Wankers of the Week: Happy Hell-o-ween!

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Crappy weekend, everyone! How are we enjoying this week from Hell? And Halloween is just around the corner, and with it, one may deduce, a zombie apocalypse. Between these people and the zombies, I know which ones I’d pick to hang out with…how ’bout you?

1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Well, that was nice of him, explaining what “bunga bunga” really means. Means dancing. Nekkid, horizontal hokey-pokey dancing. We all know how that one goes, so no need for him to demonstrate the steps. Although I’m sure the old slutbucket is dying to.

2. and 3. Pamela Fucking Geller and Robert Fucking Spencer, AGAIN. Rejected, AGAIN! Is this the beginning of a hopeful new pattern? Let us pray. And yeah, Pam, please do work yourself into a “sharia-compliant” hernia about it. Bust a fucking blood vessel, girl!

4. Rick Fucking Perry. It doesn’t matter if His Barackness released his long-form birth certificate MONTHS ago…Gubnor Goodhair is still a birther lunatic. Kind of hard to posit oneself as a leader when one is so far behind the times, no?

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5. and 6. Robert and Diane Fucking Maresca. No, you do NOT get to trademark “Occupy Wall St.” and make money from it. Especially if you’re not actually participating in a demo, and clearly not opposed to the very problem you’re trying to make hay from. Plus, the name is already public domain, so no, you don’t get to privatize it. Does the irony of your bullshit completely elude you two fucking spongers?

7. Michael Fucking Lohan. Speaking of fucking spongers, how about this one? He’s famous for being the father of a young woman who, by now, is largely famous for nothing. Which makes him famous for nothing, too. And once more, his name is in the news, and you can bet your worn-out bottom dollar that he will try to capitalize richly, yet again, on all that fucking famous-for-nothing-ness. And in consequence, he thinks he’s entitled to BJs just any old fucking time, too. Because he’s Michael Fucking Lohan, bitches, and he’s famous for NOTHING! PS: Dr. Drew, FUCK YOU. Victim-blaming is unprofessional, to say the least.

8. Mark Fucking Block. Is it just me, or does he remind you of Cancer Man, too? Either way, what a shock — he IS a cancer. Of the body politic. Just like his employer, Herman Fucking “Wash Away the Gay” Cain.

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9. Rob Fucking Ford. Finally, it can be revealed: The boorish, loudmouthed redneck who by some malign fluke landed in the mayoralty of Toronto…is a big fat fucking wuss. And he doesn’t even know Marg Delahunty when he sees her…in clear daylight, for that matter. How fucking pathetic is that? PS: It gets wankier. Look, Robbo — no one cares if you’re the Fucking Mayor of Toronto or the Lord Mayor of London. YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO SPECIAL TREATMENT. Especially not for a nuisance call to 9-1-1, which I hope they charge you for. If you’ve really had death threats, why don’t you fucking hire bodyguards? It’s not as if you couldn’t afford to, you fucking cheapskate.

10. Linda Fucking Harvey. No, Teh Ghey isn’t contagious. But Teh Stoopid IS. Parents, turn off your radio if she comes on. Otherwise, you and your kids both will find your IQs slowly leaking out your anuses.

11. Ron Fucking Paul. Gee, Ron, for a so-called libertarian, you sure have strange notions of liberty. How is restricting women’s choices a “liberty”, again? And are you really prepared to see entire maternity wards clogged, not with new mothers, but with women dying of back-alley abortions gone wrong, as it was before Roe v. Wade? What kind of doctor does that make you, and how fucking “pro-life” is THAT?

12. Evan Coyne Fucking Maloney. Right-wing blogtard tried to frame Zuccotti Park protesters as a bunch of potheads. Joke’s on HIM, though…HE’s the one who bought the drug paraphernalia, for which he got no takers. Ha, ha, fucking HA.

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13. Samm Fucking Tittle. What is it with all these racist fucking white Repugs who just can’t bring themselves to say BLACK? Herman Cain is not a white man with a “nice tan”, he’s BLACK. And maybe, just maybe, the fact that this obscure candidate for the Repug leadership is kicking off her campaign in the most racist state of all — Mississippi — might have something to do with that bizarre bit of euphemism. And no, being Hispanic (or claiming to be) doesn’t actually make you non-white. Especially if you don’t LOOK non-white.

