Wankers of the Week: The Irony and the Ugh-stasy

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Crappy weekend, everyone! I suppose you wonder what His Barackness is snickering about up there. Trust me, he’s got plenty to laugh at, and most of it is listed here. So let’s get to it with no further ado, shall we?

1. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Yes, he’s the man of the week, no doubt about it. Or should we say, the overgrown adolescent king of the fucking shit hill that is the Repugnican Party? When you have the flaming homophobes of NOM hailing you as The Man Who Will Save Marriage, even though you’ve failed at it twice and could still get third-time unlucky at any moment, where is there to go for you but down? And he will, kiddies, he will…bank on it. That shark has been jumped, and he cannot un-jump it. PS: Here’s one of the many things that will bring him down. PPS: And here’s another. PPPS: This ain’t helping either. PPPPS: And if you need proof that he’s not to be trusted with the top office in the nation, here you go. Oh here, have seconds.

2. Pamela Fucking Geller. Surely it has escaped no one’s notice that fascist islamophobia’s noisiest guano-bird has titled her latest pet project Stop the Islamization of Nations, whose initials spell out SION — which happens to be French for ZION? No word on her motives for joining the cheese-eating surrender monkeys there, but I’m guessing that Harpy McCrazybitch hasn’t thought this one all the way through. (I mean, not like she ever does.)

3. J.T. Fucking Ready. Ironies abound in this one, too. Starting with his praise of Adolf Fucking Hitler as “great white civil rights leader”, and extending all the way to his running for sheriff as a Democrat. The only thing that could be more ironic is if he actually WON.

4. Chuck Fucking Norris. As I was saying for #1: Shark, jumped. Cannot be un-jumped. Especially not with an endorsement like THIS one.

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5. Jim Bob Fucking Duggar. Michelle must have said no to his latest attempt to fill her quiver. Why else jump all over a trans-girl scout who only wants to sell cookies, earn merit badges and do good deeds?

6. Michael Fucking Malihi. Even this long after the release of a certain long-form Hawaiian birth certificate, the frivolous Birther lawsuits just keep on comin’. And worse, they don’t always get laughed out of court. How does someone with such piss-poor judgment make it to the judiciary? I don’t know, but I suspect His Barackness won’t be appearing before this fool’s bench.

7. Rick Fucking Santorum. Let us count the ways he’s wanked this week: With a suggestively-named moneybomb that makes his Google-bomb objections look like downright silly posturing! With rampant islamophobia! With oh-bitch-please homophobia and God-playing! With pro-rape condescension! With bizarre theories about sexual abstinence and poverty! PS: Ha, ha. PPS: Ha, ha, ha.

8. Rand Fucking Paul. What do you bet that (a) he secretly gives thanks that there is a Big Government for him to wank on about, and (b) he would not object even a little bit if the TSA had detained a perfectly innocent Arab in a kaffiyeh? BTW, don’t feel sorry for him. He got pulled aside on his way to an anti-choice rally. How libertarian of him to go!

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PS: Special dishonorable mention to Rand’s old man, Ron Fucking Paul, for tweeting the original bullshit story. And for lying about his racist newsletters.

PPS: Ha, ha.

9. Tony Fucking Clement. That slimy little shit-eating smirk just keeps getting tighter around the lips all the time. One of these days it’s going to crack and fall off altogether. And oh, how I will laugh when it does.

10. Charles Fucking Murray. Blame feminists, liberals and the poor, not rich white man’s greed, for social inequality. Where have we heard all this fucking bitchery before? Oh yeah, now I remember.

11. Tim Fucking Teabag, er, THOMAS. Y’know, I disagree with His Barackness a lot myself, albeit from the other side of the political spectrum. However, if invited to the White House to receive an honor in a nonpolitical context, I would still go. But then again, I haven’t forgotten my manners. Maybe getting paid unconscionable millions just to stick-handle a puck around the ice causes certain guys (who were never too bright to begin with, or they wouldn’t be teabags) to forget theirs.

