Wankers of the Week: What’s the matter with North Carolina?

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Crappy Mother’s Day weekend, everyone! Ever have one of those weeks where you devoutly wish you’d never been born, but it’s too late to crawl back into the mommy-cave? Yeah, it’s been one of those weeks for me, too. And here’s who made it so, in no particular order:

1. Rob Fucking Ford. He’s not just Toronto’s embarrassment anymore, he’s a national disgrace. And if he’s really so concerned about his family’s safety, he should stop being so fucking chintzy and just hire a security detail already. Actually, though, safety is really the least of his concerns; it’s his overfed ego, not the nosiness of “effeminate” Toronto Star reporters, that’s got his Y-fronts all in a bunch.

2. John Fucking Swinimer. Since when does one fucking religious nut get to determine an entire school curriculum? Since NEVER. And, FYI, schools DO teach “the basics”. And if your religion isn’t one of them, too fucking bad! Intolerant and religiously bigoted is no way to go through life, daddy-o. Now stop sending your son to school to preach in dumb crapaganda shirts and just let the kid LEARN, already.

3. Mitt Fucking Romney. Last week Mittens was a wanker for firing an openly gay staffer; this week he is one for sending a flack to try and spin that as proof of his championing tolerance. He has a lot of chutzpah, and absolutely no fucking guts whatsoever. PS: And speaking of gutless, how about this? Or this? Or, Bog help us all, THIS?

4. Andrew Fucking Scheer. If Parliament was not misled on the F-35, then they were all party to a lie. Isn’t that right, Mr. Speaker? Well, isn’t it???

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5. Catherine Fucking Scalia. Need some mustard on your hotdog, mister? She’ll give you a hand with that. Literally. PS: Kudos to the NY Post for assigning so much importance to this literal wanker that they had not one, not two, but three reporters on the story. PPS: This woman is delusional. Psychiatric evaluation? Yeah, it would be a good idea. I’ve never seen reverse body-dysmorphic disorder so crazy.

6. Jan Fucking Brewer. Why am I not a bit surprised that the most misogynous female governor in the United States has a son who was charged with sexual assault?

7. Joe Fucking Bovino. If you need an unfunny sexist, racist “field guide” to women, ur doin it rong. And if you’re toting it around as a PUA-style conversation starter, you definitely fit one very broad category of males that can be seen the world over: Les Douchebags.

8. Jesse Lee Fucking Peterson. He laments the “mistake” of letting women vote, and thinks blacks should go back to slavery to “learn the work ethic”? I lament the mistake of letting teabaggers exist.

9. Andrew Fucking MacDougall. Why?

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That’s why. BTW, we pay taxes, and our taxes pay your salary. That means you and Harpo (the asshole in question) both work for us. And you’re doing a piss-poor job of it, too. Guess that makes you our second-biggest asshole, at least this week.

10. Michele Fucking Bachmann. Watch out, Switzerland, you’re about to get two more cuckoos in your clock. Marcus Bachmann’s parents were born there, and it looks as though sonny-boy has finally taken advantage of that fact to claim Swiss citizenship. His beard — er, WIFE — also automatically qualifies. On the plus side, this dual citizenship means she is probably no longer eligible ever again to run for president of the United States. (Her eternally delusional mental state ought to be a definite disqualifier.) PS: Aw, shit. Well, that was quick.

11. Jonah Fucking Goldberg. Somebody please give this irrelevant nonentity a Bullshitzer prize, it’s the only award he’s truly entitled to.

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12. Pat Fucking Robertson. I have a copy of the King James bible with the words of Jesus printed in red. And as much as I’ve scoured through it, I’ve never found one word even HINTING that LGBT people “displease” him. I suspect the displeased one here is therefore Patwa, because un-self-hating queerfolk are notoriously hard to brainwash into handing over large wads of cash in exchange for de-gayifying “prayers”.

13. And in other pissing-Jesus-off news, how about our own lesser northern Patwa, Charles Fucking McVety? Everybody knows he’s just kissing Israel’s ass because he seriously believes that once the Apocalypse comes, Israel will be handed over to his corpulent ass, while the Chosen People get thrown under a metaphorical bus.

14. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Why?

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That’s why. The Pigman lives in a glass sty. And yet he still insists on throwing rocks. Funny dat! PS: There are still women who listen to him? That’s fucking pathetic. Don’t they know he hates the entire sex?