14. Bryan Fucking Fischer. Talk about why LGBT History Month exists in the first place — it’s to educate ignorant redneck slobs of the Religious Reich like this one, who is so fucking stupid that he seriously believes Adolf Hitler was a gay prostitute (he wasn’t), that John Wayne Gacy was a pedophile (he wasn’t; none of his victims were prepubescent), and that both are shining examples of what the gay does to people (they’re not, because it doesn’t.) Hitler exterminated gays because he considered them to be degenerates and defectives, and he feared Ernst Röhm, the gay leader of the SA, as a potential rival. As for John Gacy, he was trying to kill the gay side of himself every time he lured a young man (who in all likelihood wasn’t gay) to his home and strangled him to death with his “rope trick”. In actual fact, Gacy had internalized the homophobia that religion tends to breed. Which is actually bad news for the Religious Reich, as it is implicated in many serial murders by virtue of the irrational hatreds it creates.

15. Maxime Fucking Bernier. How is it possible to consult a gun registry that has been destroyed by a band of weaselly ideological imbeciles? And if you’re really going to paint yourselves as tough on crime, shouldn’t you leave a crime-fighting tool around for the police to use, especially if it’s one they consult over a thousand times daily? How can you be tough on crime, in other words, and yet hobble the police? I don’t know, but maybe Harpo’s stupidest henchman does. I would suggest that you ask him, but he has a nasty habit of fucking off when asked such tough questions.

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16. Barclays Fucking Capital. Yes, an entire fucking firm. I hope you dumb bastards are prepared to lose a mint on your disgraceful bet against Chavecito’s life. Call yourselves respectable? Hell, I’ve seen backstreet bookies with more integrity than you fucking ghouls. FYI: Hugo Chávez is now cancer-free, and the quack who claimed he’s got two years to live has fled Venezuela in disgrace (NOT fear for his life). Moreover, a panel of doctors from the same hospital where he used to work went public to denounce him. Meanwhile, the “credible opposition” you tout are anything but, and Venezuelans know it. Are you people even embarrassed at your own gullibility? Or do you just figure all the money you take from other suckers should be more than enough to cover that?

17. Jean Fucking Quan. The fucking mayor of Oakland, California, calls the near-fatal shooting of a US Marine (and the subsequent flash-grenading of those trying to help him) a “peaceful resolution”? I call it an obscene fuckery, and I call her a delinquent piece of shit who should be run out of office for ordering it. Christ on a cracker. What the hell is it with fucked-up bully mayors this week? Between her and Rob Fucking Ford, there’s enough gratuitous brutality and buffoonery at City Hall for a fucking gore-porn movie. And Scott Olsen, who narrowly escaped death, is everybody’s brother now, thanks to a rubber bullet fired at his head by one of Quan’s goons. Way to fucking go, you corporatist sleaze queen.

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This is why the people are protesting, in case anyone needs a graphic reminder. The man holding the sign and photo is Jay C. Gentile, USMC. Now fighting real, live terrorists on the home front. Semper fidelis.

PS: No, we don’t fucking believe you. Actions speak louder, lady.

18. Linda Fucking Wall. Let’s get a few things straight here: An extended period of sexual molestation of a minor by an adult is NOT a “youthful mistake”. You are old enough to know what you’re doing, even if the victim isn’t. And if that minor happens to be of the same sex as yourself, that means you have no moral right whatsoever to preach against the evils of “being in homosexuality”, whatever the hell THAT is supposed to mean. Unless, of course, you happen to make your unreformed hypocritical self the topic of the sermon. I’m not exactly holding my breath for it.

19. Vic Fucking Toews. Three measly days is NOT fucking “generous”, you adulterous lying swinebag. We are talking here about a registry that fights crime and saves lives, and you want to shut down all public consultation in three days, and fast-track a shutdown that will, itself, be a MASSIVE waste of our tax dollars? Why so fucking draconian? Oh yeah, I know: YOU ARE NOT, IN FACT, POPULAR. That’s why you have to rush through everything that the public voted AGAINST you for. You and your boss and all of his henchmen are about to learn the hard way what a majority government isn’t and does NOT entitle you to do. Just ask Brian Mulroney how he squandered his, because you’re all going down the same road. At this rate, your fucking party doesn’t deserve to become even a rump of its former self, like it was in the early 1990s. How soon you forget, eh?

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20. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Lying fucking bitch is fucking lying about her fucking ties (which are fucking EXTENSIVE) to the Fucking NRA. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. After all, SupposiTories lie as easily as they draw breath.