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12. Rob Fucking Ford. Oh look, Robbo’s diet has already eaten his brain before it even made a dent in his waistline. Why else call those DEMOCRATICALLY ELECTED city council members who voted DEMOCRATICALLY against his AUTOCRATIC budget cuts “two steps left of Joe Stalin”? (Stalin being, of course, Robbo himself. The man has an unwitting flair for the metaphors sometimes.) Maybe he needs to go to anger management classes as well as Weight Watchers. In any case, “Ford Nation” was never a nation. It was only a suburb, and now it’s deader than the old Soviet Union. So suck it up, Robbo…and eat your rice cakes, they’re good for you.

13. Leopoldo Fucking López. Pretty Boy is out of the Venezuelan presidential race! Too bad, so sad. Maybe his low poll numbers had something to do with it? Or maybe it’s just his nasty past come back to haunt him. Not that it particularly matters who the “unity candidate” of the right will be…whoever it is will lose, and lose badly. Maybe Leo was actually smart to bow out when he did.

14. Tom Fucking Flanagan. Hey First Nations people, did you know you’re a threat to Big Oil? It’s true, and it comes from no less a racist than Harpo’s own erstwhile political advisor-slash-campaign manager, who now works for a Big Oil stink tank. He thinks you are global terrorists for wanting to preserve the health and integrity of the land! You may wish to band together, and soon. I’ll happily join you, and so will lots of other white folks. After all, how fast can a bunch of old fat cats run?

15. Nancy Fucking Pelosi. If you got something on Newt, lady, then spill it. Playing coy is not the way to go. Besides, we all want to see him crash and burn, this time for GOOD.

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16. Joseph Fucking Maturo. Next time you want to help Latinos, spring for some fajitas. Or better still, just don’t be such a flippant fucking asshole. And hire some cops who aren’t racist, already.

17. Fred Fucking Phelps. Yes, JoePa WAS to some extent complicit in allowing Jerry Fucking Sandusky to go on molesting boys for as long as he did. And he definitely wasn’t smart to cover the matter up instead of calling the cops. But hauling out the Westboro Fucking Baptist Church to protest at his funeral is still a really fucking disgusting wank. And it has nothing to do with “fags”, either. A pedophile is a different species of bird altogether. As are those who cover his ass.

18. Ralph Fucking Shortey. Don’t you dare laugh at his name, no matter how much you suspect it may inadvertently reveal about his motives for being the (anti-choice and batshit) way he is. Laugh, instead, at his ludicrous notion that human fetal remains could ever find their way into our food supply, particularly by way of sodapop. And then, laugh again at his ludicrous notion that there needs to be a law against that.

19. Eric Fucking Wilson. A timely reminder of the importance of consent…not only for all sexual acts engaged in, but the recording and Internet broadcasting thereof. Guys, unless you get a Yes to all of the above, assume the answer is really NO. And don’t just do it anyway, ‘kay?

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20. Marc Fucking Cenedella. He wants steak, BJs and a senate seat. And by the looks of things (his own face among them), he’s gonna have to pay for all three. BTW, there is NO WAY any self-respecting woman is going to give up Pi Day (and its attendant PIE!) just so some dude can get what he already got the month before, not to mention on his birthday, their anniversary, and any old other time he wants it. PS: If you’re gonna take “full responsibility” for what’s posted on your personal blog, shouldn’t that mean NOT claiming someone else wrote it for you? Don’t tell me you paid for THAT too, ya fuckin’ hoser.

21. Barry Fucking Smitherman. He gets everything about the Keystone XL pipeline (wisely nixed by His Barackness) utterly wrong. Along with Venezuela (a democracy), Hugo Chávez (elected and popular), China (not communist anymore), His Barackness (unlikely to be mistaken for Kim Jong Il, or even Kim Jong Un), jobs (not that many to be had from one measly pipeline, and most of them very temporary), and oh yeah, last but not least: the Canadian environment, which is already suffering from tar-sands development and is not likely to be improved by more of the same. Can we just come right out and call him a big-ass bullshitter, already?