15. Tim Fucking Huelskamp. Figures this professional homophobe of a House Repug is from Kansas. And yeah, I bet he’s rubbing his hands over having done his teensy widdle bit to foil any progress His Barackness might ever actually make. But how homophobia is supposed to “defend” marriage (and from what?) is a question none of these idiots will ever be able to satisfactorily answer. And it’s only a matter of time before DOMA bites the dust. So yeah, go wave yer widdle willy, Timmy. It’s the last accomplishment you’ll ever have, so savor it for the short time it lasts.

16. George W. Fucking Bush. Yep, Dubya’s still alive, and this week he made the wankapedia. For livin’ high on the hawg at taxpayers’ expense, in direct contradiction to all that fiscal conservatism shee-yit. Don’t look to the fucking “Taxed Enough Already” teabaggers to say boo about this, though. He’s still their golden boy, and they’ll cheerfully fork over whatever he wants. Ain’t that right, assholes?

17. Vic Fucking Toews. Someone give this out-of-touch adulterous walrus a lesson in economics. Better still, basic math. Even better: Throw him in prison and force him to live the way he wants prisoners to. That oughta straighten his mathematical problems right out. PS: Ha, ha. And nyah, nyah.

18. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Meanwhile, the World’s Worst Sheriff is getting sued. And about time, too!

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19. Bill Fucking Donohue. For a rabid Catholic cultist who hates sex so much, he sure is fond of using it to sell his shady anti-sex agenda. Hey Bill, keep yer rosaries off our ovaries — and yer crucifixes off our clitorises!

20. Bristol Fucking Palin. She’s a fine one to be talking about “thousands of years of thinking on marriage”, seeing as she never quite made it to the altar herself. “Thinking”, in any case, seems to come with great difficulty for her. Mostly due to massive cognitive dissonance, which is sadly common in almost-adult children of fundamentalists. (Also, Levi Fucking Johnston.) And when it comes to “leadership”, I don’t see her drawing any solid examples from her mother the Quitbull, either.

21. Chet Fucking Haze. Who? Oh, just some no-account dude who thinks he’s being “real” and “badass” by calling bullying victims who commit suicide “weak” and “pussyass”. Yeah, that’s right, he’s a nobody who bullies the easiest victims ever — the dead. Well, I hope he appreciates this former bullied kid’s blunt sincerity when I call him a total fucking douchenozzle who needs to get a life in the worst fucking way.

22. Jerad Fucking Wheeler. I find it hard to believe you couldn’t tell that the woman you kicked in the belly was nine months pregnant. With eyesight that poor, you shouldn’t be a fucking cop. PS: Oh, what am I saying? She’s black. And you’re white. And it’s Georgia. My mistake!

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23. Peter Fucking MacKay. Another day, another dollar, another DND lie. But when your Libya wank costs taxpayers seven times more than the already exorbitant sum you originally gave, and even the brass isn’t backing you up anymore, shouldn’t that be yet another reason to get out of Dodge?

24. John Fucking Baird. Oh look, Squealer’s sucking up to Israel again. Yawn. Someone please tell him that the overwhelming majority of Canadian Jews are not conservative (big C or small), and therefore don’t think highly of the Chabad Lubavitchers, any more than they do of Israeli Likudniks. And they think even less highly of Tory cronyism and blatant pandering.

25. Scott Fucking Walker. Shark: Jumped. When even Forbes, the plutocrat magazine par excellence, turns against you, it’s time to pack it in and go home.

26. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Don’t wear a hoodie to the airport, or the TSA agent will be honor-bound to manhandle your, uh, man handle.

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27. Jane Fucking Skrovota. Please, don’t anyone tell her that a straight man’s P-E-N-I-S can just as easily penetrate a straight woman’s anus. She might just beshit herself harder than she already has. PS: That guy right behind her in the video is a fucking KING. PPS: She has a Facebook page and blogspot devoted to her insane ramblings. Popcorn, anyone? Tumblr?

28. Patricia Fucking Weaver. Oh look, the teabagger brownshirts are projecting again. I wish these idiots would make up their minds whether they really think His Barackness is a commie or a Nazi, because it’s so tiresome to watch them seesawing back and forth like this.

29. Allen Fucking West. See above, and add extra WTF for not being able to recognize a capitalist puppet when he sees one in Hamid Karzai. And he can’t seem to remember that it was his boy Dubya that installed said puppet, either.

30. Dennis Fucking Prager. Same-sex marriage is a “radical social experiment”? Um, no. It’s simply a small step to equality in a world where many other social experiments much more radical have gone unremarked by rightard idiots who just haven’t the ‘nads to admit that they just really fucking hate the queers for no good reason at all.

And finally, to the fucking homophobes of North Fucking Carolina. You people are a national embarrassment and disgrace. And Gene Wilder has just the words for YOU:

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Good night, and get fucked!

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