyyy, she’s NOT running for president, after all! Probably because she’d then be questioned seriously about her ethics (or lack thereof) at last, and led away in handcuffs. At least, that’s the subtext I’m getting. Can we finally put a fork in her and call her done?

13. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Jerry Falwell’s money-losing, unaccredited “university” is the “greatest in the history of the world”? I guess it would look that way if you’re one of the ones who couldn’t get into the accredited kind that requires, you know, a working set of brains.

14. Rose Marie Fucking Belforti. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If you have something religious against legal same-sex marriage (or birth control, or abortion, or spaying cats, or whatever), don’t work for the state. And don’t blame your own prejudices on God. Go find a job that doesn’t conflict with your fucked-up “values”, and leave the public sector jobs to those willing to actually DO them.

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15. James Fucking Cafferty. Speaking of fucked-up values, doesn’t the State Dept. vet its foreign service personnel better? Or is it up to the FBI to do that retroactively, with a secret honey-pot site for kiddie-porn seekers? This guy could have been molesting kids and uploading photos to sites like it in the meantime. And doing so overseas, where the risk of being caught is much less.

16. Tim Fucking Hudak. Well, you can’t say he’s not loyal. He stands by his skeevy Reform-a-Tory candidates even when their spouses are fucking thugs. Or is this another case of IOKIYAC?

17. Brad Fucking Trost. And speaking of skeevy Reform-a-Tories going rogue and embarrassing their party, how about this one? Not only does he look like Harpo and Harris’s little blond brother, he wants to have singlehanded control of every woman’s uterus on the planet. And he calls HIS position “moderate”! No, I’m not fucking kidding. Maybe it’s just as well that he’s a nobody from nowhere, and that Harpo is secretly scared of women. The abortion debate is closed, and with 8 out of 10 Canadians solidly pro-choice, it’s going to remain so. US-style anti-choice incrementalism isn’t gonna fly here, kiddies. (Except off the end of my pitchfork, by the seat of its pants, straight into a raging bonfire.)

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18. Mittens Fucking Romney. It must be nice to be so fucking rich that you can actually forget having gone to Harvard…TWICE.

19. and 20. Maurice Fucking Vellacott and Leon Fucking Benoit. Will someone please take these two anti-choice assholes, and #17, and fly them to Amsterdam, and just dump them all in the red-light district, already? Because it’s obvious that they all need to get laid in the worst way, and I don’t see any volunteers stepping up to the plate! Meanwhile, Planned Parenthood has some news that might just shock them about how Canada is REALLY helping to prevent abortion around the world. And it has nothing to do with religious bigotry, and EVERYTHING to do with dispensing reliable birth control, through the International Planned Parenthood Federation.

21. Jim Fucking Flaherty. No, you know what Ontario REALLY can’t afford? More fucking SupposiTories. This one, as an old Harrisite Parasite (along with Tim Fucking Hudak) broke our province so badly that Dalton McWimpy still hasn’t fixed it after two terms. We need a change, yes, but not a pendulum swing back to the Nasty ’90s. I remember the Harrisites the same way I remember grunge — and I do NOT mean that fondly.

22. Peter Fucking MacKay. How about repatriating all the taxpayer money you wasted on your jet-setting junkets, Petey? And how about not lying about it anymore, either? Too much Personal Responsibility™ for ya?

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23. Harris Fucking Himes. It’s awfully hard to argue that you’ve been set up by pro-choicers and LGBT activists when it was YOU doing all the scamming, eh? But hey, you can’t blame a bastard for trying. After all, PATHOLOGICAL LYING is a Conservative Family Value™!

24. James Fucking Forrester. See above, and add HA HA FUCKING HA!!! Sure must hurt to get pwned by Michelangelo Signorile, who might just be the best-informed gay man on the planet. I’m willing to bet he’s walking funny since he took THAT ass-kicking. And this one, too. And this one!

25. Charmaine Fucking Yoest. If you ever wondered where our right-wing idiots get their anti-choice, anti-birth-control talking points, it’s easy: From certain spinny neighbors to the south. Like this one, who insists that PPFA isn’t “transparent” enough, when in fact the organization may as well be made of plate glass. I suspect no amount of “accountability” (note quotes) will ever be enough for THOSE people.

26. James Fucking Moore. Funny how it’s fair in one court, foul in the other where the Canadian flag is concerned. When the Liberals decreed Flag Day, the Harper Government™’s now-minister of heritage (not Canadian heritage, Harper Government™ heritage) sneered. But now he’s trying to turn our flag laws as absurd and draconian as those in the States. Since when is it patriotic to copycat the Yanks? Oh, since the Government of Canada became the Harper Government™. Need you ask?

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And finally, to the fucking bastards who write those lousy, crappy Java scripts on Facebook. It’s not enough that they’re making billions by invading our privacy and selling our data to unscrupulous bastards. If I had a dollar for every time that shit caused my browser to hang, and me to lose a download, I’d be as wealthy as Fuckerberg. Anyone for a class-action lawsuit?

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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