22. Sheldon Fucking Adelson. If you’re wondering who’s pumping big bucks into Newty’s doomed presidential drive, look no further. This notorious casino owner, who is currently under federal investigation, is your man. And when you hear Newty rolling out his platform, you will also know who bought him and ordered it. After all, someone’s got a big bill at Tiffany’s that isn’t gonna pay itself.

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23. Susanna Fucking Barrett. Don’t blame the media or the blogs for “sexualizing” your daughter. They’re not the ones who signed her up for a kiddie pageant, plunked her into a suggestive costume, and made her dance to “I’m Sexy and I Know It”. Or got her to make kissy-faces at the cameras reporting it.

24. James O’Fucking Keefe. Say, doesn’t this little fucker have house arrest or probation or something, still? Because it seems to me he insists on violating it in a major way. (But even if that’s not the case, this suing the Liberal Media is just fucking pathetic. Srsly.)

25. Stacey Fucking Campfield. With a name like that, jokes and innuendoes are almost inevitable, no? And so it quite stands to reason that he’d be the author of something as abominable as Tennessee’s pro-bullying “Don’t Say Gay” law. As well as a subscriber to all sorts of ridiculous notions around AIDS. Someone please inform him that HIV was first transmitted via a monkey bite, not gay-butt-sex-with-a-monkey. In fact, it’s a product of the appalling bushmeat trade, not the gay underworld. And the idea that it’s only a gay disease was out of date in the mid-1980s already. Just ask Ali Gertz. Oh wait, you can’t…she died of it, as did the man who gave it to her. Bummer. Maybe Ryan White, who caught it through a blood transfusion? Sorry, he’s dead too. And neither of them was ever the least bit gay. How ’bout that?

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26. Larry Fucking Pittman. Sez he wants to bring back public hangings in North Fucking Carolina, and put abortion doctors at the head of the queue as a “deterrent”? Fuck no, Larry. Anyone who proposes a moronic (and murderous) legal remedy like that should man the fuck up and go first.

27. Frank Fucking Gaffney. His preferred way of achieving US hegemony worldwide is through violence. But he prefers to project that onto Muslims and Sharia, to make himself sound reasonable.

28. Mitt Fucking Romney. Mormonizing your late atheist father-in-law, no matter what your reasons, is a damn disrespectful wank in the face of a corpse. Whatever happened to respecting the wishes of the dearly departed?

29. Mark Fucking Oxner. Alan Grayson (my hero!) is gonna whup his ass. That is all.

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And finally, to all you morons out there (and it is scientifically confirmed now that conservatives are not the sharpest knives in the ol’ drawer) who voted for Stephen Fucking Harper. All bullies are cowards; we all knew that. Which is why this cowardly bully waited till he was in Davos to announce that he was raiding the Canada Pension Plan to pay for all those warplanes we don’t fucking need. And please note that this is the same Harper Government™ that got its sorry collective ass into office by pandering to all you dumb fucking rednecks who didn’t want a gun registry because it made you feel like criminals to see your guns treated the same way as your cars, your marriages and your dogs. Well, boo fucking hoo, you old farts. It looks good on you now that you’re getting what you voted for: a big, fat bait-and-switcheroo. And it’s coming out of your retirement fund, too. You’re now gonna have to work till you drop in this country. And drop you will, since you’re all so busy stuffing your faces with Timbits and putting a nice down payment on a coronary in the process. I would laugh if I weren’t in the same fucking boat as all of you, but at least I can console myself that I didn’t vote for the motherfucker. (Which reminds me, I need an apology shirt for when I finally get the hell out of this country and move to Latin America. I need one that says “prime minister” instead of “president”.) You did vote for him, and now you’re about to pay for what you got. Through the nose.

Good night, and (ha, ha) get fucked!

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2 Responses to Wankers of the Week: The Irony and the Ugh-stasy

  1. Jymn says:

    I see Wente’s the latest Charles Murray fan.

    I didn’t know about Geller’s SION org. Sheesh.

    And James O’Keefe. That’s one sick fucker.

  2. thwap says:

    That Oxner guy has great hair!

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