21. Darren Fucking Huff. I shudder to think what a “Tranny Hunter” does with a gun and ammo, and a remote-controlled dildo. (I’m getting a really awful mental picture of Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd, the uncensored version, here. Mind bleach STAT!)

22. The Fucking Washington Post. Protesters are not only NOT “wearing out their welcome nationwide” (their numbers are, in fact, growing as I write), they are getting shot half dead, gassed, flash-grenaded, and pepper-sprayed on a daily basis. Yet how does the WaHoPo decide to illustrate this? With a cute widdle shot of a cop petting a smurgly-wurgly tabby kitty. Most adorable media fail EVER.

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23. Rick Fucking Santorum. Uh oh — Icky Ricky’s fetus fetish is acting up again. And this time it’s talking to him. Medic!

24. Justin Fucking Bieber. Kid, call off your attack poodles. The website you’re trying to shut down is actually on your side, even if you don’t seem to realize it.

25. Pat Fucking Robertson. Patwa, by now, has officially ceased to be an arbiter of anything even remotely Christian. He is a servant of Mammon, pure and simple. And his welcome on this Earth is long, LONG worn out.

26. Courtney Fucking Stodden. It’s getting harder and harder not to see her as a future porn star, isn’t it? And harder still not to see her entering rehab in a straitjacket shortly thereafter. The only thing that’s creepier than her so-called marriage is the fact that she’s actively catering to all the old pederasts out there with one yucky, phony shenanigan after another. And that she’s too out of it to realize what’s wrong with all that. Here’s a broad hint for ya, girl:

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Poor Courtney. So much for your delusion that it’s only jealous wives who want you to fuck the hell off.

PS: Yes, I’m aware that this is actually directed at Phoebe Fucking Price, who staged a pumpkin-patch atrocity of her own. But you must admit it applies equally well to You Know Who.

27. Terry Fucking Jones. Yay, another joke candidate for the Religious Reich! This makes how many? Anyone keeping track?

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28. and 29. Lou Fucking Engle and Rick Fucking Joyner. I pray for Jesus to invade THEIR dreams…and tell them to stop fucking using him as a weapon of religious persecution.

30. Crockett Fucking Keller. Hey, if you don’t WANT people taking your crappy handgun training course because you’re a bigoted fucking right-wing asshole, that’s fine. They’ll take their money and their feet to a more responsible and unprejudiced trainer, and you’ll be shit out of luck. That’s all!

31. Paul Fucking Wolfowitz. He’s WHAT? Still in existence? Still not in prison? And still being consulted by talking heads on TV? No. No. NO!!! Gettimthefuckouttahere!!!

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No caption required…

32. Christian Fucking Paradis. Yeah, keep reminding les Québécois why they didn’t vote for your party, you fucking schmuck. And keep reminding them of the Montréal Massacre, too, and why you Tories are fucking useless on crime (remember, it happened on Lyin’ Brian Mulroney’s watch). I hope they take the gun-registry data without your permission and RUN with it.

33. Leon Fucking Panetta, again. Who the fuck spends $10,000 on one measly bottle of wine? And, more to the point: WHO THE FUCKING HELL DRINKS $10,000 WINE TO CELEBRATE A DEATH, FERGAWDSAKES? PS: I hope you get vinegar. With a “huge nose of freshly sliced celery, mint, cedar, and cassis”, no less.

34. Salvador Fucking Navarrete. Having a president you never treated call you a liar sure must sting, eh? And when your former colleagues have to give a press conference denouncing you, ditto. No wonder you fucked off out of Venezuela. That shit should cost you your licence, and if you’d stuck around long enough to see the outcome, it would have.

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And finally, to the fucking law firm of Steven J. Fucking Baum. The New York Times calls them a “foreclosure mill”, which, coming from a corporate mouthpiece par excellence, should tell you all you need to know about these vile vultures. They apparently think it’s funny to make crude jokes at the expense of those they have thrown out of their homes. And at their corporate Halloween party, they really went all out to do just that.

So, in their “honor”, I’d like to share with you a little joke I heard years ago. I modified it slightly with the addition of a qualifier, so as not to offend the DECENT lawyers and law students among my friends:

Q. Why won’t sharks eat corporate lawyers?

A. Professional courtesy!

I hope to all the Gods that this bunch gets thrown to something rather worse than sharks, now that their little Halloween party fun has made the global headlines. I think you’ll agree that it would be nothing less than they deserve.

Goodnight, and get fucked!

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